Anxiety - Should I feel guilty

[highlandman]

So for those who read my original post I had a relationship with a girl half my age when my marriage broke down. - I ended the relationship because the girl had paranoia,

 

I transpires that the paranoia was an output of anxiety. and having read up on the condition a lot recently I am starting to understand some of the behaviours. my questions are:

 

 

 

1. - is it every possible to date someone with Anxiety ?- (Not for me personally but you never know what the future holds)

2. have any of you ended a relationship because of anxiety in your partner (to the point where you felt like you were on eggshells all time and it was too un-nerving to be yourself)

 

3. - how long after a break up with someone who had anxiety did you start to feel completely yourself?

 

 

thanks in advance for your continued support.

[Bec090]

1. - is it every possible to date someone with Anxiety ?- (Not for me personally but you never know what the future holds)

Yes absolutely but in order to do so you need a lot of patience and to do your research. You need to be prepared and they need to have professional support.

 

2. have any of you ended a relationship because of anxiety in your partner (to the point where you felt like you were on eggshells all time and it was too un-nerving to be yourself)

Yes. He was constantly up and down... hot and cold and would frequently zone out. It ruined our relationship as he didn't get help to have strategies for managing it. Most nights he didn't sleep and it got to a point where I felt something was always wrong... It can be exhausting even though I loved and supported him through everything.

 

3. - how long after a break up with someone who had anxiety did you start to feel completely yourself?

I'm still yet to have an answer to that

[highlandman]

1. - is it every possible to date someone with Anxiety ?- (Not for me personally but you never know what the future holds)

Yes absolutely but in order to do so you need a lot of patience and to do your research. You need to be prepared and they need to have professional support.

 

2. have any of you ended a relationship because of anxiety in your partner (to the point where you felt like you were on eggshells all time and it was too un-nerving to be yourself)

Yes. He was constantly up and down... hot and cold and would frequently zone out. It ruined our relationship as he didn't get help to have strategies for managing it. Most nights he didn't sleep and it got to a point where I felt something was always wrong... It can be exhausting even though I loved and supported him through everything.

 

3. - how long after a break up with someone who had anxiety did you start to feel completely yourself?

I'm still yet to have an answer to that

 

 

Thank you - 1 and 2 very helpful, - hopefully 3 will come for you soon

[limichelle]

Yes my ex had what he called relationship anxiety after 7 years of being together! It came on suddenly and I tried to help him for the last three years of our relationship. Never again will I date someone like that. He put the blame on me most of the time. He wouldn't call me because I was the source of it all. He truly believes that. We broke up two and a half years ago. I'm betting he still suffers from the anxiety. However he had other mental health issues.

 

It gets easier because you don't have to deal with their anxiety and you feel a weight being lifted off your shoulders.

 

Lisa

[charity]

1. I guess it is possible for some people. I think you have to be very accepting and patient. I posses neither of these two attributes so I won't go there.

 

2. Yes I have. I didn't have the tolerance or will to entertain all the anxieties, about me about the relationship, jobs...life. Things I see as just 'life' stuff would consume him.

 

3. I never felt 'not myself'. But I did have instant relief in that I knew I had done the right thing for myself at last.

 

This is my second time in a relationship with someone who has mental health issues. I have come to realize that that for me is a deal-breaker, not only because I can't deal with it but because I will do this person more harm than good due to my lack of understanding.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with limichelle, it sounds too difficult to date someone this impaired and untreated. What was her paranoia about? Was she jealous and distrusting of you?

[reinventmyself]

I have anxiety. I've had it for years and with the help of therapy, meds (no longer on meds) I have learned to deal with it and live with it.

 

It becomes a mixed bag in relationships. Anxiety isn't a mysterious sensation that comes over you. Someone with anxiety tends to be more sensitive to

certain things. If she feels she was walking on eggshells then there was something likely triggering her that was going on your relationship.

 

The goal is to learn what it is that makes one anxious and the difference between self soothing or recognizing that the triggers are something they can't live with.

 

I know the difference of being with someone that doesn't spike my anxiety, that I feel a sense of consistency and trust with.

Then the flip side where there is a dynamic between myself and someone else that doesn't allow myself to feel at ease.

 

People with anxiety should try to look at it as their friend. It's a built in accountability system that if you listen to what it's telling you, it can

steer you on the right path.

[ParisPaulette]

1. Are we talking anxiety or are we talking unreasoning jealousy of the controlling kind? Because the two are very different things - the first is fairly easy to deal with, especially if the person in question knows they are an anxious person and they have strategies in place to cope with it. I'm in that category. When I started dating my husband I had a few near panic attacks, because he's an artist and that means galas and other art functions with people I don't know. He was very calm and understanding and made it a point to have people we both knew mutually around, or to take me out to lunch with a gallery owner beforehand, to calm my fears. So it was doable.

 

If the anxiety is the second kind there's nothing you can do, but tell the other person to get therapy then excuse yourself before things spiral further out of control, because they will. Deep controlling jealousy disguised as "anxiety" or "paranoia" is extremely toxic to dangerous depending on how far the other person will go to control you. At best it's exhausting, at worst they can become physically dangerous to keep their control absolute.

 

2. Yes. Several relationships, which again wasn't really my having an anxiety disorder so much as I knew or saw or experienced (or all three) that something about them was very unhealthy and/or toxic to me. In fact my entire relationship structure with everyone in my life now is based around: if I feel I have to walk on eggshells with you, then you need to get out of my life and stay out. Because that ship is not normal and I've learned not to tolerate or excuse it in anyone. It doesn't come from nowhere if you don't experience it with everyone. And if you do experience it with everyone then it's time to go see a therapist.

 

3. My anxieties or fear or just not feeling good/depressed/overly dependent/other unhealthy and unwanted behaviors and emotions settled down within three months of the other person being out of my life. For me anxiety has to have a trigger, a reason. I guess when I say I'm anxious it's just that there are things that will bother me or make my heart race sometimes that others might not be troubled over. I will tend to startle or react quicker to certain triggers than others, I have PTSD from an assault when I was younger so that's a big source of it. But if I'm with someone I know and love and they are not toxic to me there is no anxiety.

 

If I got to three months out and suddenly felt good again it was a sure sign the other person was someone I should not have been involved with to begin with.

 

Also to note, when someone talks to you about how they are still anxious over someone else's actions years later, really that person does need therapy and to address their original issues. Nothing else is going to do it and putting all of that on a loved one is not the answer.

[reinventmyself]

sorry. . but I read your previous posts. It appears that you reconciled with your wife?

Is it fair to have called this young girl paranoid?

And you apparently aren't over the young girl, yet working on going forward with your wife.

 

So, to answer your question. `should you feel guilty'

The 21 year old may have been young but my guess is she knew the outcome.

I don't think that makes her paranoid. That makes her smart.

If you hadn't closed the door on your marriage, then yes you should feel guilty for having involved someone else.

[highlandman]

sorry. . but I read your previous posts. It appears that you reconciled with your wife?

Is it fair to have called this young girl paranoid?

And you apparently aren't over the young girl, yet working on going forward with your wife.

 

So, to answer your question. `should you feel guilty'

The 21 year old may have been young but my guess is she knew the outcome.

I don't think that makes her paranoid. That makes her smart.

If you hadn't closed the door on your marriage, then yes you should feel guilty for having involved someone else.

 

not quite as cut and dry as that, - my fault for not sharing the whole picture.

 

I split from my wife then I started the relationship - I have 2 kids and she was paranoid that I was spending too much time at the family home seeing the kids, taking them to after school actvities etc.

 

she wasn't trusting of me and asked me to turn location tracking on my phone so she could monitor where I was.

 

We were both convinced in the early stages that it was going to work and I have 2nd thoughts after the paranoia. The reason I ask should I feel guilty is I have hurt her, and I blame myself.

 

I have patched things back together with my wife and within hindsight should have stayed single for a year before doing anything but I didn't. the girl has moved on and has someone new and I wouldn't go back, I am looking for closure hence my original question. Thanks for the comments. In my head the door was very closed on my marriage (My wife said she didn't want to be with me any more) so I was convinced it was over hence my thoughts of moving on.

[saluk]

You shouldn't have felt guilty, and definitely should not STILL feel guilty. Whatever the cause, she was too controlling. It's not good for either party to be in a relationship where someone wants to put a location tracker to know where the other person is at all times.

[Iggy5129]

She was worried that you would go back to your wife and you did. So I wouldn't say she's paranoid or anxious. She just had a gut feeling that was correct.

 

You sound selfish and confused. If you love your wife why are you still thinking about this 21 year old girl??

 

Why are you trying to make her sound like a paranoid crazy person when you did exactly what she was worried about you doing. I don't think you loved her or your wife to be honest. You just went back to your wife so you wouldn't have to be alone. If anything you're the mentally unstable one.

 

Yes you should feel guilty but not about breaking up with the 21 year old. You should feel guilty for pretending to love your wife.

[highlandman]

She was worried that you would go back to your wife and you did. So I wouldn't say she's paranoid or anxious. She just had a gut feeling that was correct.

 

You sound selfish and confused. If you love your wife why are you still thinking about this 21 year old girl??

 

Why are you trying to make her sound like a paranoid crazy person when you did exactly what she was worried about you doing. I don't think you loved her or your wife to be honest. You just went back to your wife so you wouldn't have to be alone. If anything you're the mentally unstable one.

 

Yes you should feel guilty but not about breaking up with the 21 year old. You should feel guilty for pretending to love your wife.

 

You are very wrong I loved that girl with all my heart I was crazy about her, i had butterflies every day and was consumed by a love for her that I have never felt before.

 

I begged her to get help and I tried everything to make it work I blame myself for it not working as I was older. I think about her every single day and if I can still call remember the feeling of completeness when I kissed her.

 

I ended it then went back to my wife, not because I wanted to be with someone but because I love my wife too and want to make a go of it with her and be there properly for my children

 

You are right I probably am the mentally unstable one, I should have not kissed the girl for the first time and I shouldn't have split from my wife in the first place but I did all that and I can't change it

 

I punish myself every day for what I did to the girl my wife and my children but I still try and make sense of it to see where I have gone wrong, I haven't spooked to the girl since last October and she has moved away and has a new life I wouldn't have been able to give her the children she wanted I wouldn't have been able to cut off my own children to mean that I had no contact with my wife and I wouldn't have had any support as almost all my friends disapproved of the age gap relationships

 

So as per a previous poster I did her more harm than good, I think about her every day and hope and pray that whoever she is with now makes her smile and gives her the same butterflies she gave me

 

Thanks for all your comments, helpful to understand where I am at

[Vicky89]

How is this fair to your wife that you are still hung up on a girl half your age ?

 

What did your wife do to you to deserve this ?

 

Why are you "guilty" over breaking things off with this 21 year old ? Instead you should be guilty that you are obsessed with another woman while married to your wife the mother of your kids.

 

You still look up this girl on facebook, you struggle with contacting her and reaching out, and you still think about her all the time.

 

Just look at what you wrote on here recently.... actually... you wrote this TODAY

 

Hi,

 

How are you ? It's been such a long time and we both have moved on I think, but I still think about you, I don't miss the drama, but I do miss you making me feel special and the adventures we had together.

 

I know now it wasn't going to work, age gap, me not able to give you children, no support from families or work but I wish it had though, - and I know you do too. I think about contacting you sometimes, I even wonder if you see this post I have no idea what I'll say or what the next step would be but i do think about it.

 

We both had a lot of issues, mainly paranoia and a lack of trust, it's not for us to blame each other but just to recognise it so that however out futures turn out we maybe learn from it or if we ever meet again we're more prepared.

 

 

I will always love you, I will always be frustrated by your immaturity and I will always want only the best for you. I know I broke it off and I'm writing this now, and I know you hate me more than ever, but hopefully in time you can forgive me

 

 

 

How would your wife feel to know you are in love with someone else and will always love her and that it's a struggle for you to remain faithful and not reach out to this young girl that is young enough to be your daughter ?

 

I'm wondering if you love no one at all actually. You refer to this girl as the "21 year old" as if she has no other identity, you could make up a name for her, or refer to her as simply "my ex" but you don't, you always include the age gap, which is actually relevant in that, had this girl been in her 40's or 50's this would have meant nothing to you. You like her so much because someone young, attractive, someone with the world at her finger tips ( in your eyes) paid attention to you, and you are finding that ego boost very hard to let go and get over.

 

I don't care if say you 'love" your wife, you are doing her a huge disservice by staying with her when you are obsessed with someone else.

 

Why don't you tell your wife you are still hung up on the ex and see what advice she gives you ? I'm sure she'd know just what decision to make.