Five years together, he has doubts and we are going to counselling this week

[scaredpeanut]

Im scared and not sure whats happening

 

He is 7 years younger than me, we are both in our 30s. We have been together almost 5 years. Its been great, ups and downs. We have been living together for 4 years. The lease on our place is up and he says he is unsure if we should re-sign for another year.

 

Back in January after a fun weekend together he randomly breaks up with me, he was unsure what he wanted to do with his life (go back to school and other things, and felt starting from a 'clean slate' would help him, an ongoing theme that has come up before but not this level) this escalated quickly, he wrote a check for half our joint, I got very upset and defensive, I started looking for a place right away, he went to a buddies, we calmed down and made up a few days later. He said he was upset and confused and didn't know how to deal with this so he thought breaking up would be best, but that he was happier with me in his life.

We went to a counsel session, but never followed up (busy, scared, busy)

 

A week ago we had tiff while at a show, he really seemed he didn't want to be there, I had avoided buying tickets early as I didn't think he wanted to go, I would have understood had he just told me he didn't want to go. I got upset when he was obviously not having fun, we left and walked home (he wanted a cab, but I was upset and needed the walk, he refused to let me walk alone) All I wanted was for him to tell me he didn't want to go. He said he went because I wanted to . Normally this would be a silly after a few drinks thing, but with January, it seems to be lingering.

 

We have off and on talked about getting a house, he seems right into in, but then when he gets doubts, he shys away from talk and considers it 'pressure'

He has moved around alot, worked many different jobs, these last 3 years have been his most stable. He says somedays he loves me and never wants to let me go and other days he wants to run away and not be bothered by anyone, somedays hes wants to spend his life with me, others he wants his own place. He is confused with the break up in Jan is reluctant to sign for another year.

He works a busy job and our hours don't always match nicely, I know he needs some space and some "him" time, but we can't seem to get the groove on this, he thinks its silly for him to get the second bedroom as a 'man cave' to himself.

I love him and Im committed to us for the long haul, I don't share these doubts, but I also stress when he needs his space that at anytime he could just break it off again. I want to make plans and a future with him, counseling was his idea, we talked and both are on the page that its to strengthen the relationship. He says he needs to talk about he doubts, bounce ideas off a neutral party. I have never been so scared. I don't know what to do or think. After this next session we each have one booked on our own. Its a chance to talk about what we want/need/feel so they can help us be on the same page. But I am still so scared, I feel our relationship can get passed this, we do love eachother and have way more good times than bad, and I want him to have his needed alone time as that is important.

Im scared of his "not knowing how he feels", and Im scared that it scares him too.

[notalady]

It's not about how much you love each other or the strength of the relationship though, it's about him and what he wants. Nothing scarier than being with someone who doesn't know what they want, because you don't know where you stand either way, ever, as they constantly change their mind.

 

He seems to be the classic commitment phobe. They can't commit to staying but can't commit to leaving either, hence the back and forth, changing their minds every other day.

 

You said this is a recurring theme, so I'm sorry to say this but you had seen it coming all along, just chose to ignore it. It's only exacerbated now because everything is coming to a head, its decision making time, make a big commitment or not, and that has pushed him to react more strongly, but that fear and hesitation for commitment has always been there, just that he was never pushed to this point.

 

My suggestion? Cut your losses. Honestly, if you're in your 30s looking to settle down and have a family, you will likely not have that opportunity if you stay with this guy and waste more years as he swings back and forth at each point of further commitment. So even if you do buy a house together (terrible idea by the way if you're not married, just don't), he will pull this again when it's time for marriage, for having children etc.

 

Commitment phobes are huge risks to date, because of the uncertainty. You can't have a stable relationship with the risk of them running away hanging over you every day, you will never know for sure.

[scaredpeanut]

We don't want kids, and I don't think marriage is needed, I don't need a ring or a fancy day, I would like a house. But I am looking for a future, and it is hard when he doesnt know what he wants, but I have never felt this way before about anyone and I don't think I can just "cut my losses". I see counseling as a way for him to deal with his doubts and me my fears. Im not sure if he will ever truly know what he wants in life, his back and forth is more about career and school, but being in a relationship is also a factor in this. I know he doesnt get the downtime he needs sometimes, especially with his work and I think a big part of this is learning to manage a career and a relationship while still getting personal space. I have put my cards on the table, he knows what I want, the fear is the immediate unknown, we have signed several leases together, but he's still thinking about the breakup and the what-ifs, those are holding him back right now.

[lostlove76]

Hi. I thought the same thing as noyalady after reading your post - he sounds like a commitment-phobe. Dating these men is soul-destroying, as they are always throwing up road-blocks. You should read the book Men Who Can't Love, about commitment-phobia. It's very eye-opening. Sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar, in the sense that he was never all the way in, at least not consistently... and it just about killed me.

[Krankor]

I can't say for sure what's in his mind, but it sounds as if he's feeling trapped and smothered. He probably does love and care about you, but he got together with you while he was still pretty young and after five years he just sees a different path for his life, and that vision just keeps tugging at his sleeve. However, change is hard, change is scary, hurting someone you care about sucks, and he just hasn't pulled the trigger yet.

 

Unfortunately, his decision and feelings are out of your hands. I would do the counseling for now and see what comes of it, but ultimately I think you just need to back way off. Just get busy with your own stuff and stop trying to work on the relationship or get updates on what he's thinking or feeling. If he's asking for a little space, give him a lot. Ultimately, he'll have to decide which side of the fence he wants to be on.

 

But, if you get tired of being someone with one foot in and the other out, maybe it's time for you to pull the trigger yourself.

[scaredpeanut]

Thank you. I will put that on my to-read list for the next few weeks. I do hope therapy will help us, if not I will do the best I can with the long road that follows. Its hard to think that is the case as I see him as the one, I have friend-zoned many as they didn't have the qualities or connection I wanted and finding someone I could truly connect with makes this hard and scary.

[notalady]

I have put my cards on the table, he knows what I want,

 

People often mistakenly think because others know they want, by getting involved or sticking around they have automatically accepted that they will (or at least attempt to) meet what you want. That is often not the case.

 

If children isn't an issue for you and you feel like dealing with this issue with him, then go right ahead, therapy is of course a must, but the only way it will work is that he himself realise that he has commitment issues and want to work on changing that. Again, that is often not the case, people with commitment problems often refuse to recognise that fact (some do, but only after losing significant things and people in life).

 

I don't buy the whole he's juggling with study and career and relationship BS. Guess what, a lot of people juggle those things, I do mean A LOT. Sure they get stressed too, but the thought of ending the relationship doesn't even cross their minds, because honestly, I have no idea how that changes anything. Long term relationships are partnerships, the couple should be helping each other deal with life stresses and be there for each other, if anything, the relationship is often the safe haven from life stresses, you know, a place where you can actually feel relaxed around someone and not think about all that stuff going on outside. He wants to bail because he sees the relationship itself and see you as creating stress, that's ultimately what it is.

 

Needing space is also simple as saying "hey babe I'm going out / will be in the other room for a hike / run / play games / listen to music do whatever by myself for a while", without all this drama and certainly without the need to mention break up. A lot of people need personal space, some more than others, just ask a few people here, they need a lot of personal space. They communicate and work with their partners to get the space they want, not one person thought about breaking up. So again, I call BS on that.

 

So if you choose to continue the relationship, do realise that the uncertainty likely will always be around unless and until he can fully acknowledge his issues and work on it, voluntarily, not because you said so.

[scaredpeanut]

I would do the counseling for now and see what comes of it, but ultimately I think you just need to back way off. Just get busy with your own stuff and stop trying to work on the relationship or get updates on what he's thinking or feeling. If he's asking for a little space, give him a lot..

 

Well I can agree with this, I am hoping the counseling can give us some good tips on space, we do have our own hobbies but we also have a lot of similar hobbies. He is starting to take some days off work each month for him to do his own things, I am hoping it give us the balance he needs.

[melancholy123]

Counselling is a very good idea and hopefully it can help both of you sort things out. He does seem like he's a commitment-phobe and people like that are exhausting. Do the counselling, dont bail before you give that a good shot.

[scaredpeanut]

The counseling was his idea and he has said he needs to work out his issues, so there will be us counseling and he will do his own as well, which is a good first step. He needs better communication with me, we have discussed this and he knows he needs to work on telling me when he needs some alone time instead of not saying anything, we have a workshop in the spare room thats mainly his area but lately he hasnt worked on any projects.

He is currently not in school, the stress of juggling is the stress of him considering if he wants to go back and if so then what for. When he gets that uncertainty he dwells on it and if affects, well most things, this is one of the issues he wants to work on. (the whole "what do I want in life" conundrum)

I do know that uncertainty will probably always be there, and that is my burden if I choose to bare it, I am hoping we can gain tools to work with it in counseling.

[shessofly]

I really don't understand the commitment-phobe tag on this one. This sounds like a guy who settled down young and may be wondering what else is out there, perhaps feels this relationship isn't "the one" for him but is afraid to take the leap. Hopefully counseling will help you both sort some things out.

[chitown9]

I really don't understand the commitment-phobe tag on this one. This sounds like a guy who settled down young and may be wondering what else is out there, perhaps feels this relationship isn't "the one" for him but is afraid to take the leap. Hopefully counseling will help you both sort some things out.

 

This is a possibility, but....I too think he is a classic commitment phobe. Being on the other end of this type of man is asking for a world of trouble. Yes, he loves you, but the prevailing emotion is fear...fear of intimacy, which is what you represent. The natural reaction to fear is to run away from what is giving you the fear...and that is you. So...good luck with that one. You will ultimately get dumped if you cling to the idea that this can all work out and love conquers all. Been there, done that...and now sadder but wiser. chi

[1a1a]

Hnnnnng!! I dated this guy. And then I tried to date him again. Put a deadline on him not knowing what he wants (a month, 3 months, a year, if nothing changes how long will you stay?) You deserve to be with someone who has conviction that they want to be with you.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds it was too much, too soon and too young for him and you are at different life stages. You seem to be talking house buying, 'the one', a future, etc, and he's talking about doubts, running away, freedom and feeling pressured.

 

A man cave, a little space and therapy won't fix discrepancies this huge. Reluctant it a good description of his attitude toward the relationship. You seem to be pulling him along.

 

it seems you are smothering and mothering him because you are 'committed to the long haul', even though he's looking for an exit but doesn't know how to tell you that. is 7 years younger than me, we are both in our 30s. We have been living together for 4 years.

he thought breaking up would be best

he shys away from talk and considers it 'pressure'

he wants to run away and not be bothered by anyone,

he wants his own place.