Saw Him Tonight

[WombatShadow]

Happy Easter, ENAers!

 

So I saw the ex tonight for the first time since the breakup. Please forgive me as I (possibly over)analyze the night.

 

Immediately, three things were obvious:

1) He grew a beard

2) He was wearing a ring

3) He had lost weight

 

These are all somewhat concerning to me and the rest of our group, namely because he has never been able to handle having a beard for more than a week (too itchy), hates wearing jewelry, and last year dropped 50-60 pounds and had been maintaining a weight on the lowish end of healthy. When he was in the bathroom, we decided to play detective a bit, because he did actually seem to be back to his old, jovial self and we wanted to make sure he really was.

 

One of my friends asked him about the beard, because we were all distracted by it. His answer was that he had been too lazy to shave, which made even less sense because the administrators in his school are against facial hair (he had to shave his sideburns when he started teaching there). Furthermore, I know him well enough to know his facial hair growth, and I'd wager that he hasn't shaved since the day he broke up with me. I then asked abut the ring, and he said that one of his school moms had given it to him because he seemed stressed out "After the...once I started growing this." Guys, he looked right at me as he paused, and I know he meant that he was saying he started growing the beard after the breakup. Also, last time he talked on the phone with me, he kept choking up when he'd say the word "breakup". Both of the last times, actually. Whether he was still upset about it tonight or trying to save my feelings, I have no idea.

 

As the night went on, it started to become clearer (to me, at least) that he was putting on a show for us. His laughter was forced. His smile didn't always meet his eyes. He was shoving jokes into the conversation half the time where he used to be able to weave them in seamlessly. It was like I watching someone who had intensely studied my ex acting out his role like we were in a play. It was good, but not quite right. He also mentioned that he'd been drinking a lot, which worried/worries me. He explicitly promised me that he wasn't going to start drinking more when he broke up; he did it after his dad died, but that was during the summer and he didn't have work. He's now drinking on school nights, which he only did rarely before.

 

At the end of the night, I gave him a small present for his classroom. His eyes softened and his smile was genuine. My other two friends started talking about the car trouble one of them was having, and that's when my ex and I always used to zone out (we can't keep up with their car convo). Sure enough, he kept talking about his gift. How much he liked it, that he was trying to figure out where he could put it in his room that would be visible but also not stealable, and how much he really liked it. He then started telling me that kids had been breaking into his room during after school and taking his cool stuff/any valuables, and I jokingly told him that his gift wasn't exactly valuable (homemade for like $7). He looked me dead in the eye and said that he loved it. Then we just looked at each other for a bit, before I said I was glad. He said thanks, I replied, and then I made a show of looking at the time (one of our friends had another engagement, so I knew that would end our evening).

 

Then came the kick: he suddenly put back on his fake smile, told each of our friends that he loved them (typical goodbye for our group), but didn't say it to me. I wasn't expecting him to, exactly, but it still sucked to be singled out.

 

So, how do I feel about the whole thing?

 

It was both easier and harder than I thought. Easier because the group as a whole still functioned normally and easily, which I was concerned about. Harder because my damn hormones were playing up and my heart kept skipping a beat when we'd make eye contact, and because there was apparently this small corner of my mind that was hoping he'd reach out and take my hand over the table (we sat right across from one another). I think I covered it pretty well, or at least my friends told me so while my ex was in the bathroom. It was also harder because I was really hoping that he would be doing better, but instead...he seems to be worse. Losing weight, drinking more, growing a beard (which also provided a unique challenge to me, because I love when he has facial hair and he knows it), not keeping up with his work or his own classwork...he doesn't seem to be doing well. Funnily enough, I thought I would be happy to see that he was having issues post-breakup, because that would mean he was second guessing himself. I'm not glad, I'm just worried. He chalked all of his stress up to school, but I know his school stress. This isn't it.

 

We agreed to get together as a group again within the next four weeks. So what do I do from here? Do I tell him that I enjoyed seeing him tonight? Do I talk to him about what's actually going on? Do I just not talk to him until he talks to me?

 

Ugh.

[HeartGoesOn]

Can I ask why you brought a group of friends with you?

 

Other than that, my guess is, if he wanted to reconcile he would have made that clear, rather than risk losing you to someone else. In addition to that, I'm sure it's easier said than done, but I would begin the steps of moving forward.

[WombatShadow]

We've been friends far longer than we've been lovers. Our little group has had other people hop in and out over the years, but we've been a pretty solid core since middle school. People have been telling my ex and I that we'd end up married since middle school, too, but it was never the right time for dating until we were in our 20s.

 

Anyhow, we hung out as a group tonight because he wanted our whole group together to celebrate his birthday. Since he was up in the area for the whole weekend (he lives a couple of hours away), I did ask him if he'd like to grab ice cream or something with just the two of us. He replied that he thought we should hang out as a group first before we hang out alone again, which I accepted. It's also worth noting that he has been more amenable to texting me since then.

 

I am trying to move on, sort of. I've gone out on a date, I've talked to several other guys, I'm investing myself in my life without him. But he is still on my mind. Like, not all the time, but more than I'd like him to be. I still feel like our relationship is fixable, and the fact that he seems to not be dealing with it well is bothering me immensely (he broke up with me; why is he the one drinking so much and falling behind on his work because of it?).

[WombatShadow]

I texted him that it was good to see him tonight. No response.

 

He's been doing this since the breakup. He'll read my texts, not respond to them, but then reference them again later in person or over the phone or even in a different message. It's been getting better recently, but it's still an issue. And right now, it hurts bad. I'm feeling levels of upset that I haven't felt in a month. He told me before the breakup and after it that he wanted to stay in regular contact, and that he didn't want to go the path he has with his other friends where he barely speaks to them unless it's to set up a hangout once every month or two. And sometimes he seems like he means it, but other times he does stuff like this. I didn't ask for him to tell me those things, I wasn't the one who said over and over that I wanted to stay in regular contact, so why has he gone so hot and cold on me?

 

I know he doesn't like texting all that much, but he also doesn't like talking on the phone, and it's not like we live five minutes from each other and can run out for coffee on the fly to communicate. On the flipside, he has told me over and over in the past that he gets his feelings hurt when his friends/family don't contact him, but he also refuses to contact them first. He and another member of our group literally do not text each other except in the group chat because neither of them will text first, but they both have their feelings hurt that the other won't text. This has been going on for years.

 

I almost feel like I need to ask him straight-up if my contact is bothering him, if I should cease it, or if he actually enjoys hearing from me and just doesn't have the emotional/mental capacity to respond half the time. This is hurting me, and I can't keep doing it like this.

[1a1a]

*fistbump* I'm in the same boat of having been left and still feeling all the feelings and patchy communication hot and cold, still work together want to stay friends ness. It's a really sucky boat.

 

If you two are going to go back to friends, I expect you will need a large bit of space between that and dating, enough for your feelings to fade. In the mean time, look for reciprocity. He isn't reciprocating text messages so I'd drop that for now.

[Clio]

All this analysis is meaningless. There is nothing to gain from it. You are talking about him as if he is some helpless person who doesn't know his own good. He is an adult. He is making choices all the way. He has chosen that he is better off without you and nothing in his attitude indicates that he has changed his mind. You need to stop overanalyzing things...

 

You need to decide on your boundaries and protect them. He is not going to protect your boundaries for you. He is going to get in contact whenever it suits/soothes him and disappear whenever he feels like it. The vast majority of dumpers do this if given the opportunity. You can get off the rollercoaster whenever you choose but he is not going to do it for you. Or you can go no contact to heal from the one-sided attachment.

[WombatShadow]

I am and always will be an overanalyzer.

 

I talked things over with a (non-mutual) friend of mind. The ex doesn't have school today, so when it's a more decent hour I am going to text him and ask if he wants to talk on the phone or if he wants me to send him a longer string of text (though I might just send him the link to a Google Doc so I don't have to text out so much). I'm going to explain that while I understand that he is under a lot of stress, I cannot handle him not responding to my texts half the time. The last thing I want to be is an additional source of stress for either of us, and that I want to get together to discuss what's going on, what he actually wants from me, what happened in our relationship, etc. If he doesn't want to get together to talk things over, I will accept that, but if that's what he chooses then I am also completely gone. I cannot stay in a friend group where one of my friends is no longer allowed to talk to me (I'm a single woman, after all) and another one refuses to communicate like a normal person. I know I'm worth more than that, and I can't keep putting myself through Hell for people to whom I am largely unimportant. If the ex decides he wants to talk things over, I will let him make the decision on when and where within the next month; I can drive to his place, or he can visit me alone before we next hang out as a group. If he really doesn't think he can talk with me over the next month but still texts me and wants to stay in my life, then I will schedule a weekend after his school is out and my musical is over for me to drive down there or for him to come up here.

 

There's just a lot that needs to be said in person. A lot of questions both of us need to answer, a lot of things we need to exchange. I can't keep living in limbo like this, and I don't think he can, either. I do not want to leave my friend group; I've been friends with them for more than half my life. I also can't just let myself be used just so the group remains intact instead of because I am valued as a person.

[WombatShadow]

Okay, so I talked to the ex this morning. I ended up writing a big letter on Google Docs that spilled my heart out, talking about how I'm feeling used and that he doesn't seem to really be putting his money where his mouth is in regard to wanting to keep me in his life. A lot of other stuff, but the gist was that I wanted to talk to him in person about what happened in our relationship and whether or not it can be fixed to even let us be friends again, because we tried to have that conversation over the phone a week after the breakup and it turned into a huge fight, which we had never had before. My main goals for the meeting, on my part, are to apologize for my contribution to decline of our relationship (I got really clingy, likely owing to depression that was egged on by bad birth control), to figure out why he actually broke things off with me, and to determine if we can actually become friends or not. The letter also stated that if he didn't want to talk in person, I would be categorically cutting him out of my life. No more Facebook, no more group hangouts, no more anything.

 

I texted him this morning to ask if he could talk on the phone or if he wanted me to send him the letter to read. He was afraid to have a phone call because he thought it was going to turn into a big fight again, but I told him that there would be no fighting. He wanted to talk on the phone tonight, but then we ended up continuing our texting conversation for a while and he decided that if I was able to call him, he was ready to talk then. So, we talked a bit. He sounded awful, actually, like he was really stuffed up (he wasn't at all yesterday), but I think some of that was due to wariness. Anyhow, we made a little small talk and he said that he knew we needed to have the relationship talk at some point. He's going to visit me the weekend that he is coming back up, which has yet to be decided but will be in the next four weeks sometime. I did not go into most of the contents of my letter, but I do plan on bringing up a lot of it at our powwow.

 

I'm looking forward to explaining what I think went wrong, how I think it can be fixed (and the steps I've taken in that regard), and that I can't continue being used as a just a person to fill out the group. I'm hoping he has a better reason for the breakup than "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and that the time apart has made him miss me as more than just a friend. He did apologize for not texting me back half the time; I asked it it was stressful for him to text me, and he said that depending on what the topic was he was very stressed out. I told him I could stop, and he said not to because he thinks good communication is key. Also, I don't know what the hell happened last night. I think the moment where I gave him his gift threw both of us off, because there was palpable energy around us. I wanted to leave him on a good thought, so I texted him, and (if I'm right) he stressed out because he wasn't expecting those emotions and so was unable to text me back, which made me feel rejected and sent me into a downward spiral. After some broken sleep (both of us had bad nights), we both felt more able to deal. I got over myself and reminded me that he owes me exactly nothing, and he ended up texting me that it was also great to see me.

 

So that's where I'm at. I now know that I apparently regress when I'm exhausted, and I also know for a fact that he's not dealing so well with things. So, overall, I have come out with a net positive, but not without a fair bit of pain to accompany it. I'll post again if we have any interesting developments or after the big talk.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's on a self improvement program, changing his look, losing weight, cracking jokes, laughing, having fun, sporting gifts from lady admirers, etc. A clear sign he's moved on.

[WombatShadow]

The "lady admirer" who gave him the ring is in her 40s, married with three children. I actually know her, and she is in no way interested in him beyond making sure he's taking care of himself (he's got a whole platoon of teachers who play Mom for him at his work). I also believe that he's not sporting the beard because he likes it; he's genuinely just too lazy or stressed out to shave it. He did the same thing when his dad died early in our relationship...actually, a lot of what he's doing reminds me of what it was like after his dad died. The drinking. The slacking. The lack of shaving. The veneer of positivity that begins to crack when he's around people for too long.

 

God, that realization hurts.

[mustlovedogs]

You can't really fairly give him an ultimatum. Talk to me or our friend group implodes. That's basically what it comes down to, right? He doesn't owe you anything but being cordial in a group.

[WombatShadow]

That was in the letter that I didn't send, and there's more to it than just that. One of our friends is no longer allowed to speak to me except for very special circumstances because I am now single and his girlfriend is jealous. My presence in the group has already kind of jilted his ability to hang out with us. Further, just like my ex doesn't owe me anything more than cordiality (though he has been begging me to be in the group again so it would be weird if he wasn't more friendly), I don't owe him the pleasure of jumping to see him and clearing my calendar for him to set up group meetings. I can be friends with the others without having to see him (or at least, I can if my friend's girlfriend ever stops seeing me as Public Enemy No. 1), and if we're not on the same page of feelings...isn't that what would be best for everybody, instead of sitting around and waiting for excess drama?

 

But he never received that ultimatum, so it's a moot point. We both need to talk, and frankly I don't think I would be able to just comfortably slide into the group without knowing where we stand. He agrees with me on this, by the way; I'm not just being that psycho ex who is demanding outlandish things. We both sensed last night that there were things we needed to say in person, things that we can't do via text or even over the phone (we tried that once, and it was the only fight we've had).