Good friend with BPD cut me out of her life - and I'm struggling

[cherrytree17]

Hi all,

normally I wouldn't consider asking advice about this, but I miss my friend terribly and it's quite the torture. I don't know if I should try to contact her again, but I really want to - would you try? Do you think that would be fair/okay?

Here's the backstory:

 

We met in school about 5 years ago. She is 12 years my senior, but we became friends immediately - for some reason, we just clicked. She was the opposite of me - very outgoing, extroverted, loud, cheerful. She was incredibly friendly with everyone and made friends everywhere. But when I started spending more time with her, I realised that it was just a front - she had Borderline Personality Disorder and really had no close friends at all, just people she occasionally talked to. Since I also had no close friends, we spent more and more time together, and she became a sort of big sister to me over the years. I lived at her place for about 6 months when I had a falling out with my family, and she helped me get back on my feet. Her mood swings were always extreme, and she was borderline obsessed with her boyfriend, but we had a special bond and stuck with each other through everything. Then one day, I didn't agree with her on something and she stopped talking to me for three months out of nowhere. I had seen this coming and left her alone to cool of, which happened eventually. We went back to being good friends and talking daily. She quit her work and started her driver's license, and I moved into her city with my boyfriend so I could see her more often. We were talking about opening a business together, with another mutual acquaintance. One day, she wanted to concentrate on her final driving lessons and told me to leave her alone for a while to study for her exam - and that's the last I've heard of her.

 

I am still terribly heartbroken over this. She was a part of my family and I miss her company, like whoa. Any tries to contact her have been useless. She changed her phone number, won't open the door and doesn't reply to e-mails. There's been no contact for almost 4 months now and I can't seem to just forget about her. Everyone is telling me to move on and that she's a terrible person who doesn't deserve my friendship.

But I know her much better than anyone else and I am worried how she's doing. She has a history of depression, eating disorders, and very wrong priorities, and even though I know she's doing alright and has an income again, I still miss her. She was like my big sister and I want to be a part of her life.

 

But I don't know if it's okay for me to try and contact her again. She purposefully shut me out. Do I have a right to try and talk to her about it? I don't know exactly why she did it, but she used to stop contact with me thinking she was no good for me. I think she viewed me moving in with my boyfriend as a sort of "Now she's in good hands and doesn't need me in her life anymore" kind of thing. But yeah, I don't agree. I want my friend back. Help please?

[Andrina]

Speaking for myself, if a friend moved closer to me to see me more often, and called me daily or wanted to make plans with me daily, I would feel smothered. You say you have no other close friends, so she's the sole center of your universe in the friendship area. Perhaps this worked for her at one point and doesn't now, or perhaps she felt smothered but didn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

Time to expand your world. If you don't have a hobby, find one. Join meetups.com to enjoy activities you like while enjoying other people's company.

 

When you're young, friendships can be intense and all encompassing. As people get older and get busy with careers, romantic partners, children, and all important alone-time, they usually make time for friends, but it's sometimes not as often as it was in the days of their youth.

 

No, I wouldn't contact her. She's an adult and has survived this long without you. She is sending a message that she'd prefer to not get together with you right now. If she does contact you in the future, have a discussion about what she thinks of your friendship and what she wants to change within the friendship, to make it one she wants to keep. For now, I'd leave the ball in her court. If she never comes back, treasure the memories and know that life doesn't always unfold the way you want it to and learn from your mistakes, so new friendships will have a higher risk of success.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but it seems you were overly-dependent, over attached, over invested and had an unhealthy relationship. Focus on your bf, other friends, family, etc.

 

Do not contact her. You need space from each other so you can examine this strange dependence on her.

 

Learn to make healthy friendships with healthy people and healthy boundaries. Join groups and clubs that reflect your interests, volunteer, take some night school classes or courses. Expand your horizons past this unhealthy folie à deux .

[cherrytree17]

I was the one feeling smothered for most parts, because of her mental illness. I was hoping someone with BPD experience could shed some light on wether or not I should break the silence.

She wanted us to move closer and was the one calling daily. Like stated above, we were thinking about opening a business together.

 

She is quite peculiar, and does not think like the average person. Of course if she was a bit more usual, I wouldn't think twice about it and leave her alone. Some friendships are not meant to be and it is entirely her decision if she wants to see me again. But she basically cut me out of her life on what I suspect was a very rash decision based on an illusion. She gets psychotic too and has paranoid thoughts to the point where she thinks she is God.

Of course this doesn't sound like a great person to have a friendship with but we've grown together and I have learned how do deal with her mood swings and paranoias.

 

There has been a time where we both have been quite co-depended and had a very unhealthy friendship, but we've moved past this and build our own lives.