Have I done something wrong/Should I feel guilty

[Findingnemo94]

So i've been dating this guy for about 2 months now. On the first date he did casually mention that if i saw other guys he would be upset and it would be a deal breaker. I said i wanted to take things slow and not force it. Anyway..he's been very hot and cold like not texting me for 2 to 3 days at a time and then randomly popping up but seeming normal e.g. 'Hope you've had a good day' etc and he's spoke about me going to see him soon. Anyway, since the last date I didnt hear from him for 3 days roughly so I decided to get back on tinder and messaged a few random guys. I took a guys number and was chatting to him, I found out they were in the same line of work and deleted the app instantly and told him I wasn't interested. Since then I've been feeling seriously guilty because he has been chatting away to me like normal e.g. 'Hope you're having a good day' 'How's your week going etc' but I feel as though the relationship is not moving forward in anyway and kinda unsure where we both stand. But, I do feel horrifically guilty for going back on the site and whenever I chat to another guy and I'm really scared he finds out and never speaks to me again (I have horrible anxiety issues). Why is this? What shall I do?

 

In the first few weeks he also said he only wanted to see me not other girls. That was a while back now though and nothing else has been mentioned of it since. Really don't know how to move the relationship forward or ask what is going on without seeming needy.

 

thanks

[Purusha]

Nope, you've done nothing wrong - however, I would if I were you think about what you wanted (outside of what he wants) to see whether or not it's compatible.

 

There are some things which would be red flags for me - his push and pull behaviour for instance, this sometimes happens if someone's trying to keep you 'on the hook' - waiting for the next bit of attention that he gives you, this could be manipulative, or he could be a bad texter, but my feeling is that this is manipulative. Given that your instinct is telling you that he's being hot and cold though, I'd be more inclined to go with your feeling on it as it is more likely to be manipulative.

 

You feel guilty because you've broken his 'rule' - be aware of your own boundaries rather than adjusting yourself to the needs and desires of other people, follow your own feelings and desires and you won't go far wrong. You didn't say whether or not you made it clear to him whether you wanted to see other people or not, and this is indicative of a lack of boundaries - there's nothing wrong with what you want, however if it's not what he wants you might not be right for each other right now, and that's ok.

 

A lack of boundaries can make you susceptible to more controlling partners, so it might be an idea to work on those to give you a stronger sense of who you are and what you want, and to be able to express and live that fully - that way you'll find a partner who is truely compatible with you, and not someone that you have to change yourself to fit.

[Findingnemo94]

I have been in a really abusive relationship before, it ended up in a court case etc. I am just really confused whether he is maniuplative, or just a bad communicator. I get a gut feeling that hes trying to manipulate me e.g. he will only reply and talk when HE wants, and everything is on his terms. If i don't speak to him first or for a while he will be like 'is everything ok' 'why are you not talking to me etc'. He is even hot and cold in person like one minute very affectionate and then the next very stand offish. I don't know what to do because I do really like him but yes youre right it does feel maniuplative (but at the same time I don't want to arrive at the wrong conclusion). How do you deal with someone like this? Shall I ask him where this is headed or just leave it?

[DancingFool]

Everything you describe so far is a giant red flag about this guy. Honestly, someone telling that kind of stuff so early on would make me laugh and send him packing. It's not a sign of interest or caring, it's usually a sign of insecurities, control, and manipulation. Things you should be running away from screaming.

 

I am not surprised at all that you have been in an abusive relationship, but I am very concerned that you are being pulled into yet another potentially abusive, definitely already unbalanced situation yet again. This is where you trust your instincts, set aside the "I like him" and actually run. Stop dating for a bit and figure out what attracts you to these losers. Something with your picker needs to be seriously recalibrated.

[Findingnemo94]

Why can't I seem to ignore the red flags? So much interest early on, saying it would upset him if i dated other guys (he kept saying he wants to know where he stood) randomly dissapearing and then popping up every now and again, making future promises (e.g. he'll move to where I am in the future, or that we will go on holiday etc) yet he shows me so little attention when he is away from me It just makes me go, what the ?

 

How do you deal with this? Do you just walk away?

[Purusha]

I would go with your gut here, given your history I'm not entirely surprised as these things do tend to follow us around until we're able to see what we're doing and sort the issues out.

 

Personally I would end it with him and use the time to work on myself, there's a reason that you keep attracting partners like this so to stop the cycle you need to deal with the issues.

 

Ok, so this might be a bit long but there are generally common threads as to why this happens and there are ways that you can deal with it - see if any of this resonates with you.

 

A lot of people grow up in households where as children they're told that their feelings are not their feelings (ie, you don't feel angry, don't be so silly - or, 'you should feel happy to have what you have, there are kids everywhere who are starving - you're so ungrateful'), they're told that their thoughts are insignificant (I don't care what you want, I can't do everything - you're so selfish, do as you're told).

 

What a lot of children do is then 'mould' themselves into their parents appropriate view of what is lovable - the child that only has feelings that are acceptable, who is overly helpful, who agrees with anything that is asked of them and doesn't seem to need much of anything to keep them happy and keep them in line.

 

There is the other extreme where kids will rebel, they learn that they can't rely on anyone around them and so they 'take' what they need, they become rebellious and they are the 'problem' kids - screaming for attention and manipulating their way to get what they want.

 

I suspect that you grew up more in line with the first example?

 

The problems that we tend to come across when we're like this is that we learn that we're not entitled to our feelings, thoughts and desires - they become the definition of what makes us a 'bad' person so we have a great deal of difficulty expressing our feelings, speaking our thoughts and asking for what we want in the full knowledge that it's right and good that we can do so.

 

When we're an adult, these lack of boundaries, confidence issues and self esteem are transmitted to others through body language (for instance you can spot an empathetic person in conversation because they'll invariably have their heads tilted whilst listening and mirroring their conversatioin partner), conversations will also give it away by someone being apologetic of themselves, uncertain in terms of saying what they think and feel, and never disagreeing wherever possible.

 

The potential partners that line up with this will be more of the narcissistic type because they look for someone who has no boundaries and give way all of the time (and of course, doesn't object because they don't feel that they can), so that they can get what they want. Narcissists generally want attention and subservience because they feel a lack of importance and attention themselves, so their ideal partner is someone who will make them feel important and give them attention whenever they want it.

 

Enter you, stage left. (And many more of us, don't worry you are not alone.)

 

The way to deal with this is to resolve the issues that you have of disallowing your own feelings and thoughts, and expressing them so that you can get a greater sense of who you are, develop confidence in expressing that and therefore attract a partner who wants someone who is able to be fully themselves and will respect your boundaries.

 

Sometimes we need to go back into our past to look at our childhoods in order to do this and heal the wounds and move on to get to know ourselves once again.

 

There's a great lady called Lisa Romano on youtube who deals with narcissistic abuse that you might find useful and is a good starting point - there are a lot of videos on staying in your own centre, developing your own sense of self and therefore being able to have better relationships so I'd definitely recommend her as there's a lot of useful stuff on there.

 

In the meantime, trust your feelings - they're your indication that you're off course.

 

I hope some of that has helped, good luck to you.

[DancingFool]

Why can't I seem to ignore the red flags? So much interest early on, saying it would upset him if i dated other guys (he kept saying he wants to know where he stood) randomly dissapearing and then popping up every now and again, making future promises (e.g. he'll move to where I am in the future, or that we will go on holiday etc) yet he shows me so little attention when he is away from me It just makes me go, what the ?

 

How do you deal with this? Do you just walk away?

 

Yes! You walk away. You do not ignore red flags. You do not ignore that little voice that is telling you this guy is crap. You most certainly do not fall for some rom com bs lines about future talk when in reality all you are getting is hot/cold and territorial bs about how you better not be still out looking or else. Do you realize that he actually threatened you and even though you don't know him at all, you fell right for it and are now scared to upset him? That's actually typical abuse victim psychology - I'm not happy, but must walk on eggshells so he doesn't get mad because I think I can control that....but you can't. He is already controlling you. Yes, you absolutely walk away without a word. In your case you actually quietly block him and disappear so he can't sweet talk you and manipulate back into things. You are obviously very prone to that.

 

Look for man who is balanced, will not tell a stranger they are instantly exclusive, will do what he says and say what he does, in other words a man who is true to his word. You should never ever date a man who starts off your relationship with a threat.

[Wiseman2]

How often are you seeing each other in person? How are the dates? Have you decided to date exclusively or are you both dating others?

 

It sounds more like you are both multidating and he's got you in a holding pattern with random sporadic nonsense texts. If he's not planning regular dates he's not that interested.

 

Have the exclusive talk if that's what you want and if you are having sex. But then be exclusive and don't jump on apps every time you're upset he doesn't text enough. Cut back on the nonsense 'have a nice day' texts.

2 months now. since the last date I didnt hear from him for 3 days roughly so I decided to get back on tinder and messaged a few random guys. he has been chatting away to me like normal e.g. 'Hope you're having a good day' 'How's your week going etc'

[Findingnemo94]

Wow. Yes I grew up in a family where I was never really allowed to be upset and if i was upset about somethign that I was to 'grow up' and to 'get a grip'. Things like that. So I never really expressed my emotions properly. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells with him and have to be very careful with what I say. The logical part of my brain is saying walk away but then the emotionally abused side of my brain is saying 'give him the benefit of the doubt, he is probably busy, and does care for you a lot it's not fair to cut him out of your life so soon'. But you are right, he is randomly striging me along with little 'have a nice day' texts. I want to walk away but I don't know how and feel like there is no one else who will show me that much love at the start. Its like he was a totally different person at the start ringing me every single day and complaining when I wanted to hang up because he wanted to hear me and now I barley get anything. How do you walk away?! I Feel like being in an abusive relationship is better than being alone for some reason.

[Purusha]

Wow. Yes I grew up in a family where I was never really allowed to be upset and if i was upset about somethign that I was to 'grow up' and to 'get a grip'. Things like that. So I never really expressed my emotions properly. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells with him and have to be very careful with what I say. The logical part of my brain is saying walk away but then the emotionally abused side of my brain is saying 'give him the benefit of the doubt, he is probably busy, and does care for you a lot it's not fair to cut him out of your life so soon'. But you are right, he is randomly striging me along with little 'have a nice day' texts. I want to walk away but I don't know how and feel like there is no one else who will show me that much love at the start. Its like he was a totally different person at the start ringing me every single day and complaining when I wanted to hang up because he wanted to hear me and now I barley get anything. How do you walk away?! I Feel like being in an abusive relationship is better than being alone for some reason.

 

The issue often becomes that when we grow up like this, being treated like our feelings are insignificant, praised when we treat ourselves badly in order to please someone else, that this becomes our definition of love - we don't recognise anything else, and if we do, it can just become a defense rather than healing the original wound and moving forward after building confidence.

 

Ok, so for the moment what you're lacking is the feeling that you have a choice - this again is perfectly normal, when we get a choice of 'behave in a certain way to get love', or, 'do what you want and listen to how you feel and face rejection and isolation' - which do you think most people will choose? This isn't a conscious choice, this is something that's been drilled into you - and that choice also isn't true, it's what you've been set up to believe.

 

I have a few suggestions that might help:

 

1. What would be bad about telling him what you think and what you feel? (In terms of how it would be bad for you, not in terms of how it would be bad for him.)

2. What would it look like to tell him what you think and what you feel? (In terms of how it would look like to you, how it affects you, not him.)

3. What does it mean to you to tell him what you think and what you feel? (In terms of what it means to you, not your interpretation of what it means to him.)

 

Be really honest in your answers (you don't need to write them here btw, just wherever and however you want to) - then question them, are your assumptions true or false?

 

For instance, if you feel that it would be bad to tell him what you think and feel because you will be rejected, how is this true? If you can prove it's true, why is that a bad thing and why is that a good thing?

 

Question it all and it will tell you what your motivations are underneath your fears and worries.

 

This exercise should show you that you have choice, the lack of choice is an illusion - you're just making a choice on what you feel would get you love and what would not, and it should challenge those beliefs.

 

After that, if you do want to walk away, all you have to do is tell him - express it, talk about it, tell him what you want and what you don't want - I know this can sound scary when you've been trained to do the opposite, just take it one step at a time.

[DancingFool]

Wow. Yes I grew up in a family where I was never really allowed to be upset and if i was upset about somethign that I was to 'grow up' and to 'get a grip'. Things like that. So I never really expressed my emotions properly. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells with him and have to be very careful with what I say. The logical part of my brain is saying walk away but then the emotionally abused side of my brain is saying 'give him the benefit of the doubt, he is probably busy, and does care for you a lot it's not fair to cut him out of your life so soon'. But you are right, he is randomly striging me along with little 'have a nice day' texts. I want to walk away but I don't know how and feel like there is no one else who will show me that much love at the start. Its like he was a totally different person at the start ringing me every single day and complaining when I wanted to hang up because he wanted to hear me and now I barley get anything. How do you walk away?! I Feel like being in an abusive relationship is better than being alone for some reason.

 

That's the thing - it's not love and somehow you have to start understanding that that kind of behavior that he did is not love at all. It's not what love looks like. What you consider love is more like bait to get you trapped in a bad situation. How do you walk away? Easily - block his info. Done. As for not finding someone else....I mean come on, how long did it take you to start talking to that other guy? There are always more guys who will be interested.

 

As for sorting it all out - your feelings, how to feel whole single, how to get beyond your past and away from bad relationship so you can have the happy life that you crave, consider counseling and therapy. When abuse feels comfortable, you do need to get some professional help to correct that.

[Annia]

You didn't do anything wrong because you're not in a relationship with him. I'm not sure I like his "possessiveness", especially so early on, but I can't access anything else just by this post. I'd say go slowly like you said, be attentive to redflags and check if his hot and cold behaviour is ok or not. It's ok not to put all your eggs in this basket in the early dating stages before there's a committed relationship agreed by both parties.

 

It's important to address your insecurities and anxiety issues, maybe therapy? However I'd say it's not needy to ask for what you want or ask someone where the relationship stands. You shouldn't be afraid of having a voice and asking for what you'd like. Of course that after you do so you must be willing to accept the answer that comes to you or the "no" that can come from that. But I'd say to never be afraid of asking and not to think about what you'll seem by asking so. You have the right to know where you stand.

[SooSad33]

I have been in a really abusive relationship before, it ended up in a court case etc. I am just really confused whether he is maniuplative, or just a bad communicator. I get a gut feeling that hes trying to manipulate me e.g. he will only reply and talk when HE wants, and everything is on his terms. If i don't speak to him first or for a while he will be like 'is everything ok' 'why are you not talking to me etc'. He is even hot and cold in person like one minute very affectionate and then the next very stand offish. I don't know what to do because I do really like him but yes youre right it does feel maniuplative (but at the same time I don't want to arrive at the wrong conclusion). How do you deal with someone like this? Shall I ask him where this is headed or just leave it?

 

I say walk... I'm sure you do not see this being successful for you.

 

Next time.. maybe just ignore his 'text attempts'.. on how you're doing etc. He's not very promising or holding a healthy interest.

 

Im sure he'll get over it.. an also move on.

[ParisPaulette]

On the first date he did casually mention that if i saw other guys he would be upset and it would be a deal breaker.

 

Yes. you did something wrong - you didn't dump him on the spot when on a first date he demanded you be exclusive to him and only him. Red flag city, that one. You didn't even know this guy, why on earth would you ever agree to that? And all I see is that he has never told you openly he's not seeing anyone, and that he is free to come and go as he pleases, but god forbid if you shouldn't be available right the very second he decides to contact you.

 

Controlling and I would guess you're part of a harem and he's just the guy who wants the cookie jar all to himself.

 

Please dump this guy and don't look back. The only thing you've done wrong is think one date means you hand the keys to your entire life over to someone you barely know and let them make demands with no equal treatment and return to you.

 

This is how it's done. You date, you see others too, you tell them if they demand off the bat that you not see anyone else that it's goodbye because you don't know them and they don't have that right. And you see people and when one of them treats you well, makes an effort, you do the same, there are no weirdnesses or red flags or hot/cold anything then and only then do you agree to be exclusive.

 

So seriously, block and delete this guy. Get some self-esteem. People can't make demands that you sit on a shelf waiting around for them whenever they feel like it. That's called slavery, not a relationship.

[SherrySher]

This thread is a repeat and you've already asked these questions and have gotten some great advice.

[catfeeder]

On the first date he did casually mention that if i saw other guys he would be upset and it would be a deal breaker.

 

This is all I'd need to hear on a FIRST DATE to 'next' him.