Mend things or break-up with depressed bf?

[annonymous1]

I've posted before, so if you know the story, please scroll down to the last paragraph, thanks!

 

I've been dating this guy for 6-7 months now. He told me on the first date itself that he has depression and is also taking medication and therapy for it. We got very close, very fast. The second date was him staying at mine for the weekend. Everything was amazing. He was the most understanding, polite, loving, caring, kind partner I've ever had. I was myself going through depressive phase since I had just moved in to a new country and have so much work load from university. He helped me a LOT to cope up with all that. He then stopped medication and therapy. But it went bad. He started being very rude and disrespectful. I stopped talking to him about anything related to depression and anxiety (expect a few times when I just wanted to be with him) after he once told me how it's getting a lot for him to handle and I slowly started getting more and more independent of him. I went to people like my counselor, family and friends. He has major family issues and I come from a more stable family. Although what he and his family go through is not normal for me, I have been with him through every issue. His family loves me and think that I am too good for him. He usually falls out with his family and usually too adamant about it. He won't talk to them for a long time. he doesn't forgive easily and he can't get over small issues. The other night a drunk homeless guy said something and he was still thinking about it the next day!

 

Although he got back on his medication, he has been so rude and a completely different person altogether. He decided to re-sit this year because he couldn't work because of depression. His student loan won't fund him because he had already had re-sat one year before. So he has little to no money. He was stressed and I get it. So I ignored all the rude things he said or did. But he apologizes and tells me what's stressing him out (6 times 10) and he genuinely feels sorry and promises to work on his behaviour.

 

But, I couldn't tell him my problems on chat or call. I needed to talk to SOMEONE ! So I started talking to his guy friend of mine. This friend tells me about his one night stands AND he knows about my bf and every time I have a fight with my bf he reminds me of how good my bf is and how it's a small issue that I shouldn't fight over. So once when I was so depressed about my bf cancelling every time, my friend decided to make light of the situation. He asked if I want him to come to meet me and I asked him not to, in a strict way because I didn't want him to cross the line. And we started talking about sex and just in the spirit, I said how I very rarely ask for sex and when I do, my bf would come running to me whenever I ask him to. I even told him how my bf keeps me satisfied in every way. But one night, this friend called me up while he was drunk and told me that he was loved me. I stopped talking to him. I told my bf about this (the biggest mistake of my life). So some days later, my bf went through my chat with this friend in front of me (he had probably gone through it before). At first I snatched my phone off him because I want him to not cross his boundaries and give my space and to have trust in me! But he felt bad and I agreed and I let him see my messages. He misread everything and completely ignored ALL the stuff I've said about him, how I loved him more than anyone, how I could never cheat on him, how I would do anything for him and even the part where my friend said how he is a good guy, how I should hold on to him, etc. At night he said it was okay and asked me not to repeat it (this was after my desperate messages to him and after unfriending this guy and losing all contact with this guy). My parents came to meet me. While my parents were here, he was okay-ish. He even met them and posted photos of all of us together on facebook.

 

He knows how much depressed I would be when my parents leave. We decided to meet up along with friends and he didn't come, cancelled last minute. He got mad at me when I asked him why and just said that he couldn't be arsed. And then I asked him if I could come to his, which he declined and said he would come to mine instead. He then cancelled that and said he would meet me the next day. I was frustrated at this point and didn't reply to his messages. And then he said he was going to come to mine with the easter eggs but I asked him to come after a few days (I really needed some space and I had assignments to complete). He agreed and sent me links and stuff. And then I asked him out for a movie, which he declined. I felt bad. The next day, I told him that I missed him. He replied that with a thumbs up!!!! I felt so so bad, got an anxiety attack and cried myself to sleep. After that I ignored his messages or just gave some small replies. I was so tired of being the one who is more understanding. Then finally we decided to meet. Surprise, surprise, he cancelled again. One hour before the meeting time. First, he made some excuse and then when I forced him to talk about it he just said that I irritate the f*ck out of him (when I didn't even meet him!?) and then after talking he went on downgrading me saying how I am a child, looking for attention and wanting to have everything my way. He wanted to stop the conversation and said he couldn't be arsed talking to me. When I forced him to resolve the issue, he was like he can't get over the incident of me and my friend and he thinks the only reason I go to his place is for sex and how he doesn't trust me. He said I was an idiot and asked me to go away, to f*ck off for some days and just rude comments like that. He even had tinder on his old phone after one month of dating and when I was surprised, he acted surprised that I don't trust him (he told me he hadn't been using it and didn't even notice that the app was there)! I didn't check anything. In fact, I told him he doesn't even have to uninstall (probably to prove my trust). He still talks to the girl he used to sleep with in France. He has no friends, just one friend (girl) with whom he had slept once too. But I didn't have trust issues when he called her to our first music event. We hang out with her many times and never have I checked their chat!

 

He was such a good partner but now he makes me feel like a cheater and treats me like . He thinks I have "changed" when it was he who pushed me away and forced me to be independent!!! My close friends told me how he only likes me when I am very dependent on him. They hated the way he spoke to me. I don't know what to do and I have SO MUCH university work overdue. He knows that I fight through depression and anxiety attacks and still decided to do this. Although, I hate it too, I can't help but think if this is in fact my fault? Maybe I shouldn't have messaged my friend like that ?

 

Anyway, through forums and friends/family's advice, I decided to break up with him but only after my exams and submissions because I know there would be a lot of drama that would follow and I won't be able to focus. Anyway, just last night, he messaged me "we can meet tomorrow". He, an really avid user of social media, wasn't online the entire day and when he did come online, he messaged me this. I asked him if we could postpone it a few days and he replied "forget it". I told him that I have submissions to work on (I can meet him but since I had decided to break up, I know there's no point in hanging out with him or spending the night with him). He is again offline, probably sleeping his depression out, I don't know. I am the only one for him. He has okay-ish ties with his family and friends. I know that if I break up, he will be devastated. Also, I have always felt that he loves me (except on times when he goes cold on me) which is one of the reasons why I stayed (that and I was initially extremely dependent). Once when I was mad at him because of something he did. I wasn't talking to him and he was trying to lighten up the mood and in the end said "I love you". I didn't say it back. He felt so bad that he actually started crying. Once, he almost got into a fight with a guy twice his size, just for me. Once when he went cold on me, I was really mad at him and didn't let him go until he told me what's happening. He finally told me how he feels like he has to do everything, like tick off things from a checklist, but still there are chances of me leaving him. This causes him so much stress and worry because he truly wants our relationship to work. He argued with his mum for me (although the matter was silly) I did tell him to sort it out but he said he won't talk to her for a while because he wants her to know how serious he is about me (She's not the best mom, btw. Although she's very sweet to me, she has been rude to him, many times even in my presence). SO, his birthday is coming up. I obviously cannot break up right before his birthday. I just cannot. I know he was rude, but I did love this man. Also, I don't want him to be alone for his birthday! But I know that if I celebrate his birthday and we ignore whatever he did, I won't be able to break-up. I don't even know if I should break up or just ask him to get into therapy or else I would leave. Please help! I am really beginning to miss him and I feel like breaking up would be very difficult especially because I know that I would leave him all alone.

[Hollyj]

I suggest you return to yesterday's thread. Everyone said that you need to eliminate him from your life! It is a toxic relationship!!!!

 

This guy does not care about, or respect you. He is very manipulative, abusive and selfish. You need to be done with things.

 

Block and delete.

[katrina1980]

I suggest you return to yesterday's thread. Everyone said that you need to eliminate him from your life! It is a toxic relationship!!!!

 

This guy does not care about, or respect you. He is very manipulative, abusive and selfish. You need to be done with things.

 

Block and delete.

 

Agree and SMH at why people will start a brand new thread with same exact information verbatim as the first one.

[annonymous1]

I suggest you return to yesterday's thread. Everyone said that you need to eliminate him from your life! It is a toxic relationship!!!!

 

This guy does not care about, or respect you. He is very manipulative, abusive and selfish. You need to be done with things.

 

Block and delete.

 

Yeah you're right. Guess I just needed to hear it. Thanks !

[Hollyj]

Yeah you're right. Guess I just needed to hear it. Thanks !

 

You've already been told by many posters.

[Hollyj]

His depression is not an excuse to treat you like sh*t!

[annonymous1]

Agree and SMH at why people will start a brand new thread with same exact information verbatim as the first one.

 

Sorry. Trying to delete it but can't. Have to wait 30 minutes before even editing. My apologies.

[annonymous1]

You've already been told by many posters.

 

I know. But since his message and such a brief conversation, I felt weird. I'm extremely sorry for the inconvenience. Trying to get it down / edit it out but can't for the next 30 minutes.

[Hollyj]

Don't worry about the post. You cannot delete this thread.

 

We are simply advising you to be done with this guy.

[Wiseman2]

He's not a good confidant. Talk to your friends, family and faculty. Get into counselling for your anxiety and depression.

 

Ask at school. Stop desperately clinging to a pile of trash, just for something to cling to.

 

"he just said that I irritate the f*ck out of him" This comment, is your cue to end this. It's abusive.

[SadSadgirl]

he isn't healthy and hot/cold behavior in a relationship is a relationship of disaster. read my threads about dating with a mental illness and codependency. when you break up with him, be prepared for water works and "I'll change!" you really need to let him go. don't drag it on, that's unfair to both of you guys.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.