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30 days of No Contact log ( Think I can do it?)


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Hnnnnng, attraction very confirmed Wed night. But also firmly reminded of the no relationships boundary.Which my head is still trying to translate as "i'm too hurt', believing he will warm to me over time. Bad belief, have to burn it with fire.

 

Thursday I patiently waited for him to be the one to get in touch, and got more and more irritable in the silence. And by the time he did I had filled myself with dread imagine us being intimate a while and me being I really like you, and him being, told you no relationships,right from the start. So by the time he did get in touch, I had the odd question of "do you think about me when I'm not around" to ask (which, I don't know why I've never asked someone this before, it's a more round about way of asking if they are crushed too). He said he had been that day but he thought that was cos I was fresh in his memory from last night. Which led to me expressing my anxiousness about getting closer to someone who has that boundary but in a very indirect way (because I don't want to push his boundary) which went right over his head. That night felt sad about the lack of potential relationship. But by the end of that my mind had kinda swung back to "if you can go into it knowing there will be an absence of emotional closeness because walls maybe you can still indulge the mutual attraction and enjoy that for what it is".

 

And then late last night when he should have been sleeping he hit me up for conversation. Down cute boy is down, I believe him when he says his head isn't in the right place to relationship.

 

So, I need a bigger picture than him again!! Maybe reach out to some new potential dates (been meaning to catch up with the cool but way too young and not attracted to him that way young guy who told me he had a massive crush on me a month ago. Just think it would be wise to spend some time with people who think I am that cool), maybe ask my old hugging friend if he wants to be a hugging friend again. Less neeeed will put me in a better position....

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Hnnnnng, attraction very confirmed Wed night. But also firmly reminded of the no relationships boundary.Which my head is still trying to translate as "i'm too hurt', believing he will warm to me over time. Bad belief, have to burn it with fire.

 

Thursday I patiently waited for him to be the one to get in touch, and got more and more irritable in the silence. And by the time he did I had filled myself with dread imagine us being intimate a while and me being I really like you, and him being, told you no relationships,right from the start. So by the time he did get in touch, I had the odd question of "do you think about me when I'm not around" to ask (which, I don't know why I've never asked someone this before, it's a more round about way of asking if they are crushed too). He said he had been that day but he thought that was cos I was fresh in his memory from last night. Which led to me expressing my anxiousness about getting closer to someone who has that boundary but in a very indirect way (because I don't want to push his boundary) which went right over his head. That night felt sad about the lack of potential relationship. But by the end of that my mind had kinda swung back to "if you can go into it knowing there will be an absence of emotional closeness because walls maybe you can still indulge the mutual attraction and enjoy that for what it is".

 

And then late last night when he should have been sleeping he hit me up for conversation. Down cute boy is down, I believe him when he says his head isn't in the right place to relationship.

 

So, I need a bigger picture than him again!! Maybe reach out to some new potential dates (been meaning to catch up with the cool but way too young and not attracted to him that way young guy who told me he had a massive crush on me a month ago. Just think it would be wise to spend some time with people who think I am that cool), maybe ask my old hugging friend if he wants to be a hugging friend again. Less neeeed will put me in a better position....

It's good of him to let you know early that he doesn't want a relationship yet, it can avoid any potential feelings from growing further and in the end it might just hurt both parties. Did he let you know the reason why he doesn't want to start a relationship yet? Most likely he is healing from a previous heartbreak too, is it?

 

As for my NC journey, it's currently day 15. While working out in the gym yesterday, the 'good memories' came by and I felt quite emotional, but I quickly reminded myself why the relationship ended. I am optimistic of this NC journey, slowly but surely one day if I get the thought of my ex, there will be no more pain. Just memories in the past.

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He said he wanted to focus on work and playing music for the next couple of years and see where it took him. And then added that he was pretty fresh out of something. So yeah, healing. Yeah, I guess, even though I haven't quite murdered hope yet, I haven't been so beholden to crush feelings the last few days.

 

I am at the end of a lot of work and not very much sleep and feeling a little bit glum tonight. Gonna soak in the tub and watch Rick and Morty and sleep I think, sleep will fix it.

 

Being able to talk yourself down from longing like that is excellent (as is a fitness habit, I'm jelly). Yeah, he will fade. Mine (the reason I joined the thread), I haven't thought about him at all since this crush. And I don't think anything will come of the crush but I still feel more chipper now than I did before (I continue to think because my interactions with this guy have somehow energised me to do more music and spend less time staring at the internet and he may - will, be more accurate in the stories you tell yourself 1a1a - fall through but that momentum has persisted so I am finding it easier to do things with my time.)

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Had a few threads on here about my break up. Tried a NC last week but caved after 3 days, She's been pretty adamant also about us not having a future after 14 months and is now seeing an old ex ex ex ex from when she Was about 16 (She's 22 I'm 24). Had a HORRENDOUS day yesterday where I unfortunately contacted her and said it was all my fault I treated you bad I never would again bla bla hopefully you can forgive me good bye, proper "feeling sorry for myself" email but have had no reply. She did make it pretty clear the first few emails that its over and for me to move on but you know how it is...I'm clinging. Had no reply to this email and I think its for the better. I have removed her contact info, Deleted her number so cant see texts/whatsapp. Removed snapchat. I'm blocked on Facebook which is good so can't snoop.

May have seen my threads on here about the issues such as when she had began seeing this old ex (we split 2 weeks ago, she was then seeing him almost instantly and felt the need to text me about it and then give me grief when she knew I was out drinking with friends or being "on the pull" as we say in the UK).

 

Need to begin my NC again, so here we go, Day 1...I can do this S***

 

EDIT: unsure why I felt so bad yesterday, I did go out Saturday night on the Drink hard and maybe the next day was just feeling sorry for myself a bit and caved.

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He said he wanted to focus on work and playing music for the next couple of years and see where it took him....

Very nice to hear that your thoughts of your ex is fading away! I believe mine too will fade; the thoughts of them will be nothing but just a distant memory in the past. How many days are you into your NC journey?

 

Had a few threads on here about my break up. Tried a NC last week but caved after 3 days, She's been pretty adamant....

You can do it jakeg. Day 1 is the toughest of all, I have been there. I truly understand your pain. I am on day 17th now. Wish you all the best!

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A song for you to howl along too Jake No more wasting your time on someone who isn't all in!!!

 

Funny story Sleek, ex and I are not actually no contact. Tech work brought us together and the first time we broke up he said "but we should keep working together because we are great" and I emphatically agreed with him. (and out of that intermittent contact a friendship grew naturally based on the common interests. Actually, seeing how happy he was wearing the friend hat was fuel to the fire required to burn up all those remnant feelings). Same again this time around and faaaark I saw a lot of him in the first couple of months, really really hard!!! Work's slowed down, contact's slowed down. Since my head is turned now by cute boy I could tentatively lean on ex as friend. Although, he will undoubtedly be busy, if he wasn't busy maybe we'd still be together ah hahah. But it's not going to sting the same when my expectations around him are friend shaped.

 

From that brief time of us trying to date again, at some point, one of my ex's hairs stuck to the tiles in the shower. I have noticed it from time to time (bumping the scab at first, then not as much, then not at all). We've had a house inspection for which I cleaned the tiles yet somehow it survived. I was looking at it last night thinking about how I've never bothered to remove it. How the hair is dyed red, how the fact that he dyes his hair makes me like him all the more. But that person with the red hair is not the person I dated, that person is fully and happily engrossed in their life and it doesn't need me in it at all. Pretty neutral feeling response to those thoughts. I have been feeling well loved and supported by friends lately too, and now enthused about playing/creating music, and getting my house clean (and procrastinating applying for better work). Life is going alright.

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I'm in bad shape lately. I miss my ex terrible. I broke up with new girlfriend when I realized she was just a rebound and I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I had. I feel like a terrible person and my actions support that.

 

I'm worried that I'm only attracted to toxicity at this point. Normal bores me. I want excitement.

 

My friend asked me recently when I told her I missed my ex, What do you miss? The cheating? The mind games?

 

I do miss the mind games. What's wrong with me?!

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hrb23, mind games are a fun but painful puzzle for the brain. It's asking you for the replenishing of the old reward system, which you can't sustain healthfully. Do anything healthful to weed out those remnant paths and clear and plant/reprogram them with something good. Another intimacy won't do. Not yet.

 

If the relationship dynamic was pretty toxic or even potentially abusive, you may need more than usual time for your mind and brain to heal from it. Some of this is healed naturally over the course of long NC and no repeat exposure. Some of it may take a course of professional therapy, including trauma reduction therapies. The point is to contine your timeout and keep finding the other *healthful* avenues that bring you joy, make you feel competent, and elicit your best sense of peace.

 

You're going to be ok. I miss the mind games too. But it's better to see those from a distance or in something like a game app or a television or stage script, and finally, not at all. Because they're cruel.

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A special date that was important for us is approaching and also an event hosted by mutual friends in which I'm almost sure he will attend so I've been feeling some "snooping urges" stronger than usual... but I don't want to give in because I've made so much progress until now. I know this might seem too dramatic since I think that I've fully accepted that it's over for good and that he's probably still with his girlfriend... but the truth is that I'd rather not see him nor know nothing about him at least until I'm living in the new country and fully adapted to my life there. I still think about him so I think it's better not to give in.

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Hrb23, well done for seeing a rebound for what it was. You need to build up the other facets of your life so the absence of a partner is less overwhelming. Its a long game but I know you can do it

 

Annia, you have this. Keep doing you, avoid things that will bump the scab where you can.

 

Soooo, I followed through on mutual attraction with cute boy. He wasn't affectionate but I expected that. Have concluded all the chemistry in the world can't make up for the absence of heart. Would still like more, accepting of the reality that that is a no go. In the aftermath things look promising for the continuation of the friendship. Although will we ever reach a point where He invites Me somewhere (who knows, I'm sure he'll need a bit of a buffer between that and intimacy because he is emphatic about it giving me the wrong impression). I'm aspiring to take people (including him) as they come. And surround myself with enthusiastic friend faces. This means no tagging along to see awesome band we both like on Friday (for when I expressed interest his reply was a 'you can come if you want'). I'll go see band I'm ambivalent about with band mates instead, somewhere I am unreservedly invited and wanted.

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A special date that was important for us is approaching and also an event hosted by mutual friends in which I'm almost sure he will attend so I've been feeling some "snooping urges" stronger than usual... but I don't want to give in because I've made so much progress until now. I know this might seem too dramatic since I think that I've fully accepted that it's over for good and that he's probably still with his girlfriend... but the truth is that I'd rather not see him nor know nothing about him at least until I'm living in the new country and fully adapted to my life there. I still think about him so I think it's better not to give in.

 

Be strong and don't let that snooping urges take over you, I believe in you Annia.

 

I am now on day 20 of NC, going strong although I had a few challenges (sudden flashbacks of good memories) but I have managed to overcome it and it has become lesser and lesser by time.

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Im bloody useless. Broke NC yesterday and got no reply. Ex is already with someone else so just isnt bothered in the slighest, an old ex from when she was like 16, seems reboundish but who knows. Felt actually a bit better all day with a bit of closure thinkin "right f it now, shes with someone else man up and get over it" but couldnt help thinkin about her just now and had a little cry 😅 Feel a bit better after it but jesus its not nice

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Im bloody useless. Broke NC yesterday and got no reply. Ex is already with someone else so just isnt bothered in the slighest, an old ex from when she was like 16, seems reboundish but who knows. Felt actually a bit better all day with a bit of closure thinkin "right f it now, shes with someone else man up and get over it" but couldnt help thinkin about her just now and had a little cry 😅 Feel a bit better after it but jesus its not nice

 

Aaah definitely can see that that would not be nice. Best of strengths to you!

Have you perhaps tried creating some boundaries for yourself to keep NC going for yourself? For example, I wrote down my ex's number and deleted from my phone. Just so I'd have to type each digit making it more effort. And a lot of the times I do not even have my phone close, but that's also because I never used it a lot. Just makes it harder for me to move on these urges.

 

Just a funny analogy What it feels like sometimes . The ending always cracks me up

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Last night was massive crash and burn.

 

I worked an awesome but long and stressful show, and as it wound down I had space in my head to remember that one of my lights has been stolen (from the night before) and someone will have to cover the cost of replacement. (Me? The awesome lady who was hiring? This is lose lose, this just f**cking sucks!!) I told the cute boy since we'd been messaging. He read it and didn't reply. I started to feel lonely, started packing up but really slowly, kept checking my phone for human contact but there was none. I remembered that I flicked my ex a text asking if he'd like to get post show food (crush on boy has made me feel like I am uninvested enough to pursue friend time with ex now. Probably wrong). He never replied either. All these no replies are starting to make me feel invisible. I thought about how this show had been full of very cute boys but I don't know how to break the ice with them, especially when I'm working. Or how to stealth work out who's even available. I wish people would break the ice with me. I wished I had companions to see, a place to be. Ended up in tears saying all this to a friend who was still awake (instead of packing up, working felt like moving through treacle). Spent two hours getting half of a job done that should have taken 30 minutes.

 

Knew last night I need to let the cute boy thing go if it's making me feel like this.

 

Today he wakes up and sends me a text saying best sleep everr (no reply to the message I had sent last night) and we backed and forthed a little. But we're all out of things to say now I think, exhausted the small talk. No where to go if he doesn't want closeness. And there's a new woman who's commenting on every single thing he posts on facebook. I wonder if they're talking and she's crushing. I wonder if he's talking to her right now? Cos he's online, but not talking to me (because we're out of things to say?!) Then I think I am probably more interesting to him than she is, and if I'm not, then she is definitely the person he should be talking to. Fecking facebook, it sucks. It tells me so much more information than I need to know!!!!!!

 

*cheers for Sleek Avocado and Elavohra*

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Hello everyone, hope you don't mind me joining the discussion. I'm on day 23 of NC and really struggling. I miss him so much and am dying to hear from him. We were together 6.5 years and living together for 3 years. I can't accept it really still, I love him and still hope he'll come back to me.

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The cute boy rejection still stings. Being alone is feeling hard to bear at the moment.

 

I completely understand. It gets better. I'm suffering from loneliness too, so you are not alone. Lol no pun intended. The cute boy sound like a butthole tbh. You have to go through a lot of frogs until you meet your prince!

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Hello everyone, hope you don't mind me joining the discussion. I'm on day 23 of NC and really struggling. I miss him so much and am dying to hear from him. We were together 6.5 years and living together for 3 years. I can't accept it really still, I love him and still hope he'll come back to me.

 

I am terribly sorry to hear that. You are welcomed here! If you don't mind me asking, what happened?

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Everything was fine, he was just as affectionate as always, we'd been to see his family the weekend before and mine the weekend before that and we were happy. I had no idea there was a problem, he still told me he loved me and was snuggling with me and being silly like always. Then he was a bit off for a couple of days just not himself and I finally pulled it out of him and he just said he couldn't marry me, that we were too different and that he loves me but he wasn't in love with me anymore. He said he feels that he needs to be independent. A lot of people had been asking us when we were going to get engaged and I wonder if that pressured him too much. His parents had quite a bad divorce and I think that messed him up with commitment but still none of it makes sense as we didn't fight and I never stopped him from doing anything he wanted to do. I had no idea there was anything wrong. My whole life has gone as I moved to London to live with him 3 years ago and so my job and my lifestyle was there too. I've now had to quit my job and move back to my parents house. I'm stuck in this horrible place where I don't believe this has happened and yet I can't do anything about it.

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Dilemma:

 

Going to an event that I'm almost sure he'll attend too or not?

 

Details: it's like a sports event with a group followed by a party... which means lots of time in his presence.

I should be over this right now but thinking about seeing him again there makes me feel uncomfortable and when I saw that one of the organisers posted about him going I got nervous. I've accepted that what we had is permanently gone, but I'm still not 100% over him and what happened between us to be honest.

 

A) Not care about him or anything and go anyway

B) Avoid it because I don't feel that I'm ready to see him now, specially if he brings his girlfriend

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