Advice on LDR break up needed

[LostInMist]

Hello, thank you for real if you read this becaues it's a bit long : P.

 

I have been in LDR for 2 years. Firstly, I suffer from depression and so does my boyfriend. Everything was great for the first year. As time went by, I started feeling hopeless. I was going to college, trying to work, trying to stay in contact with friends. It was hard because of the depression. But I was trying not to give myself in and sink completly. Meanwhile, my boyfriend never did anything. I tried to be supportive at first, I tried to tell him nicely that it would be better for him if he kept himself busy or just TRIED anything. He would say he will do something but he never did. If he went to gym, he would quit after 2 weeks, if he tried eating normal amount of food, he would stop after some time. It just started to bother me. I could see no future, I felt like I am the only one trying to make this work. I even wanted to move for him, to his or some other country. When I asked him, he would say that he would not move from his country because he likes living there (benefits etc.). That made me hurt. That he woudln't even consider moving for me, for our relationship to be real. When I mentioned this, he said that he would not want me to move from my country if I liked it there. Little by little, I piled everything inside. I started seeing his depression as a sign that he doesn't care enough. Because I suffer from it too and I know you cannot really compare 2 different people's conditions but I just tought at least he would try something for us, just try. I just felt miserable, when I went to see him irl I felt different, like I hold it against him and I still felt miserable. I tried mentioning all of this. He said that his depression shouldn't be my concern and if I loved him actually it wouldn't matter. I do love him, but I do not think love is enough to make something work. Am I wrong for being bothered by all of that? Whenever I mentioned something, even to eat more he would start to feel bad and shut down. Is it really not my concern? Aren't we supposed to be a team? I cannot live my whole life in something virtual alltho my emotions are real. Today I broke up with him. I feel so bad, like I lost the love of my life (I never loved anyone before,we are both 23), like I hurt the best and the most honest person I ever knew. I try to make myself feel better by thinking he would be hapier with someone who is not depressed like him, someone happier who is not sensitive as I am. I do not think we were actually compatible, we made each other miserable, we fought a lot and everytime because of missunderstanding. I shared my feelings a lot, all of them, he never shared anything. One time he also said whenever he feels down he thinks about my past relationships and that that makes him feel even worse, that he was not my first and that I had bf before (altho I never truly loved anyone). That made me hurt too. It's not something I can change. It's part of me.. And now I need some objective thinking. I asked to stay in touch because I still care. He said he loves me too much to stay in touch and he instantly deleted me from everything. It makes me feel so awful knowing that I will never know how his life is going, is he better, I just still love him. I wanted for us to be happy together and I tried my best to make it happen but hopelessness just destroyed me. I feel so awful and alone and knowing I hurt him makes me want to hurt myself. Please tell me I did the right thing. I love him..

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How often did you see each other? Agree, his health habits, eating habits, medical conditions, etc. are not your concern. He's a grown man and can deal with them as he sees fit.

 

You did the right thing. LDRs are difficult there were too many incompatibilities and you felt miserable. It was best to set both of yourselves free to pursue local and viable relationships.

he would say that he would not move from his country because he likes living there (benefits etc.). That made me hurt. That he woudln't even consider moving for me, for our relationship to be real. I just felt miserable, when I went to see him irl I felt different, like I hold it against him and I still felt miserable.I cannot live my whole life in something virtual alltho my emotions are real.

[covertmission]

I think you were trying too hard. I feel a little like a hypocrite (due to my own situation, unrelated) when I say this, but a healthy relationship has some balance to it. Give and take. While your boyfriend has depression, it is not your responsibility. If a relationship is not meeting all of your needs, you need to communicate it directly, and if it doesn't change, then leave. It sounds like he's less committed than you are, for whatever reason. You did the right thing.

 

I can relate to you still loving him. First love is HARD. There will be a lot of guilt from leaving him. I didn't forgive myself for leaving my first love for over a year, and I held onto that guilt for way too long. Work on forgiving yourself. It's not you, it's not your fault. Sometimes relationships don't work out, even though we pour ourselves into them. LDR is especially difficult, I feel you there!

 

I read an article today about how there's actually 3 beings in a relationship, you, your partner and the relationship (heterosexual example). When a relationship fails, it's because the relationship is bad, not that you or your partner were necessarily bad. This has helped me a lot with understanding what went wrong. Now it's time to focus on YOU!

[LostInMist]

Thank you. You actually advised me to break up in the first thread I opened few months ago...

 

We saw eachother only 3 times for 10 days each time. I know LDR is the worst kind of relationship but is it okay for him to say I do not love him because I am making a condition: get help or we do not have future. It's not like it's condition for loving him, I still love him. It's a condition for our future to actually happen. He started going to therapy again but he misses it often etc. It's kinda like he started trying but I have just lost all hope. And considering I'll go back to college for two more years, it's depressing. How do you actually deal with hurting someone and never hearing from them again.. How can I be sure this wasn't the mistake of my life and I will never love anyone or that I ruined him? : ( Sorry to be so whiny and dramatic

 

 

E: this was for wiseman

 

Thank you covertmission, I get what you are saying. Maybe I was trying too hard but it's hard for me to sit and let it happen if I feel unappy. It's just the whole thing I wrote above that worries me. I know I should focus on myself but I am really empathetic person so it's hard. I think for me, it's best to be alone to be honest.