Need advice on how to handle someone who's come out of an abusive situation

[markoutsis]

This is my first time posting on here and i'm hoping that I do find some useful advice as I feel truly lost on this one...

 

I recently met this woman (29) - I'm 34 - who shares a similar background in terms of family values and experiences (schooling etc). We hit it off almost immediately and opened up to each other really fast which is something I don't do but it felt right. She sought me out and made time for me in her busy life and I reciprocated. We spent hours talking and hanging out with each other and it all looked good; she would constantly make compliments and tell me how sweet and cute I am etc. She went to Europe for 2 weeks and we texted every day, she kept telling me how she missed me and looked at my picture while we were apart so that she doesn't forget my face. Mind you this is all happening within the 1st month of meeting up so I'm cautious of the whole thing but happy nonetheless since I've been single for almost 5 years now and have so much to give just haven't found the right person.

 

During the time that we saw each other she did mention that she had just come out of a failed marriage about 1.5yrs ago (marriage lasted 2yrs) and had dated one person after that who she broke it off with because he apparently wasn't clean and tidy (i.e. there were water stains on his bathroom mirror... seriously???). All this made me question what i'm getting myself into but I believe that people should get a fair chance to prove themselves so I did commit those comments to memory but decided to give it more time. I also found out that her ex husband was quite abusive, a cheater, likely assaulted her and according to sources, he threatened her at gun point a few times... She never mentioned details and I did not ask - I thought she'd share when ready.

 

Earlier last week, she was so excited to see me and really wanted to spend the night with me at my place which we did (Monday). She was really affectionate but made a comment around her needing a bit more time... I thought she was just tired as she was jet-lagged from a trip and just wanted to rest and cuddle instead of doing more which i respected. She slept in my arms most of the night. We spoke a bit the day after, then all of a sudden on Wednesday afternoon i texted to see how things were and got a blanket "I'm sorry but have to follow my instinct... can't keep hanging out the way we have... it doesn't feel right for me. Really, really sorry, wish you all the best." Within 24hrs her behavior went from a 10 to a 0...

 

Here's my theory: I don't think I did something wrong. She has apparent trust issues and is terrified of being vulnerable again for fear of being hurt. When she feels she is becoming attached she just seeks an excuse to sabotage the relationship. Thoughts?

Next steps: I sent her a note explaining my position, how I see her, the qualities in her that I admire and that I don't want to give up on what we started unless she explicitly asks me to back off. This was last night and I haven't received an answer yet. At least I haven't received a negative answer.

 

I really do want to work on this, gain her trust so and be in a relationship because she is a genuinely good person that has been unlucky in the past. We all pick up scars in life and the worst thing you can do as a result is become permanently unavailable to love- that's like going to hell.

 

Any advice for me? What should I do? Not do? When should I do it?

 

Thank you in advance!

[melancholy123]

Your theory could well be right, since it sounds like she got involved with you perhaps too quickly. You've sent your note so now it's time to step back and see if she responds. Dont pester her. If she decides to give it a go with you, she will. If not, then she's not ready.

[markoutsis]

Really appreciate it melancholy... I definitely do not want to drive her away but also would like to stay in touch in any way, shape, or form that is comfortable with her.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she doesn't sound ready for dating, no less a relationship. At least she was honest and crystal clear about that rather than stringing you along. She needs a therapist, not a bf.

 

How did you find out about her marriage? Who are these "sources"?

"I'm sorry but have to follow my instinct... can't keep hanging out the way we have... it doesn't feel right for me. Really, really sorry, wish you all the best."

[markoutsis]

Unfortunately she doesn't sound ready for dating, no less a relationship. At least she was honest and crystal clear about that rather than stringing you along. She needs a therapist, not a bf.

 

How did you find out about her marriage? Who are these "sources"?

 

Thank you for the advice. This really sucks but that's life right? The person she was married to was semi-famous, local papers revealed plenty plus some common acquaintances we have corroborated the story.

 

So she responded today. She thought through what I wrote and responded to every single thing in my message. She's having some family issues (that's factual) and can't prioritize dating someone seriously until she's figured out what she really wants. It doesn't seem as she was toying with me but can't get past trust issues /fear of abandonment/abuse. I don't want to give up on her but also don't want to be in a push/pull sort of situation.