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Should we stay together?


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I am posting here because I don't really know where else to turn and I really feel like I need some help or advice on if I should really stay in the relationship I am in or be grateful for what was and let us both go our separate ways. We have been together for 7 years. Just for context I feel like I should mention we are both women. I want to say lately, but to be honest I am not too sure how long, things have been getting a little bit crappy between us. Overall I know we love each other very deeply, but I am not too sure that is enough anymore.


We met 7 seven years ago at a very carefree time in both of our lives. I had just finished my bachelors degree and was enjoying my new found freedom from study. She had recently finished college and immigrated to this country and was enjoying a little bit of hippy happy living while she figured out what she wanted to do with her life.


We were together for just over a year when our nice little bubble was burst by life becoming a little bit too real. My dad was involved in an accident, in which he was killed instantly. My life turned upside down in that moment and I know I have never been the same. My girlfriend was really there for me and my family and gave her all to help us through it. I found the whole thing really hard to deal with and repressed a lot of my emotions because I didn't know how to deal with them. They came out in other ways though. Mostly I started to feel a lot of anxiety, I liked going out to socialise less and less, and I felt a huge and overwhelming sense of guilt that I had never told my father that I am a lesbian. I think my grief and guilt spilled over into our relationship. We stopped having sex really. I was rarely in the mood to and when I was I felt a little bit guilty about it, because in a way I felt like it was this wrong thing that I was doing.


In parallel to my own struggles my girlfriend was having struggles of her own. The big group of friends I had met her with had been like her family here. But her best friend did some double crossing for his own benefit and she was left feeling out in the cold on the outside of the group and alone. All the while trying to support me through my grief while not really having any support network herself. The pressure of everything got to us and we did take something of a break from the relationship for a week.


We missed each other and got back together and tried to move along with life. We moved in together but our problems didn't end. My girlfriend lost her job and was out of work for a year. It was a stressful time with a lot of financial pressure on me. I had a professional job but I was only starting out in my career so money was short. It was a difficult time for her also as she felt stranded, ashamed and alone while looking for work. She never fully reconciled with her friends and being out of work she was missing just having normal social interaction. It was a real strain and I did consider just ending things during this time. I was looking around at my friends all enjoying life, and all I could see were problems in my own. I spoke to a friend about it at the time and she encouraged me to stay and stick with it.


Things did get better, my girlfriend got a job, we were able to get a better apartment, and begin to enjoy life more. The one thing we have continued to really struggle with though, is our sex life. I feel I have reconciled my feelings of guilt associated with sex, however in regards to sex with my partner I feel like we have just drifted apart. She says that she feels like I don't desire her and she gets more compliments from strangers. We have tried to have more sex and re cultivate this part of the relationship, but we are falling short and I don't know why. I feel like I have some sort of mental block on it and I don't know how to move forward.


I have not had many previous sexual partners and I have gotten a little bit bored of the same routine for sex that we do. I also feel shy and don't know how to open up to her to try new things. She has repeatedly told me she is open to trying anything with me but I am not entirely sure what I want to do either.


I started watching porn just to satisfy the urge for sex as it was starting to feel too complicated and boring at once to do it with my partner. She got really drunk recently and admitted to doing the same, and hates it as it makes her feel hollow and she desires to be with me.


I feel like the answer here seems simple, spice up the sex but I feel like I don't know how and the more she pressures for this the more that I run away. That is when I think maybe she should be with someone who can make her feel more wanted and for the desire and passion that she needs? Or maybe that is just me running away and being selfish.

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So she tells you she'd like to do things differently, yet you continue to stick to the same routine even though you are bored because you don't trust/accept her word?


Honestly, I don't think sex is truly the heart of your problem. The problem is that you are still carrying with you your unresolved emotional issues and it's long past due for you to seek out some counseling to deal with them for good. Whatever you've been doing over the years hasn't worked. Time to try something else. Otherwise you will continue to carry those issues forward to relationship after relationship. A case of wherever you go, there you are.

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