How do i move on for good

[davidadams1987]

Hiya all, so to cut a long story short me and my wife split about 3 or 4 months ago now for a few various reasons (she was cheating, there was a lot of arguing) it was just a bad place to be in. We have 3 kids together and I stop over on weekends to spend time with them. I also see them for about an hour a day after work when I pick them up from school.

 

Me and my ex are still friends and still talk all the time despite the fact that she's openly told me she's with someone else. The guy who she cheated on me with. My problem is that on the weekend when its just the two of us after the kids are in bed she will turn to me and say stuff like "my shoulders hurt will you rub them for me" or its her feet or something like that and me being the total fool that I am i'll do it for her and then afterwards i'll be mad at myself for being so easily led on. I feel like I'm being used but I cant seem to stop myself at the time Sometimes I want to tell her where to shove it, the next I'm doing anything I can for her. I need to tell her that I don't want to do this anymore so I can get over her and move on but I don't want it to cause trouble because she's my kids mom and I don't want to bring arguments into the house.

 

I know the answer is probably just to tell her straight and get it over with but even as a guy I've never been one to argue or fight or raise my voice or anything like that I know I'm too soft but that's not something I can easily change overnight.

 

any help/advice thanks.

[Heart of gold]

I don't think you should stop over. I don't know your practical situation but I would say either rent a place nearby or stay at a hotel when you see the kids.once the kids have gone to bed, you don't need to be there.

By doing this, she is getting the best of all worlds and you are stopping yourself from moving forward.

[charity]

How old are the children?

 

There are very simple things you can do.

 

1. Don't go to the house, take the kids out instead.

2. If you do go to the house, be gone before kids bedtime.

3.When she suggests that you rub her whatever...say no I'm not going to do that. Perhaps she needs reminding.

 

The real question is..are you ready to make the steps to move on? There's no needs for fights or arguing, I don't know why you think it has to get to that? Theres a big place in between being a person who can't say no and a person who has to fight to say no. Its called firmness and self respect.

[LondonMan33]

"my shoulders hurt will you rub them for me"

 

 

You have no self respect . whether you love her or not I would not treat a dog like this . If you want to be her toy keep doing what you are doing. Personally I would pick the kids up in a car and spend my time elsewhere with them . I would have nothing to say to that woman . I certainly would not be rubbing her shoulders after she,s been sleeping with another bloke .

 

get some self respect . no matter how hard it is.

[No1]

Going to her place is causing you a lot of anxiety. She is comfortable being at home. Just and idea, but why dont you perhaps choose a neutral location you can pick up your kids and drop them off. That way you dont see what you dont want to see and there is a far less chance for her to lead you on.

[Wiseman2]

Have you consulted an attorney to get advice and start the divorce process and get advice about the kids and child support etc? She has no more power over the kids than you do you are their dad.

 

An attorney can set up court ordered visitation and custody over which she has no arbitrary control. D Stop spending time there. Pick up the kids and drop them off. Where are you living now?

 

She's with someone no rub my shoulders crap, let the new bf do that.

my wife split about 3 or 4 months ago now. she's openly told me she's with someone else. My problem is that on the weekend when its just the two of us after the kids are in bed she will turn to me and say stuff like "my shoulders hurt will you rub them for me" or its her feet or something.

[boltnrun]

Next time she asks you to rub her shoulders or her feet, remind yourself that the other guy is rubbing her...well, everything. And she's "rubbing" his.

 

And what a mean person she is. Really. She does this to you because she can, and because she probably laughs at you in front of the other guy, telling him you're a sucker who she can get to do whatever she wants.

 

That would be enough for me to reply "you can get your boyfriend to rub your whatever".

[davidadams1987]

Next time she asks you to rub her shoulders or her feet, remind yourself that the other guy is rubbing her...well, everything. And she's "rubbing" his.

 

And what a mean person she is. Really. She does this to you because she can, and because she probably laughs at you in front of the other guy, telling him you're a sucker who she can get to do whatever she wants.

 

That would be enough for me to reply "you can get your boyfriend to rub your whatever".

 

Thank you so much I feel like I needed to hear that. Any advice on how I go about confronting this?

[No1]

I hate the word "confront". That instantly puts the other person on the defensive and usually, they will respond in a way to hurt you, or to have you back off, or they will tell you what you want to hear, and in most cases nothing will be solved and one ends up getting hurt.

 

Just be honest with her and be civil about it. I know it hurts and you probably want to hug her and yell at her all at the same time. Slow down, relax, breathe and just know that saying things to hurt her is not how you go about doing things. I would also avoid bringing up the new BF. If she says rub my shoulders or anything like that, you can politely say "It wouldn't be right" "Love to but I cant" or you can say "Not my responsibility" or whatever, just don't mention the BF or actually touch her.

 

I know the situation you are in is so tough and I feel for you. Just know in the long run, things will happen as they are supposed to happen. Maybe you were meant to be with someone else, who knows, only time will tell, but you will be happy again. good luck to you

[JoeyD2000]

Yup it's crazy however if you reject her she will respect you more.

 

Right now she has got it all over you. All you are doing is stroking her ego. She sounds insecure too.

 

As hard as it is try n move on. Would you like your next girlfriend getting her ex to rub her shoulders when you're not around?

[davidadams1987]

Not sure if I should put this is a new post altogether or just on here but I still need help. A quick update I read everyone's advice (and thanks a lot by the way to all of you). So I went down yesterday determined to tell her that I'm not going to be doing those things for her anymore once kids were in bed and I don't know if she somehow sensed something was different or it was just bad timing but she started telling me what a bad week she had what with kids being off school stressing her out and she had an argument with her mom and she started telling me how lonely she was all week(even though I'm pretty sure the other guy comes round when I'm not there). Anyway we ended up getting a few drinks to cheer her up (which was bad) and I ended up doing the exact same thing (Which was worse I know). So I'm sat here the morning after and I'm pretty sure I was just manipulated into it but I just cant seem to help myself. I know I'm hopeless but any help/advice you could give I would be really grateful thanks.

[JoeyD2000]

Not sure if I should put this is a new post altogether or just on here but I still need help. A quick update I read everyone's advice (and thanks a lot by the way to all of you). So I went down yesterday determined to tell her that I'm not going to be doing those things for her anymore once kids were in bed and I don't know if she somehow sensed something was different or it was just bad timing but she started telling me what a bad week she had what with kids being off school stressing her out and she had an argument with her mom and she started telling me how lonely she was all week(even though I'm pretty sure the other guy comes round when I'm not there). Anyway we ended up getting a few drinks to cheer her up (which was bad) and I ended up doing the exact same thing (Which was worse I know). So I'm sat here the morning after and I'm pretty sure I was just manipulated into it but I just cant seem to help myself. I know I'm hopeless but any help/advice you could give I would be really grateful thanks.

 

 

 

Did you sleep there? make out? or did she ask you to go home?

 

Clearly you are still emotionally attached so if she said for example i'll dump my new guy & try again with you?

 

Would you?

 

 

& ask yourself this what would your advice be to a friend in your position?

[charity]

Well you got the advice, no sense in us all repeating the same thing to you.

 

You either do it or don't do it. Up to you.

 

Sometimes we have to go lower and lower until we are ready to do what we have to do.

[boltnrun]

"I know I'm hopeless but any help/advice you could give I would be really grateful thanks."

 

Please see previously posted advice on this thread.

[Dominique]

If your kids called you and told you this story, what would you tell them to do?....

 

Whatever u are doing now, you are teaching your kids to do. So choose your actions wisely. Ur children will repeat the lessons they see. They will do what you do, not what you say.

 

I left my ex because I didn't want my child to repeat what I did, and go through what I did, and treat someone the way I was treated. I realized that EVERY TIME I allowed myself to be mistreated and used, I was teaching my chhildren it was ok to be used.

 

Choose wisely. Your babies are watching.