I just don't understand men anymore

[Rheist]

My boyfriend and I of one year has asked me for a break. It's been a week and it's driving my crazy.

 

A little back story. He is 33 never married and no kids. I am 31 divorced and have three kids. When we got together I questioned him on the marriage thing and he said he just doesn't believe in divorce and never found the person he could see himself with forever.

 

 

Two months into our relationship he found out he had testicular cancer. They removed one testical, however he lost his job due to being out for the surgery. After losing his job I was supporting his household and mine and finally we decided that it would be best for him to move in with me. My ex husband and I share custody of our boys one week one and one week off so 50/50. Shortly after he moved in we found out we were pregnant. And at 19 weeks we lost our daughter.

 

We stuck it out and worked on us. And things were great. He sent his grandma pictures of rings, started to talk about marrying me, telling his family that he has finally found the person he could see himself with.

 

Out of the blue last week he said that he wanted a break. His grandma told me that he just feels so overwhelmed with the cancer stuff, things going on with his mom (he's very close with his mom but she's in an abusive relationship and has basically chosen to stay over having a relationship with her son) and that he hasn't had time to process everything that has happened in the year we have been together. She said he cries to her and tells her how much he loves me, how amazing I am and that he misses me. Now his grandma is very matter of fact, even though she loves me I don't think she would tell me all of this if it wasn't true. On top of that, when I think of things rationally I realize he hasn't had time to process everything we have been through, plus add three kids into the mix I know it gets overwhelming.

 

We spoke for the first time today in a week. He called to check on me. He said he misses me and that he's sorry this has been so hard for me and he's sorry he's putting me through this but that he needed to be able to process all of this stuff going on in his life without allowing it to effect our relationship. I had given him two weeks to figure out if he wants to work on this relationship or not.

 

I told him that I respected his decision on moving out and I too felt like it was just too soon especially with everything else going on in our lives. I told him that if we decided to get back together that I didn't think we should spend every night together because it wouldn't give him the time he needs to work on his personal things, but that I would be there if he wanted to talk.

 

He cried with me on the phone and said that he truly believes I'm the one for him and that he is sorry he hasn't been able to give me 100% of himself and that he feels like he's only giving 5%. I explained to him that sometimes in relationships we can't give 100 and that that's ok, that's when the other person picks up the slack and that he has done it for me in the past as well. He said he loves me and that those feelings would never change he just needs to be able to process what is going on in his life to be able to have a relationship.

 

It's been so hard for me not to text him and ask him how he's doing, to ask him how work was etc. I miss his hugs and the way he pulls me close to him when he says he loves me.

 

I have my kids this week and of course they asked where he was. I told them that just like how they stay with mommy and daddy and they miss us when they are gone that Drew (bf) and I were going to live in different houses for a while to make sure we miss each other. They seemed to be ok with it, I answered a few questions , dried the tears of my 4 year old that "just wants drew back" but besides that they handled it a lot better than what I was expecting.

 

 

He told me today he didn't think it was fair that I gave him such a short deadline to make his mind up. I told him that I didn't want or expect him to move back in because I do feel like he needs that time alone but that I wasn't going to wait forever. That we needed to at least start to text and talk again if he thinks we can work this out. He said he doesn't see why things wouldn't work out but he wants to make sure that he's certain he wants this relationship.

 

 

So, men. Lol. What is really going on ? Does he want this ? He is afraid because he was looking at rings ? Is everything truly just overwhelming for him? Do you think he's going to want to work this out ?

[Krankor]

I would forget about deadlines. Just tell him "Look, if it's space you want, it's space you'll get. I'm not interested in these lengthy negotiations and frankly while we are on a "break" I'm not interested in hearing about your feelings. I'll always be there for you but you need to be here as my man if you want my support. Contact me ONLY when you want to come back and work on things together and if I'm still available we can talk, but for now I'm just going to consider us broken up and start moving on with my life."

 

No doubt he's going through a rough time but right now he's being selfish (in the name of being selfless) and stringing you along in a way that isn't fair.

 

Don't contact him yourself. I know you miss him but be strong and show that you are willing to walk away.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like so much, too soon and too fast all in the span of just a year. Moving in, cancer, job loss, pregnancy, arguing about marriage etc. It sounds like you are pressuring him to get engaged, get married, etc.

 

It sounds like he just doesn't want to get married and never did and never will. He may have talked about it when he lost his job and moved in out of guilt that you were supporting him. Where is he currently staying? Did he get a job and how is his medical condition?

[Rheist]

Hello. We never argued about marriage. He was the one that brought it up to his grandma, started asking me what type of things I wanted etc. funny thing is we never really argued. We had a few disagreements but nothing that wasn't fixed the same day. He even said today when he called that none of this has to do with me. Though, I do think we had a lot happen in just a year so it is the stress of everything added together

 

He got a job one month after moving in, so he's been there almost a year. Making good money. Right now he is staying with his grandma though he said he wants his own place. And sees this place being somewhere , where I can go when I don't have my kids and not have to worry about stuff. He has made plans like "we can have the kids come over during the weekend and do guy stuff while you have me time"

 

That's the part that makes me thinks he does want this relationship but he wants to take a step back.

 

He told me today he wanted this to be a reset for us.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like living together with you and your kids full time is not the right situation for him. His plans are to get his own place and see you when you don't have your kids.

 

Agree it's giant step away from the relationship and all the rushing and moving in and marriage talk. He does not want an instant family or to be forced into the role of step dad or have to deal with the realities of dating a single mom.

He got a job one month after moving in, so he's been there almost a year. Making good money. Right now he is staying with his grandma though he said he wants his own place.sees this place being somewhere , where I can go when I don't have my kids and not have to worry about stuff.

[journeynow]

I had given him two weeks to figure out if he wants to work on this relationship or not.

 

It's not about "men", it's about this man, this relationship, this situation, and you. (Let go of dismissiveness, the " So, men. Lol" and "I don't understand men anymore.") What this is is an opportunity for you to understand your self even more. If I were you I'd take the time and space to figure out what I want. If you give anyone a deadline, give it to yourself, but no need to give an ultimatum to any one else.

 

He has had a lot on his plate, and remember, committing is also a commitment to 3 children, which is not to be taken lightly.

 

I'm also of the belief that two people can create the marriage that fits them, if they choose to make that sort of commitment. It may be that you maintain two homes' he has his own, and you schedule time together….

[faraday]

In my experience "breaks" have usually been the start of the end .

 

I'd start mentally preparing for the break up (and if it doesn't happen, it'll be a nice surprise)...focus on your kids and yourself right now. Focus on moving forward and moving on...and take time to process everything that happened. Next time...don't let your kids get to know a bf until it's more serious. I know that the cancer sped things up...but Drew probably would have moved in with his grandma if he hadn't met you- and at 2-3 months in, he should have been treated more like a stranger than a husband (by allowing him to move in and play house). Kids are resilient, but we still don't want them to remember a revolving door of Mommy's bf's when they grow up.

 

I know I sound like I'm being hard on you...but I'm not judging you. I was a single momma too, and it's not an easy go...especially dating as a single parent, and balancing everything. Some days I'd wonder if I was going to be alone until my daughter grew up and moved out....it's lonely. But you have a bigger purpose now- you have to protect those babies of yours

 

So let Drew go for now. If he's going to come back, he needs to find his own way. Stop talking to his grandma...it's time to look forward.

 

Side note: I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby. That's really tough

[Rheist]

Thanks. That's what I'm currently doing is packing up his stuff. I figure he's moving out either way so why not. And if in a week he says he wants to reset still it will be a good start and make it harder for him to spend the night if he tried.

 

I made rules for him if he decides to work on this and one of them is not spending more than a set amount of nights together. He says this is all about other going on in his life so he has to be able to work on that stuff too.

 

I agree with the boyfriend thing. In 4 years he was the first they met. So it's hard because of that.

 

I truly know he loves me but that doesn't mean he wants this or he sees that this is something he wants to work on and I've made it very clear my kids will always be here, which he respects. I think he truly is just overwhelmed by everything but as I said he still needs to do his crap because I'm not going to do this on and off thing

[boltnrun]

"he said he wants his own place. And sees this place being somewhere , where I can go when I don't have my kids "

 

I find it very telling that he wants to spend time with you in the future only when you don't have your kids.

 

""we can have the kids come over during the weekend and do guy stuff while you have me time" "

 

Where are the kids supposed to be the rest of the time?

 

How are you two supposed to be married if he's not willing to be around your kids?? Does he plan to have a marriage where you and the kids live separately from him?

[JaggerJim]

I think things can go back to normal, if you don't talk about marriage or anything like that in the future.

[jujusamples]

I believe the space is not only good for your boyfriend, but for you as well. There are a lot going for the two of you. I know he has the cancer, but that also taken a toll on you. You were taking care of him and being there. You probably need the space more than he does.

 

I say, try not too think too much into it. He's still letting you know he wants to be with you. He just needs space. You just have to take his words for it until he tells you otherwise.

 

Maybe just give him more time. It's tough when it comes to space, everyone process things differently. I say give as much more time as YOU are comfortable with. You are right, you can't wait forever, so maybe a few more weeks to a month would sound fair.

 

Men are actually pretty simple minded. Whatever they tell you is exactly what they are thinking. It's just sometimes we tend to overthink what they say, so we think they are complicated. Once when I understood that, things were so much easier between my husband and I.

[Rheist]

"he said he wants his own place. And sees this place being somewhere , where I can go when I don't have my kids "

 

I find it very telling that he wants to spend time with you in the future only when you don't have your kids.

 

 

He said he wants to spend time with the kids , like below states

""we can have the kids come over during the weekend and do guy stuff while you have me time" "

 

Where are the kids supposed to be the rest of the time?

 

 

They are only with me one week on and one week off. He said his plan was to see me a couple times during those weeks and during the weeks I have the boys we start off with just the weekend with him getting to know the kids as friends since we jumped into it being more like a marriage. I would still keep my own home meaning they would be with me during the entire week.

 

How are you two supposed to be married if he's not willing to be around your kids?? Does he plan to have a marriage where you and the kids live separately from him?

 

I think I may have miscommunicated. He loves he kids and has told me that. He just feels like we rushed into living together and that the boys didn't get to know him before he became a disciplinary person. Which is what his step dad did with him.

 

I honestly think this was all overwhelming for him.