Cinderella123 Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Hi Everyone, I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. We have moved to a completely new continent so he can fulfil his lifetime career goals. I didn't expect for him to ask me to move with him as we were only in the initial stages of our relationship but we had fallen in love and were best friends. He offered to financially support me here as I could not afford the move. I am working hard to get a job so I can start making money to contribute to our home. Being financially dependent on him has left me feeling extremely vulnerable and I feel like he is using this a means to control me. We have had some very serious arguments here. He suffers from severe depression and told me that most of the time, for the past twenty years of his life, he is unhappy. I act as his emotional support network but also his punch bag, when he is depressed. He will look at me with disgust and constantly make remarks to try and spark an argument. We have had three very big arguments over the past few months where he has roared that he does not love me, I'm stupid, no one likes me, I'm weak etc etc and anything else he can think of at the time to hurt me. He shouts, tells me the f&ck off and sometimes puts in hands on me (not too rough btw, I don't think he would actually physically hurt me). He says I am incredibly difficult to be with, that I am full of hatred and lots of lots of extremely false accusations, including saying I am delusional. I have actually had friends of mine tell me that I am in fact 'too nice' person and an ex boyfriend of 5 years who still adores me. As I also suffer from depression these arguments make me very low and borderline suicidal as I have given up everything for him. I have spent an incredible amount of time working on myself before I met him, getting therapy for my depression/PTSD, meditation and soul searching. He picks on my weak points. For example 'nobody likes me and I'm stupid,' this is an insecurity of mine as I was bullied throughout my entire childhood. I am intelligent though, I have worked very hard in my career and have a masters degree. When I get depressed I just want a hug and warmth and understanding. This seems to be when he pounces and calls me weak etc etc. I am admittedly very sensitive which can be difficult I understand but I have promised him that I will work on this and I have. We live in a harsh environment and I have been so tough that my friends and family are in shock at this courageous new me. In an argument last month a decided to completely submit to everything he was saying as an experiment. He was telling me I was delusional and he convinced on a lot of negative things about myself that I didn't think were possible but I decided to make myself completely vulnerable, experiment, trust him completely and follow his lead. I didn't put a step wrong. I was constantly positive, I didn't answer back when he offended me, I thought of new exciting things for us to do. Lack of sex has been an issue for me as I really enjoy the connection shared when two people in love have sex, however, I never complained to him about this as I thought it may be demasculating for him. Also, He did mention before that the depression affects his sex drive so I didn't want him to feel bad about this. However, in this particular argument he told me that its partly my fault as I don't initiate it. Since then I have tried over and over, only to be rejected. This is difficult for me. So I continued on completely following his lead. Then recently we went to a dinner party. He took a particular shine to one of the girls who was there and who is our neighbour. He laughed at everything she said, looked at her immediately after he said something for her reaction and spent a lot of the night talking to her. All I could think about was how inadequate I felt and all of the negative qualities he told me I had were swirling around my head. I felt terrible. I stayed string and held my head up high and continued the night with a smile on my face. Then a couple of weeks later he told me this girls father had invited us on a trip. All expenses paid as he is quite wealthy. His father and her father had met before and became really good friends. If I'm honest I felt like my boyfriend and her would make a great couple and I didn't want to subject myself to their chemistry for a whole weekend. I know this is completely wrong and insecure but I couldn't stop feeling this way. I told my boyfriend I wanted to stay at home and work on a business idea I am currently trying to get started. Ultimately the trip was cancelled anyway and never happened. One night, as it seemed my boyfriend and I were back on track I tried to communicate to him what I was feeling. Just so we could clear it up and move forward and all be friends. I very subtley hinted at some points which he didn't pick up on. I told him I didn't want to go as I felt inadequate. He became irate so I dropped it. A few days later we went to a party, she was there. I was extremely polite and friendly as she is a lovely girl then my boyfriend came up and hugged her. I turned the other way and joined a different conversation. We left the party early as he was too drunk and needed to vomit. He told me he did not have a good evening as the conversation was terrible and the people there weren't his type go people. I brought him home, like I do most of the time when alcohol is involved. I forgot to mention, he drinks a lot, Another thing I have never and will never speak to him about. The next morning we were lying in bed and because we were having good conversation I decided to be direct, tell him how I was feeling so that the problem could be solved and our relationship could grow. I approached it extremely gently, in no way attacking or accusing. I just told him I felt inadequate as I think there is a spark between then. He went crazy. That day he went to a social event we were both invited to. He left me at home for 8 hours, returned drunk and ignored me. We went to a friends place for lunch the next day and on the way home a high broke out between us. Again his shouted at me,hands around my neck, 'I don't love you,' 'you are a c%$t' 'get out of here, f87k off,' I cried and tried to put my hands softly on his and ask him why he is doing this to me. He continued to shout. I bowed my head and left the room and cried my eyes out. The next day he ignored me. Posting pictures of his day out on social media and talking on the phone like he was the happiest person on earth. I hid in my room. the following day he asked me something very general about dinner or something while I sat outside, tears streaming down my face. I responded 'my heart is broken.' he told me not to put that on him and walked away. Today we finally spoke. He said he can't be with someone who is delusional. I told him that I need to be able to express my feelings. He told me I have too many. This went on and on. He lied about a lot of things about me and my character then left for a meeting. Im a tough person and a good honest, loyal and caring person. They are the exact words my father used when he met my boyfriend. I feel like he is taking his depression out on me. It almost feels like all the things he is accusing me of being, are secretly the things he sees in himself. Im a tough cookie but I feel scared right now. Can anyone shed some light? Link to comment
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