Would it be a good idea to cut friends out of my life?

[Matto85]

I just constantly feel like the beta. I'm not walking toe to toe with barely anyone in my life. I'm not in a spot where I want to present myself to other people. Have any of you temporarily shut people out of your lives to be on your own for a while?

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered that you may be an introvert and having a large posse of friends in tow is not for you? If you have a rich life as far as work, interests, hobbies, activities, etc., then don't worry about it. You have to be your own benchmark and not compare yourself to others. Sure, I think that's part of why vacations are so relaxing, you're away from everyone and the usual bull, haha.

[thornz]

I just constantly feel like the beta. I'm not walking toe to toe with barely anyone in my life. I'm not in a spot where I want to present myself to other people. Have any of you temporarily shut people out of your lives to be on your own for a while?

 

No I think it's extremely unhealthy to just cut yourself off from society because you feel inferior. It would be more beneficial to work on your self esteem and stop comparing yourself to others. Just because others present themselves in the best light doesn't mean it's all gravy for them.

[Hollyj]

Have you sought counseling?

 

Really unhealthy to shut yourself off. Deal with the problem.

[saluk]

Cut out toxic people? Yes. Cut out all people? Don't do this. It will most likely reinforce those negative feelings and make it even harder to interact with people.

[RainyCoast]

i am concerned with your stated reason for contemplating temporary isolation, i.e. "constantly feeling like the beta".

 

friendships are not competitions or power see-saws of the alphas and subpars.

 

if your friends are obsessed with dominance and insist on establishing it by purposefully putting you down, get new ones. johnny bravos are exhausting bores, i would lose their numbers.

 

if your friends are neutral and you're tortured by your perception of yourself as a beta, stop to think of ways you could expand your perception of human interaction to transcend the unhelpful conceptualizations of them as being power struggles or ranking systems before you unnecessarily rid yourself of appreciative ppl without actually solving your problem (i.e. your perception of relational dynamics and your self-perception).

 

other than that, i believe in occasional retreats for the purpose of recharging and when undergoing intense psychological "maintenance work" which leaves one too preoccupied with introspection to invest as much as would be necessary into others. it simply needs to not be excessive, and done tactfully, preferably by explaining to friends they are not being ignored or have done anything to cause a temporary silence, but that one simply is in need of being a meditative hermit until the next waxing moon or whatever.

 

ditching people because you believe yourself unfit to match up is unhealthy, and it likely wouldn't be temporary because it doesn't resolve the underlying sense of shame- a frequent and brutal cause of alienation. unless you spend your hiatus in therapy, that would help, sooner or later, if your motive for disconnection is ineed a personal complex.

 

worth first being honest with yourself about this one. don't burn any bridges before you know why you are really considering it.

[RainyCoast]

who came up with the beta thing btw, tell them rainy wants to "talk". smh.

[catfeeder]

Try seeing select friends one on one instead of always as a group. The whole dynamic is different. Going off to hole up might sound seductive, but isolation only amplifies problems and doesn't build any resiliency in rolling through them. Are you in school? If so, have you considered that mental health counseling on campus is already paid for as part of your tuition?

[Matto85]

Thank you so much for listening everyone, it's much appreciated more than you know. Maybe I should see counseling. Idk if I'm doing ok anymore. The last year I've been just a little sad and kinda lonely. Then out of nowhere I met this girl and she's been the best thing to happen to me all year. It was great to have a companion in her and for a short time it felt great to be me. I screwed that up and now she's living with someone, and now I'm sadder even than I've been in a long time, having to go back to being lonely and feeling less than. Anyway, thanks so much again for listening.

[Matto85]

But on a positive note, I'm not gonna cut the well meaning people who happen to be doing better out of my life. I thought about it and I need these people to challenge me and push me to do better. I started working out again and I've lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks, thanks to one friend who made me feel tired of being out of shape.

[catfeeder]

Thank you so much for listening everyone, it's much appreciated more than you know. Maybe I should see counseling. Idk if I'm doing ok anymore. The last year I've been just a little sad and kinda lonely. Then out of nowhere I met this girl and she's been the best thing to happen to me all year. It was great to have a companion in her and for a short time it felt great to be me. I screwed that up and now she's living with someone, and now I'm sadder even than I've been in a long time, having to go back to being lonely and feeling less than. Anyway, thanks so much again for listening.

 

All of us go through lousy times after a breakup, and sometimes for a long time. Grief is natural. Research '5 stages of grief' and understand that these aren't neat and linear stages that we can use to measure our way progress grief, but rather, they're a mish-mosh of cycles that overlap and return until we've worked them through. Counselors are trained in helping people do this, and rather than just using one to vent and stay stuck there, ask for homework and constructive steps you can take to 'problem solve' your way beyond grief toward an actual state of happiness.

 

Our self talk sets the tone for healing, OR it can drill you into a deeper hole to climb out of. You get to pick. That's a decision we all make every. single. day.

 

I worked with a coach on my job who taught us that it takes 21 days to change a habit, so I chose to change the critical voice I run in my own head. I shifted my self talk from judgmental and negative to the voice of an inspiring coach. I adopted simple mantras that I'd say under my breath continually, like, "I can do this..." Or, "I'm getting better at this..."

 

But on a positive note, I'm not gonna cut the well meaning people who happen to be doing better out of my life. I thought about it and I need these people to challenge me and push me to do better. I started working out again and I've lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks, thanks to one friend who made me feel tired of being out of shape.

 

Good. Comparisons with others that imagine everyone else as fabulous while you're a worm aren't useful. Either use them as inspiration or skip them. Nobody owns more value than anyone else, we're all just ahead in different areas. I'd make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from grief over losing one girl. We've all had our heart broken, most of us multiple times. We've all survived it. The difference is, we each get to decide whether our experiences will make us stronger, or whether they will stagnate us and make our world smaller. It's a decision.

 

Head high.