Help- What does he want from me?

[Lala6699]

I met this guy on Tinder almost a year ago. I know what you are all thinking. "Oh, here we go."

Just hear me out...

 

So we have been hanging the entire time. I go to his house every weekend and stay two nights and then go back home and work out my week and then it's back to his place. We hang out, watch TV, he cooks for me, play video games, hang out with his parents and close friends. We basically act as a couple.

He told me in the past that we are just friends and that it "could" go somewhere in the future, but he just wasn't ready to be tied down at that moment. So after a few conversations where I told him that I can't do the friends with benefits thing or F buddy thing, we just kept hanging out like normal.

He told me that he never meant to make me feel like I was someone to sleep with. He truly values my friendship. Every time I try to walk away, he fights for me to stay.

Everything is great when we hang out. We get along and laugh together. We cuddle and tickle each other for hours on end. We have have meaningful conversations. About life, what's going on in his or mine. He tried to teach me to play the guitar. We don't just "do it" to make that clear.

I can't help but develop serious feelings for this guy. I have tried to disconnect myself in that way, but it's almost impossible.

So why am I here? Reaching out for your help.

Lately I have been feeling down about it all. There are things that he does or doesn't do and I'm too afraid to talk about it because I don't want to come off as crazy.

So the last two times we have hung out, he has said that we are "dating". It has been in casual conversation. Like last time I was there he said, "you are the first person I have ever dated that has her own place."

I am thinking in my head, "dating, huh?" I thought you made it very clear to me that we are not dating... and now you say that... confusing.

Other things that bother me. He's best friends with his ex. They dated three years ago. Through high school, but called it quits. Okay. I get that. You guys are close and have been through some things together. She moved a few hours away a few months ago. I felt relief to be honest.

The thing is, EVERY TIME we hang out he brings her up at least once. It bothers me. Example: We went to lunch with his parents the other night and they were asking me if I owned a gun. I said that I do because I am single and live alone. I need protection. He says to his parents, "yea, even (her name) has one."

I was like, "why??" I felt my insides start twisting up all over themselves.

She used to post "soulmate" like things on his FB and I eventually told him that it was bothering me and that if there are still feelings there then he needed to leave me be and be with her. Don't let me get in the way. He said that it's not like that and that they are best friends have each others backs. That's all. So I tried to let it go, but how can I if you talk about her every time we are together?

On to the next...

Last weekend when I was there... okay... he won't kiss me on the lips unless he's really drunk. When we do the dirty, he never kisses me during. LAst weekend we got drunk and did the dirty and he made out with me the whole time. The next day, nothing. We did it again and this time he didn't kiss me at all.

So that night we are laying in his bed cuddling. I have my head on his chest and our faces are right next to each others. I was in the moment and just wanted to kiss him. He saw that my lips were very close to his and he didn't turn his head away. So I went in. I had my hand on the side of his face and kissed him on the lips. He just sat there. Didn't even twitch. So I kissed him again... nothing. He didn't kiss me back. Just sat there stone faced.

I pulled back and said, "it's okay, you don't have to kiss me back." He said he wasn't sure if his breath smelt bad. Lame. -_- Seriously?

He always gives me a kiss on the cheek when I leave, but never on the lips. I woke up one morning and he had kissed me twice on the lips. Sober. I thought maybe I was safe and we were moving to that. Apparently not.

I don't want to keep putting out to a man that doesn't even want to have the intimate kissing from me. It just feels like I'm a field to plow and then we continue hanging out.

My feelings were so hurt and still are.

This whole week that I have been away from him, it has been slowly eating me up inside. I'm embarrassed to say the least. Part of me wants to say something to him about it, but I don't know how. I just want to tell him that my feelings got hurt and that I feel like I crossed a line and did something he didn't want me to do. On the other hand, can you blame me? The man is throwing me mixed signals.

I don't know if I should stay or go. I need help.

If you have any questions, please ask. Just someone please give me some advice. I'm so lost right now.

[used2blue]

You stated it very clear.

You have needs.

You are hurt.

Why should you put out like this.

You know what you want and deserve.

You know the answer.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like the most he can offer is fwb. He can call it whatever he wants but that's how he's treating this. Also an ex in the picture is a red flag. If you can enjoy casual sex and hang outs it sounds great but if you are catching feelings it may be time to observe how he really acts.

[maccerz]

I think bluntness and honesty is the best way to go about giving you advice here. He's just not that into you... if he was, he would be with you. You deserve to be with someone who sees how fantastic you are, who wants to be with you and who is proud to be with you!! Please dont waste anymore time on this guy, he's gonna suck the life out of you. Do you really want to be with someone who you have to beg to commit? That's not how relationships and love should be. You could be missing out on someone amazing because your attention is focused on this guy who is totally wasting your time and emotional energy. Look after yourself xx

[RainyCoast]

it's a fwb, you're following a carrot on a stick, he has no intention of making this a relationship. it's just about providing him comfort. and he's so not done with the ex.

 

you won't like it, but i would suggest you cut all contact so it doesn't rip the scab off your feelings as you heal.

 

i'm so sorry OP. you don't deserve this.

[abitbroken]

Always, always beware of a man who will have sex with you but won't kiss you on the lips. Sex to him to you is sex without emotionally intimacy. He has sprinkled his conversation with "dating" because it throws you a breadcrumb. I think its high time that you assess the situation. Are you okay with this, or do you want a boyfriend? If you do, its time to not go "hang out". hang out with a female friend or a cousin. And stop doing this to yourself.

[abitbroken]

BTW, people don't "make friends" on Tinder. Its not like you met in a book club and it turned into more. He was on Tinder to find someone to screw. You are worth WAY more than this. You are very loyal but spend it on a guy that's worth it. You have more to offer someone else.

[Hollyj]

You are a convenience. You are pleasant, fun to be with and easy sex. Nothing more. If you want a relationship, then he is not the one, as he does not see a future with you.

 

My question: why don't you think you deserve more than this? it 's time to move on from this, and not have any sort of contact. This man is not your friend!

[Annia]

I don't mean to sound harsh but... he's having his cake and eating it too. However he's told you and shown you that this is just a fwb arrangement to him. I know this hurts but you need to accept this reality. It doesn't matter if he treats you like a girlfriend and does everything with you, if he can't clearly and without a doubt commit to you then it's NOT a relationship. He has your companionship and sex while at the same time he doesn't have to commit and can be with another woman if he well pleases. It'll be painful if one day he moves on to someone else and in his mind it'll be fine because "he told you so and shown you that you weren't in a committed relation". Keep in mind that not all FWB arrangements include sex and then dressing up and leaving immediately. Many FWBs act like boyfriend and girlfriend for the most part, except that they're NOT. This is comfortable for him while he doesn't find someone he wants to be in a relationship with. If he wanted one with you he'd already have it. You're making it easier for him to have what he wants with minimum effort and no emotional investment.

 

I know this is hard but now it's YOUR choice to either:

 

a) Cut your losses and leave him for good because he'll never give you what you need and you'll keep on feeling this is an incomplete relationship and wanting more... you'll also keep on feeling insecure and hoping that one day you'll have a relationship with him (and you don't know how long this waiting will last or if he'll ever want you as a girlfriend). You'll feel bad everytime he doesn't kiss you (it seems that he does that so that you don't think you're in a relationship) and read into everything he says. If you leave him it's better to ask him for time and space and then NC all the way.

 

b) You accept that this is FWB and it's all it's ever going to be and you act accordingly seeing him as a sex buddy who is also a friend and company. You are free to meet other men and going to dates with them meanwhile because you both are not in a committed relationship. You detach from him romantically and see him for what he is.