Men, would this offend you?

[greta96]

I have been seeing someone for a couple months and recently I felt I was ready to take things to the next level (sex). He would have wanted it from the beginning, but I like to take my time with things like this. We were physical a few times before, just short of sex.

So at the end of our last makeout session, I asked him if he was comfortable getting tested before going any further. He has had a very large number of partners, and the last one ended only days before we got together.

Well, he got offended and got weird and cold. He did later on say that if we get to that point he might consider it, but clearly he isn't happy about it. I haven't spoken to him since, so I have no idea where I stand, if I'll hear from him again, or if this was such a turn-off that now he's done with me.

He knows my history and that I tend to get tested repeatedly after relationships, and that I have papers with the results.

 

So now I'm wondering, was my idea that outrageous? I thought it was common sense, but I guess I am losing him over it? Is asking prospective partners to get tested offensive?

 

PS - we are not exclusive and probably won't be

[indea08]

It's not offensive, it's smart. Apparently he's more of a "hope for the best" type of person, and is really being very childish in getting upset over this. Bravo to you for being responsible!

[greta96]

It's not offensive, it's smart. Apparently he's more of a "hope for the best" type of person, and is really being very childish in getting upset over this. Bravo to you for being responsible!

 

Thank you, I thought it was being smart too, but look what it got me... Now I know that testing does squat for some major STDs such as HPV, which ironically can be the deadliest, but still... I was really hoping he'd be on the same page as me, knowing about my hypochondria.

I wonder if this will be a deal breaker for him.

[Knight2001]

i dont think that's offensive.

[Keyman]

I don't think it is offensive to ask such. I have asked some of my previous female partners and non ehave ever been offended either. It's just good healthy.

 

Perhaps it's best not to ask just before, during or at the end of a make out session though - Serious buzzkill.

 

That he is offended and has disappeared I would suggest means he can get easier targets instead of going through all the hurdles you are putting up.

[charity]

I don't think its offensive.

 

But I'm wondering if you mentioned the fact that he has been in lots of relationship and so that why you feel its very necessary (as opposed to it being necessary regardless?

 

If you did mention that, it may be that that offended him.

[Coily]

I've been asked this and asked it myself, just cuts down on the oh crap moments later.

 

I will agree with Keyman that maybe it was the timing, but to be dark this long isn't just a Red Flag, it's the Soviets storming the Reichstag level Red Flag. He could also be living in denial and wants to avoid the truth of a potential STD.

[greta96]

I don't think its offensive.

 

But I'm wondering if you mentioned the fact that he has been in lots of relationship and so that why you feel its very necessary (as opposed to it being necessary regardless?

 

If you did mention that, it may be that that offended him.

 

No, I didn't mention that, I didn't single him out. Afterwards I explained that I think testing is very important and that I always test myself after relationships (no matter who they were with).

[greta96]

I don't think it is offensive to ask such. I have asked some of my previous female partners and non ehave ever been offended either. It's just good healthy.

 

Perhaps it's best not to ask just before, during or at the end of a make out session though - Serious buzzkill.

 

That he is offended and has disappeared I would suggest means he can get easier targets instead of going through all the hurdles you are putting up.

 

I suppose it must have been a buzzkill, but really, when is a good time to bring up such conversation? Do you think he will bounce back from this? Yes, he does have many other much easier options, that much I know for sure.

[DancingFool]

It's not offensive and quite common. His rather immature response would bother me.....in a tip of the iceberg kind of way.

 

However, what struck out at me is that you say he sleeps around, you are not exclusive and not likely to be.....so what's the point of asking? A negative test today means nothing in this situation and doesn't guarantee for you that he is actually clean. Then there is also the time factor - some things take time to show up. I guess what I'm getting at is be sure you are keeping things safe early on regardless of test results and don't give yourself a false sense of safety with them.

[greta96]

Oh for sure the protection would always be there... and I'd get myself tested regularly.

I just find it difficult to believe that he may see my attempt at protecting my health as an insult to him, and potentially as a deal breaker. I thought it was just common sense, especially in a non-exclusive situation like ours.

[Dahl]

I heartily second the others - this is not offensive, it is absolutely smart.

 

Did he act offended or are you just trying to get a bead on his reaction, in general?

 

My only mild concern here is that if he was offended - actually offended and not, say, caught off guard or perhaps taken aback, it might be a possible red flag in that he may be unreasonably valuing his ego/reputation over his partner's well-being and peace of mind.

 

I think that you did the right thing without question. Good luck.

[melancholy123]

If he was offended I think he's a jerk. So if he dumps you it's probably for the best.

[thealchemist]

Would like to add that it isn't wrong to ask that, it's smart. I've known a few guys that acted that way before and 3 out of 4 had herpes. So even doing stuff that's not directly sex could have ramifications. Be very careful.

[Quidam]

I usually am the one to bring it hope and I have no faith in people I barely know

[greta96]

I heartily second the others - this is not offensive, it is absolutely smart.

 

Did he act offended or are you just trying to get a bead on his reaction, in general?

 

My only mild concern here is that if he was offended - actually offended and not, say, caught off guard or perhaps taken aback, it might be a possible red flag in that he may be unreasonably valuing his ego/reputation over his partner's well-being and peace of mind.

 

I think that you did the right thing without question. Good luck.

 

He told me himself the next day that he had felt offended, which is why he had reacted that way. Clearly he's not all that concerned about STDs or maybe even educated enough about them (while I, being hypochondriac, know maybe too much about them).

[Wiseman2]

Then testing seems silly. Say he presents a battery of tests. Then you have sex, then he has sex with someone else, then you have sex again falsely believing you are "safe".

 

Condoms are your best bet for reducing risk of some stds if you are not exclusive and with a guy who gets around this much.

we are not exclusive and probably won't be

[SherrySher]

You were absolutely right, Greta. I feel it makes perfect sense to make sure that a new partner does not have any kind of STD. Condoms break and AIDS is still very much real as is all the rest of the STD's.

 

You are doing the right thing in taking care of yourself and making sure any new partners are tested and clean. I wished more people thought like you and were responsible like you. If they were, the numbers of

 

STD's being passed around would go down drastically.

 

If this man is offended, so be it. You did the right thing and any smart woman should be doing the same.

[Annia]

I don't think it's offensive at all. It shows that you're a mature and responsible person. I'd probably not ask him during/right after the makeout session though... not because of being "offensive", but because I'd feel awkward asking while we're both so excited making out lol

 

Even if he ends up being tested and everything is alright, it's important to use condom at least until you both are in a committed stable relationship and are willing to be tested 1 or 2 times a year. Also some diseases take longer time to show up in exams, and given the fact that he had another relationship a short while ago, a negative test now could not be accurate.

 

But yeah, I think he overreacted and had a very immature response to your question.

[Wolfshook]

No, I would not be offended and would actually like a girl to be tested too. It's clever and nothing uncommon.

[hyden]

He told me himself the next day that he had felt offended, which is why he had reacted that way. Clearly he's not all that concerned about STDs or maybe even educated enough about them (while I, being hypochondriac, know maybe too much about them).

 

Cleary you found a deal breaker with this one. I have never been asked that, but I would not have been offended. If he really wanted to fool around with you, he would run the next Quest Diagnostics.

[ParisPaulette]

It's only offensive if you're hiding something. Run, do not walk for the nearest exit, because this is the guy who will give you something. When my now husband and I were dating we both got tested before we started sleeping together, shared the tests, then had a great time.

 

My then not yet husband did not get offended, he was relieved, because he'd been wondering how he was going to ask me that. So no, someone who has nothing to hide won't get offended. And prior to him none of the men I had relationships with got offended, although a few players did and they got dropped immediately for it, because it's a massive red flag.

 

Plus anyone who gets offended over you wanting to protect your health, and yes theirs too, just needs to step off and not come back. He doesn't want to get the testing, because he knows he has something to hide - either now or in the future. Block and delete and move on.

[anicole]

Smart call, something is up with the guy.

[saluk]

Yes, it offends me. That he was weird about getting tested.

[Wiseman2]

Agree 100%. Starting out an exclusive relationship with clean tests is great but not being exclusive may invalidate any clean tests if people are sleeping around.

 

To be honest he may not be the best sex partner. What about something like exclusive fwb so at least you can agreed not to spread diseases around after both being tested ?.

Even if he ends up being tested and everything is alright, it's important to use condom at least until you both are in a committed stable relationship and are willing to be tested 1 or 2 times a year. Also some diseases take longer time to show up in exams, and given the fact that he had another relationship a short while ago, a negative test now could not be accurate