He moved states for me but has decided he can't be here anymore

[Bec090]

My boyfriend and I both met 2 years ago and have been dating for a year and a half.

He is from NSW and I am from Victoria, Australia.

We instantly fell in love the moment we met even though I'd never have previously considered dating a younger guy. I'm close to 30yo and he is 23, our values, goals and beliefs aligned.

My partner moved here for me 6 months ago but has now decided to break things off to move back home with his family and friends.

 

My life in Victoria is wonderful. I've been living in my new house for two years now and am extremely close with my family spending time with them a few times a week. I have a stable job and have recently been promoted so life for me here is very steady and secure.

 

My partner comes from a broken family with some traumatic childhood experiences. He was renting at the time he moved here with me and was in and out of a few unsecure jobs with little savings. He was able to ship his entire life in the car and make his way here in an 8 hour car ride.

 

This was initially how we made the decision for him to move here.

 

When he moved he found a job quite easily close to home and made new friends there. He was able to spend time with these friends outside of work and have his own life here.

He got along really well with my family. He adored them and they him. He has a few cousins living in Victoria that he would catch up with and is independent enough to do things without me. We often did dinners together and explored my town and all that it had to offer.

 

Living together initially was great. But as months passed his missing home became more and more aparent and was causing him a lot of stress and anxiety.

He missed the warmer weather, his friends and family. He missed the familiarity of streets and places and often spoke about not feeling at home here.

 

Now he has moved back home to his father's place in the hope that he may be able to save and get his own property back home.

He has asked me to move there and give us another shot in his hometown.

 

So now I'm stuck. And completely devastated as he was someone I really connected with like no other and we did discuss plans to get married. This was quite serious.

 

I've had people tell me that I should move for him if he's given it a go here.

My heart says yes but everything in my brain is flashing red.

I worry that if I move there I'm leaving my wonderful life for one with so many insecurities and red flags.

if we were to have a family of our own one day there would be little to no support for us there vs here.

I would also be starting from scratch career wise and would miss family events at home which happen weekly.

I'm so torn because I don't want to lose him and he still messages telling me he loves and misses me. We are both devastated things ended.

What should I do??

[ThatwasThen]

In the hope that he may get a job and save money?

 

I'd not be moving there until he's had steady employment for at least a year and has shown you that you really are "aligned." Don't move out there until he can show you that he's a grown up man who can support himself. You've certainly shown him that you are capable of eking out a good living for yourself.

 

and was in and out of a few unsecure jobs with little savings.

[Tinydance]

Well hello also from someone from Victoria, Australia! I'm really sorry to hear that you're in this difficult situation. So how did you and your boyfriend initially meet? I think unfortunately in this case if he didn't like living in Victoria and you're also really reluctant to move to New South Wales, unfortunately it may be best to just call it quits. I know many relationships that are long distance do work out but that's only when one of the people is willing to move. Here it doesn't really seem to be the case as you both want to stay in your original hometown.

 

I know you were saying that your boyfriend got a job in your town and made new friends but I think just because he met new people doesn't mean he felt really close to them and they replaced his friends back home. I'm 32 and I'm a super friendly and social person so make friends easily. I have some very dear best friends though, some I've known seventeen years. I can make new friends anywhere but it really just wouldn't be the same. Maybe your boyfriend felt like that too.

 

Also yeah it's true Victoria has cold, miserable rainy weather for a number of months and NSW is much sunnier and warmer so I get that. I like the weather in NSW better myself too except it's a lot more humid there and very bad for my asthma lol

 

I know it seemed to you like you'd have a lot more support and comfort in your hometown but to him it probably didn't seem like that coz he still didn't know many people. He may have a broken family but he still has family in NSW and it sounds like he really missed them.

 

Do you not have many guys in your town, is that why you were dating someone from interstate? You should come to Melbourne, there is a fair amount of guys here Having said that, I've still been single for 2.5 years (not for the lack of trying lol).

[Bec090]

Thanks for the responses so far.

 

I totally agree that he would need to be much more stable for things to work out in the long run before I could even consider moving there.

We met through friends and I had never met or dated anyone that made me feel the way he did so quickly. I felt safe and loved from the very get go.

I just feel like 6 months wasn't enough time for him to really adjust to his new life here and I can't help but think that he gave up on us too quickly. Perhaps I was silly to think that an interstate relationship would work... but he was so sure at the beginning that he could move here and be fine with it.

[thealchemist]

Hate to ask this, but he is pretty young, is there any chance this is him trying to end it without it being his fault? Him being down could have been relationship based instead of home sick. You are the only one that could judge sincerity here but that is something to think about. Even the asking you to come could be him assuming you won't. Just addressing a differing viewpoint even though it might be baseless.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Were you long distance until he moved in with you? It sounds like he's too young and immature for you and he's at a very different life stage.

 

It sounds like you are very happy and successful where you are and he was homesick and now happier back there. Just a lot of unfortunate incompatibilities and logistical differences. It's best that he live with parents until he gets on his feet and on his own.

 

You would regret and resent moving there, he's only suggesting that because he wants to be where he is now.

I'm close to 30yo and he is 23. My partner moved here for me 6 months ago but has now decided to break things off to move back home with his family and friends. Now he has moved back home to his father's place in the hope that he may be able to save and get his own property back home. I worry that if I move there I'm leaving my wonderful life for one with so many insecurities and red flags.

[Bec090]

We initially did long distance for 6 months flying back and forth which took it's toll on us both.

He decided to move here after that time so we could be together every day as he wanted a life together.

I spoke to him yesterday on the phone and he's really down too. Crying and saying he wished that things could be different. He told me that if I moved there it might bring me down and he's scared to hurt me anymore than he already has.

I've spent the last two days feeling empty and cold in my house without him.

My relationship before him was 10 years long... but the hurt when that ended is nothing compared to this.

Really feel like my heart is broken in two.

[Wiseman2]

Start advertising for a housemate to share some costs and have some company. Also get involved in things you enjoyed before the relationship. He's to young and need to establish himself first.

I've spent the last two days feeling empty and cold in my house without him. My relationship before him was 10 years long..