Help Me Understand My Ex's Behavior? BPD??

[LonelyJedi]

Hello everyone -

 

My full story is posted here: FULL STORY

 

Short version:

- My ex & I were together for 5yrs (12/2011 - 03/2017)

- We got engaged at the end of 2015

- Her family has been a constant stress on our relationship

- Ex does not handle criticism or negative emotions very well

- I always willing to help her out whenever I could

- Ex has a tendency to put family/friends before me (almost every time)

- My ex (both in the relationship & out) would blame me for everything

- My ex has low self-esteem

 

So I reached out to a few of my friends that my ex & I "pushed away" while we were in a relationship. Many of them are glad to talk to me again & feel sorry about what happened. My ex apparently had the same idea and began reaching out to our friends too, however, she is only telling them her side of the story & making me out to be this absolutely horrible person.

 

Our mutual friend, who my ex & I have known for a long time, reached out to us and tried to understand what happened. I saw them last weekend and told them everything that had happened. The things I said, my ex said, the good & bad things we both did to the friendship & relationship, etc. After talking with them, they told me that they do not wish to be friends with my ex anymore. My ex and our mutual friend met up just a couple days ago.

 

My mutual friend told me that my ex pretty much did all of the talking and told me that she made me out to be the bad guy for everything and that my ex DID NOT take ANY responsibility for what had happened in her life or with our friendship. My ex blamed me for a majority of all of her decisions, as well as her friend's husband.

 

THE BAD JOB/SAVE THE DREAM/THE FAMILY

While my ex & I were together, she worked at this job she hated. Her parents, however, were proud she was there (because my ex's dad worked there). At this job, my ex became arrogant and condescending to both myself and our friends. When I confronted my ex about this, she almost broke up with me because she said she "couldn't be with somebody who thinks so badly of her". After talking with her, she admitted that she hated this job and really wanted to be a teacher. Her parents initially discouraged from becoming a teacher because they "don't make any money" and that she would "always have to depend on a man". I encouraged her to follow her passion and be a teacher and I supported her all the way. She went back to school (nobody in her family has gone past high school) and started working towards her education degree.

 

My ex's family has never been supportive of anybody who is doing better than they are. They are very arrogant people who try to put everyone down. For example, when I was working towards my Bachelor's degree, my ex's mother would try to convince me and my ex that a Bachelor's degree isn't worth it.

 

 

During the meeting, my ex told my mutual friend that she dropped out of school and went back to the job she told me she hated because teachers "don't make any money" and she doesn't want to "always depend on a man" (the same things her parents told her).

 

 

FINANCIAL SENSE

While my ex & I were together, she did not have very good financial sense. Her parents do not either, she have $10K+ credit card debt. My ex maxed out her credit cards while working at that one job she hated. She told me that she did that because she was "so unhappy with her life at that job she distracted herself by going on shopping sprees and convincing herself she made the right choice". She luckily had $10k in a savings account from a deceased relative to wipe away the debt. Once we moved into a house, she racked up the debt again... to buy paint, doors & other house supplies. I also bought expensive things too, but I didn't charge them. I was concerned that her debt would get out of control again, so I would constantly ask her out it. She would always reassure me that it was fine and she had it taken care of. When I asked for an "action plan" she would get defensive and tell me not to worry about it. One day, I came home and saw her computer was open & logged into her bank account. I looked and saw she had $12K in credit card debt! I do regret doing this, but I had to see for myself. When I confronted her about this, she lied and told me that it was "only a few thousand". I told her that I knew it was $12k and she told me that I invaded her privacy and that she can't trust me. I told her that I am sorry for doing it, but what drove me to do it was the fact she never would reveal her debt to me.... she responded by saying, "I told you the wrong thing because I knew something was up when you asked me!". After a few days, she realized she got her debt out of control and said she is working to try & reduce it... I told her I would help her do it. She chopped up a credit card and began paying things down.

 

When my ex & our mutual friend met, she told my friend that she went on a huge shopping spree and she broke up with me, got new credit cards at the stores and was telling all of the shopping clerks what had happened & why she is buying all of these clothes. My friend asked her about her debt (knowing it is 12K) and my ex told her "It's only a couple thousand, no big deal. I can't believe would go behind my back and look!"

 

 

THE WEDDING

The friend that met with my ex got married last year. My ex began not liking our friend because of her husband. There was tension that was between my ex & I and our friends. As a result, we stopped talking for a few months. During that "silent period", my ex began resenting our friend. I went along with it.

After about 8 months, our friend reached out to my ex (gf at that time) and asked to be a maid of honor at the wedding. My ex was hesitant and then a couple days later was convinced that she is our friend and wanted to go. I kept asking her why she wanted to go, especially since months before she hated this person & wanted nothing to do with our friend. She eventually admitted to me that our friend has changed and my ex thought going to the wedding would "solve" the problems we had. My ex then told our friend that we aren't friends anymore, dropping all of her stuff in a box on her porch and unfriended her on Facebook (I never told her to do any of that). My ex never talked/saw our friend again.... until earlier this week.

 

During the meeting of my ex & this friend, my ex apologized and just said "sorry for being a ". My friend asked for more details (she knew what the details were, since I told her everything a few days prior), but my ex wouldn't budge. She kept saying that it was my fault the friendship ended and that she was a "". My friend knew she was lying because I told her the complete story of what had happened. My ex never mentioned the box she dropped off, or anything. When our friend asked why my ex unfriended her from FaceBook, my ex lied and said "well, I saw your husband unfriended me... so I unfriended you in response to that". When this isn't true, her husband unfriended both of us only in the last couple months.... my ex unfriended our friend early last year!

 

 

 

As a result, my friend told me that the meeting was awkward and that she feels sorry for my ex. My friend said she is not interested in being my ex's friend again because she is worried that "this could happen again" and that my ex isn't being honest with her... not to mention not taking ANY responsibility for anything.

I miss my ex more than I can bear, but I do feel so sad for her.

 

- She had debt problems, she recognized these & I was trying to help her the best I could.... but now that she left me she undid all of the progress she made and has opened more credit cards and probably got even more in debt than before.

 

- She dropped out of school and repeated what her parents have always told her about being a teacher. She returned to the job that she hated so she could "support herself" and "not depend on a man" (which is EXACTLY what her parents have always told her). She always told me she couldn't wait to be a teacher and will not stop until she got it... I was so proud & excited for her to accomplish her dream (like I accomplished mine of working at my dream job)

 

- She started to gain weight over the last few months of our relationship (I didn't mind at all truthfully, but she would always tell me she wants to lose weight). She would pay for these expensive workout classes and buy all of this exercise equipment, but not go or use them. I have lost weight 3 times over the span of my life without using ANY equipment of gyms and I told her to save her money and let me help her. She would agree but then get embarrassed when I worked out with her. My friend told me that she has gained a significant amount of weight since....

 

- She is living back at home with her parents and says she will be moving into an apartment soon (she was living with me at my house. I paid all of the bills & all expenses, with the exception of groceries... which she bought).

 

I recognize my faults in the relationship and I told her (even on the day she left) that I realized how petty I was being with her family and that I had made peace with them. I promised her that I have become more tolerant and that the next family event (two days from that night) would be a testament to what I was saying... especially since all of the problems she said she had with me I stopped & made changes immediately. She didn't buy it and packed her bags that night.

 

Why is my ex destroying herself?

Why is my ex making me out to be the bad guy for EVERYTHING that had happened? And telling random strangers about us?

 

I feel so sorry for her and want to help her because I love her so much and miss her.... but I don't know what to do.

It's like I'm watching her burn alive & I can't help her....

[Clio]

It sounds like she is trapped in patterns from her past and so are you. You were constantly trying to 'save' her which probably made her feel bad about herself. Nobody likes being a fixing project. Thus, she rebelled. In addition, she comes from a family whose values are vastly different to yours and most people have trouble shedding their family values no matter whether wrong or right.

 

You cannot help nor change your ex. You need to quit trying. You need to find someone who is right for you just as they are. From the sound of it, you and your ex are too different and that makes you incompatible. You need to let her go. And you need to stop bringing friends into it. If you weren't able to solve things among your selves, no friend can help.

 

You were incompatible when it comes to life values. You need to accept this and move on. You cannot change her. What you are seeing is part of who she is.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. She sounds very immature and perhaps belongs at home with her parents eating ice cream in front of the tv watching romance movies. Real life doesn't seem to work well for her, no?

[rosephase]

I don't understand why you are missing her. You don't respect her. You don't trust her. You don't think she is mature enough to handle her own life. Why would you want to be with her? If you need someone to take care of get a puppy.

 

Your ex is not destroying herself. She is making choices without you. And if you left her alone you wouldn't know about these choices. It's none of your business. Let her keep her narrative about the relationship and you keep yours. She blames you for everything. You have decided she has BPD. You are both making things up so that you can have a cleaner narrative about the end of the relationship.

[LondonMan33]

Hello everyone -

 

My full story is posted here: FULL STORY

 

Short version:

- My ex & I were together for 5yrs (12/2011 - 03/2017)

- We got engaged at the end of 2015

- Her family has been a constant stress on our relationship

- Ex does not handle criticism or negative emotions very well

- I always willing to help her out whenever I could

- Ex has a tendency to put family/friends before me (almost every time)

- My ex (both in the relationship & out) would blame me for everything

- My ex has low self-esteem

 

So I reached out to a few of my friends that my ex & I "pushed away" while we were in a relationship. Many of them are glad to talk to me again & feel sorry about what happened. My ex apparently had the same idea and began reaching out to our friends too, however, she is only telling them her side of the story & making me out to be this absolutely horrible person.

 

Our mutual friend, who my ex & I have known for a long time, reached out to us and tried to understand what happened. I saw them last weekend and told them everything that had happened. The things I said, my ex said, the good & bad things we both did to the friendship & relationship, etc. After talking with them, they told me that they do not wish to be friends with my ex anymore. My ex and our mutual friend met up just a couple days ago.

 

My mutual friend told me that my ex pretty much did all of the talking and told me that she made me out to be the bad guy for everything and that my ex DID NOT take ANY responsibility for what had happened in her life or with our friendship. My ex blamed me for a majority of all of her decisions, as well as her friend's husband.

 

THE BAD JOB/SAVE THE DREAM/THE FAMILY

While my ex & I were together, she worked at this job she hated. Her parents, however, were proud she was there (because my ex's dad worked there). At this job, my ex became arrogant and condescending to both myself and our friends. When I confronted my ex about this, she almost broke up with me because she said she "couldn't be with somebody who thinks so badly of her". After talking with her, she admitted that she hated this job and really wanted to be a teacher. Her parents initially discouraged from becoming a teacher because they "don't make any money" and that she would "always have to depend on a man". I encouraged her to follow her passion and be a teacher and I supported her all the way. She went back to school (nobody in her family has gone past high school) and started working towards her education degree.

 

My ex's family has never been supportive of anybody who is doing better than they are. They are very arrogant people who try to put everyone down. For example, when I was working towards my Bachelor's degree, my ex's mother would try to convince me and my ex that a Bachelor's degree isn't worth it.

 

 

During the meeting, my ex told my mutual friend that she dropped out of school and went back to the job she told me she hated because teachers "don't make any money" and she doesn't want to "always depend on a man" (the same things her parents told her).

 

 

FINANCIAL SENSE

While my ex & I were together, she did not have very good financial sense. Her parents do not either, she have $10K+ credit card debt. My ex maxed out her credit cards while working at that one job she hated. She told me that she did that because she was "so unhappy with her life at that job she distracted herself by going on shopping sprees and convincing herself she made the right choice". She luckily had $10k in a savings account from a deceased relative to wipe away the debt. Once we moved into a house, she racked up the debt again... to buy paint, doors & other house supplies. I also bought expensive things too, but I didn't charge them. I was concerned that her debt would get out of control again, so I would constantly ask her out it. She would always reassure me that it was fine and she had it taken care of. When I asked for an "action plan" she would get defensive and tell me not to worry about it. One day, I came home and saw her computer was open & logged into her bank account. I looked and saw she had $12K in credit card debt! I do regret doing this, but I had to see for myself. When I confronted her about this, she lied and told me that it was "only a few thousand". I told her that I knew it was $12k and she told me that I invaded her privacy and that she can't trust me. I told her that I am sorry for doing it, but what drove me to do it was the fact she never would reveal her debt to me.... she responded by saying, "I told you the wrong thing because I knew something was up when you asked me!". After a few days, she realized she got her debt out of control and said she is working to try & reduce it... I told her I would help her do it. She chopped up a credit card and began paying things down.

 

When my ex & our mutual friend met, she told my friend that she went on a huge shopping spree and she broke up with me, got new credit cards at the stores and was telling all of the shopping clerks what had happened & why she is buying all of these clothes. My friend asked her about her debt (knowing it is 12K) and my ex told her "It's only a couple thousand, no big deal. I can't believe would go behind my back and look!"

 

 

THE WEDDING

The friend that met with my ex got married last year. My ex began not liking our friend because of her husband. There was tension that was between my ex & I and our friends. As a result, we stopped talking for a few months. During that "silent period", my ex began resenting our friend. I went along with it.

After about 8 months, our friend reached out to my ex (gf at that time) and asked to be a maid of honor at the wedding. My ex was hesitant and then a couple days later was convinced that she is our friend and wanted to go. I kept asking her why she wanted to go, especially since months before she hated this person & wanted nothing to do with our friend. She eventually admitted to me that our friend has changed and my ex thought going to the wedding would "solve" the problems we had. My ex then told our friend that we aren't friends anymore, dropping all of her stuff in a box on her porch and unfriended her on Facebook (I never told her to do any of that). My ex never talked/saw our friend again.... until earlier this week.

 

During the meeting of my ex & this friend, my ex apologized and just said "sorry for being a ". My friend asked for more details (she knew what the details were, since I told her everything a few days prior), but my ex wouldn't budge. She kept saying that it was my fault the friendship ended and that she was a "". My friend knew she was lying because I told her the complete story of what had happened. My ex never mentioned the box she dropped off, or anything. When our friend asked why my ex unfriended her from FaceBook, my ex lied and said "well, I saw your husband unfriended me... so I unfriended you in response to that". When this isn't true, her husband unfriended both of us only in the last couple months.... my ex unfriended our friend early last year!

 

 

 

As a result, my friend told me that the meeting was awkward and that she feels sorry for my ex. My friend said she is not interested in being my ex's friend again because she is worried that "this could happen again" and that my ex isn't being honest with her... not to mention not taking ANY responsibility for anything.

I miss my ex more than I can bear, but I do feel so sad for her.

 

- She had debt problems, she recognized these & I was trying to help her the best I could.... but now that she left me she undid all of the progress she made and has opened more credit cards and probably got even more in debt than before.

 

- She dropped out of school and repeated what her parents have always told her about being a teacher. She returned to the job that she hated so she could "support herself" and "not depend on a man" (which is EXACTLY what her parents have always told her). She always told me she couldn't wait to be a teacher and will not stop until she got it... I was so proud & excited for her to accomplish her dream (like I accomplished mine of working at my dream job)

 

- She started to gain weight over the last few months of our relationship (I didn't mind at all truthfully, but she would always tell me she wants to lose weight). She would pay for these expensive workout classes and buy all of this exercise equipment, but not go or use them. I have lost weight 3 times over the span of my life without using ANY equipment of gyms and I told her to save her money and let me help her. She would agree but then get embarrassed when I worked out with her. My friend told me that she has gained a significant amount of weight since....

 

- She is living back at home with her parents and says she will be moving into an apartment soon (she was living with me at my house. I paid all of the bills & all expenses, with the exception of groceries... which she bought).

 

I recognize my faults in the relationship and I told her (even on the day she left) that I realized how petty I was being with her family and that I had made peace with them. I promised her that I have become more tolerant and that the next family event (two days from that night) would be a testament to what I was saying... especially since all of the problems she said she had with me I stopped & made changes immediately. She didn't buy it and packed her bags that night.

 

Why is my ex destroying herself?

Why is my ex making me out to be the bad guy for EVERYTHING that had happened? And telling random strangers about us?

 

I feel so sorry for her and want to help her because I love her so much and miss her.... but I don't know what to do.

It's like I'm watching her burn alive & I can't help her....

 

 

She has some sort of personality disorder .. possibly histrionic personality disorder