Weed or Me

[lucy1995]

Hi,

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months - he is 31 and I am 24. He has recently started smoking weed every night and I don't really like it. I feel bad because I know it helps him destress after work. I have tried to suggest other coping mechanisms but he doesn't like the idea of it.

 

One of the reasons I don't like it is because he lives about an hour from me - so I drive an hour to his house after work every night to watch him smoke a joint and get so tired that he just falls asleep straight away.

 

I feel like we don't get to spend much time together because of this. One night I was telling him that I was a bit upset and he fell asleep within seconds because he was stoned. I feel like I can't tell him what to do as it is his choice but I have expressed my dislike for it.

 

He told me he would stop at the end of last week but it is now Friday and he is still smoking every night.

 

What do you think? Am I overreacting?

[pippy longstocking]

It is rare to find a couple that go together if one smokes the marleys and the other doesn't .

 

I can well imagine why he feels like a smoke after a days work , it is no different from the millions of people who open a bottle of wine after work or have a beer.

 

But ... why the hell should you drive an hour to watch him fall asleep and that is the route I would take ...flat out refuse to go if he wants a smoke ..tell him why , tell him you are not wasting your time , your money , your life on watching someone smoke a marley then go to sleep .

[jujusamples]

You are not over reacting, you are just incompatible! He enjoys to smoke but you don't do it, therefore it's will be hard to understand the the things he does. Yes, I agree with the above posts, I rarely see a couple that one smokes and the other one doesn't. It just won't work.

[greta96]

You are not overreacting, I am against weed myself because I dated a couple of weed smokers and I know how miserable life with them can be, but I also don't care if others smoke - to each their own, as long as it doesn't impact my life. You two are not compatible, and even though I agree with you, I also know it's not your place to tell him what to do or not do. You can't control anyone else's actions but you have full control of yours, so if you feel his pot smoking is a deal breaker, then all you have left to do is end this and find someone who doesn't smoke. Continuing this relationship will only lead to frustration on both ends.

[Lester]

"Am I overreacting?"

- Not at all.

 

I had to live with one of these geniuses (that is, pot-head genius) for a while. Trust me when I say, one of the best days of my life is when he got tossed. (oh yeah, when awake, they know everything, then it's back to sleep.)

 

btw, Pot heads love to think/say they're just like beer drinkers, but really they're just druggies!

[pippy longstocking]

btw, Pot heads love to think they're just like beer drinkers. Ha!

 

incorrect ..we are far better ..we don't abuse people because we think we can take in the world , we don't have sex then blame it on the alcohol . we don't make d1cks of ourselves either crying over eveything or being outrageous in our actions . Don't insult us .

[Lester]

Us? ^^

 

Lucy, I rest my case.

[pippy longstocking]

Us? ^^

 

Lucy, I rest my case.

 

yes ..us you passive aggressive @rse ... I smoke the weed , so I was referring the weed to him , to me and anyone else ...what an @rse ..you are worth a ban lester because I thought your maturity level was a little better , but you really are a .d1ck

 

And that is why drinking is so much worse , because it gives little boys like you a bit of dutch courage

 

I gave the op an experienced yet fair answer ...

[pippy longstocking]

Infact tihs is not the first time you have done this to me lester

 

so come on ..man it up ..dont worry your screen will keep you safe .. get it off your chest , I don't do keyboard warriors.

[Fudgie]

 

btw, Pot heads love to think/say they're just like beer drinkers, but really they're just druggies!

 

I don't really understand the distinction. Both are substances that temporarily give way to an altered state and both can be used recreationally without addiction in many people.

 

I get why people don't like it, that's fine, but I don't understand people who are somehow okay with getting completely plastered/f'd up on alcohol but somehow weed is akin to heroin.

 

Let me tell you from a healthcare worker standpoint, I'll take the stoner patient ANY DAY over the drunk one. Drunk people are belligerent, rude, they vomit, and they yell at you and destroy property if you let them. Stoners are sleepy and easily distracted.

[Wiseman2]

You can decide your own deal breakers, whatever they are weed, time together, etc.. It's only been a few months so cut your losses. You can't fix, change or control anyone. He has the right to do whatever he wants after work. However you Do have control over cutting your losses.

He has recently started smoking weed every night and I don't really like it. I feel bad because I know it helps him destress after work. I have tried to suggest other coping mechanisms but he doesn't like the idea of it.

[superfan]

You aren't in the wrong OP, but you are incompatible. I agree with what others have said that if you are not someone who wants to smoke weed then you are unlikely to be a good match with someone who does.

 

I won't be with anyone who smokes either cigarettes or weed. It's not a judgment on them, it's a health issue. I am asthmatic so I can't handle the smoke. If you feel that it is not something you can deal with then I suggest finding someone else.

[superfan]

Infact tihs is not the first time you have done this to me lester

 

so come on ..man it up ..dont worry your screen will keep you safe .. get it off your chest , I don't do keyboard warriors.

 

Yeah that was pretty rude and uncalled for. I don't smoke it but I don't judge anyone who does and I have far more of an issue with people who drink than people who smoke. I have seen lives destroyed by booze in ways that weed can't.

[nutbrownhare]

As many on here have said, it's a question of incompatibility; when I was a teenager/early 20's, I smoked weed regularly. I stopped for various reasons at 23, but had no problem with other people who still smoked. Then, in my early 30's I had a relationship with someone who smoked regularly, and it was a very lonely experience. I'm not judging him at all, but I just wanted to connect with him in a way which wasn't going to happen.

 

Sounds like that's just about where you're at, too.

[Fudgie]

For the record, I won't date someone who does any kind of recreational drug regularly. That counts drinking too. I drink maybe 1x a week, a bit more on vacation, but not often otherwise. I have marijuana a couple times a year but would not partake more than once a month if I had it around more. I just can't stand when people turn their noses up at a joint on a moral high horse but then don't have a problem with binge drinking.

 

It's just a priority difference and that's okay.

[Wiseman2]

"I don't want to judge" is the main reason people stay in bad and incompatible relationships. When it comes to your personal preferences and boundaries you choose what's right for you, not what's 'trending'.

[No1]

This is the beginning of the cycle. You have a chance to get off the merry-go-round or you can stay on. His use for smoking is because he likes it and justifies it by saying "stress after work". You had suggested other outlets but he likes what you don't like. You either stay with him or you don't. He is not going to give up smoking pot for you. Choice is yours.

[Lester]

I apologize to you Pippy, and any other advisor I offended with my unwarranted, intentional swipes.

[SadSadgirl]

a pothead will not stop smoking weed for you. my ex was a major pothead and he said he would quit smoking, and he lied. here is their order of priorities:

#1. Drugs

#2. Significant other

[johnnydanger]

Man, some of the guys out there scare me. At least this helps other guys in knowing they aren't that bad after all. Smoking a joint every day, while his lady commutes an hour to see him and then he falls asleep soon after getting stoned and making the entire place reek.

 

Run my dear, and fast....

[ParisPaulette]

I'm going to be blunt here (punt probably intended), but this isn't so much about weed as it is this: you are in a "relationship" where you are simply an audience member who does all the work of going to the show, watching him perform nightly, then sitting there as he leaves the stage. I don't care if this is because he has two beers and conks out, or sits and watches TV until he passes out, or you drive all that way to tuck him into bed then turn out the light and watch him sleep while he is stone cold sober.

 

It all ends up as you a spectator with someone who is performing a loop they are stuck in. And your boyfriend is totally fine with this, why not? He does not have to do any work, no effort, not even a bit. And he gets an audience for free who probably does things like cook and clean as well, what's not to love on his end about that. He does not even have to pay you.

 

BUT what you don't get out of it here is the problem. You don't get someone who puts in equal time and effort in seeing you. You don't get someone you can talk to and share your life with. You don't get a partner to go out and do things with. In short, you don't get an equal.

 

So either be 100 percent on board with being a spectator only in this so-called relationship or change YOUR world and don't. And yeah, that means break up with him, because seriously what the hell. I nearly died of boredom just reading your post, I can't even begin to imagine having to live with someone like that. Don't care what his excuse for sitting on his butt while you're the audience member is. This is not about this guy being a stoner. It's about him being lazy and you enabling him by simply going over there, making all the effort, and not walking when you see he doesn't.

 

P.S. Agree with Fudgie, I'll take a stoner over an alkie any day of the week. But what I won't take ever, is someone who won't even try to have a life and interact with me and the world around themselves. Suggest you do the same, because he's not going to change. He has zero reason to, but even if he thought he was losing you and temporarily snapped out of it, the larger issue is his apathy and why he's just not alive in the world to begin with. And that's not something you can fix. Only him.

 

What you can fix is who you choose to have in your life and interact with. All you can control is you.

[thealchemist]

As a very dedicated husband who is a bit of a stoner I would like to say that none of your issues are directly weed related. I smoke but I don't ignore my wife or put things above her. She also does not smoke or drink. If you don't want to be with a stoner that's your choice. The things you stated as a problem though are not mutually exclusive with smoking weed. Using a habit like weed to blame shortcomings of a person is very dangerous. Then it's " if I could just get them to stop..." the traits are there already. Weed just brings it out.