Feeling Guilt - Mom Alone After My Dad Passed Away Last Year

[Dmichael]

Hello,

 

Last year my Dad died suddenly. My parents were about to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary 5 days after his death. My mom has always been a very independent woman. She took care of everything else so my Dad could work his way up to a very successful career. She's also a successful business owner herself. She also has a lot of friends but her and my Dad were very much in love and spent a lot of alone time together. I'm the only of her children that live close enough to visit on a regular basis. Once a week usually. Even with those visits I feel an immense guilt and sadness when I leave her alone in a big house. She says she's ok but thats how she is but we are so connected that I know she's not.

 

She's in her late 60's and still vibrant with so much ahead of her.

 

How can I move forward with my own life when I am constantly worried about her? I feel a lot of responsibility and I'd take it and more but I guess I need some coping mechanisms or some insight from anyone else's stories with widowed mothers.

 

Thank you

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You are doing the right thing checking in on her but giving her space. She will process and heal in her own time. A child is not like a spouse. She will eventually want more contact with people her age group. Process the loss of your dad. She will be ok.

Last year my Dad died suddenly.My mom has always been a very independent woman. I'm the only of her children that live close enough to visit on a regular basis. Once a week usually.

[LaHermes]

Very sorry to hear this, Michael. So very hard on the bereaved spouse, in particular such a loving couple, when one dies. They spent a lot of alone time together. She is not going to find this easy; he was her life partner.

 

And she sounds like a great person, well-adjusted. Of course she doesn't want to burden you. I do so hope she has very supportive friends and that she looks after herself.

[melancholy123]

Does she seem to be struggling and unhappy? Does she sit home alone and seem depressed? Does she go out with friends? Does she have hobbies/interests/other family around? Has she seen her doctor recently if you are concerned about her health?

[reinventmyself]

Sorry for the loss of your father.

I went through something similar when my dad died.

I spent so much time with my mother, moved her closer to me and worried about her all the time.

I moved her into a senior community with a lot of activities, support and people she could make friends with.

 

I realized that the more time I spent with her the more dependant she was on me and less likely to reach out and make friends.

 

It was hard but I slowly and subtlety started spending less time with her.

 

Grieving is a difficult and painful process. We can make it better by being there and being supportive. But as much as we may want to we can't make it go away.

[Giblesp]

When my father passed away, all of a sudden I'm looking after my mums affairs as well as my own. To start off with you'll worry alot as you are also sore and dealing with one of life's biggest challenges. You'll find the groove though. Remember also, your mum was walking this planet long before you were even born and was doing just fine. Late 60's isn't that old nowadays.

 

One thing that will help is to start taking extra good care of yourself.