Ex-Girlfriend is Engaged

[LovesMusic]

Hello,

 

I just found out that my first girlfriend is engaged and I have been thrown back by it all. We dated for 5 years and we broke up about 5 years ago as well. She left me because at the time we weren't happy. We were each other's firsts for everything and being together at such a young age there were many inevitable mistakes. When she left me I tried everything to get her back but with no success. I decided to get my life together and fix all the things about myself that I felt led us to our break up. I didn't want to be someone that let down those who love him. I have made quite a success out of myself since then and I am blessed and lucky to have been able to do so much for myself during this time period. I have met another girl and for the most part I am happy but I have always felt like my ex girlfriend has always had a piece of my heart that I could never put back. I am open with the girl I am with now about how I felt about my ex and she understands that there are special people in your life as she has some too.

 

My ex started dating one of her good friend's long-term boyfriends about 1.5 years ago and when I found out about that I was really disappointed with her decisions but I figured it wouldn't last because of how wrong it seemed to be. I never wished bad on her but I always had this gut feeling that her and I would end up together in some way. It took me a long time to stop pining for her and to feel comfortable dating other people and moving on and I left her alone. I haven't spoken to her in a little over 2 years and when we see each other out we act like we don't and make a quick exit. I know in my heart this girl loves me and I'm sure she is in love with the guy she is engaged to but I also know for a fact this guy does not love her like I do. I have a tremendous feeling that this is a huge mistake, albeit hers to make.

 

I am not going to contact her or express these feelings to her. We are not even on speaking terms to where we could appropriately be friends or where I could congratulate her. I feel like I am loosing my friend for good this time and I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this. My mind is set on a life without her but I just can not stop feeling like we are going to be together. It's not a voluntary feeling and it's horrible to feel like someone you care about is making a disastrous mistake and you not being able to do anything about it. I have tried to rationalize this feeling away but it just won't go away.

[Wiseman2]

It usually stings somewhat when an old flames gets married, etc. However you are in a new relationship so that is the focus, no?

 

Only therapy can help you sort out obsessions like this and move forward. It could indicate an underlying problem like depression, OCD/anxiety etc.

 

"Obsessive love is a condition in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom one feels a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection. Although not categorized specifically under any specific mental diagnosis by the DSM-5, some people argue that obsessive love is considered to be a mental illness similar to attachment disorder, borderline personality disorder, and erotomania. They may be entirely convinced that their feelings are love, and may reject the idea that their severe obsession is not love. Obsessive love can begin at first sight and may persist indefinitely, requiring psychotherapy."

[hyden]

I am open with the girl I am with now about how I felt about my ex and she understands that there are special people in your life as she has some too.

 

This is typically a relationship killer.

 

My ex started dating one of her good friend's long-term boyfriends about 1.5 years ago and when I found out about that I was really disappointed with her decisions but I figured it wouldn't last because of how wrong it seemed to be.

 

Be honest with yourself, you weren't judging how it went down, you were judging her because she wasn't with you.

 

I never wished bad on her but I always had this gut feeling that her and I would end up together in some way.

 

Evidence for what I typed above.

 

It took me a long time to stop pining for her and to feel comfortable dating other people and moving on...

 

You have never stopped pining for her, nor moved on.

 

I have a tremendous feeling that this is a huge mistake, albeit hers to make.

 

That feeling? That's jealousy.

 

Your ex appears to be over you and living her life. You are instead discussing with your current gf, your infatuation with your ex-gf. Does that sound healthy? Personally, I think you should end your relationship and seek counseling to help you get over your ex and start living your life before you start dating again. Good luck.

[Krankor]

It sounds as if when you broke up all those years ago, in order to cope with the pain, you sold yourself a few fantasies: "This isn't real. Someday, somehow she and I will end up back together. We have a love that cannot be denied and it will lead us back together."

 

And now you are still engaging in this quasi-magical thinking: "This is a mistake. He can't love her the way I do. There's no way."

 

Dude, you absolutely cannot know that. Life isn't a fairy tale. It isn't a romantic comedy. Not to be harsh, but let this be a cold, hard slap of reality. You're a grown man now; let go of the fantasy.

 

I know you say you've tried to rationalize this to no avail, but you have to keep telling yourself the truth until you accept it.

 

And I'd offer this perspective; FINALLY you are able to give your poor arm and shoulder a rest. They've been carrying a torch for this girl for five years, and that's long enough. FINALLY you can fully put this behind you.

 

Go get your girlfriend a little present today. It doesn't have to be too fancy. Then take her out when you are both available. Do this to appreciate the real woman who is with you.

 

Sometimes you can't fully help the thoughts you have, but commit yourself to moving forward with what sounds like is shaping up to be a good life, and she'll fade into the memory bin in time.

[MissCanuck]

I hate to break it to you, but if you broke up 5 years ago and she never came back, hasn't spoken to you in 2 years and is now marrying someone else - she doesn't love you anymore.

 

You're not going to be together someday. And you're in no position to determine if she's making a huge mistake. That's your broken heart and some jealousy speaking.

 

It's time for you to be honest with yourself and your girlfriend that you are not over your ex. It's not a good sign that you discuss your fondness for your ex with your current girlfriend, and I sense your current one doesn't really know how deeply you feel. I doubt she'd be comfortable with this level of sadness and regret. I think you should probably talk to someone (ie. a good counselor) about what's brewing in your mind. To feel this bummed 5 years later and while in a new relationship strongly suggests you've not moved on and need some much more effective coping strategies.

[LovesMusic]

It usually stings somewhat when an old flames gets married, etc. However you are in a new relationship so that is the focus, no?

 

Only therapy can help you sort out obsessions like this and move forward. It could indicate an underlying problem like depression, OCD/anxiety etc.

 

"Obsessive love is a condition in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom one feels a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection. Although not categorized specifically under any specific mental diagnosis by the DSM-5, some people argue that obsessive love is considered to be a mental illness similar to attachment disorder, borderline personality disorder, and erotomania. They may be entirely convinced that their feelings are love, and may reject the idea that their severe obsession is not love. Obsessive love can begin at first sight and may persist indefinitely, requiring psychotherapy."

 

 

I am not going to discount your opinion. I have thought about therapy in the past. My only point of disagreement is that my feelings aren't rooted in a made-up opinion. I am friends or at least friendly with all of my other ex girlfriends. This particular ex girlfriend was obsessive over me at one point and we made in detail plans for our futures together at one point in time as well. The last time I spoke to her she said that we couldn't be friends because of her feelings for me and also stated that if we were friends I would just make her fall in love with me again and then go back to the way I was. It's my opinion that we practice avoidance with each other rather than either of us truly moving on emotionally. My thoughts aren't intrusive and I don't compulsively think about her. This feeling was precipitated by finding out she was engaged. Prior to this she crossed my mind here and there but I never obsessively thought about her nor do I think I am now. I know in a few days the shock will resolve. Again, I'm not discounting your opinion but I honestly think there is a slight difference between obsession and feeling down because someone you used to have plans for a life with is starting one with someone else. It's analogous to, albeit lesser than, an ex-husband finding out his ex-wife is getting remarried.

[LovesMusic]

This is typically a relationship killer.

 

 

 

Be honest with yourself, you weren't judging how it went down, you were judging her because she wasn't with you.

 

 

 

Evidence for what I typed above.

 

 

 

You have never stopped pining for her, nor moved on.

 

 

 

That feeling? That's jealousy.

 

Your ex appears to be over you and living her life. You are instead discussing with your current gf, your infatuation with your ex-gf. Does that sound healthy? Personally, I think you should end your relationship and seek counseling to help you get over your ex and start living your life before you start dating again. Good luck.

 

I am being honest about how it went down. I find it wrong to date your best friends ex boyfriend. If she was marrying someone else I would feel this same shock but I would have respect for finding someone new. Perhaps I never stopped pining for her or maybe you're right that I never moved on button my defense I haven't had thoughts like this until I found out she was engaged. I probably am jealous and maybe that stems from some sort of unhappiness in my current relationship but given the chance between staying or leaving my current girlfriend to be with my ex girlfriend I would whole heartedly stay with my current girlfriend. I love her and I feel we have a closer chemistry than my ex girlfriend. I was hoping my feeling down would be more centered on the feelings I am feeling rather than painting it like a burden I carry with my day in and day out, which is just not true.

[LovesMusic]

It sounds as if when you broke up all those years ago, in order to cope with the pain, you sold yourself a few fantasies: "This isn't real. Someday, somehow she and I will end up back together. We have a love that cannot be denied and it will lead us back together."

 

And now you are still engaging in this quasi-magical thinking: "This is a mistake. He can't love her the way I do. There's no way."

 

Dude, you absolutely cannot know that. Life isn't a fairy tale. It isn't a romantic comedy. Not to be harsh, but let this be a cold, hard slap of reality. You're a grown man now; let go of the fantasy.

 

I know you say you've tried to rationalize this to no avail, but you have to keep telling yourself the truth until you accept it.

 

And I'd offer this perspective; FINALLY you are able to give your poor arm and shoulder a rest. They've been carrying a torch for this girl for five years, and that's long enough. FINALLY you can fully put this behind you.

 

Go get your girlfriend a little present today. It doesn't have to be too fancy. Then take her out when you are both available. Do this to appreciate the real woman who is with you.

 

Sometimes you can't fully help the thoughts you have, but commit yourself to moving forward with what sounds like is shaping up to be a good life, and she'll fade into the memory bin in time.

 

Thank you for this. This was very helpful. I feel like I tend to not appropriately focus on things in the now and you are right about that. I do feel like she was in the 'memory bin' quite some time ago but the 'bin' just popped right open with finding out she is engaged. Ultimately I want her to be happy and I don't wish bad on her. I have no plan of acting on these feelings and she will be back in the 'memory bin' again shortly, I'm sure of it. It's just a tremendous feeling that came over me and I guess I needed to vent?

[LovesMusic]

I hate to break it to you, but if you broke up 5 years ago and she never came back, hasn't spoken to you in 2 years and is now marrying someone else - she doesn't love you anymore.

 

You're not going to be together someday. And you're in no position to determine if she's making a huge mistake. That's your broken heart and some jealousy speaking.

 

It's time for you to be honest with yourself and your girlfriend that you are not over your ex. It's not a good sign that you discuss your fondness for your ex with your current girlfriend, and I sense your current one doesn't really know how deeply you feel. I doubt she'd be comfortable with this level of sadness and regret. I think you should probably talk to someone (ie. a good counselor) about what's brewing in your mind. To feel this bummed 5 years later and while in a new relationship strongly suggests you've not moved on and need some much more effective coping strategies.

 

I appreciate your response too. That kind of snap-out-of-it medicine helps. I disagree about speaking about your feelings with your current partners though. We had a very meaningful talk about how I was feeling and I feel like we bonded. It's not a fondness that I was expressing. Ultimately, I feel like the easy way to describe it was jealousy. Not of the guy she is marrying but of her. I told her that I felt like I struggled a lot with the negative things that I was told during our break up and that I did a lot of work to learn and grow from the experience and that I felt as though my ex didn't clearly with her actions I witnessed over the years yet things just seemed to magically work out for her; she seems very happy. I told my girlfriend that I felt like my ex and I would end up with each other but that was a fanciful feeling that I didn't really want (though I feel it, it's not something I truly want).