Boughtandpaidfor Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Hi all, So here's the scenario: I was in a group of people. And these people started talking *about* me, rather than talking *to* me. EXAMPLE: I tell someone I'm upset about something. (I don't open up to them anymore, but I tried to make friends in the beginning). A few days later, other people allude to what I said, but in a demeaning/sideways/teasing way that I can't directly respond to. They all know each other better than me. But I got annoyed about it and complained about their gossiping. Their response was to increase the gossiping. At first they would say things like "Why do you care what anyone thinks about you?" Then it became "People talk about you rather than to you because you're too sensitive". Now it has become such a big thing that they make a point of talking about me because I get upset by it and I "need to get over that". Sometimes it feels like a campaign of abuse. Other days I feel like I'm totally overreacting. I've given up mentioning it because that seems to make it worse. But I really hate it. Ten years ago I was working in a place, and one guy was so annoying. And we would all complain about him behind his back, and never to his face. I guess we were all frustrated and took it out him. Maybe I've become that guy because I don't quite fit in? Or am I just surrounded by idiots? Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 How do you know they're talking about you? Are they doing this to your face? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boughtandpaidfor Posted May 5, 2017 Author Share Posted May 5, 2017 How do you know they're talking about you? Are they doing this to your face? Sideways references about things I've said to other people. Referring to things that I haven't said directly to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Can you avoid that group of people? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 They sound like buttholes. Rude to bullying, hard to say but not too bright or polished, no? It seems they run in packs?Sideways references about things I've said to other people. Referring to things that I haven't said directly to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Sideways references about things I've said to other people. Referring to things that I haven't said directly to them. Sorry, just re-read your opener and realize you already mentioned that. They say you are too sensitive? Do you believe that to be true? In any event, its no reason for them to be rude or actually being insensitive to you. Can you distance yourself from all of them. No one needs people like that in their lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavrik Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Happytown I'm sorry to hear what your going through Sadly I was bullied at school, at home by family and relatives and in the workplace, so sadly I know EXACTLY how it feels. You don't have to distance yourself from anyone at all as you've done nothing wrong, It's all about 'intent v's impact'. Wether they say it wasn't our intention to upset him, the issue is the impact If has on YOU, if you feel bullied then its bullying. From what you tell us I have to say it is definitely bullying, and all employers have a duty of care to their staff and wether they like it or not, or wether they want to or not, they need to deal with it. If they don't then they are answerable to a tribunal. I would keep a log of the incidents, dates, times, names and what was said. And I would also email your bosses to tell them what's going on, you need a paper trail to show you've told them, as if there's no paper trail then they can say you never told them. Take care and message me if you need any advice as I've been there..... and beat the bullies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 What did you tell them you were upset about? Is this at work???? You should not be hanging out with people who make you feel uncomfortable or bullied. Within one of my friend circles there is this bullying azzhole, who likes to target certain people, by embarrassing them in front of the group. I spoke to him on several occasions regarding his behavior, he said he would try to improve - I had been told that he had had an intervention several years back for his bullying ways. He would improve for a brief period then return to his bullying, as he got something out of making people feel less than. I decided to avoid him, unless in a large group setting, which is unfortunate because I am close to his partner - who he also disrespects. At some point you have take care of yourself and stay away from these types of people. Did you know that they were gossips and mean-spirited before this happened? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavrik Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Wether he knew they were gossipers or mean spirited doesn't make any difference. I hate bully's and will challenge them all, if they were in my friend circle, whoever or however they were a part of my circle, they wouldn't be part of it for a single second I hate those colleagues before you happytown, as if they would have taken a stand then you wouldn't have to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Wether he knew they were gossipers or mean spirited doesn't make any difference. I hate bully's and will challenge them all, if they were in my friend circle, whoever or however they were a part of my circle, they wouldn't be part of it for a single second I hate those colleagues before you happytown, as if they would have taken a stand then you wouldn't have to Yes. It does. When we choose to hang out with people who disrespect others, what does that say about us. The behavior is wrong, not only when it affects us. As a rule, I am not friends with gossips or bullies! If they do it to others, they will do it to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Wether he knew they were gossipers or mean spirited doesn't make any difference. I hate bully's and will challenge them all, if they were in my friend circle, whoever or however they were a part of my circle, they wouldn't be part of it for a single second I hate those colleagues before you happytown, as if they would have taken a stand then you wouldn't have to And, how would you remove the bully from the friend circle?????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 What's cowardly is that you are outnumbered. "Primary responses to bullying Failsafe responses are invaluable for intense moments, but normally you will apply specific techniques as dictated by the situation. Six primary responses are among the most effective. 1. Learn to interrupt a bully Responding to a bully often requires you to interrupt him. 2. Asking questions The shortest, most direct path to understanding a bully is to ask him questions. 3. Use paraphrasing It involves putting the essence of his thinking into your own words, as concisely as possible. 4. Act to resolve the issue Once you discover the meaning behind a bully’s attack, look for a way to resolve the issue.You might even earn his respect, causing him to avoid bullying you in the future. 5. Humorous responses Humor can be an effective weapon against bullying. In some cases, humor will diffuse the seriousness of his attack. 6. Things to avoid in your technique Don’t become your own worse enemy in dealing with a workplace bully. Certain types of mistakes can give him the upper hand, especially if you repeat them over and over. Things to avoid: Don’t be defensive Don’t be timid Don’t be fooled Don’t stoop to his level" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavrik Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Holly I would tell the person I find their behaviour oppresive and that I feel it best that I don't engage with them We need to be direct and tell the bullies straight so they are under no illusion There's no room for a softly softly approach to a bully Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Holly I would tell the person I find their behaviour oppresive and that I feel it best that I don't engage with them We need to be direct and tell the bullies straight so they are under no illusion There's no room for a softly softly approach to a bully I did, but he would continue the behavior months later. This is why I only deal with him in large group settings. I have declined all invitations from him, and his partner - unfortunately, his partner is always with him socially. He does not act up with me anymore, as he knows that I am done with him. None of our mutual friends know, as I do not want them to feel uncomfortable. This behavior is engrained, due to their own inadequacies, he will simply look for more bully supply. Perhaps, they could change if they wish to address their issues, through long-term therapy. He is no longer my problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 EXAMPLE: I tell someone I'm upset about something. Never a good idea to tell one person in a group any complaints about anyone else in the group. It will backfire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.