D1mps Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I have been best friends with a man (both in our 40's) for 4 years now and this last year, saw us start a relationship. I was close to his children and we had an amazing connection, but it all took a horrible turn. He was unhappily married when we met (I was only a friend at this point) and I saw him through his divorce and supported him with his struggles that followed after this and ever since. We spoke several times per day, every day, up until January this year and as I got to know my friend better, it soon became apparent that there was a problem with him remaining faithful throughout most of his dating/married life. Despite him pursuing me and a growing attraction, I knew a relationship with him would be a huge risk, so I maintained my distance a few months more... That was up until May last year when I suffered a lot of loss and emotional strain in my life. He stepped in and assured me he had fallen in love with me and offered his support and suggested we try a relationship. He sent me meaningful letters and a token of his esteem during this period and we kept a very open and honest communication. Around 2 months into the relationship, we discovered the "issue" he had been grappling with, was in fact sex addiction. It made me afraid and insecure and when we were apart (we lived 3.5hrs away from each other), I would ask for reassurance that he remained straight, but this was alien for me as I had NEVER felt the need to do this in any previous relationships. He said this made him feel a little stifled, but everyone agreed my worries were justified and I was not asking too much under the circumstances. He never introduced me to his friends, or told anyone about the relationship (less one or two friends and even then I don't think he was honest about the friendship timeline prior), so I didn't feel we were validated. So How is a woman meant to feel secure and confident in such a difficult situation I ask? Yet He used my reaction as a reason to blame his "wall" on me. He overdosed on porn to stay faithful (horrendous I know), this made him intimately (at times) and emotionally distant. I encouraged recovery and offered all my help and support. I even joined a group myself in a bid to further understand the condition, I spent money and time on books and listened when he needed, but he said he took my guidance and encouragement as criticism and started thinking "what's the point" and got disheartened, despite my constant support and praise for his successful attempts to maintain recovery. He claims that eventually, he built an emotional wall up that shut me out and He finally confessed in January (on my birthday), that he didn't love me anymore and shattered my world. We agreed to talk about things again in February (near Valentine's Day) and spent a few days together with his children, but he said he still felt the wall was there and he was confused about his feelings. I was devastated, but I struggled through the rest of the visit in a bid to ensure his children had an enjoyable time. I figured this was a beautiful gift to give if it would be the last time I would indeed see them... But It was torture!!!!!! My ex asked for time to work on himself and for us to go back to friendship to try and reconnect. I agreed but needed to talk about a plan, but he suppressed me being able to express myself and insisted we only talk about fun and trivial things in a bid to "help him reignite his feelings"... I was incredibly frustrated! How selfish. Eventually, I managed to get him to regular SAA meetings, but his communication with me began to get less and less and he showed no empathy for the emotional distress he'd caused whatsoever. He started manipulating me, getting into my head, saying one thing then showing the opposite in his actions. He was suddenly emotionally curt and callous. He rejected me and every solution I approached him with and refused to talk face to face, or even on the phone like an adult, locking me down in text for many weeks. I begged that if we couldn't save the relationship, at least save the friendship, as this was always the most important thing, but he had already started making new friends and moved on. He literally replaces every trace of time he used to share with me, elsewhere. I was distraught I was losing him and he said although he wanted to give me the time he did before, he couldn't now. I asked if another was involved but he strongly denies this, saying our situation put him off. This was a man who was consistent with me every day for 4yrs!!! I just couldn't understand it and I eventually had a breakdown a few weeks ago. A friend scooped me up and got me to seek medical care and I am now in therapy and relying on antidepressants to get me through each day. He still text me every day, a harsh reminder for everything that was gone, but refused to listen to anything about how he had made me feel and what we had. My friends are all furious and disgusted, yet I told them, we have to forgive him and only be angry at the illness. He said it wasnt just sex addiction causing the wall, but he feels he has something else causing a lack of consideration and care for my feelings... Then he asked me to stick around while he tried to be my friend and repair it... That was the final straw. I don't know this man anymore. I went no contact last week and even as I said goodbye, he played the game by saying he would continue to work on himself and come back if he achieves any recovery, or if I can accept a friendship when my feelings have subsided, we can have a healthier friendship... My head and emotions are in a tug-of-war of good -vs- evil! I don't know what was real anymore. What would you do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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