BF is constantly stressed, I am unhappy, what should I do?

[cherrytree17]

Hello.

I've been mulling over our current situation for a while, but have not been able to resolve it - so I'm turning to you. Maybe someone can offer me a bit of advice ...

I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We're both pretty young still, but we're absolutely in love with each other. We adore each other, look out for each other, only want the best for each other. We finally want to get married in two years.

 

But recently, things have been going downhill. I suffer from depression and cry easily, and because he is stressed at work, he becomes easily annoyed with me when he's home and that's hard on me. He lashes out verbally, raises his voice and is short tempered. He apologises immediately but I am just not used to him being like this, and don't know how to handle it. When I talk to him about it, he says I'm being unfair - that he isn't perfect and can't always be an angel. Well okay, but he is like this constantly. In the mornings, he rushes to work and has no time to talk to me, and in the evenings, when he's back, he just wants to eat and watch TV in peace. I don't like watching TV, but I usually sit with him and rub his back or just hold him. I do love him so much, but I feel a bit lonely because he's in his head so much and occupied by work mentally.

 

A few weeks ago, I asked him for a puppy. We already have a dog, which is older, but I'd like a puppy that I can teach and play with more - and dote on and cuddle when he's not there. He flat-out said no. He likes dogs, but he thinks I'm being stupid and just want to mend our failing relationship with something cute and cuddly. He thinks I'd have less time for him then. He would actually be jealous of a puppy. I don't know what to do. He isn't with me for most of the day and I wish I had something tiny to take care of. He doesn't get that at all.

 

I'm just a bit lost here. Is my wish for a puppy really that irrational? It wouldn't even concern him much, like I said, he is barely home. And his obvious jealousy is off-putting. When he's home, he's my number 1. I just feel like I should be "allowed" to have a few wishes of my own in life.

[MissCanuck]

The puppy isn't the real issue. But for what it's worth, I agree that it's not a good idea right now. There are bigger concerns to address and adding a new animal (which brings more responsibilities and more expenses) isn't wise at this time.

 

Did he actually use the phrase "failing relationship" when he assumed that's the reason you want a puppy? That jumped out at me. You say you two are very in love, but there seem to be a lot of problems and a lack of communication and mutual investment. You are giving a lot, it seems, but what are you receiving? It almost as though he is shutting himself off from you, which isn't good. I think you two need to have a very honest talk about whether he still wants to be in the relationship.

 

Are you receiving any help for your depression? Also, are you working/studying? I am just trying to get a sense of the bigger context, as I sense a lot of resentment on his end and I'm trying to sort out where it's coming from.

[cherrytree17]

Yeah, I feel that way too. I just don't know what the actual issue is. Something is wrong but I can't pinpoint it. Of course a puppy wouldn't "fix" anything, and yeah, it would be an extra strain too. It just makes me sad that he won't allow it.

 

He did say "failing relationship" a few nights ago, but he took it back. He is deathly afraid I'll leave him now because he won't allow a puppy and that's so crazy to me. I love him. I'm not gonna leave him because of this. But he is constantly afraid I will. I don't know where that comes from.

 

I currently don't feel like I'm receiving much, no. He says he loves me unconditionally and no matter what, but it doesn't feel like it's enough sometimes because his actions and words don't match up. And that hurts. I wish he'd be nicer to me, like he used to be. But he says that's unfair of me. When he gets annoyed and I cry, he shuts down emotionally because he feels my tears are manipulative. I tried explaining that I just cry easily and he should just hold me or something, but he feels like I'm crying to hurt him. He says he is just trying to give me the best life possible and my tears make him feel like he's an a** when he knows he's not.

 

I try talking to him often, but because he is so easily annoyed, I can't really argue with him. He gets loud and tells me I'm putting all the blame on him. And that it's wrong of me because he is the best ever and loves me.

 

I dunno. I feel like he IS being an a** , sometimes. I wish we could just have an argument and hash it out, but it hurts us so much.

 

I'm in therapy, but it isn't helping much. Also taking medication, which is making life a bit easier. I've gone from sleeping all day and constantly crying to at least functioning properly. I had to leave my job because of chronic pain at the end of last year, and have been unemployed since then. Working on finding a training currently. My boyfriend thinks I should just work and I'll feel better, but he also wants me to find a good training and he's somewhat supportive in that regard. I wish I could just work, to be honest, but my mental state isn't the best. But I'm getting there.

 

--

edit: We turned both our lives around to be with each other. We cut off contact with (abusive) family members and friends, moved to a different city and pooled our money to rent a beautiful place. We both desperately want this relationship to work because it feels like we belong with each other.

[jujusamples]

As I was reading your thread and response, I see "co-dependency". You stay home all day and just waiting for him to come home. He goes to work comes home and all he sees is you. It's not healthy. You need interaction with other people.

 

You could find a hobby or join a club of some sort so you do other things then just to be around him. You are depending a lot on him and you are also giving in a lot to him.

 

I suffer from major depression and have been off work for a while. I didn't start feeling better until the day I got up and do things. I seriously sat at home depress for a long time. I joined group therapy and interacted with other's in the same situation as me. That helped. I love working out, so I joined a gym, so I could get out of the house. I force myself to see friends and family so I have outside interactions other than my husband.

 

I could tell you, depression is not only tough on you, but it's also tough on your boyfriend. My husband tries his best to work around me at first. Then he just decided to go to some of my therapy sessions, just so he could have a clear understanding of how to handle this. That works a great deal.

 

You just need to find a hobby, since you like dogs, you could volunteer at an animal shelter? Something to have other interactions and that will help make you happy. Also, you and your boyfriend could try couple's counselling? It is unhealthy how you two are so isolated from the world. It will just continue to go in a downward spiral and it will just explode due in time.

[cherrytree17]

Yeah, feels that way to me too. I used to have friends that I saw every once in a while but even though my boyfriend denied it, he hated that I spent time with them - taking that time away from the time I spent with him. But they work too and I could only see them in the evenings. But then I couldn't spent the evenings with him. After a while, I decided that he was more important than other people, and stopped going out.

 

I really miss my friends and having people around me. I'm super lonely. I actually tried working at an animal shelter here, but the bus fare to get there is super expensive (other end of the city) and I don't have that much money. There's a zoo around the corner and I applied for a position there but they said the work is too demanding for someone with chronic pain. I'll try going to a gym too, though. That's a good idea.

 

He gets very unhappy when I'm not with him when he's home. And he would never get counselling with me.

The thing is, he doesn't understand how I can miss other people. He says I'm all he needs to be happy and he doesn't get that it can't be the same way for me.

[MissCanuck]

No wonder you're feeling so down.

 

It sounds like you're in a no-win situation, and honestly, your relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy. You would probably feel better if you had a social life again but he makes you feel guilty for wanting that. Then he complains that you're not happy. Has he always been that manipulative and self-centered? Whose idea was it to cut off family members and friends, and what was it they were doing that was abusive? I ask because I am concerned that he's isolated you and made you dependent on him. Does he not have any friends of his own? This whole situation sounds...unbalanced and emotionally destructive. How old are you both?

 

The one point I would make is that if he is supporting you both, that probably is a strain. If you're not bringing in any income, then I think it's only fair if he decides whether to add another animal to this mix. After all, who would be paying for that? Can you get part-time work, maybe an office position or something that isn't physically strenuous? It sounds like you need a sense of independence again, and a way to contribute financially to the household.

 

I don't know OP, I have to wonder how viable this relationship really is and how much it's contributing to your depression. Perhaps that's the reason your therapy isn't working; it's not addressing the root cause, which is what appears to be a very unhealthy relationship with your boyfriend.

[cherrytree17]

I've been depressed since my childhood - I was physically and sexually abused. My boyfriend used to be my best friend and helped me get out of that situation when I was old enough. We are both 25 now. I do believe that he loves me just as much as I love him, and that he cares a great deal for me. He hasn't always been like this. Only since we moved in together about 6 months ago. Or at least that's when I noticed. He is just constantly irritated with everything, always complaining about work and other people, and it wears me down. When he isn't working, he's an amazing, thoughtful partner, who enjoys making me feel cherished. We were on holiday recently and had a lovely time together. But as soon as we got back home, it started again. I've suggested a different approach to work to him - he does love what he does - but he simply doesn't notice his irritation at home, I think. And whenever I bring it up, he gets defensive as f*ck and tells me that I'm the problem with my constant unhappiness and that he feels helpless because I cry so often because of him. When I suggested making me cry less, he argued that I'm just too sensitive and he shouldn't have to tiptoe around me.

 

I'm at a loss here. I don't know what to do anymore because we seem to be turning in a circle whenever we try to discuss anything. He always thinks I'm blaming him for my unhappiness and refuses to take a more rational approach. He just raises his voice and I cry and then he tells me I'm manipulative again.

 

He isn't this horribly abusive piece of sh*t, not at all. 90% of the time I'm so happy with him. I just wish he was happier when he comes back from work so I don't have to be his verbal punching bag.

 

He doesn't have to support me at the moment. I qualify for unemployment payment (not sure what's that called in the states) and pay my part of the rent and all my living expenses, including food etc. for our current dog. I don't have much, but it's enough to get by without having to put any strain on him. I could also pay for another pet. I do however plan on working at least part-time again, but it is taking longer than anticipated - I am waiting on a training position.

[DancingFool]

If you connect well with dogs, why not apprentice with a dog trainer so you can become one yourself? Learn the business from them, etc. You could actually turn that into a career, not just obedience training for individuals, but training working dogs for police, rescue, etc. or training show dogs. Meanwhile, can you print out some flyers for dog walking services or something in your area? What about becoming a vet tech? Again maybe you can go to nearby vet clinic and simply volunteer to see what it's like before you jump into school and training. Think of ways to connect your love for dogs to something productive that gets you out of the house.

 

Also, exercise and physical fitness can do wonders for reducing physical pain or even eliminating it.

 

I agree with above posters that your relationship is kind of unhealthy in that you are home bored and depressed waiting on him to come home. Then you are laser focused on him, but he needs space to unwind....so you two end up arguing and getting on each other's nerves. You've got to make yourself get out of the house and a puppy is not going to solve anything. He is right about that. You guys are living in this self imposed isolation and it's actually tearing the two of you apart in various ways. Somehow, you've got to break this isolation. Go for walks, join meetup.com and see if there are any social groups nearby you can join. You've got to do something to break this vicious circle you guys are in.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been living together. He sounds dismissive and abusive. Puppies and bf's don't treat depression. Go to a doctor for a complete checkup and a referral to a therapist. Is it his place? Why do you need permission to get a pet? Does he support you?

 

Allow people space in relationships in general and do no bombard people with your problems and boredom and the minute they walk in the door. It would be best for you to get out of the house more. Do you work?

 

What about taking some classes or lessons? Work on a self improvement plan inside and out.. Get in shape, exercise and eat better.Update your image with new clothes hair etc. Take yoga, tai chi and other classes to help you relax.

 

Never make someone the center of your universe. Never stay with someone who "lashes out". It sounds like you have a parent-child relationship. Unfortunately very unhealthy.

He lashes out verbally, raises his voice and is short tempered. I'd like a puppy that I can teach and play with more - and dote on and cuddle when he's not there.

[itsallgrand]

It's good you are in therapy. Have you brought this up there? You definitely should, as well as how you two came together.

Unfortunately , it sounds like you jumped from one abusive unhealthy situation to another. You tried to use a boyfriend as an escape pod, and that rarely works out. You need to learn to be solid on your own first. Able to provide and care for yourself, have friends and supports, build your life, be emotionally healthy... THEN think about getting into a serious relationship.

 

What is the cause of your chronic pain? Is it a result of abuse? Is it something treatable? Are you still in pain every day?

 

I'm so sorry , it's a lot of challenges at once. You can do this though. You can have a better life !

[MissCanuck]

You say he's generally wonderful, but I don't buy it. A wonderful guy doesn't make you feel guilty about not spending all your free time with him. He doesn't believe he's all you should need to be happy. That has me seriously raising my eyebrows. Does he have friends?

 

There's more wrong with this overall picture than you're seeing, OP.

[cherrytree17]

I'm starting to get that feeling too. But I don't know what's going on. We had a serious fall-out last night, and I still don't know what happened there. I'm shaking and have been crying the whole night and I just don't get what's going on.

 

Last night, I needed to return some books to the library. My boyfriend got ready to come with, but I asked him if he didn't want to stay home and watch TV. He said he'd rather be with me. Okay, so we drove there, and he decided to wait in the car because he didn't feel like coming in with me. I didn't think anything of it and went in by myself. It took quite a while to return the books though, about 15 minutes. And when I came back out, I couldn't find the car at first because he had parked somewhere else. So when I finally found him and the car, 20 minutes had passed. I opened the door and he was already angry with me, because I had taken so long. His anger confused me because it felt unwarranted - he didn't talk to me on the drive home and was apparently cross with me. I apologised for letting him wait but also said that I expected it to take a while and he could've just stayed home.

 

He took badly to that. He yelled at me that I was behaving like an *sshole and that he felt disrespected and like a dog. Then he started telling me about all the things he did for me and got nothing in return. I started crying, because he was yelling and being loud and banging doors and stuff and I didn't know why he was suddenly so angry. When he realised I was crying, he got even more mad because I was just crying and not talking back to him, so he just went out the door and told me he couldn't talk to me like an adult because I always just started crying like a little child.

 

I went to bed, because I didn't know what else to do. He returned home after some time, a bit calmer, came to bed too. It was late and he had to work early in the morning, and I was exhausted, so I asked him if we could just go to sleep. But he refused and said we needed to talk. I thought he was going to apologise for his sh***y behaviour and for scaring me. But he didn't. Instead, he raised his voice again and continued to tell me that I am an *sshole and don't even notice. He said he doesn't know how to be with me and it feels like all he ever does is wrong. He said he continues to put my happiness over his and he feels horrible because he wants to be happy too.

 

I am so confused by all of this. 90% of the time we have a beautiful life together and then he suddenly blows up. Can anybody help me shed some light on this? He went to work in the morning. We usually hug and kiss, but he didn't want to touch me, which I noticed. I asked him if he wanted a hug. He said he didn't know. Then he left. I'm scared.

[cherrytree17]

He also said we cannot continue like this and he just wants an easy life without all this drama. But he is the one causing the drama, isn't he? I was calm. He was yelling and throwing and behaving like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I don't understand why he can't see that. Whenever we try to talk about stuff like this, he gets extremely defensive and rejects all responsibility, tells me he is perfect and so good for me and I am the one destroying everything. I don't agree. I feel like he is behaving like a child, and he doesn't even notice it. He is still mad because I "don't see how mean it was to leave him in the car for 20 minutes". I agree that waiting sucks when you have better stuff to do. But seriously? I asked him to stay home. He needs to learn how to make himself happy.

 

Also, he said he is the one who is always making compromises. But it feels like it's the other way around. I could make a list with like 50 items where I've made a compromise for him, but I would never do that - I love him and it's very much okay for me to compromise in a relationship. Those things matter way less to me than he matters to me. But whenever he gets angry, he starts again with all the stuff we can't do because I brought a dog into the relationship. He loves that dog to pieces though and to top it off, it was his idea, not mine. I get the feeling that something is very wrong, I just don't know what. It's not about the dog or waiting in a car.

 

Basically, we both think the other is behaving selfishly. What do we do about this? My therapist agrees that my boyfriend needs to take a step back and is way out of line with his behaviour. My boyfriend thinks he is justified in his anger because I am an *sshole. How can I make this okay?

 

---

edit: The underlying thing seems to be my depression. There was a brief moment last night when he admitted that he hates me being sad because then he gets sad too and he doesn't want that. I told him that I am not sad because of him and that my mood shouldn't affect him so much because it's not his fault. He knows I'm diagnosed with depression, and taking medication, and it's getting better slowly. My mood is pretty stable nowadays, so I don't really know why he brought it up last night.

But he basically holds me responsible for his feelings. To me, that's not okay.

 

He even asked me if I was happier with my previous boyfriend and would like to go back to him, if that is why I am so unhappy. I don't get him. Of course I don't want to get back together with my previous boyfriend. He was horrible and abusive and a drug addict. I don't get at all why he is so insecure. I wear his ring. I want to marry him. I keep our house clean and comforting, I spend every minute of my time with him, I go to bed with him every night so he'll sleep well, I write him a billion cute messages every day when we're apart from each other, tell him I love him all the time, kiss his cute face whenever possible, I'm so proud of him and everybody knows that, I go out and hunt pokemon with him on the weekend, I make him dinner and breakfast, I visit him at work when he misses me, I sleep on the wrong side of the bed because I want him to sleep well, I don't see my friends anymore because he always wants to spend time with me, I can't drive my motorbike anymore because then he'd worry I'd have an accident, I go shopping for him and get him all the weird sauces he likes, I even do his homework when he is too tired. And here he is, telling me he feels unwanted because he had to wait in the car for 20 minutes and that I am destroying our relationship by being so selfish.

 

Somebody please tell me what to do.

[LaHermes]

OP. You say:

 

"I keep our house clean and comforting, I spend every minute of my time with him, I go to bed with him every night so he'll sleep well, I write him a billion cute messages every day when we're apart from each other, tell him I love him all the time, kiss his cute face whenever possible, I'm so proud of him and everybody knows that, I go out and hunt pokemon with him on the weekend, I make him dinner and breakfast, I visit him at work when he misses me, I sleep on the wrong side of the bed because I want him to sleep well, I don't see my friends anymore because he always wants to spend time with me, I can't drive my motorbike anymore because then he'd worry I'd have an accident, I go shopping for him and get him all the weird sauces he likes, I even do his homework when he is too tired.

 

What do you do for YOU, OP? What?

 

That litany of martyrdom you have just written takes my breath away. Do you think it's normal to be a housekeeper/mother/nanny/maid/minder for a grown man!!

 

And:

 

"He yelled at me that I was behaving like an *sshole and that he felt disrespected and like a dog. Then he started telling me about all the things he did for me and got nothing in return. I started crying, because he was yelling and being loud and banging doors and stuff and I didn't know why he was suddenly so angry. When he realised I was crying, he got even more mad because I was just crying and not talking back to him, so he just went out the door and told me he couldn't talk to me like an adult because I always just started crying like a little child.

"

 

Most abusive.

 

It comes down to these two words:

 

"I'm scared."

 

JuJu is right:

 

"As I was reading your thread and response, I see "co-dependency". You stay home all day and just waiting for him to come home. He goes to work comes home and all he sees is you. It's not healthy. You need interaction with other people.

"

 

And this is called "enmeshment".

 

He gets very unhappy when I'm not with him when he's home. And he would never get counselling with me.

The thing is, he doesn't understand how I can miss other people. He says I'm all he needs to be happy and he doesn't get that it can't be the same way for me.

[abitbroken]

I'm starting to get that feeling too. But I don't know what's going on. We had a serious fall-out last night, and I still don't know what happened there. I'm shaking and have been crying the whole night and I just don't get what's going on.

 

Last night, I needed to return some books to the library. My boyfriend got ready to come with, but I asked him if he didn't want to stay home and watch TV. He said he'd rather be with me. Okay, so we drove there, and he decided to wait in the car because he didn't feel like coming in with me. I didn't think anything of it and went in by myself. It took quite a while to return the books though, about 15 minutes. And when I came back out, I couldn't find the car at first because he had parked somewhere else. So when I finally found him and the car, 20 minutes had passed. I opened the door and he was already angry with me, because I had taken so long. His anger confused me because it felt unwarranted - he didn't talk to me on the drive home and was apparently cross with me. I apologised for letting him wait but also said that I expected it to take a while and he could've just stayed home.

 

He took badly to that. He yelled at me that I was behaving like an *sshole and that he felt disrespected and like a dog. Then he started telling me about all the things he did for me and got nothing in return. I started crying, because he was yelling and being loud and banging doors and stuff and I didn't know why he was suddenly so angry. When he realised I was crying, he got even more mad because I was just crying and not talking back to him, so he just went out the door and told me he couldn't talk to me like an adult because I always just started crying like a little child.

 

I went to bed, because I didn't know what else to do. He returned home after some time, a bit calmer, came to bed too. It was late and he had to work early in the morning, and I was exhausted, so I asked him if we could just go to sleep. But he refused and said we needed to talk. I thought he was going to apologise for his sh***y behaviour and for scaring me. But he didn't. Instead, he raised his voice again and continued to tell me that I am an *sshole and don't even notice. He said he doesn't know how to be with me and it feels like all he ever does is wrong. He said he continues to put my happiness over his and he feels horrible because he wants to be happy too.

 

I am so confused by all of this. 90% of the time we have a beautiful life together and then he suddenly blows up. Can anybody help me shed some light on this? He went to work in the morning. We usually hug and kiss, but he didn't want to touch me, which I noticed. I asked him if he wanted a hug. He said he didn't know. Then he left. I'm scared.

 

Returning books means you drop it in the slot, at least in my library. It does not take 15-29 minutes to do unless i wander around like a space cadet or go look at new books and in that case you should have told him you'd be a minute because you wanted to check something else out.

 

There is no excuse for raising your voice, but this sounds like a guy at the end of his rope, too. and your situation would be better if you got a job or at least stopped sitting around and revolving around him.

 

Yes, your wish for a puppy is irrational. Its an extra mouth to feed and you are one of those people i can't stand - ditches their older dog for a puppy because they can "play with it more". You can go and do obedience and agility classes with your older dog and learn tricks,etc. do earthdog trials.

 

I would be terribly annoyed to if my significant other did not work or do anything else during the day and just sat around waiting for me to come home.

 

Yes, i think this isn't a good relationship for you, but i also think you are contributing to the dynamic. He shouldn't be blaming you for every little thing, but you have made yourself absoutely powerless as well!! So take it back. Get a job to get some money for yourself - move back in with parents, whatever.

[MissCanuck]

I think he wants to break up with you but doesn't really know how to do so. But I see it coming.