Please help

[Gruvali]

I am not quite sure how to begin writing this so I'm just gonna get to some bit of backstory between my current girlfriend of 15 months and I..

 

I am not what you call "genuine" because for the majority of my 24 year life I would have to be an actor in my own life, faking happiness wherever I went from the age of 6, preferring to stay indoors 24/7 with no connection to the world outside beyond Computers/Social Media..I do have a history of pent up anger and other negative emotions which no one really saw until my girlfriend came along and it just started an avalanche of physical, mental and verbal abuse.

 

My girlfriend and I met by sheer coincidence when some friends and I were attending a social gathering in Pittsburgh, we stopped to pick up a friend of one of the guys in the car with us (my now girlfriend) and we had a wonderful fun time. Along with falling in madly love with her at first sight for reasons unknown being that I have been homosexual for the majority of my life..this being my first "straight relationship."

 

So a few days went by and things with my boyfriend at the time were very tense because I confessed to him that I loved her. My BF and I were in an Open Relationship where sex with others was commonplace but all that changed when I fell for her..

 

He grew toxic, broke up with me and left me homeless..until she took me in. A few months went by at her place and I was beginning to let my guard down for her, as it would be fair on her instead of keeping it all bottled up inside like I was conditioned into doing from a ripe young age..but instead of opening TO her I would open up AT her..and that's where the abuse began. And she has had countless opportunities to either kick me out or leave be, but she has remained through it all because she loves me that deeply.

 

All my life I have known only physical abuse from a mentally unwell older brother, was ignored by our mother (i.e. "I love you, here's a new Gameboy Color, now bye." It was very common for her to spoil us and then show little to no affection towards us, using the material objects as a replacement for love/affection). I never had a masculine influence in my upbringing seeing as my mother put a restraining order on our father for no good reason when I was 4..no daddy in my life until I was 12 and even after being reunited with him, he treated us more like friends than sons.

 

I have a mild Autistic mental condition, ADHD, Manic Depression and Chronic Anxiety..so naturally I'm not very social unless it's over the Internet; which stretches me out very thin amongst my countless online interactions which causes me to neglect my girlfriend for hours on end..the worst was 3 months consecutively in her own household.

 

I have never been much for giving affection, the very concept is alien to me and I have no desire to express it unless I'M in the mood for it which is about 2-5 times a month on average. I have a very high sex drive and am into quite a number of..things..that excite me but make her uncomfortable, she tries to be open to them but I know that she has to force it to "make me happy." Although the frequency of our love making is frequent, it's never enough from me and I try constantly to persuade her into letting me go back to my "Open Relationship" status. She is very faithful to this relationship and doesn't seem to want that Open-ness that I feel I need.

 

I will confess to cheating on her twice with my ex mentioned earlier, she knows that I did it and I see nothing wrong with it but she does.

 

I make the excuse of "It's not cheating if you are okay with it, you know the person is clean, and that it is you (my Girlfriend) that I return to at the end of the day."

 

I have a laundry list of failed relationships, all but 2, left me for no reason..the sex was fantastic and the love was abundant until I fell in love with a young Ohio man which I will label "B."

 

I loved B with all heart and I became as open and vulnerable to him as possible, even trying so hard to alter my non-affectionate ways to make us both happy..online were together for 13 months then I moved from SoCal to NE Ohio to live with him. 2 months in his parents caused him to leave me...I was devastated and cried for 9 months afterward, even still crying occasionally to this day (3 years and 4 relationships later). I never completely moved on..

 

My big problem is that I closed myself off like King Tut's tomb, never to open up ever again which made my life much more smooth but all the while more miserable inside..my emotions can't be expressed subtly but in a Niagara Falls kind of torrent..leading to verbal degradation of my girlfriend and the occasional beating..which has for the most part stopped about 3 months ago. As well as the 2 occasions where I have sexually assaulted her all the while knowing what I was doing was very wrong; her having been violated since her childhood by both men and women alike. She consoled in me this information early in the relationship but I processed with the horrible deed anyway.

 

I rarely cuddle or hug her nor display any form of basic or complex affection because I find myself unable to and inside it hurts because she wants/needs it so badly and so frequently.

 

I have a horrible habit of using what she opens up to me about the troubles in her past and uses it against her like an arsenal of emotionally breaking artillery, tearing her down for even the most petty of annoyances...just like myself she has a history of depression and anxiety, but unlike me she has PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and rarely exhibits the symptoms until my artillery is brandished.

 

I refuse to sugar coat what it is that I have done any more because I come to this community seeking help and advise as to how to proceed; she has done nothing wrong just trying to see the better part of me...the part that died and rotted away when B left me..

 

I am a man and as I type this my tears well up in my eyes and the feelings of regret collect in that preverbial bottle I have stretched to near shattering point..my girlfriend and I need help from you guys, whatever advice you can give would be much much appreciated.

 

P.S. Leaving her is NOT an option at this point not because she doesn't want me to, but because whatever plagues our modern society says the first thing to do is "break up with her/him."

 

She has offered for us to take a break from the relationship..but even if I were to accept it, I know that I would NOT go back to her seeing as how easily manipulated/moldable I can be from other people..and more than likely I would go back to my " life" with other men and never truly be happy with myself..and the problem with me going back to other men would be the fact that I don't even know my true self/sexuality. I had a crush on a girl when I was 11 and held onto that love into my adult years and finding out that in those years she had moved on and "brother-zoned" me..resulting in me swearing off women and conforming to a more homosexual lifestyle instead in of coping with the loss.

 

 

So I implore you all who have read this far into my post to please share your experiences/advice with all this information so readily available to you. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Are you from a culture where you can not be openly gay? Why did the guy you loved parents make you leave?

my girlfriend came along and it just started an avalanche of physical, mental and verbal abuse.I have a mild Autistic mental condition, ADHD, Manic Depression and Chronic Anxiety..I have been homosexual for the majority of my life..this being my first "straight relationship." I loved B with all heart and I became as open and vulnerable to him as possible then I moved from SoCal to NE Ohio to live with him. 2 months in his parents caused him to leave me...

[Gruvali]

Are you from a culture where you can not be openly gay? Why did the guy you loved parents make you leave?

Being a born citizen of the United States in a Puerto Rican family with heavily Christian religious views, opening up to my family is what caused me to move to live with B after my family abandoned me for my sexuality.

 

B had issues directly communicating his emotional distresses and used his parents as a third party to relay them to me. He was heavily influenced by his parents and they convinced him to leave me given everything that he would share with them...saying that I was too clingy/protective of him, being the excuse for ending it. As a result of that emotional trauma, I had done away with that "Clingy" and "Protective" nature that was so natural to me. Which in turn has been hurting my current relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Now that your folks are out of the picture why not pursue gay relationships again. Why do you beat your gf?

[Gruvali]

What confounds me is that she stays through all the "torture" I put her through, I'm by no means loving at the moment but I do indeed love her with all my heart and soul...but I find myself unable to show it.

 

Any and every alternative means for her to stay around have gone out the window seeing as she loves me as much as I love her.

 

(Is she keeping me aound for money..No, I haven't had a job in 2 years)

 

(Is she keeping me around for some sadistic or dark purpose..No, she has never once exhibited any form of force/anger.)

 

I can't fathom why she stays, but I know that it must be very difficult for her even knowing that our love is tightly mutual.

[Wiseman2]

Is this an S & M relationship?

[rosephase]

Dude, the nicest thing you could do for your girlfriend is break up with her. You aren't in any kind of headspace to be in any relationship. You have a lot of issues you need to work through before you can actually show up and treat another person with respect and love. Just because she chooses to let you keep hurting her doesn't mean you have to. Break up with her. Take a break from other people. You don't need a romantic relationship you need therapy. You are cheating on her, you can't be affectionate and you are abusive. Staying with her is unfair to her.

 

An open relationship isn't going to fix this. Being with a different person isn't going to fix this. You need to get right with yourself. You need to heal from your hard childhood. You need to figure out how to cope with your depression, anxiety and PTSD. And it sounds like she has a lot to heal in herself. Be kind. To yourself and to this woman you love. Stop trying to find peace in sex and co-dependance. Love isn't enough. You have to be a whole functioning person on your own before you are any good to any one.

[Gruvali]

Is this an S & M relationship?

 

No it is not, it's just a typical relationship..no S&M at all. I've tried for that in the past but she was uncomfortable with it so I let it be as it is.

[Gruvali]

Dude, the nicest thing you could do for your girlfriend is break up with her. You aren't in any kind of headspace to be in any relationship. You have a lot of issues you need to work through before you can actually show up and treat another person with respect and love. Just because she chooses to let you keep hurting her doesn't mean you have to. Break up with her. Take a break from other people. You don't need a romantic relationship you need therapy. You are cheating on her, you can't be affectionate and you are abusive. Staying with her is unfair to her.

 

An open relationship isn't going to fix this. Being with a different person isn't going to fix this. You need to get right with yourself. You need to heal from your hard childhood. You need to figure out how to cope with your depression, anxiety and PTSD. And it sounds like she has a lot to heal in herself. Be kind. To yourself and to this woman you love. Stop trying to find peace in sex and co-dependance. Love isn't enough. You have to be a whole functioning person on your own before you are any good to any one.

 

Thanks you for your insightful response. I don't want to break up that's why I came on here to find a fix all the while staying with her.

 

She wants to stay strong for me all the while trying to help each other conquer our vices and hurts.

 

But I can tell that she is falling apart inside and I do all I can within my limited abilities to be there for her all the while. The light has left her eyes and I know deep inside that I'm to blame.

 

Through all that, she still smiles and tries to cheer me up which in turn cheers her up.

 

P.S. I'm not the one with PTSD, she is. We both have depression and anxiety, but we try to make the best of what we have and try to improve my headspace.

 

P.S. She doesn't have the violent type of PTSD, instead she has childhood onset PTSD from her abuse growing up which continued throughout her whole 32 year life.

[Wiseman2]

Getting treated for the mania would help a lot. Was your father an abuser?

I have a mild Autistic mental condition, ADHD, Manic Depression and Chronic Anxiety.

[rosephase]

Are either of you in therapy?

 

It sounds like you are both facing stuff that you can't fix in each other. As loving as it seems, offering to destroy her since of self worth to stay isn't healthy or useful. Being in a romantic relationship doesn't mean either of you are suited or qualified to be trying to fix each other. And that isn't what romantic relationships are for. It sounds like you are both trying to "save" each other. Because it's way easier to focus on saving someone else then it is on working through your own issues.

[Gruvali]

I have been in Counseling/Psychiatric care as well as using medication since I was 12 and it has not had a profound influence upon my mental health.

 

My father was not the abusive type, though he does have a history of mania and drug abuse from an early age..he's currently 17 years clean from M**h and I'm proud of him for making that huge step towards improving his already decaying health.

[Wiseman2]

It may be time to update and review your health with a doctor and therapist. A lot of stuff runs in families. If you mind is functioning like a run away train you'll never get a handle on this.

I have been in Counseling/Psychiatric care as well as using medication since I was 12 and it has not had a profound influence upon my mental health. My father was not the abusive type, though he does have a history of mania and drug abuse from an early age..he's currently 17 years clean from M**h

[Gruvali]

Are either of you in therapy?

 

It sounds like you are both facing stuff that you can't fix in each other. As loving as it seems, offering to destroy her since of self worth to stay isn't healthy or useful. Being in a romantic relationship doesn't mean either of you are suited or qualified to be trying to fix each other. And that isn't what romantic relationships are for. It sounds like you are both trying to "save" each other. Because it's way easier to focus on saving someone else then it is on working through your own issues.

She doesn't need therapy.

 

Like I said unless I tear her down, she shows no outward signs of her conditions. She has learned to cope over the years, whereas I have not. I just went through life burying or running from my problems in hope that they would resolve themselves over time..whilst she faced her's head on and is trying to pass on the experience of how to cope onto me.

 

(Head-On! Apply directly to the forehead! lol)

[Gruvali]

It may be time to update and review your health with a doctor and therapist. A lot of stuff runs in families. If you mind is functioning like a run away train you'll never get a handle on this.

If my mind is a runaway train, then I'm Casie Jones. LOL

 

But in all seriousness, beside the counseling which I do have an appointment for on the 21st, what other advice can you give me for my anger issues which can be triggered for even the littlest of things that she does?

[Tinydance]

OK well first of all, I am not coming from a judgemental place as I can understand how much you've been through and that you have mental health conditions. But physically and emotionally abusing your girlfriend is NOT OK. That is very, very wrong and also illegal, as I'm sure you know. It's never OK to hit another person, only maybe in self defence if you're being attacked. I think the way you've treated your girlfriend is really horrible and if she has PTSD and has already been abused in the past, this would have made things colossally worse for her. I really think the best thing you can do for her if you care about her is break up with her and leave her alone. It's just not fair to do this to another person. I know that wasn't the advice you wanted but I just don't know what else to say...

 

I think in regards to you being in a relationship in general, it really sounds to me like you have a lot of issues to work through first within yourself before you can be in a relationship with another person. I'm pansexual so I do believe that sexuality can be fluid and that it's possible to like people just for who they are rather than gender but from your post it just sounds to me like you're maybe not 100% sure where you're at with your sexuality at the moment. I think it's not a problem to be fluid in who you're attracted to but from what you said it just seems like you're not completely sure what/who you're looking for. This can reflect on people you date so I think maybe you need to do some soul searching and figure this out.

 

I mean, when you had the crush on the girl when you were eleven years old and she rejected you, you were a child. You say you got drawn to only men after that because you were scared to like a female but to be honest to me that does not sound like a "normal" reaction. Sorry to put it like that...You got rejected as a kid so you basically became gay but I think you need to really self reflect and think was that the real reason or are you actually primarily gay? Your current girlfriend, do you love her as a partner, are you in love with her? Or do you just love her as a friend who is there for you and takes care of you? There are many different types of love and you can love people in different ways. I'm not trying to tell you how you feel but this may just be something to think about.

 

In terms of your mental health issues, it's probably not something you can "cure", but you can definitely seek help and get therapy and get into "recovery", meaning you can try to live the best life you can considering you have these conditions. I know from my own experience that when you look for a therapist it has to be someone you have a good rapport and connection with and someone you feel understands you that you can trust. I've had therapists that weren't very understanding and it didn't help but when I found people I connected with it really made a difference. You could also do certain types of therapies like cognitive behaviour therapy and join support groups for people with your conditions and things like that. Just don't give up and keep trying to get help. When you have mental illness it is a lifelong struggle but things can get better.

 

You mentioned that you haven't worked for two years. Have you done any work in the past and are you interested in working? What hobbies and interests do you have? I think maybe finding some passions, hobbies and work or volunteer work may help you as well.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you got rejected by your family because of your sexuality because my parents weren't exactly OK with it either. It's definitely very hard but you just gotta be strong and know that there are still many people out there who are kind and would accept you for who you are. All my friends are very supportive and accepting of my sexuality and even many of my friends' parents are. You just have to find the right people who are caring and non -judgemental.

 

All the best with everything.

 

Tiny x

[rosephase]

She doesn't need therapy.

 

Like I said unless I tear her down, she shows no outward signs of her conditions. She has learned to cope over the years, whereas I have not. I just went through life burying or running from my problems in hope that they would resolve themselves over time..whilst she faced her's head on and is trying to pass on the experience of how to cope onto me.

 

(Head-On! Apply directly to the forehead! lol)

 

She needs therapy because she is staying with someone who is abusive. You are abusive. She stays. That means she needs some help getting perspective on her life. For real, you two trying to heal each other by sacrificing yourself is only making things worse.

[Gruvali]

She needs therapy because she is staying with someone who is abusive. You are abusive. She stays. That means she needs some help getting perspective on her life. For real, you two trying to heal each other by sacrificing yourself is only making things worse.

She doesn't leave because back in her day, people would work together to obtain a similar goal..not abandon or throw one another away just because they hit a snag like people do so commonly today.

 

Also, she stays because she came to grips with her past. Everyone had left/abandoned her and not a single person stayed around; she says that she refuses to be like those who abandoned her.

 

Her words have been typed exactly as she says them to me and it was her idea that I sign up to this site and confess my wrongdoings in search for answers; having high hopes that someone would be able to help us.. Like her, I also certainly thought we'd make some kind of progress or at least find a starting point from this community's vast insight.

[IAmFCA]

One of the coping skills we learned in my family was to draw boundaries between what other people do and what we do. When my dad was abusively angry, we learned that was about him, not us. When we were angry, we learned the anger was about ourselves, not what the other person did.

 

It helped us see that nobody else has the power to make us angry. Only we have the power to do that. Then we learned other ways to understand others so that we might accept them as the flawed human we all are.

[Gruvali]

OK well first of all, I am not coming from a judgemental place as I can understand how much you've been through and that you have mental health conditions. But physically and emotionally abusing your girlfriend is NOT OK. That is very, very wrong and also illegal, as I'm sure you know. It's never OK to hit another person, only maybe in self defence if you're being attacked. I think the way you've treated your girlfriend is really horrible and if she has PTSD and has already been abused in the past, this would have made things colossally worse for her. I really think the best thing you can do for her if you care about her is break up with her and leave her alone. It's just not fair to do this to another person. I know that wasn't the advice you wanted but I just don't know what else to say...

 

I think in regards to you being in a relationship in general, it really sounds to me like you have a lot of issues to work through first within yourself before you can be in a relationship with another person. I'm pansexual so I do believe that sexuality can be fluid and that it's possible to like people just for who they are rather than gender but from your post it just sounds to me like you're maybe not 100% sure where you're at with your sexuality at the moment. I think it's not a problem to be fluid in who you're attracted to but from what you said it just seems like you're not completely sure what/who you're looking for. This can reflect on people you date so I think maybe you need to do some soul searching and figure this out.

 

I mean, when you had the crush on the girl when you were eleven years old and she rejected you, you were a child. You say you got drawn to only men after that because you were scared to like a female but to be honest to me that does not sound like a "normal" reaction. Sorry to put it like that...You got rejected as a kid so you basically became gay but I think you need to really self reflect and think was that the real reason or are you actually primarily gay? Your current girlfriend, do you love her as a partner, are you in love with her? Or do you just love her as a friend who is there for you and takes care of you? There are many different types of love and you can love people in different ways. I'm not trying to tell you how you feel but this may just be something to think about.

 

In terms of your mental health issues, it's probably not something you can "cure", but you can definitely seek help and get therapy and get into "recovery", meaning you can try to live the best life you can considering you have these conditions. I know from my own experience that when you look for a therapist it has to be someone you have a good rapport and connection with and someone you feel understands you that you can trust. I've had therapists that weren't very understanding and it didn't help but when I found people I connected with it really made a difference. You could also do certain types of therapies like cognitive behaviour therapy and join support groups for people with your conditions and things like that. Just don't give up and keep trying to get help. When you have mental illness it is a lifelong struggle but things can get better.

 

You mentioned that you haven't worked for two years. Have you done any work in the past and are you interested in working? What hobbies and interests do you have? I think maybe finding some passions, hobbies and work or volunteer work may help you as well.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you got rejected by your family because of your sexuality because my parents weren't exactly OK with it either. It's definitely very hard but you just gotta be strong and know that there are still many people out there who are kind and would accept you for who you are. All my friends are very supportive and accepting of my sexuality and even many of my friends' parents are. You just have to find the right people who are caring and non -judgemental.

 

All the best with everything.

 

Tiny x

Thank you for the extremely insightful response, Tiny. ^.=.^

 

To be honest, I love her with all my heart and after a lot of serious thought I have found that I want to spend the rest of my life beside her. I just seek the answers to how not to be an a-hole towards her. I don't want to be this way towards her and posting on here was me finally putting my foot down

 

I will consider leaving her if that is what it truly takes, but I don't want it to have to come to that. I would much rather work with her to find a fix for my behavior.

 

As I said before, I have a long history of psychiatrists and counselors from California, Ohio, and Pennsylvania..I have my first appointment to see my new therapist out here on the 21st and all of my issues/troubles will be revealed to them; I just hope they are more understanding than my previous 5 or 6 Therapists..

 

Abuse of any kind towards another human being is indeed very incorrect and illegal, I personally do not condone these acts because of my own upbringing with physical abuse. I know I sound like a hippocrite when I type his, but my previous Therapist believed that I show signs of Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities disorder)

 

I am now somehow able to fight back against it and stop it from hurting her physically but in HER words not mine: "She'd rather have the physical abuse over the mental/verbal abuse. Not because she is Masochistic, but one verses the other, she sees it as a lesser evil. Though she'd prefer neither."

 

The scars on one's flesh may heal, but the scars of the mind and spirit never truly do..

 

I am by some degree Pansexual as well, but there is one inappropriate element against it..it is impossible for me to reach "le petite morte" whilst being intimate with a fellow man. But can reach "it" within minutes with a woman.

 

Thank you Tiny, thank you so much for listening.

 

P.S. I may have been able to stop the physical abuse, but the mental/verbal happens so fast without a thought that I can't stop myself from saying something regrettable in time..

[annonymous1]

Oh my goodness. I KNOW this. Except that I know it from HER perspective. I am tearing up at the thought of how very similar this is to my situation.

 

My (soon to be) ex bf is like you. Has family issues, got into depression (was alright before but after 2 months, just started being a d*ck), re-sitting this year in university because of depression but instead of making any progress, he basically just sits and plays or goes on the internet and just creates this bubble around him, away from the world. I know how horrible depression can get (I am struggling with depression and anxiety myself) but you have to put in efforts to get out of the situation. He does nothing about it. Isn't preparing for the next year, isn't finding a job, just laying around at home.

 

Initially everything was fine. I was homesick, depressed and feeling alone. We got together, I became extremely dependent on him. He started being extremely rude but I forgave everything because I thought I loved him and kept reassuring myself that he loves me (he used to make me feel special multiple times too). But the real reason I didn't leave is because I was dependent on him for my emotional well being. He liked that I was dependent on him. He was always a jealous guy too, worst combination. Although, I was with him through thick and thin without judgment, he would do whatever he wanted. He would say nasty things during arguments and I just ended up apologizing even though he was the on at fault !!!

 

After a point, I stopped talking to him about anything related to my depression or anxiety only to not burden him or annoy him which lead me to becoming independent of him for anything, really. I didn't realize how independent I had become until I went on a vacation for a month and got through just alright. But he on the other hand, did not. Kept messaging me how he missed me/ loved me, etc and when I finally came back, he cancelled on me so many times, continuously without even any explanation. It was only after a recent horrible fight which I discussed with my friend about did I realise that I was actually being emotionally abused. I knew what he was doing is not right but somehow I thought that this is just him being human, everyone has their flaws, etc. Then I sat and replayed every single memory and saw him for what he was!

 

Your gf is only with you because she is dependent on you. Research shows how people end up partners whose behaviours they are familiar with. Since she has a history of abuse, she is only staying with you because she is familiar with this, this is some what normal for her. Although she knows how wrong it is, she is very scared of going out in the unknown. She is depressed and believes that you are the only one who would help her out of her misery. Little does she know that you are only causing her to get stuck in this awful state. She NEEDS therapy, especially because she is staying in such a relationship.

 

This is not love. This is just co-dependency. You want her because you know she's your punching bag and you can remove all your frustrations on her as you know that no matter what you do, she won't leave you, and feel like you can't do better or something in these lines. She is staying with you because she thinks she isn't good enough to get anyone better. Mental condition or not, abuse, especially physical, is just WRONG. You even know that you're not doing the right thing which makes me really hard to think from your angle. I am happy that you're getting hold of your physical violence. But for someone suffering through depression, verbal abuse is brutal, devastating and can leave scars for a really long time.

 

You CANNOT imagine the trauma she is going through right now. Waking up everyday, worrying what phase of you she'd be seeing today, PRAYING to just experience your love today, having to walk on eggshells because you never what might trigger your anger, thinking of ways to make YOU feel better, keeping her problems to herself so that you don't have to worry about it. I can tell you that she is crying herself to sleep, guessing that she has cried in public at least once. I am not just saying things, I have experienced this. She knows she is being abused but she will not accept or acknowledge it. She keeps hoping that you will get better and one day, you'll be the man of her dreams. She is literally living off of that hope.

 

You have two options at this point - leave her or go on a long break, with no contact whatsoever. I would recommend breaking up. You both need to get your mental issues sorted while staying single / being away from each other. I have learnt that relationships won't work when you expect the other person to "complete" you. Who knows, maybe once you both get better, you could get back together. If this is actually love and not co-dependency, you will feel the spark again. It took me a lot of therapy and support system to actually realize that I will be okay without him and that I am better off out of this relationship but given from what you've written, it looks like she either doesn't have a support network or she doesn't approach them because of her mental illness. She needs to get into therapy and so do you.

 

You cannot run away from your emotions. Internet is only a temporary place to hide in, but you can't live like this forever. Please get into therapy, medication or whatever it takes to get your mental health sorted. You need to do this for yourself and, if you love her, then for her as well.

[Gruvali]

Oh my goodness. I KNOW this. Except that I know it from HER perspective. I am tearing up at the thought of how very similar this is to my situation.

 

My (soon to be) ex bf is like you. Has family issues, got into depression (was alright before but after 2 months, just started being a d*ck), re-sitting this year in university because of depression but instead of making any progress, he basically just sits and plays or goes on the internet and just creates this bubble around him, away from the world. I know how horrible depression can get (I am struggling with depression and anxiety myself) but you have to put in efforts to get out of the situation. He does nothing about it. Isn't preparing for the next year, isn't finding a job, just laying around at home.

 

Initially everything was fine. I was homesick, depressed and feeling alone. We got together, I became extremely dependent on him. He started being extremely rude but I forgave everything because I thought I loved him and kept reassuring myself that he loves me (he used to make me feel special multiple times too). But the real reason I didn't leave is because I was dependent on him for my emotional well being. He liked that I was dependent on him. He was always a jealous guy too, worst combination. Although, I was with him through thick and thin without judgment, he would do whatever he wanted. He would say nasty things during arguments and I just ended up apologizing even though he was the on at fault !!!

 

After a point, I stopped talking to him about anything related to my depression or anxiety only to not burden him or annoy him which lead me to becoming independent of him for anything, really. I didn't realize how independent I had become until I went on a vacation for a month and got through just alright. But he on the other hand, did not. Kept messaging me how he missed me/ loved me, etc and when I finally came back, he cancelled on me so many times, continuously without even any explanation. It was only after a recent horrible fight which I discussed with my friend about did I realise that I was actually being emotionally abused. I knew what he was doing is not right but somehow I thought that this is just him being human, everyone has their flaws, etc. Then I sat and replayed every single memory and saw him for what he was!

 

Your gf is only with you because she is dependent on you. Research shows how people end up partners whose behaviours they are familiar with. Since she has a history of abuse, she is only staying with you because she is familiar with this, this is some what normal for her. Although she knows how wrong it is, she is very scared of going out in the unknown. She is depressed and believes that you are the only one who would help her out of her misery. Little does she know that you are only causing her to get stuck in this awful state. She NEEDS therapy, especially because she is staying in such a relationship.

 

This is not love. This is just co-dependency. You want her because you know she's your punching bag and you can remove all your frustrations on her as you know that no matter what you do, she won't leave you, and feel like you can't do better or something in these lines. She is staying with you because she thinks she isn't good enough to get anyone better. Mental condition or not, abuse, especially physical, is just WRONG. You even know that you're not doing the right thing which makes me really hard to think from your angle. I am happy that you're getting hold of your physical violence. But for someone suffering through depression, verbal abuse is brutal, devastating and can leave scars for a really long time.

 

You CANNOT imagine the trauma she is going through right now. Waking up everyday, worrying what phase of you she'd be seeing today, PRAYING to just experience your love today, having to walk on eggshells because you never what might trigger your anger, thinking of ways to make YOU feel better, keeping her problems to herself so that you don't have to worry about it. I can tell you that she is crying herself to sleep, guessing that she has cried in public at least once. I am not just saying things, I have experienced this. She knows she is being abused but she will not accept or acknowledge it. She keeps hoping that you will get better and one day, you'll be the man of her dreams. She is literally living off of that hope.

 

You have two options at this point - leave her or go on a long break, with no contact whatsoever. I would recommend breaking up. You both need to get your mental issues sorted while staying single / being away from each other. I have learnt that relationships won't work when you expect the other person to "complete" you. Who knows, maybe once you both get better, you could get back together. If this is actually love and not co-dependency, you will feel the spark again. It took me a lot of therapy and support system to actually realize that I will be okay without him and that I am better off out of this relationship but given from what you've written, it looks like she either doesn't have a support network or she doesn't approach them because of her mental illness. She needs to get into therapy and so do you.

 

You cannot run away from your emotions. Internet is only a temporary place to hide in, but you can't live like this forever. Please get into therapy, medication or whatever it takes to get your mental health sorted. You need to do this for yourself and, if you love her, then for her as well.

 

She's a very hard to peg down person. I read these out loud, and you my friend have come the closest, even I don't know her that well... I have come to a conclusion that I may have been going insane for quite sometime, for the time being I can control myself though, and am unsure of myself as a whole. I was in therapy 2 days ago, but they're going to send me through the ringer for a while before prescribing me anything. At least a three month wait.

Any ideas how I can get medication faster for my outbursts? Without 302ing myself. I finally found a job and can't risk doing that.

If you want an example...

I barely know who I am anymore. I barely know who she is anymore. Is she really my girlfriend? Or just a friend who lets me stay with her? I question these very simple questions in my head every day. I mean she comforts me, she hugs me but in my current unstable condition I don't know who she is, or what we are. I actually hate when she comforts me it makes me worse. I snap at her, and yell this is the worst relationship I've ever been in, and she sometimes retorts...what relationship?

Thank you for your post, and I hope to hear from you again.