I'm a mess.

[apples]

***this is a very long post***

 

About a month ago my boyfriend lost his job of 12 years.

 

And a little back story as what's going on now; almost exactly a year ago (may 5th) we took a break for about a month. We had some issues, broke it off and got back together. I did the breaking up, he was overly jealous of many things.

 

Things have been so unbelievably difficult with this job loss. He's been drinking A TON. He snaps at me about everything. He's rude. And he starts tons of petty fights and then says that I'm the one doing this to "us". I've been trying my hardest to be understanding. Throw on a smile and tell myself that this will pass -- it's not me -- he's going through something terrible --

 

We got into an argument the other night (Tuesday) about hotdogs. Yes, HOTDOGS. I left the open bag on the counter and he knocked them over on the floor. He lost it saying that I never clean up after myself, that I leave everything do him to do, and yada yada. I got to a point where I didn't want to fight at all. There was drinking involved, I felt the best thing to do was literally lay down and turn my back. And I did so on the couch (we have a huge sectional, and many nights are spent using that as a bed. Because we fall asleep out there, not because of arguments) he started yelling at me to go in the room because he didn't want to be around me. I shut down. Just closed my eyes and breathed. He stormed off with the tv remotes and locked himself in the bedroom.

 

The following morning I went to work as usual, and then heard nothing from him the whole day.

 

When I got home he wouldn't look at me. I asked him to talk, and he said he had nothing to say except that he was unhappy with me, and he's sick of me.

 

We eventually started talking.

 

He told me that he hates it and that I'm selfish for shutting down like that. (I do it a lot lately because drinking is always in the equation with him). He said that I'm always running away from problems at hand and that I'm never there for him. I told him that since he had been drinking, I felt that turning my back to the situation until he was sober was the best choice.

He then brought up that he wasn't over last May. He said he wanted to make me feel the way he did a year ago, and that things come in full circle and I'll get mine?

I told him he needs to stop living in the past. That I love him and we have a home together now and that we've both come so far since that horrible time last year.

Nothing I say or do does anything.

I've stepped away from situations, but he says I'm running away and pathetic.

I've apologized up and down for things that I shouldn't be apologizing for.

I've tried to tell him he's being irrational.

I've sat and just listened and agreed.

I've tried to make solutions to fix what we had been arguing about.

Nothing works, he eventually calms down, and then he's happy as can be with me.

 

Fast forward to yesterday. We were both awake pretty early for a Saturday, I had to work at 1. So I went to bigby and got us some coffee and we sat and watched tv and jokes around like our normal selves. I went to work, we were texting like normal. We had plans later on to go to a going away party. When I got home I had our rent money and such, he was sitting on the couch and I said something along the lines of "can I make it rain on you?" And pretended to do so. I didn't actually do it. He stands up and goes "what the is wrong with you?" And goes outside to smoke. (Also, we are super sarcastic to each other all the time.) As he's standing outside I notice he looked super red, and I asked him if he went tanning -- he did -- and I laughed and said he looked like a tomato.

He looked at me in a way I've never seen before, like mean and pissed off. He walked inside, kinda shoulder checked me and went in the bathroom. I stood for a minute and walked to the bathroom as well. The door was partially open and I could see he was doing his hair. I asked if everything was okay and kinda opened the door more. He said "you say the stupidest sh** get out of my face." And slammed the door.

 

I proceeded to get ready and we didn't say a word to each other.

 

When it was time to go, he asked me if he was driving. I said that would be awesome if he could. He made some comment under his breath and we left. The car ride was silent most of the way. He then asked what was wrong.

I said (very calmly) that I'm sorry if he was upset for calling him a tomato, I meant nothing negative by it, but that I didn't like the way he reacted. He started yelling that , again, I'm doing this to myself, he did no wrong, he's sick of my . I got upset, and said that he was being irrational again. He parked the car and as he was getting out said "shut the f*** up" and slammed the door.

Once he came back he made comments about how he was taking me home and I I was gonna drive. Then said I'm actually just taking you home. I want nothing to do with you.

I eventually said yes, just take me home I don't want to be around people like this. At this point I'm crying my eyes out. He said "actually no, I'm not wasting my time you're going with me. We get to the house, and I said we need to talk for a minute before we go in. He gets out and walks away. I sat there for a minute. I didn't want to go inside. I was a mess for some reason.

He comes and opens my door, and says to come inside. I told him I wanted to speak first, we weren't okay and I wanted to be better. Not have a full on conversation, but try to be civil. He said to call an uber then. He said he just wanted me out of his car. I tried closing my door, and he tried holding it open.

THEN said I was psycho because I tried slamming his fingers in the door. I asked him if anything else was bugging him, or if it was just the tomato comment. He said he hated the way I treated him last May. How I treated him the other night by turning my back to him. I stood up and we started towards the door. He started making comments like "what if I start getting jealous again". I grabbed him at this point and kissed him. Told him I loved him. He turned away and walked on with out me.

At the party he wouldn't look or speak to me. So we drank. Left. Fought in the car, he said he doesn't know if he wants a future with me. I'm currently laying in bed while he's out on the couch.

 

If I back off and give him space, he says I'm running away and that makes him want to leave me.

 

If I go to speak to him, we'll do nothing but just argue.

 

We were so good. Him and I are amazing together, but since he lost his job, it feels like we are falling apart.

He's not usually like this. I'm not usually like this. Everything is so hard.

 

 

Help.

[MissCanuck]

I think he is on his way out of the relationship, but it's not all down his job loss.

 

He is holding to an awful lot of resentment and anger towards you, and my guess is the stress of losing his job compound this. In any event, it doesn't give him license to be raging bully to you. I would not be tolerating this type of treatment.

 

Any chance he's been seeing someone? Sometimes cheaters project in an attempt to deflect from their own bad behaviour.

[apples]

 

Any chance he's been seeing someone? Sometimes cheaters project in an attempt to deflect from their own bad behaviour.

 

I don't believe that he is seeing anyone. He hasn't shown any signs of being deceitful. Unless he's playing it off very well.

I want this to work out so badly. I don't want to lose him and it's breaking my heart that it seems to be going down that path. I forgot to mention above, that in his field of work there are no jobs in our home state and that more than likely we'll have to move. I told him I was going with him no matter what, and it really seems he wants to do this on his own and leave me behind.

[MissCanuck]

Unfortunately, you cannot force him to bring you if he goes somewhere else for work. If he wants out, it's his prerogative.

 

Has he been searching for any type of work, just to help make ends meet? If not, why?

 

Also, how long have you been together?

[apples]

Unfortunately, you cannot force him to bring you if he goes somewhere else for work. If he wants out, it's his prerogative.

 

Has he been searching for any type of work, just to help make ends meet? If not, why?

 

Also, how long have you been together?

 

We've been together for a year and a half. And before we moved in together we talked about the possibility of relocating in the future. Last week he even broke down and said that he was so thankful for everything I've done for him and we talked about us moving together. Everything seems so jumbled with him. Like he's a different person every day.

He got a part time job near us, but he's going to have to get a second part time job to make ends meet. But he hasn't been looking for a second job... I have had a few interviews for a second job myself, and I'm already working 6 days/wk 70+ hours/wk. He starts his new job this coming Friday. He has no hobbies but video games and drinking. He drinks A LOT every day, and I'm terrified of the thought of even bringing that up.

[MissCanuck]

Dear me, I had thought you two had been together a lot longer.

 

This isn't healthy or sustainable. You've only been together 18 months, have broken up once, already live together, he's developed and drinking problem and he's now talking about leaving? I'm afraid you two don't have the foundation required for a long-term and happy unit. If you'd had years of happiness already under your belts, then at least you'd have a point of reference during tough times. When did you start living together and whose idea was it?

 

You seem to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting but are met with hostility and rejection, soaked in alcohol. If he's drinking a lot every day, you're looking at someone with an alcohol abuse problem. Listen to your own words: you're terrified at even broaching the subject. This is a very sad statement and points to the overall dysfunction and toxic dynamic of the relationship. You mentioned you previously left because he was overly jealous and other issues. What were those issues?

 

I think you need to take a big step back. Ask yourself if this is really what you want. It's extremely unhealthy as it stands. I know you're invested but I think you need to be careful. His current treatment of you is unacceptable, and he seems to be trying to wiggle his way out of the relationship. He appears to be a very angry individual and you have become his emotional punching bag so he can punish you for breaking up with him last year. Personally, I would already be gone. It's not worth it to me for a guy I've been with only 1.5 years and have already had problems with. I get he's having a hard time with life, but he's showing you how he copes and it's scary. You need to ask yourself why you're trying so hard to please a man who's been treating you like horse manure.

[Andrina]

Sounds like he's an alcoholic and that should be a deal breaker in itself. You need to set rules in a relationship about not calling each other names when arguing, and to not use profanity. The argument should be about coming to a consensus about an issue, not belittling your partner. If you mean you two used to be great, then I'm assuming you mean the first 4-6 months in a new relationship, which is not reality. Everyone is at their best in the beginning. His true demeanor is now rearing its ugly head. Get out now and work on your self esteem, because it's lacking if you think this is the person you deserve for your one precious life.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he seems to be looking for an exit. It's only been 1.5 years and a bit too much too soon. It sounds like you are over-invested and over-attached. He's an alcoholic you can't fix that, he won't change.

 

Pull way back, don't drink with him and start to reflect on what you really want out of life.

it really seems he wants to do this on his own and leave me behind.

[used2blue]

This is not healthy and very toxic.

Emotional and physical abuse at a minimum.

No matter what is going on his actions are not acceptable.

You did not deserve any of that.

He needs to fix himself.

 

This only sounds like it will not change and could get worse.

[KantSleep]

I regret to say he sounds like an abusive alcoholic. Is this the kind of partner you want in your life? How is he enhancing it? From where I am sitting, he is dragging you down big time.

[maccerz]

As everyone above has said, it sounds like he has a drinking problem. And what you need to remember about alcoholics is that their number 1 relationship will always be with alcohol, you will always come second. You need to leave, his treatment of you is totally unacceptable and will most certainly get worse.