Can an Emotionally Immature Person Change/Mature?

[LonelyJedi]

Hello everyone -

 

I'm having a very rough time when this breakup since March 24th, which is when my ex-fiance left me.

Literally overnight, she turned very cruel & cold to me... including her parents.

 

- We are both 24yrs old now, she left a week before our birthdays.

- We have been together for 6yrs, and planned on getting married at the end of the year. She chased me all those years ago because she really liked me.

- She has a tendency to put family/friends before me because she said she always wants to "please everyone". So I would always tell her that we need to only be concerned with us and make each other happy.

- I have noticed that since our engagement, our arugements got more intense than they should have been. I am wondering if it has to do with the fact her mother said "I wish I could be happy for you" (when she found out my ex was engaged to me).

- She said that in stressful situations, she often has "fight or flight" responses and almost always chooses "flight". I would encourage her that we can "fight" together and she doesn't need to run away all the time. She always told me she appreciated that and loved me.

- She would often go through "phases" (as I called them) because she would find interest in doing something, then all of sudden stop doing it and move on to the next big thing. I believe this was done in an effort to "fit in".

 

My FULL STORY is here: CLICK HERE

 

The day she left, she was very upset and was crying. Oddly, I didn't cry once. She left and took some of her stuff and told me I can "keep or throw away the rest". My ex said she'd be back the next morning to pick up just a couple more boxes in the basement. She said she wanted space and that she still loved me.

 

The next morning, she became VERY cruel and mean. I asked her if we could talk some more and she just said "No". Her parents came over to the house we bought and practically ransacked everything (and took things they shouldn't have). During this time, my ex was very heartless and did not show any emotion.

After they left, I told my ex that her parents took things that were mine. She said she would "drop it off on my porch" in a few days.

 

The next night, I completely lost it emotionally. I began crying uncontrollably and sobbing so hard. My mother, concerned, called my ex from my phone. My ex did not answer so my mother left a message crying basically saying that I was an emotionally wreck and that she was worried to leave me alone since I was so upset. She asked if my ex could just talk to me. In a few minutes, my ex texted me back but they were from her mother. The texts said: "This is 's mother. I understand that your son is upset right now. But this was not a sudden unexpected thing, has been unhappy for a couple weeks and he has been aware and choose to do nothing. If you are worried about , then perhaps he needs a mental health assessment. is not responsible for his happiness." (the "couple weeks" she was referring to were the few arguments my ex & I had before she left. I thought they were resolved since my ex told me everything was OK afterwards).

 

Of course, I cried harder reading this...

 

When that "drop off" day came, I did not know she was coming. I just heard a car door slam, a box drop (with glass in it) and saw headlights speed off into the night. She left a note on the box saying "P.S. When I say I don't want something, it is NOT an invitation to put it in my boxes. Don't play games with me." The items she is referring to was her birthday gift I got for her (she left a week before her birthday) and the custom luggage tags she bought for our honeymoon in December. I texted her telling her that my intention was not to play games, but I wanted to return those items to her since they were hers. She just responded with: "The is yours to play, return or sell. I wish you nothing but the best. Goodbye ."

 

 

I heard through a mutual friend that she is spreading lies and making me out to be the bad guy for EVERYTHING. She is not taking responsibility for ANYTHING bad that happened in & out of our relationship. She is blaming EVERYTHING on me...

 

A few examples:

" made me quit the gym, so I gained weight."

(I told her to quit the gym because she wasn't going for months and she was running low on money.)

 

"I would have talked to at the Christmas party a few years back, but wouldn't let me!

(We both did not want to talk to those friends at that Christmas party years back, we both felt uncomfortable being there)

 

She is basically telling everyone that we once talked to and her co-workers the world according to her and that I am this horrible person, leaving out necessary details. She was "bar hopping" (which she has never done before) with her co-workers (who I thought she didn't really like that much) NIGHT after she left, with all smiles and happiness. Is this a front? I also noticed that she did a complete PURGE of social media. Deleted all of the pictures she had of us and un-tagged herself from everything (pictures, posts, etc.) I couldn't stand seeing those pictures/purge on Facebook, so I removed her as a friend.

 

She has admitted to being a pushover to me before, but I told her that I always just trying to help & support her.

 

She is also deathly afraid of her family, especially her mother. She has been emotionally abused by her parents, especially her mother growing up. Her mother has called her a "b****" to her face, said she looked like hell, etc. The mother has also told my ex that crying is weak and to suppress her emotions. Meanwhile with me, I have always told her to let out her emotions and that our house was a "safe space".

 

 

Why is she being so unnecessarily cruel?

Can an emotionally immature person become mature?

 

Guess I'm waiting for the day when she texts or calls me.... asking to talk about this. Or has these last 6yrs meant NOTHING to her? Everything in our relationship was a milestone for both of us.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately some of these things while sounding very immature may be personality issues that will get worse, not better with time. In essence, most personality issues or disorders are about rigid, maladaptive and primitive coping styles...like this

[DancingFool]

Have to agree with wiseman here. From what you've written, the issues she has run much deeper than immaturity. Also, whether you are aware of it or not, you've been basically playing her therapist. Problem is that therapist/patient type relationships don't actually work out. You can't fix her or make her feel safe or whatever. In all honesty, you've actually dodged a bullet here.

 

As for her spreading tales about you, look at it this way. People are not stupid. Her close friends and family might swallow the bs wholesale or simply accept it out of loyalty, but pretty much everyone else will figure there is another side to those stories. For you personally, the only people whose opinion should matter would be your own family and friends. Your friends are probably already aware of her issues anyway. Just stay away from people who are trying to fan the flames and cause drama. If people are approaching you about whatever she said, stay calm, briefly tell your side and change conversation.

[reinventmyself]

deleted. . . . . . .

[ParisPaulette]

Yes and no. If they are a normal person with few issues, or even some issues but nothing drastic, then sure. BUT what you describe is hardly on the scale of any normal and it's not immaturity. That's you saying that to convince yourself things aren't as bad as they seem, but they are.

 

The woman needs a therapist, a trained one with a degree and no motives but helping a patient and getting paid to do so, a good one, plus the ability and desire to change enough to stick with it. And that is her road alone to travel, because the media lies to us all - love alone is NOT enough to fix something like that. Not even close.

 

Sorry man, there are no pat answers here. Get into therapy for yourself to explore why you stayed in such a toxic mess in the first place.

[Loralora]

Unfortunately some of these things while sounding very immature may be personality issues that will get worse, not better with time. In essence, most personality issues or disorders are about rigid, maladaptive and primitive coping styles...like this

 

I agree...

 

From my experience NO an emotionaly immature person can not change or marture!