When apologising isn't enough

[MonkeyHusband]

Help!

 

I've been with my partner for 6 years, married for 2 and I've always struggled with communication and conflict resolution. Well, I've made a slip that has spiralled out of control. Now we're 5 days into a conflict and I've got no clue how to resolve it.

 

So this is what happened. At first it seems something quite minor: I didn't ask my best friend if his wedding was going ahead or not (as last I spoke to him, he didn't know). My friends wedding is in Thailand and my Wife wanted to go. However because I didn't find out if it was going ahead, after repeatedly being asked to by my wife, she made a career choice which means she can no longer go. Last week my friend phoned me and told me it was all going ahead later this year, which has upset my wife deeply. She now says that she wouldn't have taken her new job if she'd have known - and of course with this it's dredged up other bug bears about how I don't plan for the future or talk about issues etc. The implication being that this might have been the start of a bigger "sabbatical" or something

 

Anyway, because I found out whilst we were on holiday with friends and family, we haven't been able to talk about it properly until today, so she's been stewing, and I've been beating myself up for days. I can't go back in time so I can't fix this, but I have promised to see a life coach to help deal with communication and future planning issues. She's still wildly-angry with me. I've never seen her this upset before, so it obviously meant a lot to her. We've tried talking about it, but personality wise we couldn't be more different - I'm a massive introvert and she's a massive extrovert. She becomes more aggressive in conflict and I become more stand-offish. Simply put the conversation was : she got angry, I apologised a lot.

 

the last thing she said was 'is that all you've got to say?' before storming off. Now, to my logical mind, that is all I had to say - i apologised profusely, took the blame, and pledged action for personal development. I don't know what else to say or do - Help!

 

Monkey

[hihihi13]

I can relate to what you just described. I feel that my bf also has a hard time communicating and resolving conflicts. Even when he's in the wrong and accepts it, all he says is sorry. And that's not enough for me either, a sorry doesn't always cut it. He too says the exact same thing: 'i apologized, what else do you want me to do'... And that's probably the worst thing you can say.

 

In your case though, you have sought out external help so you didn't just stop at an apology. However my advice is that perhaps you can make it up to her in another way. Surprise her with a planned outting, maybe some tickets, a nice dinner and dance, a small gift, do something she likes... Just to show that you are sorry and you're trying to make it up to her. That's all she really wants, to know that you realize your mistake, emphasize, and care enough to do what you can to put a smile on her face.

 

Also, be more open. Be more explanatory in your apology, rather than just saying sorry. Perhaps mention what lead this to happen, how it slipped your mind, or that your friend himself didn't know etc and that it wasn't intentional etc etc. Communication is key.

[mustlovedogs]

It's frustrating asking someone repeatedly for something that matters and then finding out their inaction impacts your life negatively. I speculate this goes beyond the Thailand trip. I'm sure she's immensely frustrated that you behaved this way. She probably thinks you're lazy and don't care about her feelings. Just a guess.

[Lester]

I've found in many of these types of beginnings/marriages the husband does not know what is expected of him.

 

So here it is: Sooner or later, you must become the head of the household.

By doing so, your wife builds her respect for you.

 

That's not to say you are going to change into some sort of bully/King, but instead, a true partnership. (You become one.)

 

So you can understand, read Gary Smalley't "If only he knew" (Never let her see this book.)

[journeynow]

She now says that she wouldn't have taken her new job if she'd have known

 

I can't get my head around this, that she would make her career choice based on someone else's wedding. You don't have to go to the wedding, that is your choice. But I don't understand her reasoning, that someone else's wedding DAY could affect her job choice, which is more important in the scheme of things. How about couples therapy for the two of you? You are not entirely to blame, you know. NO need to take the blame or to keep apologizing.