Gruvali Posted April 15, 2017 Share Posted April 15, 2017 I am not quite sure how to begin writing this so I'm just gonna get to some bit of backstory between my current girlfriend of 15 months and I.. I am not what you call "genuine" because for the majority of my 24 year life I would have to be an actor in my own life, faking happiness wherever I went from the age of 6, preferring to stay indoors 24/7 with no connection to the world outside beyond Computers/Social Media..I do have a history of pent up anger and other negative emotions which no one really saw until my girlfriend came along and it just started an avalanche of physical, mental and verbal abuse. My girlfriend and I met by sheer coincidence when some friends and I were attending a social gathering in Pittsburgh, we stopped to pick up a friend of one of the guys in the car with us (my now girlfriend) and we had a wonderful fun time. Along with falling in madly love with her at first sight for reasons unknown being that I have been homosexual for the majority of my life..this being my first "straight relationship." So a few days went by and things with my boyfriend at the time were very tense because I confessed to him that I loved her. My BF and I were in an Open Relationship where sex with others was commonplace but all that changed when I fell for her.. He grew toxic, broke up with me and left me homeless..until she took me in. A few months went by at her place and I was beginning to let my guard down for her, as it would be fair on her instead of keeping it all bottled up inside like I was conditioned into doing from a ripe young age..but instead of opening TO her I would open up AT her..and that's where the abuse began. And she has had countless opportunities to either kick me out or leave be, but she has remained through it all because she loves me that deeply. All my life I have known only physical abuse from a mentally unwell older brother, was ignored by our mother (i.e. "I love you, here's a new Gameboy Color, now bye." It was very common for her to spoil us and then show little to no affection towards us, using the material objects as a replacement for love/affection). I never had a masculine influence in my upbringing seeing as my mother put a restraining order on our father for no good reason when I was 4..no daddy in my life until I was 12 and even after being reunited with him, he treated us more like friends than sons. I have a mild Autistic mental condition, ADHD, Manic Depression and Chronic Anxiety..so naturally I'm not very social unless it's over the Internet; which stretches me out very thin amongst my countless online interactions which causes me to neglect my girlfriend for hours on end..the worst was 3 months consecutively in her own household. I have never been much for giving affection, the very concept is alien to me and I have no desire to express it unless I'M in the mood for it which is about 2-5 times a month on average. I have a very high sex drive and am into quite a number of..things..that excite me but make her uncomfortable, she tries to be open to them but I know that she has to force it to "make me happy." Although the frequency of our love making is frequent, it's never enough from me and I try constantly to persuade her into letting me go back to my "Open Relationship" status. She is very faithful to this relationship and doesn't seem to want that Open-ness that I feel I need. I will confess to cheating on her twice with my ex mentioned earlier, she knows that I did it and I see nothing wrong with it but she does. I make the excuse of "It's not cheating if you are okay with it, you know the person is clean, and that it is you (my Girlfriend) that I return to at the end of the day." I have a laundry list of failed relationships, all but 2, left me for no reason..the sex was fantastic and the love was abundant until I fell in love with a young Ohio man which I will label "B." I loved B with all heart and I became as open and vulnerable to him as possible, even trying so hard to alter my non-affectionate ways to make us both happy..online were together for 13 months then I moved from SoCal to NE Ohio to live with him. 2 months in his parents caused him to leave me...I was devastated and cried for 9 months afterward, even still crying occasionally to this day (3 years and 4 relationships later). I never completely moved on.. My big problem is that I closed myself off like King Tut's tomb, never to open up ever again which made my life much more smooth but all the while more miserable inside..my emotions can't be expressed subtly but in a Niagara Falls kind of torrent..leading to verbal degradation of my girlfriend and the occasional beating..which has for the most part stopped about 3 months ago. As well as the 2 occasions where I have sexually assaulted her all the while knowing what I was doing was very wrong; her having been violated since her childhood by both men and women alike. She consoled in me this information early in the relationship but I processed with the horrible deed anyway. I rarely cuddle or hug her nor display any form of basic or complex affection because I find myself unable to and inside it hurts because she wants/needs it so badly and so frequently. I have a horrible habit of using what she opens up to me about the troubles in her past and uses it against her like an arsenal of emotionally breaking artillery, tearing her down for even the most petty of annoyances...just like myself she has a history of depression and anxiety, but unlike me she has PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and rarely exhibits the symptoms until my artillery is brandished. I refuse to sugar coat what it is that I have done any more because I come to this community seeking help and advise as to how to proceed; she has done nothing wrong just trying to see the better part of me...the part that died and rotted away when B left me.. I am a man and as I type this my tears well up in my eyes and the feelings of regret collect in that preverbial bottle I have stretched to near shattering point..my girlfriend and I need help from you guys, whatever advice you can give would be much much appreciated. P.S. Leaving her is NOT an option at this point not because she doesn't want me to, but because whatever plagues our modern society says the first thing to do is "break up with her/him." She has offered for us to take a break from the relationship..but even if I were to accept it, I know that I would NOT go back to her seeing as how easily manipulated/moldable I can be from other people..and more than likely I would go back to my " life" with other men and never truly be happy with myself..and the problem with me going back to other men would be the fact that I don't even know my true self/sexuality. I had a crush on a girl when I was 11 and held onto that love into my adult years and finding out that in those years she had moved on and "brother-zoned" me..resulting in me swearing off women and conforming to a more homosexual lifestyle instead in of coping with the loss. So I implore you all who have read this far into my post to please share your experiences/advice with all this information so readily available to you. Thank you. Link to comment
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