My girlfriend cheated on me and I forgave her.

[joechill]

Firstly, we're both 16 and have only been dating for about 7 months, but I guess it could be raging hormones or something but we both love each other. We had a completely healthy relationship, along with lots of consensual sex. However I think she actually became a slight sex addict which could be one of the contributing factors to what happened. She wanted it more often than I did, and I'm a 16 year old guy.

 

We had a lot of similarities but a lot of differences on our views on certain things. She would sneak out at night and drink with a bunch of people every weekend. I hated that group and always thought it was the stupidest thing ever, I've never been a big fan of alcohol myself and sneaking out just seems stupid and immature. Anyway we had arguments about her doing that but I didn't want to control her or anything so I kept letting her do it. She kept doing stupid while she was out, smoking, spraying bathrooms with paint, stuff she would never do normally. She was massively insecure and I guess she snuck out and did these things for attention.

 

She also had a lot of guy friends, including one really sketchy kind of guy who she used to have friends with benefits with before me, lets call this guy Matt for the sake of the post. This guy is a complete and has only ever wanted her for sex, which she never gave him or anything. I told her this and she would argue with me about that too, she thought he was a decent guy. Sometimes I would bring up doubts which I think every person has about how trustworthy their partner is while drunk. She was extremely passionate about how trustworthy she is and how she is self-aware and would never do anything like that.

 

One month ago, I left her house at 9:30pm to go home, and said I'd come around her house early tomorrow morning and go surfing with her. She said that sounded great and that she'd go to bed soon. Then She sends me a snapchat at 11pm of her out her house walking somewhere. I asked her what she's doing and she said she's going to meet with Matt because he is leaving the school. I said thats a bad idea he's going to try and get you drunk and make a move on you. She said she doesn't think he will. I kept texting her until about 12:30am constantly trying to make sure I know what's happening, she stopped talking to me and I had a horrible feeling.

 

I fell asleep at about 12:45am. I woke up the next morning to about 3 minutes worth of snapchats from her. They were her crying and saying how she's just like all the other girls and is completely pathetic just snuck out to feel cool. Then she said she cheated on me and I was instantly terrified, maybe Matt made a move and she kissed him or something? Then she admitted to having sex with him. That morning was the worst moment of my life so far. She then had walked over to a cliff near her house and talked about committing suicide but luckily someone else who she had been sending them to was awake and forced her to go home.

 

I'm not going to recount the rest of the morning but basically I saw her and decided I don't want to break up with her and I will forgive her for her mistake because from what I could tell she is genuinely sorry. She told me everything about that night and exactly what had happened. There were several factors which made the act itself not as bad.

 

From her words, heres how the night went. She met with Matt and several of his friends and they started drinking, the whole time Matt is constantly trying to make a move and kiss her and asking over and over and over and she is saying no every time. Then her and Matt go off by themselves, both completely drunk, and he continues to try and make a move. She keeps pulling away, until one time she doesn't and he kisses her. He then immediately escalates it and pulls his out, begging for sex. She doesn't even respond before he pulls her pants down and they have unprotected sex during her fertile window. But Matt is premature and pulls out after about 9 seconds and comes. She then leaves and it sinks in on her what she has done. She then sends me and several of her friends those snapchats. I was right about every single thing that happened that night, drinking, controlling herself, Matt, everything.

 

Basically to quickly summarise, I forgave her because she was drunk (and I know thats not a valid excuse) and because he instigated the whole thing and the sex only lasted a few seconds, not much time for her to comprehend what was happening. If it was longer I wouldn't have forgave her as at some stage she would have realised what's happening and decided to do it anyway. Also because she told me straight away, if she had waited to tell me any longer I would have completely doubted the legitimacy of her sorriness. There were many other little details.

 

I told her that for this to work and for us to move on from this, she can't do stupid things like that anymore, I said no sneaking out, no talking to Matt or any guy who obviously wants to you, and most importantly no drinking. I hated saying that as I hate being controlling in any way but I was just being honest with her. However I knew the no drinking rule would cause problems as she seems to think that she needs it. We go to a party a week later and both stay sober the whole time, she hated it and found it boring. Then 2 weeks after she cheated on me, she asks me why she can't drink, and I say well because you got drunk and cheated on me, you can't be trusted when you're drunk. She argued with me about it saying that she knows now what it feels like to cheat on me and would never do it again and that somehow because of what she did she's more trustworthy when she's drunk. I know, that sounds completely stupid to me too, I told her how completely flawed that argument was and that she doesn't know what she's capable of and a few other arguments about it.

 

But that argument laid so much doubt in my mind, now I am completely conflicted all day. How can she be sorry if she wants to go and get drunk again? How can she be so ready to inflict more pain on me? Ever since I have been so conflicted and she has noticed that and asked why heaps of times. She has said she won't drink but she always puts it in a way to make me feel guilty for controlling her. Like if someone asks her why she can't drink she'll say "I'm not allowed" instead of something like "I cheated on my boyfriend when I was drunk I don't trust myself" (also, by the way everyone knows about it, I've lost a lot of friends who have judged me for my decision and only a few people have tried to talk to me about it, I just generally feel like nobody cares about me and I'm kind of lonely).

 

And this is where I am now, one month since it happened and more conflicted than I have ever been about anything. What do I do? Part of me knows that I should break up with her but I really don't want to. She makes me happy to be around and that's all that's important isn't it? Doesn't matter what mistakes she's made? I need help, I'm only 16 and this is my first serious relationship and this has happened to me. Both my parents know and have given me good advice but I need more. If anyone could help me out and just give me some advice on how to move forward or what I should do, I'm open to it.

 

Thanks and sorry for the long post.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she's a rebel without a cause. Whatever has shock value will be on today's menu. She's in a 'rules were made to be broken' phase.

 

If you pull the reins tight she'll rebel more. All you can do is guard yourself and pull back or get out.

 

You may want to end it and let her go through this nonsense alone. Date other healthier girls. You sound incompatible anyway.

[Iggy5129]

Well he pretty much raped her from what it sounds like. And she has a drinking problem that needs to be deal with. Drinking that much at age 16 indicates serious problems. I understand why you forgave her but I wouldn't necessarily call this cheating. She was in no position to consent to this sex and did not want it. Unless she's lying then this was rape.

 

She needs therapy to deal with being sexually assaulted and her drinking issues.

[joechill]

yeah from this story it sounds like we're incompatible, but in every other way aside from this rebellious i feel like we're pretty compatible. Only problem is thats a big part of her and I don't think it will change. Thanks though, blunt answers can sometimes be the best ones since they put some sense into you. sometimes I feel completely stupid for thinking this hard about a 7 month teenage relationship.

[joechill]

the laws of consent are pretty screwed up, they were both drunk so technically they both raped each other. she consented, he didn't force her to do anything and she could have easily stopped it, all he did was ask over and over again. she hasn't acted like it was rape and I don't think she's embarrassed or anything I just think she knows better.

[Jibralta]

Frankly, if I were in her shoes, I would feel repulsed by alcohol. And the fact that she is not indicates that she has a problem with alcohol. This is not something that you (or anyone else) can help her with.

 

I think that your girlfriend should be a little more serious about this, frankly. I know she is capable of it, even at 16, because I was capable of it at 15. When I was 15, I snuck out to be with some male friends, unbeknownst to my then-boyfriend. I didn't cheat on him. But I did smoke pot, which was something he had asked me not to do. The pot turned out to be laced with angel dust. I felt so guilty about going out behind his back and getting high like that. I told him about it the next day, and I swore off pot (and cigarettes) for the rest of our relationship.

[joechill]

I don't think she has a problem with alcohol, more of a social need, she wants to fit in and has said several times about drinking "Its just what teenagers do". She smoked a few cigarettes before when she was sneaking out and I made her swear off them, this happened 3 times since she kept doing it. Thanks for your reply, anything helps.

[melancholy123]

She sounds like a rebellious, out of control teenager. At 16 she should not be drinking never mind getting drunk. I think you need a new girlfriend who is normal.

[joechill]

shes not normal, most of the other girls are way worse. normal these days is way worse than how my girlfriend is

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't matter. She's too immature for you and acting out. You are trying to parent and control her. Never works, kills attraction. You already see that, no?

shes not normal, most of the other girls are way worse. normal these days is way worse than how my girlfriend is

[MissCanuck]

It's already over, OP.

 

Look, she is a rebellious, immature, angsty teen. You two won't be together forever; why prolong what's already a rocky relationship? She is going to go out and party again, and will likely do several more things you aren't comfortable with. You can set rules all you want but she isn't going to comply - she's already pushing back against you. I can nearly guarantee this will repeat itself, which is why I say this relationship has run its course. You two live two very different lifestyles, which does make you incompatible.

 

You are too mature for her. She isn't ready for a relationship. What she told about her infidelity may not be the full truth either; cheaters almost always give the "sanitized" version. As such, I would advise you to get yourself tested if you're also having unprotected sex with her.