Are you glad you divorced?

[Jolene576]

I am in a situation right now where I am trying to decide what to do as far as divorce is concerned. I hear about the lifelong horrors of divorce and how you never fully recover and that, in some ways, it totally ruins your life and your kids' lives. I have two kids 5 and 8. I don't want to ruin their lives, but I just wonder if there is anyone who is divorced who feels it was the best decision. Me and my husband don't fight constantly, in fact, we barely had any communication at all (not for lack of trying on my part), but then I found out about repeated emotional affairs and over time, things have fallen apart. We have been separated for 3 months and I am doing ok. I don't feel that I miss him or wan't to get back together. But he does. He doesn't want us to get divorced and he wants to do anything he can to save our marriage, but I don't even feel there is a marriage to save. So, again, I'm just wondering if there is anyone who's been divorced and feels that it was the best decision and that, though it was hard, it was worth the trouble and pain?

[Hollyj]

He has cheated on you repeatedly over the years, why would you consider returning to this?

 

You are not doing your kids any favors by staying in a relationship that has no trust or love. I know that when I have spoken to friends, who were in similar situations, they have stated that they had wished their parents had split sooner, so that they did not have to continue to witness a toxic situation.

 

He will not change.

[chitown9]

Hi Jolene. I like your name, by the way. I divorced my husband when our only daughter was 2 years old. My then husband did not value me. Everything else took priority over me. He job, his friend, his pot, his mother....just about everything was more important than me. When he was served for divorce he wanted to stay married and professed his love to me etc. It fell on deaf ears because his actions had already showed me that I was not that important to him and I was very lonely in the marriage. I had no feeling about the divorce. I did not want him back and I did not miss him. I cannot say that it was the same for my daughter, unfortunately. I do not regret my decision to divorce him. chi

[hopeful13]

I can actually answer this from two sides, seeing as how I'm a child of divorced parents and divorced myself. As far as it ruining your children don't believe that. I was young when my parents divorced and remember arguments they had, and I couldn't be more thankful they ended things, bc I feel them staying together would have 'ruined' me. From the divorce side, my ex husband was an alcoholic and verbally and physically abusive. I know this isn't what you are dealing with, but when I finally left he swore he'd give up drinking if I'd come back, but he'd pushed me for so long that I had nothing left to give him. If you really feel like you have nothing left and think you've done what you can to fix it, then you shouldn't make yourself feel bad for leaving. I haven't thought about my ex husband at all since I left. I loved him with all of me at one time but he pushed me to the point of having nothing for him. You will be so much happier if this is what you truly want. Trust me.

[IAmFCA]

Financially difficult and physically and mentally exhausting.

 

Best decision. Ive never been happier. Kids too.

 

There are reasons for our success and happiness level: i have worked hard to carry no anger, be therapeutically helpful to each of us, i parent intentionally to make sure my kids feel deeply rooted with me and secure that they have everything they need within themselves, i put their needs first and meet my needs also.

[Dominique]

Divorce is HORRIBLE. The worst 3 years of my life.

But my marriage was horrible. We didn't talk. Etc. Emotional abuse. Drama... It was not good.

What helped me make my final decision to divorce (I didn't take this decision lightly. It took me 7 years of thinking and trying to make it work, out of a 14 year marriage, to finally call it quits) was this....I asked myself if my kid called me and told me MY STORY, would I tell him to leave or go? I decided that if I stayed in my marriage, I was teaching my son to treat his marriage, his wife, etc. the way I was treated. I was teaching him to have the same relationship I had.

If you want to teach your kids it's ok to have what you have now, then stay together.

For me... I decided that I would want my son to seek happiness and to leave his unhappy situation and fight to be with his kids as much as possible. I would not want him to spend every day miserable and then raise kids who feel guilty that their parent chose to be miserable because of them. Most adults who grew up in unhappy households wish their parents divorced because it taught them disfunction.... Kids know when you aren't happy. No matter how much you hide it.

Divorce sucks. It's hard on you. Hard on the kids. Hard on your ex. It will be the absolute worst time of your life. You have to decide if your future and what you are intimately teaching your kids, is worth the sacrifice.

[Matt3939]

Can't say I've ever dealt with divorce on either end myself or family. Most of my friends though had divorced parents. Life moved on. On my end kids see the arguments. Now that I'm older I have no idea why some of my family members stayed together. I think age brings that realization.

[Wiseman2]

You are already separated and divorce is just a legal continuum of that. If you are happier, file for divorce and child support and custody arrangements. Why be in a dead marriage?

things have fallen apart. We have been separated for 3 months and I am doing ok. I don't feel that I miss him or wan't to get back together. I don't even feel there is a marriage to save.

[Seraphim]

I would not say divorce is a lifelong horror on the adults. My mom divorced and no longer cares. These are a long time ago but she couldn't care about either divorce now . She divorced my dad in 1973 and divorced her second husband in 1979. She couldn't care less about those divorces now. For children it is different . For children it is their entire security system the basis of their life and the basis of how life is. That has far more reaching damage. However that doesn't mean you stay in some relationship that is abusive.

 

Just know there will always be some impact on your children . And it's always in the back of their mind somewhere . Even though yes, life does carry-on but there is always an impact on your child's life that carries on the rest of their life.

 

My mother's marriage to my father was extremely abusive and yet it still hurts my heart 45 years later. Because the security of my world as a very small person was torn to pieces . That's why I determine very early in my life if I ever married I was never divorcing ever ever ever and doing that and my child(ren). And I have been married for 23 years and my son is almost 20 now and I am never divorcing,ever .

[Seraphim]

Now I'm not saying that it's not initially very painful for a couple of years for adults to divorce . Absolutely it is . My mother found initially the first five years or so divorce to be very painful . My brother is three years into his and he still finds it painful . He determined too that he never wanted to divorce based on his childhood but unfortunately his wife turned out to be abusive and crazy . So he had to . But he never wanted his children to suffer the pain he did .

[Dominique]

Abusive relationships are not worth saving.

[danewillow]

I've been divorced just over a year. Best. Decision. Ever!

 

We did not have kids do it was easier. But.... If we did have kids, I'd want them to see parents who are happy with their lives, not parents who wish they could leave each other.

[AutumnBorn]

I'm happy I divorced. I was miserable. My ex was emotionally abusive and my self-esteem was -12. It was hard at first, but I knew I'd never go back to what we had...if he would have put in any effort at all, acknowledged any responsibility for his actions, if he cared enough to stop playing head games, I never would have filed.

 

There's a great website that may be helpful - the most comprehensive relationship website ever:

 

Also, the book Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan. Not a relationship book - a sociology book - and eye opening, to say the very least.

 

Good luck.

[Mountainbeauty]

lol yes I am glad I'm divorced. Giddy even. If I were less of a nice person, I would drive past my ex's house slowly, honk, and when he came out, point and laugh.

[reinventmyself]

Initially you feel as if you are choosing between the worse of two evils. Divorcing gutted me, forever changed me. But a life long sentence to a bad marriage would have been worse.

One of the biggest reasons for my choosing divorce was I was raising two sons. I didn't want them to think that their parents were an example of what a marriage should be like.

 

Besides, the way their father treated me was unacceptable. No matter I much I tried, he put them in the middle. I didn't want my sons to think that women are to be viewed as a possession in a one down position.

By leaving I hope I taught them that people will not stay if they are not treated respectfully.

 

Some one already mentioned it, but you two don't communicate, are separated and already in short time you mention you are doing oK.

By the looks of it you are way ahead of the game. The rest is just paper work.

[Mountainbeauty]

Right?! You sound smart to me!

[Beelost]

I want to divorce every second day of being with him. Every other day I love him. He work in another country, so I often don't see him abouttwo-three months, and I feel even more comfortable when he's away. Is this situation similar to yours. I also have a child. And sometimes I start thinking, he doesn't love our daughter. But he does, but in his own way.