Trying to reconnect

[Tomthumb88]

So I broke up with a woman I love dearly 3 months ago. I've had time to reflect on what I did wrong in the relationship and my personal life has grown by leaps and bounds since the break up.

Anyway, after several periods of limited and no contact we're finally starting to communicate more frequently and better but she still seems to be holding back a bit. That is to say, I do all the initial contacting. Recently I requested her help and guidance with something which she was very helpful with via email/text but my actual intent was to discuss it over lunch or whatever. I'd like to physically see her so I could try to rebuild some attraction, although I have no plans to discuss any relationship or make any strong moves but im afraid of being rebuffed and think that would set any progress back. Im only in the area for another week and then I'll be away for most of the month and I'm thinking time is working against me at this point.

[DancingFool]

In these situations, time is working for you in that you actually need the time to really fix your respective selves and some distance from each other so you can start over with a cleaner slate and not just drop back into bad old patterns that lead up to the break up in the first place.

 

Anyway, if you realize that you want to genuinely get back together and you were the one who ended things, then you will need to be honest and direct with her about what you want, including sitting down and discussing what went wrong on BOTH sides and how to go better in the future. Don't play silly games hoping for this or that. If she decides to reject your advances, she will reject you no matter what. On top of that, she is not a mind reader regarding your intentions. If you are just asking for help with something, you will simply get help and that is all. Better face it head on and know that you either have a future with her or not and need to actually move on.

[Wiseman2]

How long were you dating? Why did you breakup? This sounds straight out of those 'get your ex back' sites and you are getting the usual non-results they fail to mention. Such as a lame response to nonsense contact like asking for help. Or trying to imply indirectly how much you've changed etc.

 

No contact is your best best, not buzzing around with vague cryptic contact. The more you do this the less she'll miss you and the more desperate and unattractive you'll seem to her. Go on your trip, minimize contact.

we're finally starting to communicate more frequently and better but she still seems to be holding back a bit. I requested her help and guidance with something which she was very helpful with via email/text but my actual intent was to discuss it over lunch or whatever.

[Tomthumb88]

I tried the cards on the table bit and got the "can't be in a relationship right now" routine. So she knows how I feel. She has some real personal issues that effect her ability to have a relationship. This is real and valid, however I also see her on dating sites.

I have a pending job prospect that will take me far from here in a few months. I was trying to be her friend and see if anything develops until I have to make a finial decision but I'm also trying not to push hard but not pushing at all 3 months after a bo seems like a recipe for failure too.. she opens up to me when we talk usually but other times I get one work text replies. I just feel like asking her to lunch or dinner and her declining would be worse than not asking at all.

[Wiseman2]

Don't use the friendzone to try to hang on. She's on dating sites, so hunting for others guys. "can't be in a relationship right now" routine. however I also see her on dating sites. Do not ask her out or use gimmicks to get her to see you

[Tomthumb88]

Well, I'm also on there...

I broke up with her because she was pulling away, that plan really was mostly from a relationship "expert" on YouTube that said walking away would get results. Well it got results, her finishing the break up lol

In hindsight a rationale discussion would have been better but I was in a state at the time

[Tomthumb88]

Friend zone is bad but what now? I already agreed to it and telling her I can't now would be drama queen behavior. Just disappear and hope she reconsiders? It's been 3 months! Someone is going to snatch her crazy ass up

[Wiseman2]

Do you want to be fwb with her? At least that's an upgrade from friendzone, no? Don't tell her you are pulling back, just fade out.

 

Never use tricks and gimmicks to 'get exes back'. or teach them a lesson. It messes up things totally. It's backfired twice now.

 

Ok you went from the 'space' gimmick to her breaking up. Then the minimal contact thing and she's locked you into the friendzone while out hunting for guys. zone is bad but what now? I already agreed to it and telling her I can't now would be drama queen behavior. Just disappear and hope she reconsiders? It's been 3 months! Someone is going to snatch her crazy ass up

[Tomthumb88]

Yup.. I really messed this one up. From being a father to her daughter and discussing marriage/more kids to this... looking for a magic bullet on the internet.

Pulling away is logical but I just (kinda) disarmed her and got her talking again

[Tomthumb88]

Well I was weak and invited her to lunch this week and she said she was too busy. Now I'm going to try to be strong and not contact her again. Maybe the reappearance followed by disappearance will convince her to reach out. But... I know deep down that she won't and this has only been a internal fight within myself since she and her girlfriends decided I wasn't worth the effort and she was moving on.

[lostlove76]

What was the cause of her pulling away before the breakup, do you know?

[Tomthumb88]

Well, she has some real and valid personal issues stemming from her being a widow. The problem was I couldn't distinguish where the problems with us and me were and what was caused by her depression. It caused me to become a huge pleaser and I think this helped her lose interest in me. She also went right to threatening the relationship so it was hard to talk through issues. I just kinda lost it one morning and pulled the break up stunt that led to these pathetic last 3 months.

[Tomthumb88]

On the other hand.. as far a relationship errors go it seems one of the least painful. Let's see.. I was always there for her, I brought food, picked things up, baby sat etc.. it's funny because I talk to some of my female friends and they've given second chances to drunks, abusers etc..

[boltnrun]

Why were you looking for relationship tips online?

 

Those "get your ex back, guaranteed!" scams are just that...scams. If they worked no one would stay broken up.

 

A scheme or scam or plan can't do a thing about influencing or changing someone's feelings.

 

Please stop relying on these "plans" in the future. Be genuine. If the other person feels the same you won't need a plan or scheme.

 

As for this woman, she's made it pretty clear reconciling is not in the cards. To keep asking to see her is bordering on disregarding her wishes and feelings. Don't be that guy.

[Tomthumb88]

I already am that guy and have been for the past 2 months... it's sad and I try to fight it

[Tomthumb88]

She's not a prize to be won and I should respect her decision to remove me from her life as my last act of love for her even though it hurts. I hadn't talked to her at all for 2 weeks and then we had a 2 hour conversation so I guess it got me back to my trying to get her back routine.

My new plan is not to contact her at all and if she contacts me I'm going to tell her I really can't just be friends. But... she's probably never going to contact me and I need to accept that.

[Tomthumb88]

The question is.. what do I do if she contacts me?

[LaHermes]

Tom:

 

"she's probably never going to contact me and I need to accept that."

 

and then

 

"...what do I do if she contacts me?"

 

Could I urge you to stop torturing yourself with these circular ruminations.

[Tomthumb88]

Good point

[LaHermes]

Also:

 

"...I talk to some of my female friends and they've given second chances to drunks, abusers etc.."

 

That says more about those females than about the drunks and abusers.

Why would anyone give an abuser and a drunk a second chance. What healthy person would do such a thing? I ask.