Help

[Dudebilly]

I'll try to make this short even though I know it won't be so my apologies.

 

Full Story: My whole life I have always wanted to join the Army. This will pop up later. Fast forward to middle school in 7th grade. This girl (let's call her K) had the worlds biggest crush on me and I was completely oblivious. K would do anything to be around me, go out of her way to see me or sit next to me in class (I was still oblivious because we never talked), and she would even write notes that she said she would throw away because she was too shy to give them to me. K eventually wrote a note and gave it to her sister to give to my brother to give to me which I eventually received but at the time I didn't know how to take it (middle school was an awkward time for me) so I ignored it. Now in high school I started to have more classes with her and we became good friends. By this time K had already started to forget about me and move on to other guys and date them. In the 10th grade we started to hang out a little more and she started to open up about her relationship problems. I could tell that she was starting to notice me again and that she wasn't happy in her current relationship, by this time I was starting to gain feelings for her. Even though I was getting feelings for her she still had a BF so I would go out with friends and see this other girl (lets call her A) where I learned to kiss/make out. FB was my primary method of talking to everyone including A and I would never delete messages (this comes up soon). Now K brought up to me how she had that crush on me during middle school and asked if I ever got her note or noticed her the same way she did. I lied and said yes to everything to sort of seal the deal with her because I was f'ing stupid and a compulsive liar at the time plus I really wanted to be with her. I stopped hanging out with A and directed everything to K. I made myself seem like this perfect amazing guy which I wasn't. During the summer before 11th grade K's BF at the time went to basic training and afterwards they had some more issues and eventually they broke up. A few months later we started dating. We were the perfect couple and did everything together... every single day was magical. About 3 or 4 months into the relationship K had my FB password, I gave it to her, and saw all the messages between me and A. K got really upset and thought that I wanted A which wasn't true. After another month or so I don't remember how it got brought up but I told K how I lied to her about feeling the same in middle school etc. and broke her heart. K told me she lost a lot of trust in me. We eventually moved past it and made it work. We were the best couple again but it didn't feel the same. We had our ups and downs like everyone does. Now we're in the 12th grade and graduating. She eventually gets a job and so do I which makes hanging out more difficult. K then went off to college which made everything more difficult and I feared that she would dump me. I still visited her every chance I got but it felt like the college life was consuming her. I brought up joining the Army again which she was always against (didn't want me gone, hurt, dead) but I was at a dead end job and wanted to chase my dreams like she was. About one month before we broke up she was telling me about this volunteer thing she was doing and the people she would meet. There was one guy in particular that I didn't trust. One night while she was back home I really needed her after I got home from work to which she replied she wanted to go to bed and it was late. The next day I snooped in her phone and found out she was on Skype with the guy I didn't have a good feeling about for about an hour or more the same time I needed her. I tried to break up with her then because I knew that couldn't be good but decided to stay and make it work. After that nothing was the same and I felt like she wasn't even trying in the relationship anymore so I went through with joining the Army. While I was at MEPS she broke up with me and got with that guy a week later. I was devastated, not surprised but devastated because that was the girl of my dreams and a 2.5 year relationship down the drain. I tried everything to get her back and make her jealous but to no avail. I went to basic training where she would send me letters and told me in one of them that she broke up with that guy. We talked about getting back together. She came to my graduation where we talked about it even more. I went to my AIT and while I was there I still talked about the possibility while she seemed to drift away from it. I feared it was never going to happen even though I wanted it to so I started talking to this other girl. Once K found out about the other girl she flipped and said so much for getting back together and said she never wanted to get with me again. Fast forward with some more confusing stuff and I get deployed to Afghanistan where I still try to get with her even though she started dating other guys again. Her new relationships never lasted and she would come to me for advice. She started to go radio silent from days to weeks to months at a time. Just random intervals. Fast forward some more and I try to re-kindle even just our friendship. We stay friends but she would always go radio silent out of nowhere (usually when she got another BF). I got another GF and got deployed again. Now we haven't talked in 5 months and I reached out to her (still thinking about her but mainly want friendship first). She replied and we were ok for a while but then radio silence. Out of nowhere she replies "I miss you" with a video we took a long time ago. We start talking about how we did everything together and how we will never find another person like each other and it seems like she wants to get back together and then she mentioned she doesn't want to get in the way of me and my GF and then... you guessed it, radio silence. I eventually broke up with my current GF because it wasn't working out. That's where I'm at today. I haven't spoken to her in about 2 weeks and when I have, it was very brief and she would never initiate anything. I still love her even after 4 years of being broken up but I am so confused as to what she is thinking. I want to message her again but I don't know where to even start.

 

 

TLDR: K and I were the perfect couple. I lied and she got mad. We made it work. She went to college and I wanted to join the Army. She broke up with me and got with a guy I knew she wanted to get with and I went to basic training. We talked about getting back together but never did. She dated other guys and I still loved her. Eventually I got a GF. I wanted to re-kindle our friendship first so I tried NC and it worked when I reached out to her. She went radio silent. After NC again she reached out to me saying she missed me and brought up a bunch of memories but didn't want to get in the way of my current GF and I. She went radio silent again. I eventually broke up with current GF. I tried talking to K again but it was always brief and now radio silence again. I still love K and want to reach out to her again but don't know how without getting on her nerves or seeming desperate and why do I still love her after 4 years

[Dudebilly]

I know this is a lot and I know it probably won't make sense. I'm open to questions, comments, and concerns.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Leave the ball in her court and let her reach out to you.