Confused about my relationship

[20Whattodo17]

I have been dating my bf for 2 years and 5 months now...I found out that in the beginning of our relationship he was using dating apps (tinder and other creepy sites) and when i confronted him about it for the first time he lied to me about it however, i kept finding out he has profiles here and there...I actually don't know if he actually ever cheated but it was a breach if trust either way...We sorted that issue out however i still have trouble trusting him cause i don't know if he is still using these sites...I chose to forgive him however and continue the relationship.

 

I am the type of person who doesn't talk about my feelings especially if it really hurts me, i go above and beyond for the ones i care about i feel satisfied when the ones around me are happy but this also means i forget about myself sometimes, we are both students in our mid twenties so we are not loaded with money so i always do little things that are inexpensive but i know would make him feel good, like massaging him every night, when he has to wake up really early (and i don't) i basically am his alarm clock and i still wake up with him and prepare his coffee and send him off his day, i make sure there is a cooked meal every evening, i do most of the cleaning and laundry...When i am doing all these chores he never offers to help he wants me to ask for his help and i really hate that, i want to see his own personal will to do things for me the way i do them for him....We have already spoken about this but nothing ever changed

 

He still has pictures of his ex on his phone too which are backed up on a hard drive so he can't delete them off his phone and we have spoken about this and he knows how i feel about it yet he says there is nothing he can do even though it's as easy as connecting the hardrive to a computer and delete it...

 

I don't want to change my bf or make him do things he doesn't want to do i think i have been too lenient with him so he thinks he can do with me as he pleases...I have come to the point where i feel like my feelings for him are slowly wearing off because of everything that has happened and i think i deserve someone who can care for me as much as i do for them....

 

Should I leave him or is there any advice someone can give me about my situation?

I truly appreciate it xo

[Wolfboy702]

If you're unhappy with how your relationship is going, you need to talk to him. Whether you outright break up or try and straighten things out is up to you but to be honest if it's got to the point where your feelings are wearing off, there may be no going back. Perhaps say you need a break and give yourself a week or two away from him to help decide how you really feel. Even if he says he'll change and he's sorry take the time, it will help you gain perspective on the situation.

[20Whattodo17]

Wolfboy702 thank you for the advice I will definitely take it into consideration maybe a break is what i really need just to get a clear head again.

[Annia]

I think that at this moment there are two problemas: you don't have a voice (you say you don't express your feelings and you seem to be afraid of speaking up) and you seem to be contributing more to the relationship than him. It seems unbalanced to me. Do you feel taken advantaged of? Do you do all this things for him out of genuine care or because you're afraid he leaves? Do you really trust him? Do you feel that he's equally committed into the relationship as you do? These are all things to consider.

[20Whattodo17]

I think that at this moment there are two problemas: you don't have a voice (you say you don't express your feelings and you seem to be afraid of speaking up) and you seem to be contributing more to the relationship than him. It seems unbalanced to me. Do you feel taken advantaged of? Do you do all this things for him out of genuine care or because you're afraid he leaves? Do you really trust him? Do you feel that he's equally committed into the relationship as you do? These are all things to consider.

 

Yes i do feel taken advantage of and i also know its unbalanced so does he but he still doesn't do anything to change it in his words "i love you in my own way" he isn't the romantic type either who lights candles stuff and that's okay with me but he can contribute more in his own way...Yes i do all of these things because i genuinely care i am not afraid of him leaving if i didn't do this these things i would be going against my own nature, and i don't really trust him either the last cheating or dating app incident we had we almost broke up and i did notice a change in him since then but can't he just go back to these sites whenever he wants??? ....Recently past month or so he has been doing more than usual but that is also the same time i started thinking that i deserve more than what i am getting out of him in this relationship....

[nutbrownhare]

After two years, you will have a pretty clear picture of the way things are going to be. Often, in a relationship where one person is putting in far more effort than the other... eventually they'll get tired of it, as you are doing.

 

You can't change another person, as you are aware. The difference between being controlling and being assertive is that, with assertiveness, you tell the other person how you feel - and then let go the outcome. Trying continually to get the other to change is controlling, and it will eventually wear you down.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the websites; if they're in the past and you've noticed a change in him since then you're probably OK. After all, ANYONE can go on those websites whenever they want, yourself included. Doesn't mean they're going to.

 

It's interesting that he seems to be doing more than usual recently; possibly he's sensing that you're getting fed up.

 

Whatever... if you're not ready to end the relationship, put more energy into yourself and your needs (without waiting for him to do so, because that probably isn't going to happen!), cultivate friends and interests outside the relationship, continue being pleasant and cheerful around him and generally take care of your own happiness.

 

If you ARE ready to end it... well, you know what to do.

 

You might also be interested in a book called 'Women who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood.

[melhartt]

i go above and beyond for the ones i care about i feel satisfied when the ones around me are happy but this also means i forget about myself sometimes, we are both students in our mid twenties so we are not loaded with money so i always do little things that are inexpensive but i know would make him feel good, like massaging him every night, when he has to wake up really early (and i don't) i basically am his alarm clock and i still wake up with him and prepare his coffee and send him off his day, i make sure there is a cooked meal every evening, i do most of the cleaning and laundry...When i am doing all these chores he never offers to help he wants me to ask for his help and i really hate that, i want to see his own personal will to do things for me the way i do them for him....We have already spoken about this but nothing ever changed

 

He still has pictures of his ex on his phone too which are backed up on a hard drive so he can't delete them off his phone and we have spoken about this and he knows how i feel about it yet he says there is nothing he can do even though it's as easy as connecting the hardrive to a computer and delete it...

 

I don't want to change my bf or make him do things he doesn't want to do i think i have been too lenient with him so he thinks he can do with me as he pleases...I have come to the point where i feel like my feelings for him are slowly wearing off because of everything that has happened and i think i deserve someone who can care for me as much as i do for them....

 

Should I leave him or is there any advice someone can give me about my situation?

I truly appreciate it xo

 

My boyfriend is a bit similar to yours in many ways - also been with him 2 years and 3 months now. I also do a lot for him because I love him and do things for the people I love, but also because certain things just have to get done, like cleaning the apartment and buying groceries! I cook almost every meal, am the alarm clock, wash clothes, clean the apartment etc. etc. He works and doesn't have a lot of time, I am a student and also don't have much time but am more flexible. I confronted him about never helping me and never saying thanks and he has made an effort to change and show that he appreciates what I do. He goes shopping with me now, and helps clean occasionally, and we also made a deal that I pay less rent because I do more work in the apartment. He is also not romantic and that is almost the toughest part, but I like you can deal with that as well - but if I were you I could not deal with the pictures or the dating apps.

 

That he can't delete them is the worst excuse I've ever heard. Sure he can delete them, he just doesn't want to. If he just has them on an old hard drive somewhere with a bunch of other old pics, that's one thing, but what you're describing sounds like he has them on the cloud somewhere, accessible any time. If they're just photos from when they were together and he doesn't actively go look at them often, I wouldn't stress about them, we all have past relationships. Is he still interacting with his ex a lot or what makes you feel uncomfortable about the photos? If they are nudies that he likes to get off to then yeah that is definitely not ok. Also he doesn't need any nudes of his ex anymore and for his ex's peace of mind too should prob be deleted.

 

My bf had some nudes of his ex too, and some of both of them f***ing that he was keeping as "leverage" can you believe it, but I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable (she had also been trying to worm her way back into his life by texting abuse at him) and he deleted them, and blocked her.

[abitbroken]

I don't think you are taken advantage of - you are freely doing and giving of those things - massages, waking him up, etc.

 

I think because you don't talk about your feelings, you go overboard in "doing" for him because you expect to get better in return - and that's not how things work. He is not going to delete his ex's photos because you clean more. I think taking a break from him and taking time to explore your own feelings and to find your voice in general in life is in order, but more so - you may notice a HUGE difference if you start by asking him to set an alarm clock or not be so quick to pamper. Also, it would be one thing if you asked for help and he refused, but he isn't. Its okay for someone to want to be asked and feel wanted. There are people i know that don't want people in "their kitchen" and get annoyed with people underfoot and we know to stay out of the way unless asked to help. My mom and uncle are two of them. you don't go in there and start touching things and interrupt their process or need for time away from the party

 

Honestly, if he just had old pictures of ex from 5 years ago - that would be no biggie to me if he had no way of deleting them off the "cloud" - i mean, those were his vacations, too, but its all the other stuff about the dating sites that would be a no go for me. I can see if we were dating 2 months him still having them, but 2 years is excessive.

 

I think that you should switch things up - ask him if he would put his laundry on so you can do X, etc. Just try it for once. And after you shed the whole housemaid/martyr deal, you might see things in a different light.