boyfriend stood me up for his ex

[Avy]

So, months ago I bought tickets for my boyfriend and I to attend a concert. He wanted this. He agreed to go before I bought them. The concert is next month. Both my boyfriend and I were married before. I am divorced. He is in the process of divorce, but has been separated 4 years. We both have children from our marriages. Today, he told me that he cannot come to the concert, because his ex wants to go to that concert and so he has agreed to mind their child. He did not consult with me about this. He simply told me that's what was happening. He says she doesn't go out often, and she often accommodates him with child minding arrangements and so he wants to give back to her. That sounds great...very thoughtful.....towards her. But what about me? Now my plans are thrown in the air. I either have to find someone else to go with me, or go alone and sell the ticket (if i can). I feel like he has blown me off for his ex. Incidentally, his ex knows nothing about me and I have never been allowed to meet his child, although he has met my children (we are together almost a year). I have met members of his family - but where his ex is concerned I do not exist. I feel very hurt by the concert cancellation. Am I being unfair?

[Keyman]

You have obviously told him that you are hurt about this? What did he say? Is there no way he can get another baby sitter to look after the child?

[Avy]

Yes I told him. He didn't really reply. He just said he was sorry.

[JoseG]

He probably still feels something towards his ex. It's a tough issue but you've got to discuss it being on the level.

[WithLove]

Based on what info you gave, yeah, I feel like he did disregard you and also that he is trying to be amicable with his ex (and there's nothing wrong with that). I'd be hurt that he didn't ask what you thought, and about his lackluster apology.

 

Do he often do things like this?

[ThatwasThen]

Yes I told him. He didn't really reply. He just said he was sorry.

 

Tell him you will Sell both tickets on E-Bay and offer to help babysit and see if he's jiggy with that. If he refuses then dump him. He's not that into you if he would cause you to feel this kind of hurt and cause you to lose money too boot.

 

I'm sure his ex (but not divorced after FOUR years) has a mother or sibling that can baby sit. No?

[Avy]

Yes his ex does have a lot of family and are reportedly very close. I'll talk to him again on the matter. It is very helpful to hear other people's opinions. Thank you very much

[ThatwasThen]

Let us know what he has to say, Avy. Try not to be confrontational but rather offer solutions wherein a compromise will end the conflict.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's very disappointing after a year of dating. For example no sitters, no family? At first glance it sounds like he doesn't want to rock the boat as far as her and seeing his kids.

 

However it also sounds like he's not ready to date or being in a relationship if they can't work out a child care, visitation and custody arrangement. It sounds like he may be trying to get back with her.

He is in the process of divorce, but has been separated 4 years. he told me that he cannot come to the concert, because his ex wants to go to that concert and so he has agreed to mind their child. Incidentally, his ex knows nothing about me and I have never been allowed to meet his child,

[abitbroken]

So, months ago I bought tickets for my boyfriend and I to attend a concert. He wanted this. He agreed to go before I bought them. The concert is next month. Both my boyfriend and I were married before. I am divorced. He is in the process of divorce, but has been separated 4 years. We both have children from our marriages. Today, he told me that he cannot come to the concert, because his ex wants to go to that concert and so he has agreed to mind their child. He did not consult with me about this. He simply told me that's what was happening. He says she doesn't go out often, and she often accommodates him with child minding arrangements and so he wants to give back to her. That sounds great...very thoughtful.....towards her. But what about me? Now my plans are thrown in the air. I either have to find someone else to go with me, or go alone and sell the ticket (if i can). I feel like he has blown me off for his ex. Incidentally, his ex knows nothing about me and I have never been allowed to meet his child, although he has met my children (we are together almost a year). I have met members of his family - but where his ex is concerned I do not exist. I feel very hurt by the concert cancellation. Am I being unfair?

 

First of all - he is a married man. It doesn't matter how long he has been separated (and he could have fudged that number, too). So as long as you have an affair with a married man, you have to know that you don't come first. His kids are first. And he has to juggle childcare with his WIFE

 

A lot of people will argue "its over" and he is right to date - but its not over because he doesn't have divorce papers in hand and also - he is not to the point where the wife is aware that he is dating.

 

I would simply not worry about what is fair or not - sell your tickets or find someone else to go and dump him. If he should actually become divorced in the future - you can decide whether to have him call you then or not.

[Hollyj]

Sorry to hear this. It's very disappointing after a year of dating. For example no sitters, no family? At first glance it sounds like he doesn't want to rock the boat as far as her and seeing his kids.

 

However it also sounds like he's not ready to date or being in a relationship if they can't work out a child care, visitation and custody arrangement. It sounds like he may be trying to get back with her.

 

I agree. This is why is is never good to date someone who is married. Why in the world have they been separated so long.?

[HeartGoesOn]

The most glaring red flag is directly in front of you...He's married. Also, "in the process of a divorce" equals the same meaning, he's married.

 

It's your call, but I'd move on.

[boltnrun]

If he truly is in the process of divorce he probably doesn't want to rock the boat with his ex until all of the papers are signed and filed with the court.

 

That being said, he didn't treat you with courtesy. And THAT speaks to his character.

[SherrySher]

I don't think he's too serious about you. After a year, the ex should know that he's involved with you. I am surprised she has no clue. I really would wonder about that, it

 

doesn't sound right.

 

Plus he completely disregards your feelings about the concert.

 

I understand to some degree if he does not want to rock the boat concerning the children, but he's basically placing you in the shadows and you don't matter, only he or his wife's

 

feelings matter.

 

He is still legally married, so being hurt is a tough one, seeing as getting involved with a married man (even separated) is never a good thing.

 

But what it comes right down to, you have no say right now. It's about his wife or him and he's not even willing to make you known. That's what I personally would have the

 

biggest problem with.

[catfeeder]

I'd consider anyone who's divorce is not finalized to still be married, and you're learning WHY.

[Avy]

Thanks to everyone for your replies and advise. To clarify the marriage thing, we are in Ireland and over here you cannot divorce until you have been separated for 4 years. He is legally separated.

I spoke to him last night and he thinks I am being unreasonable. He says he's trying to keep everything balanced and that as she never goes out he feels he owes her this. He had no answer to finding a babysitter. That's when I realised the biggest issue was he did not want her to see us together at the concert. When I said that he went quiet. Then turned the radio on (we were on our way out for the night). End of discussion. To my shame I got very very drunk last night. This is not usual behaviour for me at all. He dropped me home and then drove away with me crying in my driveway. He was supposed to stay the night. Since then he has not replied to texts or phonecalls. Needless to say the situation is not good.

[LaHermes]

That is correct Avy.

 

"In the past divorce was not possible in Ireland due to the influence of the Roman Catholic Church on politicians. Divorce was prohibited by the 1937 Constitution. While in 1986 the electorate rejected the possibility of allowing divorce in a referendum, the prohibition was ultimately repealed by a 1995 referendum which repealed the prohibition on divorce, despite Roman Catholic Church opposition. Laws to give effect to the new position came into effect in 1997, making divorce possible for parties who are separated for four out of the preceding five years. It is more difficult to obtain a divorce in Ireland than in other jurisdictions.

 

A couple must be separated for four of the preceding five years before they can obtain a divorce"

 

Countries differ widely on the subject of divorce.

 

 

Avy. I feel a little uneasy reading your last post. I have a constitutional dislike of people who apply the "silent treatment" as a form of punishment. Perhaps it might be a good idea to have a long, hard look at this relationship....

 

La Hermes (also currently in Eire)

[Ms Darcy]

Regardless, I would not date a man who is not divorced.

[abitbroken]

Even if divorce is more difficult in Ireland - it doesn't matter. He's still married. And should take those four years to learn what life is like as a divorced dad, not cultivate mistresses to hide from his wife. When he is legally divorced - then, and only then, he should date. Honestly, i wouldn't answer his call if he tried to call you. I'd be done. I understand completely though - if his ex has chief custody of the kids and she never goes anywhere, watching them is the right thing to do - and he is NOT babysitting because they are HIS kids. But i would have expected him to say he is busy that night and offer to watch them another night.

[LaHermes]

In essence I agree with you, Abit. This man is not yet divorced, Although I expect he has what is called a judicial separation. This four-year regulatory requirement is truly problematic, as it leaves the divorcing spouses in a kind of limbo. The situation the OP describes is not at all uncommon, given that I suppose it is a lot to ask someone to live like a monk/nun for four years. So, many separated spouses, if they have sufficient cash, try to obtain a divorce (quicker) outside the jurisdiction, but there are conditions attached to that too. All very complicated.

 

It is not unknown at all for separated spouses to get back together, precisely because of the four-year hiatus. And the OP would do well to remember that. During those required four years the separated spouses may well get to know each other better (oddly enough), decide to give it another try, or get fed up with all the waiting and the cost.

 

Here some more info for anyone interested:

 

"The grounds for divorce under the Family Law (Divorce) Act 1996 are threefold:

 

I. When divorce proceedings commence, the parties must have lived apart for at least 4 of the previous 5 years (where this occurs and a couple have lived together for a short period(s) of time to attempt to reconcile, a divorce decree can still be granted)

 

II. There is no reasonable prospect of reconciliation (the Court must be satisfied on this ground)

 

III. The Court must make proper provision for the spouses and any dependent members of the family (a dependent member of the family includes children born to both spouses, or one spouse if adopted by both spouses or by one spouse, or to whom either parent is ‘loco parentis’)

 

You will see from the above conditions that “fault” on the part of one or other party is irrelevant and it is worth noting that “living apart” is possible in the eyes of the Courts even if the parties are living under the same roof.

 

This will require considerable proof for the Court though before a decree is granted and it is important when having deeds or agreements of separation drawn up that they specify when the parties have commenced living apart.

 

 

When a couple cannot agree the terms by which they will live separately, an application to the courts for a decree of judicial separation can be made by either party. The court must be satisfied that:

 

The grounds for the application exist.

The couple has been advised about counselling and mediation.

Proper provision has been made for the welfare of any dependants

If it is satisfied, the court will grant a decree of judicial separation. The decree confirms that the couple is no longer obliged to live together as a married couple. The court may also make orders in relation to custody and access to children, the payment of maintenance and lump sums, the transfer of property, the extinguishment of succession rights, etc.

 

An application for a judicial separation is made either in the Circuit Court or the High Court. As in all family law matters, cases are heard in private and the public is not admitted to the courtroom.

[journeynow]

I'd rethink this as " boyfriend stood me up for his child" and "to avoid being at the concert where his wife would be". Yes, it is hurtful to you, but your relationship is complicated since he isn't officially divorced. He is still in the process, there is still room for conflict and mixed feelings and (as mentioned) rocking the boat with his soon-to-be-ex. People often justify starting a new relationship while still legally married for various logical reasons (the relationship "ended" long ago, they've been separated for a length of time, etc). But relationships aren't entirely logical, and disentangling isn't either. I don't know what to suggest, since you are already involved with him (and her, by proximity to their connection). If it were me, I'd step back, or even step out of the relationship until the divorce is done, the decree delivered, and a year of anniversaries, triggers, memories, ironing out, and healing has passed. Let them get used to being exes.

 

[EDIT]

 

I just read your more recent post:

 

Thanks to everyone for your replies and advise. To clarify the marriage thing, we are in Ireland and over here you cannot divorce until you have been separated for 4 years. He is legally separated.

I spoke to him last night and he thinks I am being unreasonable. He says he's trying to keep everything balanced and that as she never goes out he feels he owes her this. He had no answer to finding a babysitter. That's when I realised the biggest issue was he did not want her to see us together at the concert. When I said that he went quiet. Then turned the radio on (we were on our way out for the night). End of discussion. To my shame I got very very drunk last night. This is not usual behaviour for me at all. He dropped me home and then drove away with me crying in my driveway. He was supposed to stay the night. Since then he has not replied to texts or phonecalls. Needless to say the situation is not good.

 

I agree with your assessment that he doesn't want her to see you together at the concert. And that the situation is not good. I'm sorry.

[abitbroken]

II. There is no reasonable prospect of reconciliation (the Court must be satisfied on this ground)

 

I wonder if he's trying to keep the door open just a little bit by not having his wife know he's dating - to at least have that option with her. Even if he is trying to maintain the appearance of not getting back together in case the wife is very confident about the divorce, it doesn't irrepairably destroy it.

 

 

Yup. Too messy. Find single/never married men.

[LaHermes]

 

 

"Reconciliation is obviously the first option. Why break up a partnership which has a chance of success if it can be saved? Agencies like Accord can help you resolve a wide range of problems, ranging from sexual difficulties to alcoholism or unfaithfulness. But if the relationship can’t be rescued, the next option which should be considered is to seek a decree of nullity."

 

And yes, there are separated couples who do get back together, even if not for the noblest reasons. Money! There are judicially separated couples living under the same roof, because he has no where else to go. It is all so complicated .

[Rezie]

I personally think it is very unfair to blame OP for getting involved with a married man. Sure, he is married but he is legally separated. I think it is ridiculous and unrealistic to expect people to wait 4 years before building a romantic life.

 

To The actual issue. To me it sound like he is afraid to tell his wife that he is involved. I personally think that it might not be because he has feelings, but to protect his relationship with his child. Anyways, he is being very rude to you so you should consider if you want to be in a relationship where you can't really make plans.

[Avy]

Hi all, again I appreciate your input and advise. We have since spoken and he has given me the money it cost to buy the tickets (although I did not want it). It turns out that the getting drunk was not my fault - he was buying me doubles to try to change my mood, and I was unaware of that. I normally would not drink more than 4 drinks. So I had no chance of monitoring my intake. He is mad at me for my behaviour whilst drunk and I am mad at him for not hearing me. Despite that, we have agreed to let the situation go and to move onwards. In reality I feel I have entered a depression and so I cannot really trust my thoughts at the moment. It's best to keep everything calm and settled until I can view the situation more rationally.

 

Regarding the marriage issue - I do understand what many of you are saying. I think because his separation is legal, I saw it in much the same light as a divorce. After all, not having a divorce was not of his (or her) choosing. His divorce will be finalised in 6-8 weeks and so I intend to keep everything on the down-low until then.