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I have been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years and we have been best friends for 5 years. In the past year and a half or so (since we began a long distance relationship), however, I go through periods of thinking about ending it but then panicking because I realize I would never be able to because I don't want to hurt him. And then a day or two later things will go back to normal and breaking up will be the last thing on my mind. But recently, I often don't feel like I am attracted to him at all. He is an incredible boyfriend and friend though, and that seems like such a shallow reason to end a truly amazing relationship.


The tricky thing is, he has a bit of a rocky past in terms of previous relationships. He was in a dramatic abusive relationship before we were dating and so for the first few years I knew him, I didn't realize (he rarely discussed it) but he was going through some very crazy emotional times. We went to every dance together starting junior year of high school and I made it pretty clear that we weren't together and just friends, but at each of these dances I saw his phone and he was texting with his crazy ex. Even though everyone knew he liked me, etc. and we were literally at these events together. So I was pretty mad about that in the moment but moved on. Then he kissed me for the first time one day and I said it didn't mean anything and that we still weren't together. The second time we kissed it was much more serious and reciprocated but I still texted him after that we should talk about it because we were still not together. The very next day he started sleeping with his ex again for a month or so. Finnally we started dating for real the third time we kissed, a little after that month ended. I was furious that he had gone back to his ex the very next day after we had seriously kissed for the first time and I was upset about that for a long time, but finnally moved past it after he profusely apologized on several occasions. It was just jarring for me because I had never really had a serious relationship before and I was very hurt.


But now, just yesterday, I found out that between two of the dances we went to (before we were together), he hooked up with four people including one of my best friends. I knew he had hooked up with these people and I genuinely didn't care, but I thought it had happened the year prior. He claims he didn't know I thought that, but it seems like he just intentionally never corrected it or was being vague on purpose (though we have not discussed it extensively).


I am very upset about this. And obviously it was a long time ago and technically we weren't together, etc. But just recently I have essentially ghosted one of my good friends (per the advise of a couple friends and my boyfriend himself) because he wayyy crossed the line in terms of joking about us dating and basically was trivializing my relationship and coming on very strong and it was uncomfortable and inconsiderate. And my boyfriend thought it was "kind of a sleaze ball move" which I pretty much agreed with. But if he supported me having a permanently tainted perception of this friend who I can probably never be close to again because of something comparably SO inconsequential to the things my boyfriend did to me just a couple years ago (definitely more severe "sleaze ball" than my friend), isn't that completely hypocritical? And I feel like this warrants me finally ending the relationship, but I am not sure if it is just an excuse to do what my subconscious seems to have wanted for a while. But then again, if I am looking for any little thing as an excuse to break up with him I probably shouldn't be dating him, right? But he is really, truly incredible boyfriend, beyond words. He is the most loyal, compassionate, thoughtful, talented person I know and the best friend I will ever have. I just don't know what to do because I can't seem to separate all of my emotions and motives. Please help.

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It's ok to struggle with a LDR that seems to have gone stale and is starting to grow apart. This may be a time when you both need to be free to explore your college lives. He may actually be relieved, not hurt.


You can still like and care for someone and at the same time realize that you're just not feeling it.


There doesn't have to be any other justification beyond that. That fact that you are on the fence means ending it kindly and honestly and without protracted stringing him along is what you should do.

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