Help a girl out

[onsometrash]

Hi, I'm 20 years old and this guy I've been talking to and have dated briefly once before is 22 and we are both enrolled in community college here in my home state. Today, we got into a very intense argument about... I'm not even really exactly sure what about. I will begin with some background about why our relationship first deteriorated and how it eventually came back together and we find ourselves where we are now. I met K officially in November of 2016 (we had seen each other around campus before, but i wasnt very interested in him at the time, i was seeing someone else) and we hit it off immediately. We actually had sex the very first time we hung out extensively and from there on tried to begin a relationship and it was really nice for a short period of time until aeound December of 2016, we ran into problems because I live about 30 miles from him and i dont drive so we were really barely seeing each other. I brought up how i wanted to find some sort of compromise (maybe we could meet at school since i really didn't feel comfortable putting pressure on him to drive so far to see me) but he told me he didnt feel comfortable with me having to get on the bus for so long just to see him. I tried to assure him that that wasn't a problem for me, that the bus life is just something im used to now being 20 and not knowing how to drive but he was adamant and it eventually led me to think that breaking up was the best option since he refused to compromise and i really need physicality to be a main ingredient in my relationships. I want to be able to look you in the face when i talk to you and whatnot. So all around, that relationship only lasted like 3 weeks or so? Which is not unusual for me. What was unusual, however, is that we decided to still be friends after because i was really tired of being on a no talking basis, you're dead to me type, thing after i break up with someone because that's how it usually went with me and i wanted to change that. So we stayed "friends." But i always still felt very deeply for him. Around February of 2017, our "friendship" became more than that and we started having sex again though neither of us approached the idea of being in a relationship again. We see each other at school once a week and so transportation is really not a big deal for us right now. Now, we get to the most recent events. K is stuggling in school and life to find motivation, we both are. He is failing math and it upsets him greatly. I understand this, as i am having a hard semester too, and have dropped from 12 full semester credits to just 6 as i find my time constrained by my full time job (which we both have, full time jobs.) I also have yet to be placed into college math classes because i am having a hard time with my school's placement test. Last wednesday, K and I got into a brief argument (not even really an argument because i just wound up walking away) in which we were sitting in his car on school grounds just talking and spending time together when he mentioned how i was "distracting" him and that he should really be doing something more important. I took great offense to this because, like i said, we only get to see each other once a week and i highly value the time we spend together so it really just didn't make sense to me that he didnt feel the same. Like i get that he has important things to do, i dont want to distract him from his studies, but aren't i important too? We only get to see each other once a week and he has 24 hours in a day, why can't i have 30 minutes of his time and it's not like we haven't went to tutoring before together (him for his class and I for the placement test.) So, on that occasion, i simply got out of his car and left him to not be so distracted by my distracting presence (he might say i "stormed away.") Fast forward a week later to this past wednesday. I told him i wanted to show him something. It was a book of my childhood memories because he's always telling me i never open up to him and that he feels he hardly knows me. I can see where he's coming from because i am a very guarded person emotionally, i dont trust people with my emotions very well and i have not really learned how to manage them very well because that's not really the environment i grew up in. I realize these things, i am trying to open up to him at my own pace. So, i show him the book and he just cant understand how i can't tell him these things outright in conversation like he does with me (he's been very open about his past and his feelings and I'm very grateful for that but we are not the same person.) And then the happenings from last week got brought up and our discussion quickly turned into an argument where i was really the only one arguing and he was just calm and i think that made me even more upset (i raised my voice a bit but i am naturally soft spoken) which then escalated things even further. He feels as if i dont care enough about my future. He wants to "boss up" (that's a direct qoute) and he feels as if i am not living up to my full potential. I am always supportive of him, i truly believe he can do anything he puts his mind to, and i never want to stand in the way of his future. I admit i am a depressed and anxious in life, but im not dumb, i get things done when i have to, and i am going to get this placement test passed but i guess he feels as if i am not putting enough effort into it at this very moment. I reminded him that i have until fall to take the test and register for classes so i really dont know why he's on my nuts about it so much but he just kept insisting that he saw my "negative emotions" "clouding my future." I find this very hypocritical as i am not even the one failing my classes and as i pointed out to him we are two different people with two different mindsets. I then pointed out to him how we are not even together and he insisted he could not be in a relationship with someone he could not "build with." He places great value on being successful later in life because he wants to be able to set up a nest egg for his future children. He is always thinking 5 years ahead. I, however, am more concerned with next week or even tommorrow than 5 years from now (who knows if I'll even be alive then!) And i also dont even think i want kids. He has a lot of ambition but lacks drive. I suppose im more of a realist and while i do think being succeaful is important, i am not consumed by it (most times i just want to crawl under a rock and call that my career.) The conversation eventually ended up with me crying and becoming overcome with emotions and walking away again( i was f-ing embarrassed.) But even i admitted before leaving that i really had no idea why i started crying or how that conversation even went so left! I was really only trying to connect with him by showing him the book(of which he is only the second person in my life to EVER see) and show him that he is important to me and that i do want to be with him (but without certain expectations)! Im really so bad at regulating my emotions and i know that i could have handled things better than crying and walking away but i was really so overcome and hurt and embarrassed. Now, part of me is regretting ever opening up to him, and the other part is just dreadfully confused. Should we breakup? Are we too different? I really feel like I'm crazy and unlovable and I'm really trying not to let those emotions affect my judgment but i dont know what to do. I have basically no healthy relarionship experience and i really want to be with K, i like him so much, and i really love long lasting relationships but it seems like i can never have them without it being a situationship (longest is one year and 3 months, never again!!) and that is not what i want with K. I feel like he wants to change me (he pushes me to work out with him and lead more active life) but I'm really not at that point in my life rn. I also feel like he might be projecting onto me, but im not sure. He says that he feels like i have no one else in my life to push me, so he wants to be that person for me, but i really hate when people tell me what to do. I usually do the opposite out of spite honestly. I guess i should probably also mention that i am a heavy marijuana user as is K (though i can probably outsmoke him and we both probably use the drug as a measure to cope.) And he feels as if my best friend and i only get high together, and that since she will not push me, he has to. Thank you for reading, i know this is alot of mostly bull, and even if you dont have any feedback i appreciate your time, but please if anyone else has been in a situation like this or has an inkling of what i should do please tell me i am so depressed already and this is truly not helping i feel like a piece of doodoo honestly

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are not focusing on the things that will make you happy. Learn to drive. Keep up your grades. Focus on a some sort of career training and working part time and moving out of your parents house and getting financially independent. Stop being a pothead. Date, instead of nebulous fwb arrangements.

 

Your life is what you want it to be and the choices you make. Being a rebel without a cause and needing people to "push you" is not a good or an adult stance to have. Grade school kids act like that not young adult college students who are independent and mature.

February of 2017, our "friendship" became more than that and we started having sex again though. K is stuggling in school and life to find motivation, we both are. i am a heavy marijuana user as is K though i can probably outsmoke him and we both probably use the drug as a measure to cope.

[onsometrash]

First, i wish people would stop telling me what to do to make me happy. I think i will decide that, thanks. Second, i dont even live with my parents, i support myself so thanks again for being presumptuous. Third, i will learn how to drive when i want to, it's not a priority rn, i have other things to focus on. Fourth, my grades are up. Did you even read? He is the one failing, not me. Overall, 0/10 on the actual advice, but thanks for at least taking the time to read somewhat.

[onsometrash]

Unfortunately you are not focusing on the things that will make you happy. Learn to drive. Keep up your grades. Focus on a some sort of career training and working part time and moving out of your parents house and getting financially independent. Stop being a pothead. Date, instead of nebulous fwb arrangements.

 

Your life is what you want it to be and the choices you make. Being a rebel without a cause and needing people to "push you" is not a good or an adult stance to have. Grade school kids act like that not young adult college students who are independent and mature.

 

First, i wish people would stop telling me what to do to make me happy. I think i will decide that, thanks. Second, i dont even live with my parents, i support myself so thanks again for being presumptuous. Third, i will learn how to drive when i want to, it's not a priority rn, i have other things to focus on. Fourth, my grades are up. Did you even read? He is the one failing, not me. Overall, 0/10 on the actual advice, but thanks for at least taking the time to read somewhat.