Needing advice, I want him back so badly.

[britneyy]

This is going to be a long post. My boyfriend and I started dating in 2014, he was 16 and I was 17. We had an instant connection and he helped me out of a bad relationship. He was very patient with me and helped me realize what it feels like to truly be loved and respected. He has always been very mature for his age. After maybe a year of dating we were faced with a decision, his parents were moving 5 hours away and we'd either have to move in together or begin an LDR. We easily made the choice to move in together, knowing it would be very hard but we were very serious about each other from early on and we couldn't be apart.

 

I moved in with he and his parents and we were with them for about a month before we realized it wasn't working out there and we'd be better off moving back to our area to stay with mine. We stayed with my parents about a year before we got our own apartment with a friend of his. This was very exciting for us and something we had wanted for a while at that point. We were like normal couple, having disagreements here and there and we had big arguments maybe a handful of times. Mainly due to the fact that we were still growing up and maturing and learning how to handle things. But we worked through it all together. He'd mention breaking up when he got really, really mad sometimes but always told me he didn't mean it and was just speaking out of anger and that he loved me very much and only wanted me.

 

The longer we stayed in our apartment the more often he'd have friends over and it kinda bugged me. Though sometimes it was the roommate inviting them over so there was not much I could do about that. I'd tell him I'd like more time for just us and he'd take me on dates when he could and spend time with me in various ways. Though that kind of dwindled more than I'd like he was still spending time with me. But I do admit I'd complain a decent amount about being annoyed about his friends being over so much and him going places with them constantly. I've also always been the jealous type(not of his friends but of things like talking/hanging out with other girls) but he was always pretty accepting of that and never really wanted to do that stuff anyway.

 

We told each other constantly of how we wanted a future together, we were both dedicated just to each other, we wanted to be married as soon as possible, and even planned that we wanted 3 children. Our lease is coming to an end soon and two weeks ago we went to a city about 1.5 hours away that we wanted to move to for school and various reasons to tour a couple of apartments and visit his grandma who lived there. He loved one of the apartments so much that we decided on that one and he was going on and on about it to his grandma and getting her very excited because we'd been talking about moving to the area for probably over a year. We went home that night and the next day my bf was telling me he was happy because our roommate would be out of town for the remainder of the week through that Sunday. He was happy we'd get some alone time together. So aside from work and school and all of that we were just spending time together for the rest of the weekend, and that Sunday night he came home from being at the gym with his friends and as I was sitting there filling out the apartment application he gave me the "Can I talk to you?" and dropped the ball on me that he thought we were too "iffy" and that he didn't want to move there with me. He said he doesn't want to move away from his friends because if we we're fighting he'd just be stuck there with me and that he was "Too young for all of this responsibility"(he's 19 almost 20) and that he wants to do what he wants when he wants without having to worry about if it'll piss me off. He claimed he didn't love me like that anymore and saw me as "more like a friend lately" and he just "wants to be single I guess." He told me that he'd wanted to break up with me before but me getting upset made him change his mind because he hated seeing me like that. But his everyday actions contradict that so much, as I'd said he'd tell me how he was so excited for our future constantly and he'd tell me he misses me almost every time we were away from each other. He'd also tell me he loves me probably 10+ times daily and we were very, very, very close. We've always been super compatible and our plans for the future mesh very well together. We are literally completely perfect together.

 

After he had this talk with me I told him to think on it for a few days and the next morning I went to stay at my moms house for a couple days. I had to come back for some clothes two days later and when I got there he was still thinking we should go our separate ways and he told me that. He asked when I was going to move my stuff out but yet kept bringing things up to do with the relationship that shouldn't matter at that point if he broke it off. I left without saying much, and since he mentioned that when I'd get upset it would stop him from doing what he wants to do, throughout the original talk and this ordeal I made sure to just go with what he was saying and did not cry at all. This night my parents and I went and retrieved all of my things, and there was a small spat while we were there, but as I was leaving I made sure to tell him I'd be willing to talk it out and that we could work together to fix things and to come talk to me if he wanted. He looked as if he was going to cry and kept telling me he didn't want me to hate him and that he cares about me very much and loves me(I guess he didn't mean this as in love with me, but as in that he cares for me? I thought it was strange he was saying it.) We defused all of the tension from the earlier spat, I apologized for my mom going off on him and he apologized for his friend trying to get in it. And as I was walking away he tells me he loves me again and I say it back. Again I thought it was weird but I truly do love him.

 

My stepdad texted him to come get his things that he had at our house and he did, this was a couple days later. I had been talking to my mom about our problems before this and mentioned that I didn't like how he'd act when he'd get mad because he had called me a b*tch a couple of times and this ticked her off, so my stepdad told him when he came over that my mom would not ever speak to him unless he apologized for calling me that. He apparently was kind of defensive about it and was trying to explain that he had not called me a b*tch but rather said that i was "b*tching at him." So he cared enough to try to save face to my parents. I will also mention I was at work when he came to get his stuff, so I have not seen him since our breakup day.

 

I've told myself I'm not going to contact him and I haven't. I deleted all of our texts so I wouldn't be tempted to go through them and any photos of him on my phone so I wouldn't see them. I changed my relationship status on facebook and deleted him off there. Since then he has recently gotten back on social media after being off of it more maybe 2-2.5 years because he always said he didn't really like it. But he's deleted me off of everything, literally everything, even spotify and small things like that and has blocked me on facebook(yes I've been snooping, I can't help it.)

 

The other day I stopped by the apartment when I knew he was gone because I needed to give our roommate some rent money and I talked to him a bit about the situation while I was there (probably stupid of me). He told me my ex has been just constantly wanting to go out and do things and never wants to sit still for very long, which is unusual because his very favorite past time is PC gaming and he could sit and do it for hours upon hours and frequently did. He told me he goes to the gym and stays there for like 3-4 hours(unusual) and that he hadn't been hanging out much with the roommate and their other buddy which were his two absolute closest friends, but rather that he'd been hanging out with some other guy. I was worried about him talking to other girls because it breaks my heart, but to the roommates knowledge he said he doesn't think he has been. And he claimed he hadn't really said anything about me at all. We were coming up on our 3 year anniversary next month and were about to move into an apartment with just us, which he always talked about being so excited about.

 

I don't understand the sudden change in attitude or why he just out of the blue broke it off with me, but I want him back so bad. I know I should probably just give him space to realize what he lost, and it's only been exactly one week since we officially broke up and since I last saw him. I literally did everything for him, cook/clean/laundry/all of it. And it made me happy to take care of him like that. I'm hoping since he's now completely responsible for himself it'll help him realize what he's missing. His parents are moving back to the area next month and our roommate told me he's probably going to move back in with them from what he has told him. I think it would be good for us to stay with our parents for a while and work on things, but as I said I don't want to contact him, I honestly really want him to contact me. But I also think time with no contact will be good, however I don't know how long. I just really need some advice, I know this is the man I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life. I am completely, totally, 100% uninterested in even thinking about being with anyone else. I don't believe he could tell me one day how excited he is for our future and marriage and children then a few days later change his mind. I just don't believe it or even think that is possible. Did he just get nervous about us moving off together? I have literally no idea.. Any advice or thoughts at all would be greatly appreciated.

[Birdie]

OP, while you can still edit I would go back and break this into paragraphs.

 

You'll get more answers, it's difficult to read a block of text.

[britneyy]

Done, thank you.

[Dominique]

Sounds to me like he realized that he didn't want to commit to things so seriously anymore. He wants to be free and see what life is like without being tied to a relationship.

He's probably been struggling with this for some time. But you two were so committed he didn't want to tell you until he was sure. The lease for the apartment was his breaking point. He had to make a decision.

 

It sounds like he wants to be free and not tied down to a relationship at 20 years old.

 

I think this has more to do with him and where he's at in this stage of his life.

 

I think it's going to hurt you very much... But I think you are going to have to face the fact that this relationship more than is likely over.

[MissCanuck]

I hate to say it, but your ex is right. He's too young for all of this.

 

In my opinion, you two moved into together far too young as well. You made a commitment that was much too big for teenagers. You two have really only dated each other (in terms of serious relationships) and haven't had the chance to be young and independent. He's only 19; most 19-year-olds are nowhere near mature or experienced enough to settle down, and he knows it. He just isn't ready and probably won't be for a good few years to come.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but this relationship more than likely has truly run its course. Couples that date as teens almost never wind up together forever these days. They grow and want to explore without being tied down. This is where your ex is, and he really has done the right thing letting you go. It wasn't an overnight change. He'd clearly been thinking about it for a while, and probably tried to keep up the motions of being invested (hence apartment-hunting, all the "I love yous", etc) but when push came to shove, he knew he couldn't do it. Him going out all the time is normal now that he's a single young man. He's doing what most guys his age do. You will one day be grateful he didn't string you along and leave you at home alone, wondering where he was all night.

 

You will grieve this for a while, but you're doing the right thing going No Contact.

[britneyy]

I hate to say it, but your ex is right. He's too young for all of this.

 

In my opinion, you two moved into together far too young as well. You made a commitment that was much too big for teenagers. You two have really only dated each other (in terms of serious relationships) and haven't had the chance to be young and independent. He's only 19; most 19-year-olds are nowhere near mature or experienced enough to settle down, and he knows it. He just isn't ready and probably won't be for a good few years to come.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but this relationship more than likely has truly run its course. Couples that date as teens almost never wind up together forever these days. They grow and want to explore without being tied down. This is where your ex is, and he really has done the right thing letting you go. It wasn't an overnight change. He'd clearly been thinking about it for a while, and probably tried to keep up the motions of being invested (hence apartment-hunting, all the "I love yous", etc) but when push came to shove, he knew he couldn't do it. Him going out all the time is normal now that he's a single young man. He's doing what most guys his age do. You will one day be grateful he didn't string you along and leave you at home alone, wondering where he was all night.

 

You will grieve this for a while, but you're doing the right thing going No Contact.

 

I really wasn't looking for opinions on what he's thinking or going to do, because only he knows that. I know that I'm the only one that knows him here and he really is very different from any other guy our age. Which is something a lot of people say, but it is very true. I'm more looking for opinions on how long I should go no contact for, maybe stories from people who have been in similar situations, how long apart would be good for us, etc etc. He has these weird emotional ruts that he slips into for long periods of time occasionally where he tries to push people away and I can usually help him to get out of them, this just is a bit more extreme than usual. I feel I need to talk to him but am not sure how long I should give him alone. Obviously if he keeps on feeling this way about me then I can't force him to love me but I'd like to give him a while before I give it up.

[MissCanuck]

You stay No Contact unless and until he gets in touch with you to discuss reconciliation.

 

The thing is, we are speaking from experience, though I know it's not what you want to hear. Most of us have at some point been where you are or where he is, and I would wager that most of us have moved on from those partners. The vast majority of high school-era relationships don't last, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's healthy to be independent and single as a young adult, too.

 

If you two are to be the exception, then it will likely only happen after he's dated around a bit and had something to compare you and your relationship to, and had time to be single and carefree. All you can do is proceed with your own healing not reach out to him. You don't have to worry about giving up when he's already ended it. That is on him.

[WombatShadow]

I'm going to somewhat disagree with MissCanuck here and say that you don't have to go No Contact forever.

 

What you do need to do is go No Contact until you are relatively sure that you can handle rejection or him not wanting to be anything more than the friend he saw you as of late. He's quite right to think that you two are super young to be committing to something like this, and it's difficult to fault him for recognizing that. You would do well to accept that this relationship is well and truly over. We all think that we/our SOs are special and that the stereotypes don't apply as such, but stereotypes do exist for reason. So, don't talk to him. If he reaches out and you can handle a bit of friendly conversation, go for it; if you don't feel up to that conversation and he reaches out, ignore him. Don't start a conversation with him until you are practically ambivalent about him.

 

But, you see, there's the rub: by the time you feel ambivalent and are therefore feeling up to contacting him, you may have lost your feelings. Not necessarily, but it does happen. You may not even feel the need by this point to contact him, because you will have moved on and realized that you don't need him to be happy.

 

Also, I am the world's biggest hypocrite for typing this out. It's like MissCanuck said: we're speaking from experience here. I'm currently in a weird texting relationship with my own ex wherein he is hot and cold, and somedays I'm okay with it (he hasn't answered my text from earlier today, but I'm dealing with it alright) and somedays I'm absolutely not okay with it (a couple weeks ago I had a meltdown because he didn't respond to a text I sent him at nearly 11 PM; see my last started thread on here for the full rundown). It's definitely making my recovery harder, especially because I still think there's a chance for us, and as such I am living proof that it's easier and definitely better not to get started on something like this until you are emotionally ready to handle it.