Boyfriend Attending Ex Father's Funeral

[JennaStarr]

Hello Everyone

 

I normally do not ask for advise but on this topic I do as my friends can be judgmental and I just want peoples honest opinion.

 

My boyfriend recently found of that his ex-girlfriend (they dated on-off about 8 years) father has passed away. She said she would not attend the funeral if he would not attend with her.

 

I do not feel right and mentioned that it made me uncomfortable for him to attend. He mentioned that he would just tell her that he is bringing me. However, this is bad because I don't know these people, they don;t no me and this is a sensitive family things and I think it would be weird for him to bring his new girlfriend.

 

Background: These too have a past. As recent as ending things and limiting contact in December. He was kind of juggling me and her since June of last year. We got in these new relationship in January (3 months together) He has recently had issues with this ex where he said he can't even be friends with her and they recently have had limited communication. It was really hard for him to get over her and I just feel that this is just weird.

 

What are your guys opinion.

[happyfrank]

Let him go with his ex. This isn't about his ex or you. It's about her father. If he wants to pay his last respects to ex father so be it.

 

If you don't trust boyfriend. What's the point of being together?

[JennaStarr]

He was not close to her father. He had mentioned to me before that he actually disliked him.

[happyfrank]

He was not close to her father. He had mentioned to me before that he actually disliked him.

 

Tell boyfriend not to go. Ex is using emotional blackmail to force him going to a funeral. Just ignore her and let her live her life!

[DancingFool]

It's a funeral, not a social party. If you don't trust him around his ex, then go and accompany him. Otherwise, let him go by himself. This isn't about you, him, her - it's a funeral for her father.

[j.man]

I mean you've willingly walked into a very clearly marked minefield. You're fully aware of the circumstances surrounding the foundation of your relationship. Gotta take it or leave it. And, really, this funeral is about the worst battle you could think about picking. No, it's not cool she's pulling cards like "I won't go if you don't," but I wouldn't expect a guy to prioritize his three-month relationship over supporting someone who's been in his life for nearly a decade. If you don't trust him to assert your new relationship's boundaries during this funeral or this overall troubling time for her in general, which is understandable given their history, I'd say it's time to leave.

 

And definitely don't go to the funeral. That's weird.

[Krankor]

I agree that it would be weird for him to bring you. People don't typically bring "dates" to funerals. You have absolutely no connection to the deceased so there is no reason for you to attend the funeral.

 

The ex is obviously being emotionally manipulative here: "You will cause me to miss my own father's funeral if you don't attend with me." How pathetic that she is using such an occasion to try to lure your boyfriend back in.

 

If I were you I would tell him that you fully support him paying his last respects to a man he knew for 8 years. Don't let jealousy control you on that matter--it's not all about you and if you stop him from attending the funeral I guarantee he will resent the hell out of you for it. While giving him my blessing I would just add that you value what you two currently have and that you expect that he will merely respectfully attend and then shift his focus back to you, otherwise it will be time for you to seek out someone without all the ex drama.

[HeartGoesOn]

Not to minimize your question, but the more important question (imo) is, why is he still in contact with his ex? I'd give this relationship more thought...

[Unanimous1492]

She wouldn't attend her own father's funeral unless her ex bf goes with her??? Her father passed away and her ex is still first on her mind before morning her dad... That is almost scary if I'm being honest, idc if she wants him for comfort or not, he's not hers anymore and she has more important things to worry about. I would let your bf go and pay his respects, you don't date someone for that long and not get close to the family to some extent, he should go only to pay his respects and not to comfort his ex, if I were you I would go with him.

[JennaStarr]

He has not been in contact with her for a while now. She reached out due to the death of her father.

[JennaStarr]

Thats what she told him. He said she told him she has no one else to go with her. Expect her mother, brother and other family are going to be attending.

 

Sh

[Wiseman2]

Let him attend alone. He's going out of respect for whatever he knew about the family after 8 yrs, not to hookup.

 

I can't think of anything more crass and tasteless than bring some new gf stranger to a solemn occasion like this.

He mentioned that he would just tell her that he is bringing me.

[Hollyj]

God God! It is a funeral, not a date!

 

Why are you with this guy if you don't trust him?

[greta96]

She said she would not attend the funeral if he would not attend with her..

 

Ummm....seriously??? It's not a party she refuses to attend without him, it's her father's funeral! This right there makes me think something is fishy and I don't blame you one bit for being suspicious. I doubt anyone in their right mind would not go to their parent's funeral if an ex of theirs wasn't there, this is just not the type of event that would have one put conditions on their attendance. If anything, I would suspect your ex wants to go in yet another attempt to win her back over, and is telling you she was emotionally manipulating him just to shut you up.

 

I don't really know what I would do in your situation, to be honest, but I know I wouldn't be comfortable with it, as well as with the fact that they are still communicating.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

My boyfriend recently found of that his ex-girlfriend (they dated on-off about 8 years) father has passed away. She said she would not attend the funeral if he would not attend with her.

 

I have attended ex's family funerals. I pay my respect and leave.

But the fact that she won't go if he doesn't is outrageous. Did I read that right?

That changes everything.

 

It's not about being sensitive and respectful about some ones passing anymore.

It's about being manipulative. Something's not right.

[Scoe141]

I can see him attending out of respect, but not going with her. Also, by you going that's just weird in itself.

 

I would tell him that you feel uncomfortable going to the funeral with her. (And rightfully so.)

 

Although at this point I think the bigger issue is the juggling he was doing. If they dated for 8 years there's no way he's over her. I'd seriously rethink this relationship. I doubt his past has completely left him.

[boltnrun]

He has not been in contact with her for a while now. She reached out due to the death of her father.

 

"As recent as ending things and limiting contact in December."

 

I personally don't consider this "a while". It was only a few months ago.

 

So the two of them were still attached in some way just a few months ago. And she's claiming "no one" will be there with her except family? Maybe I'm missing something, but funerals aren't events where you're supposed to bring a date. I would think family is exactly who SHOULD be who she's leaning on.

 

That being said, what are his plans? To attend the service and grave side and then leave? Or is there to be a gathering at the ex's home afterward and is he planning to attend that as well?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like that's what he told You. It sounds like you are a rebound and since you are only dating him 3 mos he's not that invested.

 

Either way it sounds like he's going (not with her) but will attend.

He said she told him she has no one else to go with her.

[Scoe141]

It sounds like you are a rebound and since you are only dating him 3 mos he's not that invested.

 

Exactly this.

[hyden]

He was kind of juggling me and her since June of last year.

 

I am surprised that no one has commented on this. So, you were with him while he was with her for about 6 months. No wonder you may have some trust issues with him and her. Does the ex know he cheated with you?

[Rezie]

I don't even... I have no words. Your boyfriends ex girlfriend will not attend her own fathers funeral unless your ex boyfriend attends. And your boyfriend wants to bring you as a date. And he dated you and the ex at the same time.

 

You should not attend. I believe funerals are for close family and friends that want to respect the person who has passed away. Daughters ex boyfriends current girlfriend doesnt fall under this cathegory. If your boyfriend wants to attend and pay his respects then he should go. If he wants to emotionally support the ex then he should go (then we can talk about your relationship future). If the ex.is playing some sort of mind game then there is something seriously wrong with her. Funeral is not the place to do that. If he doesnt want to go then he shouldn't and should let the ex be with her family. Is she asking him to air in front with the family and go to the casket and read the card with the ex and mum and other siblings? Or would he be sat at the back? This whole thing is weird and quite disrespectful to the other members of the family.

[surfdiva]

I don't even... I have no words. Your boyfriends ex girlfriend will not attend her own fathers funeral unless your ex boyfriend attends. And your boyfriend wants to bring you as a date. And he dated you and the ex at the same time.

 

 

I feel ya. I read this and couldn't wrap my head around it. This guy sounds like a real winner, especially keeping them both hanging at the same time.

 

His ex is just manipulating him into being with her that day. Crazy!

[Salty]

She won't go to her father's funeral unless her ex does? That's so wrong and creepy. You just have to bite the bullet and go as well.

[Salty]

Go with the attitude of supporting your boyfriend and her if she needs it. Being the bigger person is a super attractive trait.

[LadyAbbey31]

There is some judgement on here about the ex girlfriend.....no one here knows exactly what she's going through. She may have said "I won't go without you" not out of calculated manipulation of him but because she was probably in a really weak place and said it 'in the moment', and it isn't necessarily reflective of the kind of person she is otherwise. Consider what she's going through-losing her father a few months after losing an 8 year relationship. Maybe she's desperately reaching out for comfort wherever she thinks she can get it? Maybe it was her way of saying she needed someone she cares about to hold her hand through this and went about it in the wrong way? She's probably an emotional mess and deserves at least a bit of understanding. And I'm sure that even if he doesn't go, she'd absolutely still go to her own father's funeral.

 

That said, I don't see anything wrong with him going to the funeral. No one knows what he's thinking exactly, but from an objective standpoint it is understandable, and it doesn't mean he is any less committed to his new relationship. It isn't the ideal situation for a fresh relationship but that can't be helped. He was a part of that family in one way or another for the last 8 years, a family he only really 'detached' from a few months ago. Don't go to the funeral though. There's something very tacky and a little disrespectful about that (in my opinion...) As much as you think you'd be going to be supportive of your boyfriend, you probably wouldn't be able to help yourself but to be there more to monitor the interactions between your boyfriend and his ex than to join a family in mourning. It's just not a healthy situation to step into.

 

I think as hard as it might be, or however much you may be worried about whether or not they will end up 'reconnecting' somehow as a result of him attending the funeral, you really need to just be the bigger person here. Be supportive of him going to the funeral without you. And be open to listening to him talk about it when he gets back. He'll trust and respect you if you're supportive and open during this time I think.

 

Who knows, his ex may continue to call or text after this funeral. I'd understand him talking to her or trying to support her for a very brief time, but soon she'll need to understand that he's with you and she needs to make it through on her own, or lean more on a family member for support. But that's not a problem yet so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself and you'll have to cross that bridge when you get to it.

 

This is definitely not an easy situation for you to be in though, so good luck with this