Jy1986usa Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 So my girlfriend (ex now) broke up with me about 3 months ago. It was totally unexpected and she never gave me a reason. I was crushed. She wanted to be friends but I simply couldn't. It still hurts a lot but I've finally accepted the break up. However, I feel really embarrassed about how I acted post break up. I went a little crazy. I begged her to take me back for the first week. Then again a couple weeks later. Another couple weeks later tried to talk to her as friends but quickly couldn't keep my composure and again asked her to come back to me. At this point she was clearly getting annoyed by me and we got into an argument in which I told her to get out of my life. Didn't have any contact for another month or so and then had a breakdown. I texted her. No response. I fb messaged her. She read the message and then blocked me. So I called her more than a couple times with no answer. And even showed up at her house unannounced. That freaked her out and she ended up texting me basically saying leave her alone or else and she will never talk to again. So I'm done now with her....finally. But I'm really struggling with how pathetic I acted and how far I pushed her away from me. It kills me that someone I used to share a bed with now literally despises me. And all because I couldn't respect her decision to end things and give her space. So my question is should I be beating myself up over this? She is the one that decided I wasn't good enough for her anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 All you can do is learn from this experience. Break-ups are tough and you hurt. Some people react by completely withdrawing and some (like you), go totally overboard. From now on, leave her alone and go NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Hi. Don't beat yourself up over it. Tons of people have done similar. Breakups are hard, and it can be difficult to control your emotions. It's even harder when you're not given a reason for the breakup, and harder still when the person goes cold on you or is insensitive to your feelings. Take this as a lesson learned and don't do any of those things anymore. Cut her off completely, go no contact, and give yourself the time and space to heal. You'll only do more damage to yourself with further contact. But don't continue to feel embarrassed. What's done is done, and you didn't do anything that thousands of other people haven't done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 Don't be so tough on yourself. You aren't the first, and you certainly won't be the last, to act a little crazy after a break-up. The main thing is you've learned a valuable lesson from your actions. Truth is, it's probably how most of us learnt how NOT to act after a break-up. She doesn't despise you. She just wanted her space. Now you are giving it to her and she will respect you for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennylove Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 It's fine. Odds are, you'll never see her again unless you try. But if you do see her unexpectedly after a year-ish, odds are, you won't care, and she won't remember those details. Really though, she's nothing/nobody so don't worry about what she thinks. She's just a dot on your timeline, nothing more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Dont beat yourself up about this or anything else that happens in your life. Use it as a learning tool, so that you dont repeat that behaviour again. You are lucky she didnt put a restraining order on you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jy1986usa Posted April 16, 2017 Author Share Posted April 16, 2017 Thank you for the replies. I appreciate it. Quick follow up question. So we met through friends so we we're apart of the same social group. I pretty much have been ostracized from the group because of all this. And that really sucks because it was my main group of friends while we were together and now because she's closer to them than I am and my neurotic behavior I'm the odd man out. I'd kind of would like to eventually be able to make amends. They're all good people who don't hold grudges including her....I think. But it won't happen unless she at some point can forgive me and can at least tolerate being around me. So ladies is this unrepairable? If a guy you dumped did that to you is there any way you'd ever let him back into your life or at least be comfortable being around him? If there were not close friends involved I would just prefer to never see her again. I know the answer at least for now is to stay away from all of them and let time pass but can this be fixed eventually or should I forget about everything and focus on my other friends? Sorry that wasn't as short as I thought. Thanks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennylove Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Sorry to break it to you, but they aren't really your friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jy1986usa Posted April 16, 2017 Author Share Posted April 16, 2017 They were. If I was a stronger person and could have just "been friends" and not gotten crazy I'd still be invited to things. I was still being invited to events until we got in that argument and told her to get out of my life. But the group is centered around her best friend and her husband (who I was pretty close with) which she spends a lot of time with but it's her best friend and she's basically scared of me now. My gut instinct is telling me it's over though and I need to move on completely from all of it and all of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krankor Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 First of all, like others said what's done is done. When someone who you still want to be with makes a sudden unilateral decision to end things like that you want answers. You want to negotiate, you want to try to work things out. And when that doesn't work you begin to feel helpless, desperate, and out of control and it's easy to resort to begging and desperate attempts for attention because you don't know what else to do. You were hurting. It's over now and you'll be able to learn from this experience and handle yourself better if you are faced with this situation again. As for the circle of friends, for now I'd just bow out gracefully and go your own way. It's possible that this will blow over in the future but for now, for your healing it's best that you just avoid situations where you may run into her. It's a shame that you had to lose friends in the process too but just consider it collateral damage. Get involved in new activities and hobbies. When you start to feel ready make a profile on a dating app and talk to and meet some new women. Maybe at a later date if there was someone in that circle who you got along with well you can casually reach out to test the waters. As for being friends with your ex...why? It's not what you want. She pushed you out of her life and unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship. She doesn't deserve your friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 They were. If I was a stronger person and could have just "been friends" and not gotten crazy I'd still be invited to things. I was still being invited to events until we got in that argument and told her to get out of my life. But the group is centered around her best friend and her husband (who I was pretty close with) which she spends a lot of time with but it's her best friend and she's basically scared of me now. My gut instinct is telling me it's over though and I need to move on completely from all of it and all of them. Everybody moves on and forgets in time. If they were real friends, however, they wouldn't be holding anything against you and choosing not to invite you to places. After all, it's just a break-up. All you can do for now is let some time pass by. Let them see that you are happily moving on with your life. If they still choose to leave you out then they are just a bunch of drama queens who ain't worth worrying about anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jy1986usa Posted April 16, 2017 Author Share Posted April 16, 2017 You make good points guys. I guess part of me is still just holding on to what was. But that part of my life is over. I'm never getting her back and I don't even think I could ever handle being around her now either in a strictly plutonic way. Losing the friends suck but they're such a reminder of her to it's probably for the best. Guess it's time to fully detach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer weave Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 I'm pretty sure I have you best on bad post break up behavior..... my boyfriend of 18 months ended it through a text, even though he only lives a mile away. I texted all the time the first month, and if he didn't reply, I'd go nuts, and call him every name in the book....I'd threaten to show up at his house, or work. (Even though I'd never do it.) then, after two months, I found out he was seeing someone, even though he denied it several times. I completely lost my mind. I sent him 25 text messages in one night... calling him horrible names.... writing the meanest insults I could think of. He finally sent a text, and told me to stop contacting him, and he would no longer be "corresponding." Part of it was, he was caught out in his lies, but mostly Bc of my crazy behavior. I'm having an extremely hard time forgiving myself, but I absolutely will not contact him again. I wish I had found this forum earlier. He was horrible, the way he ended things, and how quickly he moved on, just shows he never gave a crap about me. I'm learning to forgive myself AND him now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 One of my close connections started and ended some years ago with some terribly clingy behavior and perhaps the best push / pull ever. After a period of no contact we became friends. The crazy behavior of the past we ignored. It won't matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lettingo2017 Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Hi there, honestly, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are human, please don't be so hard on your self. Look at it this way, you gave it your all, you tried to save the relationship. Now accept where she is "For now." Give it time, several months from now, she will feel nostalgic, every one does no matter what. She will recall how she ended it, and how she treated you. She will try to contact you. That's when you can say you're sorry for how you cared, let her know you forgive her, and say goodbye. She will go crazy. Guaranteed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jy1986usa Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 It's kind of interesting reading this a few months later. I finally have come to realize that everything I've gone through including this is normal and most have done similar things. It doesn't necessarily make it easier but I do find comfort in knowing it happens. I can't do anything about it now but hope I learned from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brodey Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I have engaged in some pretty over the top behaviors in the past and I learned to forgive myself. To me, everyone deserves an explanation and an adult conversation when breaking up. It's important to treat a breakup with dignity and let the person know that even though it didn't work out they are valued and so was the time together. I'm so sorry you didn't get this. What happened was very hurtful. It's enough to drive someone mad so forgive yourself for responding to crazy with crazy, for lack of a better word. My guess is if he had been civil and careful with the ending, you would not have exhibited this behavior because you would have had some closure and both been able to walk away w respect. I'm glad to hear you're forgiving yourself. Keep moving forward. His lack of class isn't your problem anymore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer weave Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I have engaged in some pretty over the top behaviors in the past and I learned to forgive myself. To me, everyone deserves an explanation and an adult conversation when breaking up. It's important to treat a breakup with dignity and let the person know that even though it didn't work out they are valued and so was the time together. I'm so sorry you didn't get this. What happened was very hurtful. It's enough to drive someone mad so forgive yourself for responding to crazy with crazy, for lack of a better word. My guess is if he had been civil and careful with the ending, you would not have exhibited this behavior because you would have had some closure and both been able to walk away w respect. I'm glad to hear you're forgiving yourself. Keep moving forward. His lack of class isn't your problem anymore Was this reply to me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brodey Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Was this reply to me? Yes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brodey Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Yes Sorry if that was confusing everyone I'm still kinda new on here thanks for understanding Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer weave Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Yes Oh, ok... yes. Thank you. There are mixed views on whether a break up through text is acceptable. I think not, especially after 18 months. He also "ghosted" me for three days, prior. It all smells like another woman. He didn't sleep home one night, only three weeks after the break. (He lives next door to my friend, and when I dropped her off at 4 AM, his car wasn't in the drive way..) When he found out I knew about this... he cut off all contact, and blocked me. Maybe Bc I went crazy on him, but mostly Bc I think he figured out I put two and two together. He was a coward when he ended it, and he remains a coward to this day. I'll never know the truth, but a woman's intuition is usually spot on. Good riddens. I'm better off without him. Let her handle his insecurities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lettingo2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 I have engaged in some pretty over the top behaviors in the past and I learned to forgive myself. To me, everyone deserves an explanation and an adult conversation when breaking up. It's important to treat a breakup with dignity and let the person know that even though it didn't work out they are valued and so was the time together. I'm so sorry you didn't get this. What happened was very hurtful. It's enough to drive someone mad so forgive yourself for responding to crazy with crazy, for lack of a better word. My guess is if he had been civil and careful with the ending, you would not have exhibited this behavior because you would have had some closure and both been able to walk away w respect. I'm glad to hear you're forgiving yourself. Keep moving forward. His lack of class isn't your problem anymore Yes, yes, yes, yes, I agree with you 100%. Interestingly enough though, not everyone feels the same way, which leads me to acknowledge that although I wish things were done this way, not everyone thinks like me. It's ok. Everyone has their own way of handling their pain, loss, breakup, etc. Some cheat, some stonewall, some go crazy, while some simply act like adults and talk about it. I'm letting go of how I want things to be done and accepting that things are simply not going to be the way I expect them to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EtrnalOptimist Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 He also "ghosted" me for three days, prior. It all smells like another woman. Sadly, that's almost a certainty. And it's an all-too-natural a response to go "cold" on your current partner ahead of doing the deed and breaking up Some cheat, some stonewall, some go crazy, while some simply act like adults and talk about it. I'm letting go of how I want things to be done and accepting that things are simply not going to be the way I expect them to be. Accepting how things ended is not easy. If the breakup was unexpected, we often ramble and say the wrong thing, and later wish we'd said or done different things on the night. Let it go. It REALLY doesn't matter. Self-forgiveness is the key. And that comes with complete NC (even blocking mutual friends if they can't respect you not wanting to hear about the ex). NC gives you space & time. And time gives you perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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