vivicafist Posted April 29, 2017 Share Posted April 29, 2017 Really long rambling ahead and English isn't my native language, sorry! I was in a relationship for 4 years, and I ended up being cheated on two times. We broke up, this happened over a year ago. I was single for about a month, when I started talking with a guy I kinda knew because we had spent time together in a group before. After some weeks he told me he’s interested in me, I was kinda interested in him but I said I need some time to be alone after getting cheated on. We continued spending time as friends and I found myself getting a huge crush on him, I told about my feelings some weeks later and we started dating. We had an awesome summer and at the end of July I really felt like I wanted him to be my boyfriend despite all my fears and relationship trauma. So I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said yes, we were so happy! But the next day I got an horrible anxiety, I’ve never felt anything like that. And it continued for days, I had a trip booked to Poland with my friend and that whole week I was a real anxious mess. When I came back I told him about my anxiety and that I guess I’m not ready for relationship. I was really scared of getting cheated on, being hurt again, I was so scared of opening myself up for someone and being vulnerable, I was really scared of commitment and guess kinda tired of relationships too. We continued dating and being exclusive so we kinda were in relationship but not ”officially” (yeah I know makes no sense). I was really jealous, paranoid, anxious (sometimes I was little bit anxious all the day and woke up at morning feeling my heart pounding at my chest) and scared, I ended up snooping through his texts several times, always confessed it and said I’m sorry, I knew it was a wrong thing to do but I just couldn’t trust him and checking his texts became kinda an addiction too.. Then in December i got two HUGE anxiety attacks, I just cried, my chest felt like collapsing and my arms and legs felt really weird and I felt like I can’t stand on my feet anymore, and I just can’t do this. I had developed a depression during the autumn because my self-esteem was so low, I didn’t see any sense in living, I didn’t believe anyone liked me anymore etc. We broke up, we didn’t want to break up and we cried the whole day, kissed and cuddled and cried some more… We were apart 5 days, then he stayed the night at my place because his parents had been drinking again (alcoholics) and he didn’t have anywhere to go. We were supposed to do nothing but of course we ended up kissing and hugging and having sex, then next day we thought we are going to do. So we ended up kinda being together without it being anything serious and kinda in an open relationship, now later we noted it was the most idiotic idea ever. My anxiety, jealousness and paranoia just EXPLODED, my self-esteem lowered more, I started cutting myself when I couldn’t handle all the horrible emotions I felt. This lasted until February when he said we must stop this, the break up was really painful and I couldn’t even leave my bed for a week. At this point he was also in my friend group so it made me really anxious about having to avoid him but also trying to get to see my friends without him being there. Of course he was understanding about this and gave me space. I started no contact, he broke it several times but I told him I don’t want to talk because it hurts too much. We ended up seeing each other about month after break up, which was a mistake, there were lot of misunderstandings but to be brief we ended up having sex several times and I ended up staying the night, then I went through his messages, found out he had kissed some girl from Tinder and kinda was seeing her. I flipped and cried and shouted at him, he was angry at me going through his messages (understandable), he said it wasn’t anything serious. We tried being friends but it was hurting me too much, told him I can’t do it, he understood. Sometime after that I had my first one-night-stand with a cute girl, I was still missing my ex but after a month I felt like our break up was the smartest thing to do, though it was also painful. I did cry occasionally, wished I could go home with him, I missed our sex because it has been the best sex I’ve ever had, missed the unique connection we had.. But I knew relationships were way too difficult for me right now. I didn’t follow him in social media because I knew I would feel hurt and jealous. I started going to a good therapist, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder which didn’t really surprise me. I hadn’t cut myself for two months and started feeling better. I was also slowly getting used to being single and kinda started enjoying it, I was using Tinder, started making plans with a poly couple about a threesome. Simply I started living my single life. Well two weeks ago my ex contacted me, we talked, then he asked me if he could tell something. He told me he was harassed by his friend when the friend was staying the night, my ex was drunk and sleeping and his friend just started touching him without permission. I have been sexually abused in junior high so I felt huge compassion towards him, and because he was so important to me I said he can come over to talk about it. He came over and just collapsed crying on my lap, I just holded him there and talked about the stuff that had happened. Then when I got him to cheer up a little bit we started talking about us. We both said that we didn’t feel any huge need for relationship but we still loved and missed each other and hoped we could be together sometime. He really wanted to kiss me but said he couldn’t and that he should tell me something that really embarrassed him. He told me he ended up in relationship with the Tinder girl though he didn’t want to, the girl is really confusing and distant, not his type at all, but they were drunk and she asked him to be his boyfriend, my ex said yes and hoped she didn’t remember it the next morning but yeah she did. My ex has a huge problem with being too kind to people and not always being able to say no, this is because of his childhood which hasn’t been the nicest. He said he knows how stupid this is and that he has to leave her because it’s making him way too anxious and he doesn’t want to be with her. So he left her, we kinda started dating. She didn’t take it well, maybe because she was used to always being the one who leaves first, she was really weird about it. The next day my ex said he wasn’t ready, he wanted to be but he was way too busy with entrance exams to school, and trying to get better after getting harassed, and the Tinder girl didn’t leave him alone. I was of course really sad but understood, he was under a lot of stress, he also has some neurotic traits that really emerged during that stress. Then few days later he came over, he had ended up having sex with a friend though he didn’t want to, he was really anxious and his friend didn’t even seem to care about it that he kinda wasn’t there during the act. So yeah he got harassed again.. Then he also said that he has a lot of going on right now but he wants to be with me. So we started dating again, I got some anxiety but could manage it and calm myself down with meditation etc. But the Tinder girl didn’t leave him alone and he had so much going on and saying no to people is really hard for him, it made him an anxious mess, then his friend who harassed him said they had a crush on him.. He wasn’t able to answer to the message. He was also really distant and obsessed about reading to entrance exam, I started feeling really lonely and unwanted and all the unsolved things started to make me anxious. It escalated to last Sunday when I had an anxiety attack and we ended up noting that this doesn’t work right now, he has things to solve and this just isn’t very nice for me. I cried so much but was kinda relieved because I had been so anxious. He had almost been in Asperger-tests when a child, but wasn’t, but we are kinda sure he could be an Aspie, because he really doesn’t understand flirting or some non-verbal cues, (he has several other aspie traits too) I really have to explain to him some reaaally simple things. So at Monday he said he knows I must hate him right now but he really needs help to tell the Tinder girl to back off. So we talked about it and he told her, he was really relieved after it though he was kinda anxious if he was a horrible person. He said he’s going to solve all these things now for himself but he also wishes I could give him another chance. I forgave him and said I could be his girlfriend when he has handled the harasser ”friend” who has a crush on him. Tuesday was the best day I’ve had in months, we studied together, watched a movie, had sex, talked about a lot of stuff, I was so happy and didn’t feel anxious at all. Wednesday I felt really lonely and sad when I wasn’t with him, I was kinda scared of how happy he could make me. Thursday I still wasn’t anxious but I started having a lot of thoughts going around in my head. I have told him about them but yeah this is the problem right now: I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship or not. And I don’t know if I want to give up being single. I do love him a lot, and I’m quite sure there isn’t anyone like him out there. I see a lot of potential in us. But then again I’m also really afraid of commitment, and how powerful love feels, and how much it could potentially hurt me. I’m still kinda afrad of getting hurt again, I have wanted to check his messages but haven’t done it because I just really don’t want to be that kind of person again. Then again I also feel like I’m not ready to give up the ”easy single life”, pretendind my ex doesn’t exist so I don’t have anyone who could hurt me, and I could just be selfish and free, try to grow and learn to be a better person. I know I can handle being single and it could be nice, but I also know I would miss my ex and still wish we could be together someday. I really enjoy being with him, when we cuddle and kiss it feels like the right place to be, the idea about being his girlfriend is great. Then again I’m afraid all relationships are doomed and I will get too anxious. Right now I don’t even know what I want. I want him and I love him, but I feel like i’m not ready and I’m afraid I wouldn’t be very good girlfriend or if we ended up in relationship i would regret it and break up and end up hurting him… Then again I have GAD so I have a lot of irrational fears, and I can’t make up if my thoughts are because of my GAD or because I just really shouldn’t date right now. Then again I don’t want to lose him. I’m afraid I can’t appreciate him enough? I’m so tired of myself to be honest. To be brief: I have the possibility to get back together with my ex who I love a lot, we broke up only because I was too anxious to be in relationship because I was cheated on in previous relationship. I have diagnosed general anxiety disorder, I started being happy being single because it’s lot easier, but I love him. I just don’t know if I’m ready, I don’t want to hurt him by starting a relationship and then regretting it. Then again I don’t know why I don’t feel ready, is it because of my GAD and all my fears or because I just really should be single right now? Link to comment
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