Dumped and still in love but confused.

[Advicewelcome0]

Hi. Never done this before but feel like I'm cracking up and need to share. I was with an older woman , 7 years difference, casual relationship for 5 years. Long story, few months back we were having sex and a few weeks later I'm in court and getting 6 months restraining order not to contact her. We live a few hundred yards apart. One min we are sleeping together and then i need to keep away or face jail. What on earth happened?? I love her, i made mistake but how?? I can explain more in detail but just wanted to see if anyone was bored enough to listen. I know everyone said to forget and move on but i cant . Thanks

[Shunsparkle]

Please explain what happened

[Wiseman2]

A lot happened in those few weeks, no?

I was with an older woman, 7 years difference, casual relationship for 5 years. Long story, few months back we were having sex and a few weeks later I'm in court and getting 6 months restraining order not to contact her.

[Advicewelcome0]

Well. Maybe. I met this beautiful older woman, 5 years ago. My friend and i had a threesome with her. Few months later i got with her. Right or wrong. It don't matter. Yes i suppose that was always on my mind. We was in a casual relationship for 4,5 years. Few months into our relationship, she told me she loves me. I don't know if i was young or stupid but i was a moody git. I am generous, loving, caring, but i do get mood swings. Not violence. Never. But emotional abuse is just as bad . I know. We got through 3 years, then the last 2 years she kept wanting to go separate ways but i kept changing her mind. Then we had a massive row just after new year 2017. She blocked me, cut me off. The only way i could get her to speak to me was to demand all my expensive gifts back. I didn't want them, i just wanted to talk to her. So late January, police turn up and issued me with a harrasmennt order to keep away. I ignored it. We met up after and had sex. She said it was goodbye sex but we was seeing and sleeping with each other till march. Then we slept together again and i kept trying to make her change her mind by texting. Nothing nasty. Then police arrested me for harassment. Cos i sent 34 text messages in ten days. I sent another text and this time straight to court who gave me 6 months restraining order. Now i cant even speak to her. She lives yards from mine. If i open my curtains, i can see her house. Last time we had sex , she said all these nice things. Two weeks later it's court. I know she said she wants it to finish but why not just block me, unless she wanted me gone so she can be with someone else. God knows. I know i have been difficult but i have taken professional help to sort myself out. As in antidepressants but they are not doing much. I can't speak to her, i cant look at her, i can hear her every weekend walking to the pub with her sister. I want to move on and I'm not short of offers but i truly believe she is the one. And i just don't want to believe she wanted this to end like this.

[Clio]

It sounds like you kept overstepping boundaries. She did block you at one point but you persisted. The whole story sounds utterly unhealthy and you did harass her at one point. She sounds equally unstable so it's not surprising that she turned on you. It would be best to stay away as, sadly, you are not good for each other.

[Advicewelcome0]

As i said, in January, she said she wants it to be over. She said she will not respond to my texts again. So i kicked off, and demanded all my expensive gifts back. Which I didn't want. Just a way to engage in conversation. So then we met up had sex, etc, rinse and repeat and that's how i got restraining order. Cos she would be lovely etc, have sex, and then just ignore me so i felt i had to keep texting. I never touched her. Never threatend her. Just don't understand how she can be so cute and loving and sexual and then just turn

[journeynow]

Then we had a massive row just after new year 2017 ... late January, police turn up and issued me with a harrasmennt order to keep away.

 

There ^ is your clue that she is not "the one". The harassment order and ARREST make it clear it is time for you to move on and don't look back. Leave her alone for good.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like it spiraled out of control after the threesome. All you can do is stay away, right? Good you are sorting yourself out.

 

Stop any bad habits like drinking and drugs. Get into some support groups. Start doing healthy things. Get in shape, eat better, get your physical health in order. Join some clubs and groups that do healthy things hiking, whatever.

 

Update your image. Get new clothes, hair, etc.Take some martial arts classes to work off stress and learn self discipline.

late January, police turn up and issued me with a harrasmennt order to keep away. we slept together again and i kept trying to make her change her mind by texting. Then police arrested me for harassment. Cos i sent 34 text messages in ten days. I sent another text and this time straight to court who gave me 6 months restraining order. i have taken professional help to sort myself out. As in antidepressants but they are not doing much.

[Advicewelcome0]

Listen ye, i know all that, do you not think i want to let go, i just find it hard to understand how she can sleep with me, tell me she loves me and then stab me in the back? Am i just an idiot. Or are you missing the point. She treated me like one and then shot me in the back.

[Advicewelcome0]

Thank you Wiseman

[LaHermes]

Has it never occurred to you Advicewelcome, that this women is unstable. You cannot know what kind of world she inhabits inside your head, and best you do not know.

There is nothing to understand, insanity is hard to understand.

[Wiseman2]

Passion is funny like that. Love-hate.

[LaHermes]

Yep. Pulp fiction and all that.

[Advicewelcome0]

Thank you Wiseman 2. All i want is her. I know it ain't gonna happen. Just hard being so near her. But your advice is solid.

[Advicewelcome0]

She ain't crazy. Lol. I hope. I just don't understand how she can be so lovely, so close sexually but hate me so much at the same time

[maccerz]

Unfortunately these things happen. Nobody on here can tell you why she slept with you and then filed for a restraining order, unless there's something you're not telling us?

 

I know it's easier said than done but the best thing you can do for yourself right now is stop obsessing over why she did this and start trying to move on. You may never get those answers. As Wiseman said above, start focusing on you now, get healthy, get in shape, start joining clubs etc, try make some new friends and begin moving on with your life.

[LaHermes]

"Sounds like a real well-adjusted kind of lady!"

 

"I just don't understand how she can be so lovely, so close sexually but hate me so much at the same time"

 

Look this up:

 

" I hate you; don't leave me".

[Advicewelcome0]

Listen, i swear to you on my mother's life, it was as I said. She wanted to move on. I kept persisting. We kept having sex. She kept being lovely to my face and then a on phone. Ok i was obsessed, but why say things like i love you. Why sleep with me, i i meant nothing

[LaHermes]

Oh powers that be, help me here!

 

AW. Putting it bluntly crazy is as crazy does...and says. No rhyme or eason. And don't expect any either. There are people like that.

[Advicewelcome0]

So basically, we was together 4.5 years. We live yards apart. And I'm still not sure how i can accept it and move on. Was i blindly in love or is she someone with no feelings to go this far

[Annia]

Your behaviour (and hers too by the way) is very unhealthy. I see you're taking antidepressants, but are you having therapy?

 

Meanwhile you really need to respect the restraining order for your own good and accept that this relationship is over and let her go.

[Annia]

So basically, we was together 4.5 years. We live yards apart. And I'm still not sure how i can accept it and move on. Was i blindly in love or is she someone with no feelings to go this far

 

You were obsessed. Didn't you say you also emotionally abused her? And don't you see that besides it being an on off relationship it was extremely unhealthy?

 

You need to work on yourself and your issues before you can start thinking about getting into a relationship.

[LaHermes]

You were blind for sure, AW, and I'd go with the "no feelings" part as far as she is concerned. Acting blindly is unhealthy. So is being so self-absorbed as to have no feelings.

[Advicewelcome0]

Anyway, thanks for all your input people. I know the relationship is over, it's just don't help living so close to each other and i will never understand how she can be fine and then just switched. Who cares

[Wiseman2]

"Like a moth to a flame

 

Irresistibly and dangerously attracted to something or someone.

 

Origin:

 

The phrase is a simple allusion to the well-known attraction that moths have to bright lights. The word moth was used the the 17th century to mean someone who was apt to be tempted by something that would lead to their downfall. This is referred to by Shakespeare in The Merchant of Venice, 1596:

 

"Thus hath the candle singed the moth.""