Feelings from the girlfriend of a family member who is a survivor

[Outoflines]

I have never posted on a forum for anything before much less something this important or personal but I've heard these are good places to look for help.

Here's my story.

My boyfriend of almost two years got a phone call about eight months ago that his younger brother 19 years old had killed himself. Since that day my world has been upside down and backward. Watching his family who we are pretty close to grieve and fall apart. His mother barely eats and has lost the will to live. His dad is stoic. His surviving brothers from what I can tell aren't really coping and neither is he.

My once loving, funny, and incredibly supportive boyfriend is gone. What's left is a shell of a person completely incapable of connecting. He barely talks to me. Spends the majority of his time outside of work PC gaming or disc golfing. I understand that he is not himself and probably won't ever be. He and his brother were pretty close. His brother we'll call him J used to spend almost every night at our house just hanging out. My boyfriend we'll call him F doesn't have many people outside of his brothers that he spends time with outside of work. He refuses to get help saying he doesn't have time. He is very obviously depressed and has completely shut me out. Last night he got drunk and we argued. He left after telling me to move myself and myfour year old daughter out. About 30 minutes later there was a knock on the door. A police officer was there and my heart dropped out of my chest. He told me f was sitting outside of our apartment building and had called them because he was feeling like he may harm himself. The officer gave us some advice for people he could talk to but i doubt he will follow through. I push and push for him to get help. I try to get him to talk to me. It usually ends up with me in tears and him ignoring me. I am frustrated and I feel selfish for feeling lonely and needing him when he is obviously hurting so much. I am at my wits end. I have no idea what to do or how to help him. I have tried to be patient but its so freaking hard to get him to talk to me or anyone. I know that in order for him to attempt to heal he needs to grieve in a healthy way but he's completely shut down. There's a wall between us and its name is grief. I try to talk to family and friends about my concern and lonliness and grief but no one seems to comprehend. So many people seem to think that he should simply get over it and it makes me so angry because how the hell is he supposed to do that. I am not going anywhere but I know that I cant even begin to understand his pain in a way that could effectively help. I am here for him but how can I be with someone who is so far gone. Catch 22 I guess. Anyway. If anyone out there has been through something similar. I would really love some advice on how to cope and help him do the same.

[DixieThePixie]

Hi there, and um, I feel bad for saying I've been in your shoes but...I have been in a way. It really hurts. And from what I've read, you've talked to him about seeing a professional therapist or counselor? Because he's obviously shutting down mentally. But also, from personal experience when it comes to suicide and grief in my own relationship, it took me a very long time to actually...realize that I needed professional help. A close friend of mine ended his life when I was 15, and I didn't seek any sort of help or therapy until I was 19. My current boyfriend only just now started seeking therapy when we started dating, and his trauma was also years ago. Sometimes...unfortunately, it takes time for the wound to kind of sink in, though I hate to use that word. No, he does not have to "get over it", there is not getting over the loss of a loved one like that. Be there for him, I understand the frustration, but only he can be the one to eventually accept that kind of step forward.

[Outoflines]

Hi. Thank you for responding. I am so sorry for your ever present loss. He knows he needs help. We've talked many times about pursuing professional help, or support groups, even forums like this, anything. He just can't seem to bring himself to follow through. I feel so helpless.

[Billie28]

Hi,

 

My partners best friend died recently. It wasn't suicide but a tragic accident. It's not quite the same situation but I can empathise with you being the partner of one going through grief.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way but I am wondering what exactly it is that you are doing to support him? Saying you are there for him is not the same as actually being there for him.

 

The fact that he has held his job down suggests to me that he is coping somewhat. He is using game playing as the distraction outside of work, the times he would otherwise have spent with his brother. That's ok! I know it's been 8 months but I sense that you perhaps tried too soon to encourage him away from his distraction of mind.

 

You need to try harder to avoid conflict with him and be the strong one. Don't cry in front of him. He needs you to keep all else together.

If he doesn't want to go to a particular event etc, don't push it. Allow him that alone time. But make sure you go to the event without him etc

 

Make all the little things in life easier for him.

 

If he won't go to therapy , I would suggest you do.

You can learn tools to keep your own mind healthy and how to react to him.

 

The reason why his grief will take longer than usual is because he will be stuck in the stage of guilt for longer given it was suicide. Even though that guilt is irrational.

 

Google the 5 stages of grief and try to recognise what stage he is at.

 

Good luck

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this is how he copes and grieves and can't be the bf you want and need right now. 8 mos? Please let this poor guy breathe and grieve.

 

It may be best to back off and let him grieve his own way rather than try to fix him so that you can restore this for your own sake: "My once loving, funny, and incredibly supportive boyfriend".

 

Stop nagging him to get help. Stop nagging him to talk to you. Stop playing therapist. "Your world" wasn't "turned upside down", his was. This isn't about you.

My boyfriend of almost two years got a phone call about eight months ago that his younger brother 19 years old had killed himself. Since that day my world has been upside down and backward. I push and push for him to get help. I try to get him to talk to me. It usually ends up with me in tears and him ignoring me

[DixieThePixie]

Hi. Thank you for responding. I am so sorry for your ever present loss. He knows he needs help. We've talked many times about pursuing professional help, or support groups, even forums like this, anything. He just can't seem to bring himself to follow through. I feel so helpless.

 

I can understand the helplessness, and with that comes frustration because all you want to do is help him right? You want to help him through this, is what I'm assuming. My current S/O and I actually have only fought over one thing, and that was a simple misunderstanding over how we grieve differently. Your situation almost seems similar. Perhaps seeing a counselor yourself might be helpful as well, and could even provide you with helpful insight. Be present, be aware with him without breaking down. You are going to have to be his rock while he builds himself back up. And yes, it may take a long time, but just be with him without smothering him. Be comfortable with him, be yourself and move forward so that you both can heal.

[Outoflines]

Hi Billie28

I am doing all of the things you've suggested and more. I cook. I clean. I take care of the kid. I pay the bills, I don't ask him for anything. I don't expect that he be at my family functions but go to all of his. I not only do all of these things without complaint normally. I also make sure that I am there when he actually does need someone to cry to. I listen. I hold him. I remind him that I am there to listen and that I'm not going anywhere. I avoid talking about my feelings because he needs to focus on him. I do my best to avoid crying in front of him but every once and a while I can't seem to keep my emotions in and it's usually in frustration when he doesn't do something that I absolutely can't do for him and ends up yelling at me for telling him that he needs to get it done over and over. Like make an appointment with the doctor and go to it which right now is detrimental because he has pretty severe sleep apnea and he needs surgery in both his nose and throat to fix it. He makes excuses to avoid these things and I am so sick of nagging at him because gentle reminders don't work. If I don't follow him around and almost force him to do it he wont. I have done the research about how to help. I have read books. I am in therapy. I have googled the stages of grief. He flip flops between guilt and anger normally. You're right with suicide it's a lot more complicated. Not saying that with other forms of death it isn't but there are a lot of additional things for survivors to wrap their minds around. The guilt and constantly asking yourself why to name a few. Especially because J did not leave a note. J was not showing signs of depression. He was not into drugs. He had plans the following week to start looking at colleges, and a tattoo appointment, and plans with his friends. He did it because of a girl and because he had a few drinks. It was an entirely impulsive decision as far as we can tell. I think that this will probably end up being more of a place that I can vent and collect knowledge of what other people are doing to cope.

[Outoflines]

Sorry I am still trying to get the hang of this mess

[Outoflines]

Sorry still trying to figure out how to use this

[Outoflines]

Unfortunately this is how he copes and grieves and can't be the bf you want and need right now. 8 mos? Please let this poor guy breathe and grieve.

 

It may be best to back off and let him grieve his own way rather than try to fix him so that you can restore this for your own sake: "My once loving, funny, and incredibly supportive boyfriend".

 

Stop nagging him to get help. Stop nagging him to talk to you. Stop playing therapist. "Your world" wasn't "turned upside down", his was. This isn't about you.

 

I am very aware that this isn't about me. Which is why I am here hoping to talk to people in similar situations. I am here to vent, to get advice, and to hopefully learn to cope with my own feelings without burdening him. It's pretty difficult to watch the person you love fall apart again and again every day and not be able to help. I am very aware that to be that person is significantly worse. If I could take his pain I would. I avoid nagging at him. He has all the space in the world. Believe me. I ask if he would like to talk when he seems receptive to conversation. I don't play therapist at all when he chooses to talk. I listen. I hold him when he cries. I have never more than gently suggested he get help until I found out he was thinking about harming himself. Of course after that I was a bit more adamant but never naggy. Suggesting possible options but not demanding. I was pretty upset when I wrote this post last night so I can see that I was not as clear as I could have been.