Completely Hopeless? Ill take my chances... Please help.

[Iceberg900]

Its a long story so Ill try and keep it as short as possible without missing any of the important details. My Girlfriend / Partner of 2.5 years broke my heart and ended our relationship exactly 2 months ago. We had everything, and had built a beautiful home for ourselves with expensive furniture and pets - It was perfect. We were complete opposites, but were deeply in love and I lost count of the amount of times she told me she wanted to stay with me forever and couldn't even dream of being with someone else. We talked about our future, starting a family, going on holidays and building our own house towards the end - I had found my Soul-mate and she told me countless times she had found hers. My ex has had a terrible past that involved divorced parents, being raped and physically abused at a young age, and suffered from depression, anxiety and self esteem issues for most of our time together. She had MAJOR trust issues in the beginning and would have severe panic attacks which involved her attempting suicide, self harming and throwing cutlery and plates all over the house. She would also physically abuse me when I got close to her to try and calm her down. About 12 months in, we got her on the right medication and she rarely had a panic attack afterwards. I stuck by her through all of this, but it made me quite protective and controlling over her. Her personality is very hard to describe but she does NOT like being tied down in any way / shape or form. Every time she wanted to do something to her body like cover herself with tattoos or get a nose ring or a boob job - I would object initially and tell her that she was beautiful the way she was and that I didn't like her making such radical changes to herself. Eventually, I would cave in and towards the end I let her do whatever she wanted because we had fought about it so many times before. She has trouble sticking to things she wants in life and gets bored VERY easily. She cannot focus on one thing for too long and always changes her mind.

 

She was always extremely good at her job as a manager and it was the one thing she was proud of in her life - leading people. She would spend HOURS at work (10-12 hours most days) and that was another thing we constantly fought about because I felt like she ranked her job over me for the majority of the relationship. She got a new job 14 months into our relationship with a new company and quickly rose through the ranks to become second in charge. At this point in our relationship, she was as confident as she had ever been, was loving her job and had not had a panic attack in months. The only thing we fought about was the amount of attention she got at work from men. She is extremely pretty but due to her being insecure about her body, she never believed it. The amount of attention she was getting really bothered me because she used it to her advantage to get guys to do things for her. She was very honest and would always tell me about what guys were saying to her at work - I could name 6-7 people that she told me admitted to her they had feelings for her AT WORK. She assured me she was brushing them off politely but also admitted to using it to her advantage to get stuff done. She would still come home every night and be as loving and affectionate as ever. In the last 3 months of our relationship - she was on top of the world: loving her job, earning 6 figures, making new friends and having a perfect little home life that we had built from nothing. I got promoted in this time and we were both working 50+ hours a week. We barely saw each other and would always come home tired and exhausted from our day. Still, she kept telling me how much she loved me and that we would make it through this tough time when both of our teams at work were self-sufficient. We had planned a holiday and were still talking about children at this point (We were actually pregnant after 12 months but sadly she had a miscarriage). 3 months into my promotion - I told her that I was done. I was sick of the work I was doing, Sick of never seeing her or spending time with her and we both agreed we could live comfortably off her wage If I stepped down. We were very distant at this point, and I noticed her spending even more time at work. We both agreed that we needed a holiday and made a 5 year plan one afternoon. We committed to spending more time with each other and saving up for an overseas trip. I felt really happy after this meeting and felt like we were going to be okay, that everything was going to start working out for us and we would become closer again. Still, she was spending a lot of time at work, coming home later and later at night and I got suspicious. One day she told me she was going for "Coffee" with some of the girls at work and would be home at 8:00PM when the coffee shop closed. I let her go, without a second thought and waited at home for her. It got to 10:30PM at night and she still wasn't home. She was not answering my calls or texts and I started freaking out. I got desperate and logged into her Icloud to try and track her phone - thinking she was somewhere she shouldn't be or even dead. It wouldn't let me into the tracker, so I gave up and just started spamming her phone with calls. She answered really angrily and I got mad and said why the hell haven't you been answering my calls? Its almost midnight! She said she would be home in 15 minutes. She got home and we had a fight about her not communicating with me. I told her i didn't care if she went out with friends but that she needed to communicate better if it was going to be late. She broke down into tears and apologised profusely, we gave each other a big hug and kiss and everything was back to normal the next morning (Or so I thought). I started getting really suspicious after this, because she started to take her phone into the bathroom with her, locking the door (Had never done that before) and never wanted to shower with me (We ALWAYS showered together). One night she left her phone on the kitchen table while showering, so I had about 5 minutes to have a peek. My heart sank - she had been texting 2 guys from work and one of the comments was "You should have come to the club last night! You missed out." I didn't say anything or confront her about it... I trusted her completely...

 

It came to my birthday weekend and I still hadn't confronted her about it. She still seemed very in love with me would always kiss me and show affection. We went out for dinner with my family and she became instantly quiet when we got into the restaurant - stopped holding my hand, didn't speak to anyone and was constantly looking at her phone. Someone in the restaurant came up to her and said hello, she shyly greeted them and came back to the table. I asked her who it was and she told me it was someone that she worked with named "D". "D" was one of the men she was texting about a week ago, So i got angry instantly. I challenged her and told her to give me a kiss on the cheek. She went bright red and declined. I told her to hold my hand - same response. I ignored her for the rest of the evening and as soon as we got home I exploded. I accused her of being ashamed of me and not mentioning me to anyone at work. I accused her of loving the attention she received from men and I threatened to go into her work on my day off and just watch what happened. She was exposed - I had caught her out and she just sat silently. She normally fights back but this time she just sat in silence. 2 more weeks went by after this incident and we were still talking but were not affectionate with each other. In this time, I later found out she had been hanging out with the guys from work and texting them about sexual acts she wanted to do to them (I managed to peek at her phone a couple more times). She had invited another man into our house while I was at a training course one night and lied to me about it. One afternoon, I texted her and told her we needed to talk. She told me she had plans and wouldn't be home until later - this angered me and I said: "So your plans are more important than your relationship??". We met at home and she had done her hair, put her perfume on and had flawless make-up (trying to impress the guy she was hanging out with). The talk happened and she told me she couldn't do it anymore. Just like that, she ended it - 2.5 Years washed down the drain. I started having a panic attack, packing my things and banging my head against the wall and screaming. I had no control over myself - I never thought that this would happen. 2 Weeks ago we did our 5 year plan, how did we get to this?

 

The weeks following I moved out of OUR HOUSE with nothing except my clothes. It was a very hard 2 weeks and I acted out of desperation: begging, pleading, accusing her of being a and a cheater. I drove past the house one night and noticed another car in the driveway that I recognised belonged to a man she worked with. I called her and screamed at her. It had been 3 days after we broke up and another man was already there at 10:00PM at night. She told me they were just having a smoke and talking and I let it go. The guy was living there within 1 week, sleeping in our bed. I was in a very dark place and didn't even recognise her anymore. I sent her long messages and emails about how she was the most beautiful girl I had ever met and could forgive her for everything. She was hot and cold and said she felt really bad and didn't know which path to choose - our relationship and all the fun we had or herself - focusing on what she wanted in life. We agreed to meet up 3 weeks after the break up. I bought her a flower and dressed nicely - I was going to change her mind tonight. The conversation went towards the new guy (Lets call him "A") and she admitted to sleeping with him multiple times already. I lost it and stormed out of the restaurant, throwing the flower at her feet. I sent a message to A and warned him - told him that not even a month ago we were planning a holiday and to have children and that he needed to watch his back because she wasn't stable and I didn't want him to get hurt like she hurt me. She caught wind of this and we had a massive phone argument. We have sent emails back and forth infrequently and I apologised multiple times for my behaviour - I couldn't believe how quickly she could throw me away and replace me. It took her less than a month to fall out of love with me and into bed with another man (Who she is now living with). In a nutshell, the breakup was very messy and I was not thinking clearly at all (Can you blame me after what she did?). Me attacking her caused her to become closer to A and I realise that now, but I was acting out of desperation because the Girl I loved with everything I had died so suddenly and the life we had built was thrown away like trash.

 

Where are we now? It has been 2 months. I have been through a nightmare roller-coaster ride of hating her to wanting her back to crying and breaking down and she is living with "A" in the house that we built from nothing and tells me he makes her happy. She sent me an email basically saying the reason she broke it off was because of how controlling she thought I was. She didn't like being controlled or tied down in any way (Even though towards the end I basically let her do whatever she wanted and spend time with whoever she wanted). She said logically, she wanted to stay with me because It was secure, and she could see a good future with me. But emotionally she said she had lost the Passion and the Freedom she had and did not want to be committed (After telling me a month ago she still wanted children and to get engaged). She admitted that it was mostly just who SHE was as a person and that I was a really great man and should focus on myself. I contacted her last night after 3 weeks of very little contact - we had a friendly chat about how the pets where and about how she was still getting her boobs done and she just seemed really happy. I told her I was going to the gym and had been away for training again. I ended the conversation when it wasn't going anywhere and said I hope that she enjoys her day and that we should chat again soon - she hasn't messaged me back. I am always the one that messages her and she has not once messaged me and asked how I was. Why the hell do I want her back? Why am I still bothering with this girl after what she did and how quickly she has moved on? Because I love her. I didn't stop loving her when she ended it and right up until that day she was my whole world. I would have done anything for that girl. I am thinking logically now, and know that I need to move on but I want to try and get her back. I know that there a better women out there and that there is nothing wrong with me. I KNOW THAT. But I WANT her back because I know how her brain works. Her fight or flight mechanism kicked in the night we had my birthday dinner and she was trying to escape. She is filling my spot with another man because she is emotionally dependent on people and CANT be alone. The one thing we haven't had since the break up is a positive physical connection and I think that If I can get her to the point of hanging out with me a few times, I can cause her to become confused about her feelings again. The speed at which she moved on is not normal - for her to be LIVING with this guy in OUR house less than 1 week after a breakup of a relationship that went for 2.5 years is not normal - her brain doesn't process information like normal people and I know exactly how her mind works. She tells me she loves him but he does not fill my spot and I've left my mark on her. I don't care how long it takes but I need help developing a plan to get her back. I need to get her to a point of having casual hang outs and then I can trigger the physical connection we once had. Text messages and emails are not going to do anything for her - the only thing that will make her question her feelings is being physically around me. I'm not going to stop moving on - I know what I need to do to move on and have already started feeling better. I have the discipline to not contact her 6 times a week and like I did in at the start. It has only been 2 months but I fear with her impulsiveness, If i dont start building the framework for a hang out soon, she will make stupid decisions like getting pregnant to this guy or getting engaged to him. Its like he is picking up where I left off and its only a matter of time. I should mention that this guy is 21 and she is 27. She is also HIS BOSS and they work together every single day. Do you see how messed up her decision is? Do you see now why I feel like she is just going with the flow and doesn't care what happens? (She has actually said this to me). I feel like this whole relationship with him is just a bit of fun and sex for her and the only reason he has moved in so quickly is because she CANT be alone. I know what the responses are going to be: Move on, forget about her, If she truly loves you she will come back. I've heard them all before... And quite frankly I don't care anymore. I AM thinking logically, I understand that this will probably blow up in my face, but I'm willing to take the risk for one more shot. I have nothing to lose anymore, I have already lost everything and had to start my life again, but I have everything to gain. The dust has settled, the emotions are gone and I dont need her back. I WANT her back.

 

What steps do I need to take in order for this to happen? Any advice from people that have been in a seemingly hopeless situation like mine would be appreciated. I should also mention that when I was sending her big emails and messages and photos of us together in the first 3 weeks she said she felt insecure again and said that she knew I wanted her back. She said that this whole situation was a "Mess" and didn't know what to do or what path to follow. If I can do that through messages, make her question herself, imagine what I can trigger by spending time with her. I understand that its not going to happen overnight, or even next week, or even 3 months from now but I need some help on what the best strategy would be.

[Iceberg900]

I think I already know the answer. I should have read more threads first. She got bored of the relationship while I was promoted and while we were both working long days. She got G.I.G.S syndrome and already had guys lined up at work that she could fall back on. Her insecurities caused her to try and hide it and lie about it so that she could emotionally detach herself from me. My best bet, If I EVER want her back is to completely disappear - as hard as it is for me because I Love and miss this girl to pieces. If I try and be her friend and hang out with her I'm only putting myself through more unnecessary torture and giving myself false hope. Am I on the right track here?

[WombatShadow]

Drop her like a hotcake.

 

She didn't just have guys lined up for after your relationship, she had probably told them that the relationship was already over. Maybe it was, from her perspective. Regardless, she lied to you for several weeks about this. You said you had just done your 5 Year Plan two weeks ago, and maybe that was the problem: you did this plan, but as she was going through things with you she realized that she wasn't seeing herself in your future/you in hers.

 

Sorry about this. I agree that you need to cut her off entirely, but actually make strides go get over her. Go find a woman who actually appreciates you and the work you do. Work out. Pick up some new hobbies. If she's meant to be with you, she'll eventually come back, but don't put money on it.

[RebeccaLynn]

I'm so sorry this happened to you!! your pain has pushed you into desperation. I can relate! there is one small problem with your plan to get her back. your using what you know about her to manipulate her feelings so she will get confused about the man she is with. I'm sorry to tell you this but it's the wrong thing to do. She gets to chose who she wants to be with. I'm so sorry!! I totally understand why you feel the way you do. If I were you, I would whole heartedly want to do the same thing. but it would be wrong of you to just mess with her emotions to cause trouble with her current relationship. I realize you don't know what else to do. since you truly love her, give your self time to sort thru your feelings. getting back with her this way will only make things worse! she is having a fling with this man and you know it won't last. I would do the hard thing and just wait for her to realize what she has really done. meanwhile you may want to go see your doctor for counseling over your grief, your feelings are so hurt you feel desperate!! you need to have someone to talk to about those feelings. I have recently went thru something like this and have also felt very desperate, I ended up taking a whole bunch of pills. it wasn't until I woke up the next morning did I realize How hurt I must be over everything and that I needed help dealing with my feelings. Please take a few steps back and give your self time for grief!