Moving on and becoming a better person after being ghosted

[neurims]

I met him December 2015 via a language exchange app. Following which came arguably the hardest few months of my life, during which I confided in him a secret that I was carrying. A secret which I was so ashamed of, to which he gave good advice.

 

We began dating (i.e. official relationship) in November. We talked about meeting up and stuff, and a couple of months later I booked a ticket to fly over to see him.

 

I'd asked him when the most appropriate time was to visit him, and he'd replied with "whenever", saying that he'd make the necessary arrangements according to my schedule. In hindsight, it was greedy of me to have planned a 2-week stay-- he worked in the FnB sector, and it was difficult for him to take time off. One day, he suddenly told me that he'd quit his job-- leaving me feeling stunned and guilty. He said that it was in order to be with me for that 2 weeks, and that he'd find another job afterwards.

 

We never really argued over anything (our relationship lasted only 4 months after all), but while dating I was often insecure and emotional. I cried a lot, especially during the first half-- either outright, or just barely managing not to burst into tears. I told him all about my flaws, physical or otherwise. We confided in each other secrets, and he'd on more than one occasion hinted at marriage.

 

Too fast, too soon maybe. Much too perfect-- or so it seemed. So 10 days before I was due to meet him, he suddenly stopped responding to my texts and calls. Radio silence. At first I chalked it up to an emergency situation of sorts, or that he just needed time to be alone. Checked Facebook after 2 days and realized that he'd posted recently. Continued silence from him despite my asking him if he could tell me what was wrong, can't we just talk it out please. The silence was too loud, and it hurt.

 

I ended up visiting his country anyway. I have friends there-- which is one of the reasons why I decided to visit him first instead of the other way round, in the first place. Couldn't cancel the ticket without the family asking why, so what the heck. But it was pretty bad, what with me breaking down 70-80% of the time.

 

Maybe he got sick of me, maybe he found someone else, maybe it was just too much sacrifice to be with someone one had never even met in real life. His last message read, "I'm drawing" (he majored in animation back in college. He'd been looking for another job.

 

I feel like I really must have done something wrong, though, to have pushed him away/drove him over the edge. No answers, just endless questions.

 

It's been more than a month. I'm sad, and I haven't managed to move on yet, partially because I feel guilty that I caused him to lose his job. It was quite a well-paying one, from what I know. He was kind of moody/upset at times, towards the end of our relationship.

 

Moving on is probably the only option I have at this point. I've learnt so much from him; he was always gentle and kind and never once did he fail to cheer me up, make me happy. I know-- it was only online. The reality is that we've never even met. But he gave me so much. It hurts to be ghosted, cut out of his life like this, but I guess I deserve it.

 

I just want to become a better person now. I don't want to constantly be stuck in the past. I want to be happy too, someday. Truly happy, that is. But right now I'm so stuck, and so so depressed. I'm so sick of myself. What should I do?

[Raggie]

Firstly, I would suggest therapy and focussing on friends/family; not some guy you never met. You need to address your self-esteem, your traumatic event and develop skills to establish healthy relationship boundaries.

 

Him quitting his job sounds odd to me. It wasn't your fault; it was his decision. Plus, I don't see why he believed this was an option? Unless, of course, it wasn't true.

 

Him flaking when you were set to meet is also a warning sign that he is not all that he seems. People can create fantasies online; you really don't know much about it.

 

Now, wouldn't you prefer a relationship with someone you can see, hug and properly date? (How can you two have dated, incidentally, if you never met?). I would work very hard on avoiding attachment until you have met in person: At best, you may find there's no chemistry, at worst they could be catfishing.

[Wiseman2]

Ok cut him off completely. Being hooked up to devices to 'be happy' and never having a real person there in person to hug, kiss, date, etc. is extremely depressing and deepens existing depression. He gave you a fantasy of someone, not a real life bf..

 

Get out from hiding from life behinds screens. Get involved in work, school, career training, etc. Join clubs, groups, organisations that interest you. Get out and volunteer. Get therapy for the depression and social anxiety.

 

Work on your self confidence. Get in shape, eat better, work out, go to classes like tai chi, yoga etc. Update your image. New clothes, hair, etc. Get on dating apps with a nice profile and pics and start dating real live, available, local guys.

I know-- it was only online. The reality is that we've never even met. I don't want to constantly be stuck in the past.But right now I'm so stuck, and so so depressed.