In Need of Clarity

[Cinderella123]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. We have moved to a completely new continent so he can fulfil his lifetime career goals. I didn't expect for him to ask me to move with him as we were only in the initial stages of our relationship but we had fallen in love and were best friends. He offered to financially support me here as I could not afford the move. I am working hard to get a job so I can start making money to contribute to our home. Being financially dependent on him has left me feeling extremely vulnerable and I feel like he is using this a means to control me.

 

We have had some very serious arguments here. He suffers from severe depression and told me that most of the time, for the past twenty years of his life, he is unhappy. I act as his emotional support network but also his punch bag, when he is depressed. He will look at me with disgust and constantly make remarks to try and spark an argument. We have had three very big arguments over the past few months where he has roared that he does not love me, I'm stupid, no one likes me, I'm weak etc etc and anything else he can think of at the time to hurt me. He shouts, tells me the f&ck off and sometimes puts in hands on me (not too rough btw, I don't think he would actually physically hurt me).

 

He says I am incredibly difficult to be with, that I am full of hatred and lots of lots of extremely false accusations, including saying I am delusional. I have actually had friends of mine tell me that I am in fact 'too nice' person and an ex boyfriend of 5 years who still adores me. As I also suffer from depression these arguments make me very low and borderline suicidal as I have given up everything for him. I have spent an incredible amount of time working on myself before I met him, getting therapy for my depression/PTSD, meditation and soul searching. He picks on my weak points. For example 'nobody likes me and I'm stupid,' this is an insecurity of mine as I was bullied throughout my entire childhood. I am intelligent though, I have worked very hard in my career and have a masters degree. When I get depressed I just want a hug and warmth and understanding. This seems to be when he pounces and calls me weak etc etc. I am admittedly very sensitive which can be difficult I understand but I have promised him that I will work on this and I have. We live in a harsh environment and I have been so tough that my friends and family are in shock at this courageous new me.

 

In an argument last month a decided to completely submit to everything he was saying as an experiment. He was telling me I was delusional and he convinced on a lot of negative things about myself that I didn't think were possible but I decided to make myself completely vulnerable, experiment, trust him completely and follow his lead. I didn't put a step wrong. I was constantly positive, I didn't answer back when he offended me, I thought of new exciting things for us to do. Lack of sex has been an issue for me as I really enjoy the connection shared when two people in love have sex, however, I never complained to him about this as I thought it may be demasculating for him. Also, He did mention before that the depression affects his sex drive so I didn't want him to feel bad about this. However, in this particular argument he told me that its partly my fault as I don't initiate it. Since then I have tried over and over, only to be rejected. This is difficult for me.

 

So I continued on completely following his lead. Then recently we went to a dinner party. He took a particular shine to one of the girls who was there and who is our neighbour. He laughed at everything she said, looked at her immediately after he said something for her reaction and spent a lot of the night talking to her. All I could think about was how inadequate I felt and all of the negative qualities he told me I had were swirling around my head. I felt terrible. I stayed string and held my head up high and continued the night with a smile on my face. Then a couple of weeks later he told me this girls father had invited us on a trip. All expenses paid as he is quite wealthy. His father and her father had met before and became really good friends. If I'm honest I felt like my boyfriend and her would make a great couple and I didn't want to subject myself to their chemistry for a whole weekend. I know this is completely wrong and insecure but I couldn't stop feeling this way. I told my boyfriend I wanted to stay at home and work on a business idea I am currently trying to get started. Ultimately the trip was cancelled anyway and never happened. One night, as it seemed my boyfriend and I were back on track I tried to communicate to him what I was feeling. Just so we could clear it up and move forward and all be friends. I very subtley hinted at some points which he didn't pick up on. I told him I didn't want to go as I felt inadequate. He became irate so I dropped it. A few days later we went to a party, she was there. I was extremely polite and friendly as she is a lovely girl then my boyfriend came up and hugged her. I turned the other way and joined a different conversation. We left the party early as he was too drunk and needed to vomit. He told me he did not have a good evening as the conversation was terrible and the people there weren't his type go people. I brought him home, like I do most of the time when alcohol is involved. I forgot to mention, he drinks a lot, Another thing I have never and will never speak to him about. The next morning we were lying in bed and because we were having good conversation I decided to be direct, tell him how I was feeling so that the problem could be solved and our relationship could grow. I approached it extremely gently, in no way attacking or accusing. I just told him I felt inadequate as I think there is a spark between then. He went crazy.

 

That day he went to a social event we were both invited to. He left me at home for 8 hours, returned drunk and ignored me. We went to a friends place for lunch the next day and on the way home a high broke out between us. Again his shouted at me,hands around my neck, 'I don't love you,' 'you are a c%$t' 'get out of here, f87k off,' I cried and tried to put my hands softly on his and ask him why he is doing this to me. He continued to shout. I bowed my head and left the room and cried my eyes out. The next day he ignored me. Posting pictures of his day out on social media and talking on the phone like he was the happiest person on earth. I hid in my room. the following day he asked me something very general about dinner or something while I sat outside, tears streaming down my face. I responded 'my heart is broken.' he told me not to put that on him and walked away. Today we finally spoke. He said he can't be with someone who is delusional. I told him that I need to be able to express my feelings. He told me I have too many. This went on and on. He lied about a lot of things about me and my character then left for a meeting. Im a tough person and a good honest, loyal and caring person. They are the exact words my father used when he met my boyfriend. I feel like he is taking his depression out on me. It almost feels like all the things he is accusing me of being, are secretly the things he sees in himself. Im a tough cookie but I feel scared right now. Can anyone shed some light?

[KantSleep]

Its hard for me to say what is normal in a relationship. Everyone has their own normal. I can only say in mine, going on 2 years now, by BF has never called me a single name or made me feel bad about myself. Nor does he go to parties and generate sparks with other women. Nor does he drink excessively and have a low sex drive and rebuff my advances. This guy sounds like a complete wreck, not you. He is no good for you and is slowly destroying you, the person who spent time working on your own issues to feel whole. He is NOT WORTH IT. I would run, not walk, back home. I truly hope you have a support network and a way to get back to your continent. A boyfriend is supposed to enhance your life, be kind and good to you, and be your support system. Just the vile names alone, that he calls you, would be enough for me to leave. Value yourself. There is a man out there who will love and adore you and treat you right. This isn't right.

[SooSad33]

I didn't read all... but.. you need to get out of this! For your own sanity....

 

He says I am incredibly difficult to be with, that I am full of hatred and lots of lots of extremely false accusations, including saying I am delusional.

- This is a reflection of himself. Not you.

 

he is nasty.. controlling... and physical towards you- all bad.. all toxic.

 

Get a hold of your family.. tell them you need to get out of this.. to help you get back to where you came from.

Get away from such an ***... and stay away from this type of person.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Agree it was way too much, too soon, too fast. Unfortunately it was a mistake to rush into this without a job and not knowing anyone or anything about this place. All that glitters isn't gold especially when it comes to abusers.

 

Move back home. Do not be anyone's 'emotional punching bag'. Often abusers are very quick to attach, isolate and make you dependent on them.

 

Secretly contact all your people back home and make arrangements to move back. Get out of this it won't get better. Run . have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. We have moved to a completely new continent so he can fulfil his lifetime career goals. He offered to financially support me here as I could not afford the move.Being financially dependent on him has left me feeling extremely vulnerable and I feel like he is using this a means to control me. I act as his emotional support network but also his punch bag, when he is depressed. He will look at me with disgust and constantly make remarks to try and spark an argument.

[DancingFool]

....This is a textbook abuser situation - sweep you off your feet, quick attachment, isolate you, make you dependent, commence abuse. Abuse itself is a cycle of things going good, then tension rising, then abuse/explosion, apologies and improvement and ....rinse and repeat round and round the cycle goes until the victim finds the guts to leave for good. On the victim side, the good times is what hooks. The victim hopes that if only they follow the rules, obey, do whatever it takes to please their abuser that they can control the situation and stop the abuse. Little do they understand that for the abuser it's never about what the victim does or doesn't do - it's the abuser's desire to control, beat, and punish no matter what. It makes the abuser feel powerful, feel good, feel in control, it's addictive that power trip over their victim. If they need to make up something to beat you over, they will. You cannot please an abuser, you can only run away before you end up with broken bones or in the morgue.....and please stop deluding yourself that he would never seriously hurt you. HE IS ALREADY PUTTING HIS HANDS ON YOU!!!!!

 

 

Are you ready to face up to the fact that you are in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, that you ARE in fact being actively abused and that the only response to this situation is to leave immediately? Quietly go to the airport, get on the next flight out and get out and be certain he is not around to stop you and has no clue whatsoever where you are in the world. Yes, it's that bad, but can you see it? Do you get it or you are still living in denial?

[ParisPaulette]

You're in an abusive relationship. It doesn't get better or stop until you leave or they kill you. I'm just going to state that openly as someone who worked in a women's shelter, there are no other options.

 

Make secret arrangements to go while he's not home and get your family or friends to get you out of there, block and delete him, and don't look back. I will not give you any other advice. Just please leave, it's not his "depression" that is doing that. That is an excuse, his justifier for why he's abusive since that sounds "plausible' and "excusable" as opposed to the truth "I get off on violence and hurting you."

 

Just go.

[Cinderella123]

Thank you all for your responses and kind advice. I was actually blown away as I was expecting people to write that I was being pathetic and that my boyfriend is trying his best and I should be supportive. He received some good news yesterday and returned home as if nothing had ever happened and started talking to me again. He has already being quite offensive and rude to me twice today already though. I don't have the money to leave at the moment and I have no where to go. I do however, have my parents place but I do not see it as a safe haven. My mother is bi polar and would be likely to turn on me v quickly and kick me out. This has happened many times before. I know it sounds crazy but thats unfortunately what I'm working with. I dread to think that because Im explaining my boyfriend and mother badly that people will think I am the crazy one. At the moment things are too bad as at least my boyfriend is speaking with me. However, all of the advise given to me above has had a powerful positive affect on me and I promise you all that I will try to see through how he is trying to control/abuse me and take steps towards getting myself out of this. Thank you all so very very much.

[LaHermes]

Cinderella:

 

As the others have pointed out this individual is toxic, an abuser, emotionally mentally and physically, and will grind you down if you continue allowing him to do so..

 

At least he is speaking to you! Do you realise how that sounds. He doesn't love you, never did, and is anything but a best friend.

 

Please re-read Dancing's post. You need to get out of this situation and quickly.

Do not become a statistic.

[DancingFool]

Cinderella, I just want to point out to you that facts are neither good nor bad, they are just facts. The fact is that your mother has bipolar. It's an illness and it comes with certain issues and challenges same as any other illness. It's not speaking badly about your mother. Your boyfriend putting his hands on you is a fact. In his case, it's a fact you need to do something about, as in get out of this relationship asap.

 

Do you have any friends back in your own country that could help you out? Lend some funds for a ticket out, lend a couch? People will help you if they know your situation and how dire it actually is. How tightly does he control your access to money? Can you start stashing away $5 here or $20 there? Can you contact your old employer before you moved and see if they could take you back in any capacity at all, even if just clerical or secretarial so you can start getting back on your feet at least a little bit?

[Cinderella123]

Hi All,

 

Something made me think of this post tonight. I have never written a blog or on a form before but when I write this initial post I was desperate for help and I want to thank you all. When I read your posts I was grateful but so in denial at the time that I convinced myself that i had dramatised the events and exaggerated my situation in my post and that I was in fact delusional.

 

What followed a few weeks later was that my BF fell out with our landlord so we had to return back to the city we met in (his home, mine for 6 years) while we waited for a new place to be ready for us to move in to. Before our return he was drinking heavily and told me he wanted a break from me the day we were returning and this destroyed me. I had no where to go but a hotel I could barely afford. I lay in a hotel room for 2 weeks until he was ready to see me again. When we saw each other I expected a long explanation and apology. I didnt get one. We spent the next couple of weeks going to different events and seeing friends that he had arranged. I felt rushed from one place to another. He had bought himself a new motorbike to ease his pain while we were on a break(!!) so he rode this and I took trains mostly to wherever we were expected..his parents house, friends houses etc.

 

One day after going to an event with his stepfather that I couldn't make it to because I was exhausted (probably emotionally drained) he decided that he didnt want to do it anymore. He dropped me like the flick of a switch. I was depressed and suicidal for a while. I started drinking and smoking heavily which i have never ever resorted to in my life, even at my weakest moments. Probably a way of feeling connected to him, as pathetic as it sounds. With the help of my family, I eventually pulled myself up and admittedly had to start taking anti-depressants.

 

Unfortunately, the habit of drinking has stuck. I don't drink a lot but I think about it a lot more often than I ever did. I have been through 30 years of my life without ever resorting to alcohol. Im feeling a lot better but 3 - 4 months on I still get down, miss him, hate him, get severely anxious about my future, momentary thoughts of suicide and more often than not question how I could have let this happen to me. I still have about 30% of my belongings in the country we moved to. Im a broken person who used to be strong and independent. I did not see through him. I remember once him and I having a humorous conversation after watching a romantic movie about who wanted to die first as each of us couldn't live without the other. This is before we moved away, before I saw his dark side.

 

Its safe to say I do not trust love anymore and from someone who used to think it was the fundamental thing we all live for - I don't think I want it to re-enter my life ever. Apart from the love I have for family and friends of course. Please learn from this readers.

 

Thank you so much again for your help and advise.