It's like we are strangers

[absecret]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and for a few months now we barely talk. I try but he is either interested in something else or just plain not interested in what I am talking to him about. If I didn't try to speak to him our days would go like this: he greets me in the morning when he gets home from his graveyard job, I leave for work, I get home he may be sleeping or awake and watching tv or playing video games, if he is awake I greet him and do house work, then we say our goodbyes when I go to sleep and he leaves for work. And if it is a day off he would just watch tv and play video games all day long. I cant even remember the last time we had a real conversation that lasted longer than maybe 5 minutes. I've always known he is very selfish in his ways of thinking and doing, but now it's like he is actually not even in a relationship with me. As if we are just roommates who aren't even friends. I just dont know what to do because he doesnt do serious conversations. So how do I talk to someone who cant take me seriously when I speak and runs the other direction as soon as I bring up something important to our relationship?

[MissCanuck]

If you've only been together a year and you've already fizzled out to the point of not really even communicating, then I'm afraid to say prospects don't look good. How long have you lived together? Perhaps you two moved too fast and the honeymoon died out too early.

 

The bigger issue I see here is that he "doesn't do" serious conversations. That sounds like an immature and conflict-avoidant person to me. How can he expect to have a serious relationship when he won't engage on that level?

 

Then again, maybe that's your answer: superficial relationships might be all he is truly seeking.

[j.man]

Do you talk about boring ****? I'm joking... but kinda not.

 

It sounds like you two lack common interests to talk about. It's not selfish to not want to talk about or listen about things you've got no interest in. Just like it's not selfish of you to want to talk about them. Just means you two don't have material that's mutually conducive to an actual conversation.

 

What kind of topics are you raising? What's your idea of a "deep conversation?" Do you two share hobbies? Do you have your own friends who you can go to with things like venting about work or some of your more generally female interests?

[chitown9]

I've always known he is very selfish in his ways of thinking and doing

 

I would think that your different schedules contribute greatly to the disconnect, except for this statement that you made. Since his nature is to be very selfish, I don't see any hope for this relationship. It really isn't a relationship. chi

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this sounds awful. Is there a reason you moved in so soon? What is it you need to have a serious conversation about? It sounds like you are the nagging mom and he tunes you out.

I get home he may be sleeping or awake and watching tv or playing video games, if he is awake I greet him and do house work. I've always known he is very selfish in his ways of thinking. he doesnt do serious conversations.

[absecret]

Unfortunately this sounds awful. Is there a reason you moved in so soon? What is it you need to have a serious conversation about? It sounds like you are the nagging mom and he tunes you out.

 

Just trying to have a normal conversation with him, like a friend would have with a friend, he doesn't care to talk to me. He is either at work, sleeping, or playing video games and watching tv. He rarely spends time with me. As in maybe every other week he will spend 2-3 hours with me outside of the house. Other than that he is on his video games. And you cant speak with him on his video games unless you are gaming with him on his team. And then the little moments he is playing video games he ignores me when I talk. The serious conversations are not that often. But he is also one of those types that if he has hurt me and I try to talk to him about it he shuts down. He has no feelings about it and will straight up tell me its my fault for getting hurt. He has told me before its a defense mechanism he does because he doesnt like to know he is the reason for hurting someone and he knows it isnt cool but he still hasnt changed.

[absecret]

If you've only been together a year and you've already fizzled out to the point of not really even communicating, then I'm afraid to say prospects don't look good. How long have you lived together? Perhaps you two moved too fast and the honeymoon died out too early.

 

The bigger issue I see here is that he "doesn't do" serious conversations. That sounds like an immature and conflict-avoidant person to me. How can he expect to have a serious relationship when he won't engage on that level?

 

Then again, maybe that's your answer: superficial relationships might be all he is truly seeking.

 

I moved in after 6 months of being together. Yeah, he has always told me that he cant do serious conversations. And I knew that would be an issue but it has gotten worse now. I can now only get him to talk to me about something serious if it is over text message. That is the only time he can stay serious. When it gas to do with arguments he completely shuts his emotions down and will shut me out. He wont speak with me, he wont even acknowledge me when I am crying because he doesn't want to see me that way. He just doesn't like to see that he has hurt me so he basically will act as if he could care less and then I have to just get over it by myself with out talking to him about it

[absecret]

Do you talk about boring ****? I'm joking... but kinda not.

 

It sounds like you two lack common interests to talk about. It's not selfish to not want to talk about or listen about things you've got no interest in. Just like it's not selfish of you to want to talk about them. Just means you two don't have material that's mutually conducive to an actual conversation.

 

What kind of topics are you raising? What's your idea of a "deep conversation?" Do you two share hobbies? Do you have your own friends who you can go to with things like venting about work or some of your more generally female interests?

 

The selfish part I wasnt talking about conversation wise. He is selfish in the way of only doing what he wants to do. Which mean he is playing video games all day which doesnt give him any time to actually spend quality time with me. We are able to talk like normal people when we actually get out of the house. Which use to be once every week for only like 2-3 hours . Now I am lucky if I can spend some time with him maybe once every 2-3 weeks and still only for 2-3 hours. I dont think it is crazy of me to want to be able to talk to my boyfriend more like we use to and be able to go out with him once a week. Especially when all he does on his days off is sit in bed playing video games. But maybe you're right, maybe he has lost his interest in talking to me because he finds me boring.

[Wiseman2]

Plan more things to do that are fun and interesting for both of you. Not "talks like friends" . He's not your girlfriends. Do stuff. Bonding coming from doing things together not random conversations.

 

Do not talk to the back of someone's head. Leave the room, leave the house. Get more of your own interests and friends. Stay busy away from him and with others.

 

You bore each other from too much, too soon and over-saturation and complacency. Generate intrigue and interest by getting out more updating your looks and learning and doing new things without him..

 

Join groups, clubs, volunteer, take classes or lessons. Get in shape, eat better, put your effort in a self improvement plan not talking to the back of someone's head. Also pick your battles. Do not accuse people of 'hurting you', your hurt is subjective. State the actual problem....and an actual solution. Or create a solution.

[absecret]

Plan more things to do that are fun and interesting for both of you. Not "talks like friends" . He's not your girlfriends. Do stuff. Bonding coming from doing things together not random conversations.

 

Do not talk to the back of someone's head. Leave the room, leave the house. Get more of your own interests and friends. Stay busy away from him and with others.

 

You bore each other from too much, too soon and over-saturation and complacency. Generate intrigue and interest by getting out more updating your looks and learning and doing new things without him..

 

Join groups, clubs, volunteer, take classes or lessons. Get in shape, eat better, put your effort in a self improvement plan not talking to the back of someone's head. Also pick your battles. Do not accuse people of 'hurting you', your hurt is subjective. State the actual problem....and an actual solution. Or create a solution.

 

The problem is he doesnt really like to go do anything. All he wants to do is play video games. He use to like to go out and do things. He use to be more active. But now his only concern is staying home in bed to play games and watch tv. A good 50% of the time that he plans on taking me out, he ends up bailing to stay in bed to play games. He didnt use to be like that but now it is like pulling teeth to spend time with him. To him me laying next to him while he plays video games is spending time together. Which you cant talk to him while he plays because he is too focused to actually pay attention to what I am saying. I just don't know how to fix our lack of communication and quality time together when he actually doesnt seem to want it

[saluk]

The different work schedules is a huge factor. Most of the time you are with him he is on a different part of his daily cycle than you are.

 

Sadly it doesn't sound like the only thing. Communication is key in relationships - and he won't even try. What was it like before? Have you ever been able to communicate? What was different about then and now?