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one mistake leads to emotional abuse


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Well, my girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. the last year was hell. it all started last year. we both work together in the same company, Im well respected in the workforce and i manage a team of 5 people. we work in the same department. about a year ago, a female aquaintance of mine was hired to join the department.

i had known her for a couple of years. she is the best friend of a very close friend of my own best friend. over the years, even before I met my current girlfriend, we had socialized together as a part of the same group. like, once every six months, we would meet at the same party or bar in the same group of friends. things were casual, i had no interest for this woman.

when she was hired at work, due to this past aquaintance, I went out of my way of being friendly and to help her get accustomed to the new work environment. i had sent her a few messages and in my messages i was also flirtatious.

we also went to our cigarette breaks together and went for a casual coffee after work 3 times. two times we were alone, and one time with a group of friends. since i had no imterest im this girl, i thought that my girlfriend was cool with it, since these things were happening in front of her eyes and not behind her back. over the next few months things were normal or so i thought.

my girlfriend about 4 months after this girl joined us at work, confronted me and asked me straight up if something was going on between myself and this girl. this caught me off guard and i denied it and i told her that if i was guilty of anything it was of being overfriendly. she told me that it bothered her that we went for coffee afterwork and she was not invited, and the frequent cigarrette breaks together. i nderstood her point of view and we endedthe discussion and i also immediately cut off ties with the other girl, politely. soon after this girl started spreading rumors that i was nagging her to go out, that i was flirting with her, even saying that we went out the night before, when i was with my girlfriend at home watching a movie.


due to my role at work, i decided to ignore this, since it was rumours and gossip, and focused on protecting my girlfriend and doing my job.

this is when my girlfriends behavior started to change. the other girl would come to my office and ask a question and when she would leave my desk she would look at my girlfriend and smirk. i did not know of this girls malicious intentions and how much she would try and toy with us. i treated her like a friend.

my girlfriend of course blamed me for everything. she claimed that of course i was giving her the right to do these things but i when i asked her what it would take to clear any of the doubts in her mind i would never get any straight answers. my girlfriend would belittle me, compare me to other men in our social circle and claim that im not an admirable man like so and so. that im a player, a womanizer and a liar.

i was not completely honest with her regarding the messages i sent the other woman. in total they were like 10-15 texts and they were by far considered cheating. but I was overly friendly and i was flirting. the last year was this back and forth with so many arguements and so much emotional abuse that i've completely lost my confidence.

ive isolated myself from everything else outside my relationship. a few days ago we had another arguement that she wants me to be more genuine and honest. so i showed her the text messages from the year before. she completely freaked out, said alot of nasty things, broke up with me, and said that i was the same slime as the other girl. and also that i was playing games with her. i could just not reason with her anymore. that this small issue became this huge storm. i understand her concerns and regret my mistake, but i endured alot of emotional abuse and im exhausted. i want to be witth her but only if i can get her to fully realise the situation.

any advice?

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It sounds like she broke up with you. Personally? I would be grateful. Don't stay with someone who will intentionally try and hurt you. That is what emotional abuse is. Her deciding that it's okay to be mean and try and cause you pain. You hurt her unintentionally. Being close to other people means we open our hearts to a lot of unintentional hurt. There is no reason to stay with someone who answers unintentional hurt with intentional hurt. You can't trust someone who feels like it's perfectly fine to put effort into making you feel bad.

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You both sound toxic to each other and should have walked away from each other long before now.


You, you're by your own admission were being overly friendly and flirty to a coworker. And tried to hide how far things had gone from your girlfriend when busted over that. You also missed the red flags that should have told you that coworker might go a bit "Fatal Attraction" on you when you shunned her for your girlfriend. Ditto the girlfriend on that. Both she and your coworker sound like the same type of woman.


Your girlfriend though took this whole thing as a reason to stay with you and kick the crap out of you emotionally every chance she got, which is equally unhealthy and toxic. When she should have just dumped you like a sane woman would OR forgiven you based on you and her doing something like counseling or therapy to build back up the trust.


Look, neither of you made a "mistake." Both of your actions look and sound very deliberate to me, so the best choice here is to simply walk away from all of the drama, learn your lesson - don't be overly friendly with other women while in a relationship AND don't then stick around when there's emotional abuse after that.


Also maybe it's time to take a good long hard look at why you seem to attract the sort of women who enjoy retaliation and drama over just walking away from you like most would.

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Nope. Not a "mistake". You didn't accidentally hit the wrong keys on your phone when you send the "flirty" texts. You did that on purpose. And you got caught.


Your girlfriend should have broken up with you once she discovered this emotional cheating instead of taking it as an opportunity to continually berate you.


It's good you're broken up. Neither of you seems ready for a relationship.

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soon after this girl started spreading rumors that i was nagging her to go out, that i was flirting with her,


the thing is, these weren't rumours. You had been flirting and you had been arranging to go out with her. At work. In the same place your gf works.


i want to be witth her but only if i can get her to fully realise the situation.

That you are inappropriate with women in inappropriate settings and humiliated your gf?


It's best that you've split up. She should have dumped you immediately.

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Also, I meant to add, I would be totally creeped out if I was starting a new job and some dude was sending me flirty texts under the guise of "welcoming" me to the company, even if it was someone I'd known previously. But apparently she liked it, right?


Anyway, you played and you got caught. Lesson learned for next time.

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I don't see where your girlfriend as an emotional abuser. I see her as an upset, jilted woman. You can "turn it around on her # and label her abusive, or you can admit that you were wrong. You deserved perhaps to be compared to admirable men. The problem here is that you cheated. So moving forward into your next relationship, maybe you need to do some soul searching about boundaries. Even if you were single, would suggestive texts be appropriate to send to a coworker? You have seen how it blew up for you in the workplace beyond losing your relationship. Also, you are blaming it on the other woman, that you "can't control" how she reacted to cutting ties. When you were the cause of this whole mess. That's just my two cents.


btw, this was not "one mistake" - this was a series of deliberate actions and an ongoing relationship. its not like you dented her car and said whoops. Granted, maybe she spoke harshly of you, but you basically ruined her life and made it difficult for her as well - the whole workplace knows about her breakup and business. She has every right to be bitter===============

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