You killed the light in my eyes.

[D1mps]

I have been best friends with a man (both in our 40's) for 4 years now and this last year, saw us start a relationship. I was close to his children and we had an amazing connection, but it all took a horrible turn.

He was unhappily married when we met (I was only a friend at this point) and I saw him through his divorce and supported him with his struggles that followed after this and ever since.

We spoke several times per day, every day, up until January this year and as I got to know my friend better, it soon became apparent that there was a problem with him remaining faithful throughout most of his dating/married life. Despite him pursuing me and a growing attraction, I knew a relationship with him would be a huge risk, so I maintained my distance a few months more...

That was up until May last year when I suffered a lot of loss and emotional strain in my life. He stepped in and assured me he had fallen in love with me and offered his support and suggested we try a relationship. He sent me meaningful letters and a token of his esteem during this period and we kept a very open and honest communication. Around 2 months into the relationship, we discovered the "issue" he had been grappling with, was in fact sex addiction. It made me afraid and insecure and when we were apart (we lived 3.5hrs away from each other), I would ask for reassurance that he remained straight, but this was alien for me as I had NEVER felt the need to do this in any previous relationships. He said this made him feel a little stifled, but everyone agreed my worries were justified and I was not asking too much under the circumstances.

He never introduced me to his friends, or told anyone about the relationship (less one or two friends and even then I don't think he was honest about the friendship timeline prior), so I didn't feel we were validated. So How is a woman meant to feel secure and confident in such a difficult situation I ask? Yet He used my reaction as a reason to blame his "wall" on me.

He overdosed on porn to stay faithful (horrendous I know), this made him intimately (at times) and emotionally distant. I encouraged recovery and offered all my help and support. I even joined a group myself in a bid to further understand the condition, I spent money and time on books and listened when he needed, but he said he took my guidance and encouragement as criticism and started thinking "what's the point" and got disheartened, despite my constant support and praise for his successful attempts to maintain recovery. He claims that eventually, he built an emotional wall up that shut me out and He finally confessed in January (on my birthday), that he didn't love me anymore and shattered my world. We agreed to talk about things again in February (near Valentine's Day) and spent a few days together with his children, but he said he still felt the wall was there and he was confused about his feelings. I was devastated, but I struggled through the rest of the visit in a bid to ensure his children had an enjoyable time. I figured this was a beautiful gift to give if it would be the last time I would indeed see them... But It was torture!!!!!!

My ex asked for time to work on himself and for us to go back to friendship to try and reconnect. I agreed but needed to talk about a plan, but he suppressed me being able to express myself and insisted we only talk about fun and trivial things in a bid to "help him reignite his feelings"... I was incredibly frustrated! How selfish.

Eventually, I managed to get him to regular SAA meetings, but his communication with me began to get less and less and he showed no empathy for the emotional distress he'd caused whatsoever.

He started manipulating me, getting into my head, saying one thing then showing the opposite in his actions. He was suddenly emotionally curt and callous. He rejected me and every solution I approached him with and refused to talk face to face, or even on the phone like an adult, locking me down in text for many weeks. I begged that if we couldn't save the relationship, at least save the friendship, as this was always the most important thing, but he had already started making new friends and moved on. He literally replaces every trace of time he used to share with me, elsewhere.

I was distraught I was losing him and he said although he wanted to give me the time he did before, he couldn't now. I asked if another was involved but he strongly denies this, saying our situation put him off. This was a man who was consistent with me every day for 4yrs!!! I just couldn't understand it and I eventually had a breakdown a few weeks ago. A friend scooped me up and got me to seek medical care and I am now in therapy and relying on antidepressants to get me through each day.

He still text me every day, a harsh reminder for everything that was gone, but refused to listen to anything about how he had made me feel and what we had. My friends are all furious and disgusted, yet I told them, we have to forgive him and only be angry at the illness.

He said it wasnt just sex addiction causing the wall, but he feels he has something else causing a lack of consideration and care for my feelings... Then he asked me to stick around while he tried to be my friend and repair it... That was the final straw. I don't know this man anymore.

I went no contact last week and even as I said goodbye, he played the game by saying he would continue to work on himself and come back if he achieves any recovery, or if I can accept a friendship when my feelings have subsided, we can have a healthier friendship...

My head and emotions are in a tug-of-war of good -vs- evil! I don't know what was real anymore.

 

What would you do?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing walking away. It sounds like he's fooling himself and others. He's too deceitful to ever be in a healthy situation.

[SherrySher]

what would I do? Get the hell away from him before he destroys completely. You are already on anti depressants and in therapy because of this man.

 

Save yourself and get away from him and stay away this time.

[RomansEmpire]

"...yet I told them, we have to forgive him and only be angry at the illness..."

 

No you don't have to forgive him, not until you are ready. Illness or not he does not get to blame his behavior and treatment of you on his addiction. He is responsible for every decision he has made. Your pain is real, your concerns are valid, you have every right to be angry at him. He will have to be willing to hear all of that before you two could ever consider being friends again; if you decide you still want that.

[D1mps]

There's so much more to the story, the breakdown turned out to be PTSD, brought on by the shock and emotional stress.

He's like a chameleon. Adapts to all backgrounds.

 

When I left and went NC, my friend told me how he had it already started adding new women to his social media, claiming it was innocent...

How is that working on himself? I feel so disheartened for all the hard work I gave and we put in.

My friend wants to mail these women and warn them what they're dealing with, but I told her we would only end up looking like the mentally sick ones in the process.

 

I wish I could wake up tomorrow, And this horror and pain would be gone. I'm so confused as I truly don't know who I was best friends with for the past 4yrs.

And for all my effort, I got nothing but an "au revoir".

He was stone cold.

[Wiseman2]

More like a leopard that doesn't change it's spots. Always on the prowl.

he's like a chameleon.

[SherrySher]

You invested your time and feelings into the very wrong person. He was manipulative and deceptive and extremely selfish.

You can heal from it, you can stop allowing him to damage you even more, but only YOU can make that choice.

It does not matter now how he is or the awful things he does or chooses to do, what matters now is if YOU are going to run back to it and let it ruin you even more or not.

[Annia]

"...yet I told them, we have to forgive him and only be angry at the illness..."

 

You can forgive him when you feel ready, though he has the responsibility for his actions and you should keep that in mind. However, even if you forgive, it doesn't mean that you should have this person in your life. Forgiving is also seeing things for what they are and moving on, letting go of what damages us.

[Matt3939]

Though I don't always agree to go with a friend's perspective and every story has two sides. Sometimes it's good to get an outside view of things and listen. Hopefully lesson learned be strong with the NC. Good luck

[ParisPaulette]

I would do again what I had to do when I left an ex who was not faithful, not honest, but very very very good at playing the whole victim card and whoa is me and I am ill - fill in the excuse and manipulating everyone around himself including me.

 

I admitted to myself it didn't matter what he was or wasn't, because he was toxic to me and to others in my observation of how he treated others around him. And I then had to admit that I had chosen to overlook clear red flags, to try and excuse his behaviors, because otherwise what did it say about me choosing to stay involved with such a person? So I then decided to find out why I was the kind of person who would involve myself with such people as my ex, saw a therapist, did a major purge of anyone toxic in my life, and decided I didn't care anymore what their "reasons" were for any of it - only what my reasons were for having tolerated it all in the first place or allowed myself to become a party to other people's toxicity.

 

That meant I blocked and deleted people. I refused to answer them when they tried to reach out to me. When I ran into someone new and recognized red flags of a similar sort they also got shown to the door. And over time I found as I got saner and saner, no longer embroiled in other people's drama I started to attract a saner type of people into my life. And I found I quite enjoyed consistency, people who were just good without having to brag about it, people who didn't do things that I would not myself do to others. I stopped making excuses of others and I stopped making excuses of myself.

 

And then I learned to forgive myself for ever having put myself in the path of these people to begin with. Forgiveness for others came after that, but that just means I harbor no anger to them, not that they are ever allowed back in my life. Because I do not allow people who are toxic to take up my life in any way, shape or form. It's their job to fix their own issues, if they ever will. Suggest you do the same.

[Annia]

Besides this man is extremely selfish with low empathy and consideration for you. This is not the disease, this is him. I wouldn't try to salvage the relationship because he's not your friend... he is too self centered to be a friend. And I'm not saying this because he left you. He has the right of not wanting a relationship, however, it's too low to blame you and never taking responsibility (this shows he's not willing to change) and not letting you move on and recover by keeping you near as a friend so that he can have you when necessary when he knows you're in pain. A good person would respect your need to heal and move on and would leave you alone.

 

I'd continue No Contact, even going to the lengths of blocking. He has his friends and his issues to deal with alone and you need to take care of yourself now. Continue therapy and do everything you can to stay mentally and physically healthy. He's toxic and it's no good to try to come back to a man that made you have a breakdown and take antidepressants so you should forget about being friends with him and focus on your previous healthy friendships.

[D1mps]

Thank you so much for the responses.

It really makes me feel relieved when I can see people agree that I'm right for thinking this was all wrong.

I've spent weeks without a voice (except in therapy sessions) And was afraid to tell friends, so it's so good to finally get some of this out.

 

The hard part is accepting the possibility that my life for the past few years has possibly been one big lie.

I believed there was good inside him, I saw it for a lengthy period and fell in love, but Now I'm more inclined to think it was a hunter/prey situation. And as soon as I let that guard down... His interest disappeared.

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully you realize that porn and sex addiction are not listed as psychiatric diagnoses, right? That behavior is usually symptoms of a bigger picture, mood or anxiety or personality issues, etc..

 

Sometimes cheaters who may or may not have a bunch of personality disorders claim to have a sex addiction to shift the focus on their 'disease' and garner sympathy rather than wrath. Worked great as damage control for several high profile politicians and celebrities.

He overdosed on porn to stay faithful (horrendous I know), this made him intimately (at times) and emotionally distant. I encouraged recovery and offered all my help and support. I even joined a group myself in a bid to further understand the condition, I spent money and time on books

[D1mps]

Yes! I'm aware and learning more every week about the whole SA topic. I even question the SAA fellowship approach to recovery, but that's another topic for another time.

 

When I said goodbye, my ex confessed that he knew it wasn't just addiction he was fighting with. He explained none of the other addicts he'd met, had this "wall", or 'lack of feeling' trait, so even he knows himself it's something deeper. I asked him to go to a real therapist, but he's been stalling. Possibly afraid to face himself. Who knows.

 

I'm just overwhelmed by it all and trying to digest everything. I really haven't even skimmed the surface of it here, but I'm happy members can still offer sound advice.

[Wiseman2]

Quack therapy won't cure a quack diagnosis even though that would somehow seem to make sense.

I even question the SAA fellowship approach to recovery, but that's another topic for another time.

I asked him to go to scream therapist, but he's been stalling. Possibly afraid to face himself

[D1mps]

Thank you for your reply, it sounds like you've had quite the journey too.

 

As I say, I managed to keep him at a distance for quite some years as I knew he was bad for me, but life got tough and I got vulnerable with it and he got in.

I know exactly where I went wrong and I'm learning therapy is a positive tool, however, I agree that being kind and giving, often confuses certain people's understanding of anothers boundaries!!

 

I'll learn and be sure to never let this happen again.

It's the pain of losing the friendship that really hurt, but as members have said, he wasn't my friend at all.

[D1mps]

Wiseman2, I really have heard all kinds of stories from groups etc. I agree it's all just multiple disorders under the guise of SA.

[Annia]

Thank you so much for the responses.

It really makes me feel relieved when I can see people agree that I'm right for thinking this was all wrong.

I've spent weeks without a voice (except in therapy sessions) And was afraid to tell friends, so it's so good to finally get some of this out.

 

The hard part is accepting the possibility that my life for the past few years has possibly been one big lie.

I believed there was good inside him, I saw it for a lengthy period and fell in love, but Now I'm more inclined to think it was a hunter/prey situation. And as soon as I let that guard down... His interest disappeared.

 

It doesn't necessary mean that his feelings or everything was a lie. This just means that this person is not good for you. There are two scenarios:

 

- It was a lie and he never felt what he said he felt - you absolutely need to move on

- It was true and there was a honest good part in him- you absolutely need to move on, because if this is the way this man loves another person, lets just not imagine how he is when he doesn't love.

 

I know it's hard to detach... I was in a very abusive relationship where I also gave my whole for this man for years. And even with all that and knowing that he was absolutely toxic, it was still hard to let go and decide to totally break up and detach, even though I knew he had lied and done awful things to me. I can totally understand and relate.

 

But now I look at me and even though I still have old wounds I'm dealing with, it was the best decision I made in my life. In time you'll realize that by deleting him from your life you saved your life. You seem to have a very kind heart and I know you wanted him to change and reach his full potential, but by being in his life being destroyed by him you were not only delaying his breaking point of absolute need to change if he ever gets to do so (most people only change when the pain is bigger than the fear of change) but destroying yourself in the process.

 

People like him only change through great self awareness (something they usually lack) and extensive therapy and effort. It takes time. And if you stand there waiting for them to change you're doing at the expense of many years of your life and your mental and physical health.

[D1mps]

I tormented myself about walking away because I didn't want to leave him alone. I was one of only two people who knew and was challenging him to get help. He said he needed that from me, but when I realised he didn't even need me and said his "wall" caused a lack of feelings for me, I quickly started to pick up my pace and wanted to run! Those words... Next to "I don't love you anymore", were the most painful of all to hear. I still cannot get my head around how he can say it after all I've done for him. My brain just can't rationalise with his irrational mind.

 

I just pray for the days when I'm not having bad dreams about him, can stop taking pills and paying therapy fees to cope with the pain and hopefully heal so there's no residual mess spilling into my life after this chapter is finally closed.

 

He's blocked on all my social media now and yes! It is incredibly hard to talk away, I desperately want him well so he is able to be in a relationship and feel what love is.

I wish for him to be loved one day.

He says he doesn't believe he's experienced it yet, but I'm positive this is caused by him blocking the potential partners out when he starts to feel he's in too deep and could get hurt. I feel sad for him and just want him well. But you're right, all of it has to come from him and I know he expressed a huge will to change and started taking the necessary steps... But Psychology is what he needs and I can only hope he will welcome that into his life.

 

He did have good points or I would never have fallen, but I'm just unsure how much of it was real. Now he's already seeking someone else...

 

I'm very confused and sad.

[D1mps]

I think the way he kicked the sh*t over me for a bunch of new friends in a RPG game, was low too. Blow after blow, rejection after rejection I took.

Years of friendship just disregarded and tossed to one side when he decided that avoidance and running away, was easier than facing his mess. Such cowardice!

 

They say addicts have to hit "rock bottom" before a change comes... You'd think losing his home, wife and having limited access to his kids would have achieved this?

Clearly not.

 

He only cares about whatever serves his purpose at any one time. I think I believe that now.

[SherrySher]

"They say addicts have to hit "rock bottom" before a change comes..."

 

You continuing to run back to him is also a type of addiction. You are close to hitting rock bottom as well with what he has done to you and how he has treated you.

 

Will it be enough for you to finally get away and stay away and save yourself??

[D1mps]

Hello, thanks for your post.

 

I don't think I've continued to go backwards as this is actually the first clean break I have made, but yes, my posing question was more Do I go back to a friendship (not a relationship) if he is actively seeking and recovering from his issues and of course, I would also have to be able to handle that. But I see from all members who have replied so far, it's a resounding "No"! And best I move on.

 

He is blocked from all my social media etc. I am doing my best each day to recover and detach, but it's not easy and it's the first week of NC and I'm still sitting on my hands trying not to reach out. Mainly because I want him to get well and I'm concerned he's about to do this to another woman.

 

I realise I can't save the world, or be the lone 'fighter for the sisterhood', I'm just in pain. I understand this situation is bad which is why I left, I just miss who I thought was my best friend to very much.

It's early days here for me and my brain is still trying to digest everything...

Either way I was struggling because I was still in love with the good I'd witnessed.

[ShatteredMan]

D1mps: As someone who is just recovering from a breakup (and allowed that breakup to ruin my life), I highly recommend seeing a professional therapist to talk about this situation, your feelings and steps foward.

 

It not only helped me through what I was dealing with, but also enabled me to deal with other issues that have been problems for me throughout my life. As I began to recover, the therapy shifted in focus from the aftereffects of the breakup to what were things that shaped how I think, feel, react to certain situations and why. Its led to massive improvements in my life and I'm sure that it will for anyone who is in this kind of pain.

 

If your healthcare provider will cover the cost or provide the services, please take advantage of them.

 

As I've said in other posts, disable your social media accounts. Your life will go on without FB, Snapchat, etc.

[D1mps]

Hello and thank you for the post and advice.

 

I began to see a therapist as soon as I realised the extent of the sex addiction and how it was impacting my life. It was then I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of the damage. This man was kept at arms length as a friend for years because I knew he was not relationship material, but later in the friendship, some events lead to my own vulnerability and being the master manipulator that he is, he saw his chance and got in under the guise of the knight in shining armour seeking help and swearing recovery.

I understand perfectly what has happened, but I can't deny the mental struggle to digest the separation from the good man vs the troubled man, or the amazing times I felt like a queen beside her soulmate and the awful times as his subject.

How can a person can be so callous, cold and detached? Well, I'm learning, through being mentally broken and sick,bthat anything is possible.

 

This is all just so alien to me as I am so opposite to this mentality and behaviour.

It will take me a time to unpick all of the damage before I feel better. Even today, I sat at home crying, feeling some kind of loss and confusion for how someone could be so invested one moment, then rip everything from under you the next and say they feel nothing for a woman who stood by his major life struggles for years as an unfaltering, loyal and honest best friend.

 

In the end, it was all one sided and I was getting nothing from sticking around, which he asked me to do after the relationship failed.

Even that act in itself is cruel as he knew what kind of pain I was in. He refused to acknowledge any of it, or allow me a voice to express myself. Everything had to be fun and fantasy, avoidance and escapism.

 

Just awful. I feel devastated.