Ten Years of the Game, I don't even know what this is now

[Rose Marquise]

Ten years ago in college, I noticed a guy in one of my classes and started sitting near him so that he'd notice me. He did notice and it wasn't long before he started talking to me before and after every class. After a month or so of this he asked me for my number and we continued talking outside of class at least a few times a week, always via text or online, never calls. I would never initiate contact, always let him do that. I thought he'd ask me out but he never did. Eventually figured he wasn't interested so I started dating someone else, and the guy from my class started talking less frequently.

 

Over the years, whenever I was dating someone he wouldn't talk as much. When I wasn't he would talk more often. Still, he'd be the one that would initiate contact. The who contacted who eventually changed though.

 

Eventually we lost touch with each other, I took a break from social media for a while (this was around 2010 or 2011), and when I came back in 2012, he wasn't on any of that anymore.

 

Early 2014, I found his number and texted him. He was really surprised to hear from me and asked to hang out. When we did, it felt like a date and both of us were being really flirty with each other. At the end of the night we hugged and I thought he was going to kiss me but nothing happened because I sort of pulled away after that hug. Granted I was still kind of wounded from a pretty bad break-up that had happened some 3-4 months prior and work was really draining so I didn't feel like I was in a right position for dating someone. Never told him this though. In the months after this he'd text me once a week, maybe once every other week, eventually once every few months or so.

 

And then we lost contact again. Part of it was just not talking very much, at some point he'd moved away. Then my phone was stolen a year ago. We only had each others numbers so that was it. I just did without a phone for a long time.

 

About five weeks ago, I was able to get back in contact with him. He responded as soon as I said hi and within a few lines of dialogue he said that he had been trying to find a way to reach me a month before but all he had was an old AOL username. Said that he had missed me and asked if I was doing anything and if I wanted to hang out. We saw each other that night and as before with that outing three years ago, we were being really flirty, he was being really touchy, playing with my hair, making each other laugh, etc. At the end of the night he kissed me. Also asked me to not disappear again. When he got home he texted me that he was glad that he finally did that and that he didn't want to wait three years again to see me.

 

We texted a good bit the next day but then it went back to once every few days. I have a general rule about not double texting, but if 4-5 days have gone by I'll message someone if I want to talk. Our talking was not very frequent but we did end up hanging out again about two weeks after that first recent time. Again, it was the same thing, being really talkative, flirty, touchy, a kiss at the end of the night again. He asked if I would be okay with him staying over. I said that I would be fine with it, but because I am staying with some friends for the time being that I would have to ask them about that (and that's another completely long and different story). Also said that they'd probably be fine with it, but it's the kind of thing where I should ask first.

 

After that, we have barely communicated. There were some shorter conversations, but then a week went by without hearing from him. Yet again, I initiated contact and we had a longer conversation via text, just joking about things and stuff. A few words said here and there every few days.

 

Last Wednesday I texted hi and never heard back. After talking to a few friends, they encouraged me to tell him how I really feel since it seemed like (in their words) that he liked me but wasn't sure if I was actually interested. On Saturday, after still not hearing back, I send him a message about how I really liked seeing him recently, that though I am bad at showing it that I was actually interested and really liked him for a long time. I made sure the message was lighthearted without being too serious.

 

And still nothing, which is why I am on here now. I haven't heard from him at all. I tried messaging once last night (through social media this time) asking if he hasn't gotten my recent texts, but still absolute silence.

 

So what's the deal here? I know he's never been a big texter but still, I am really miffed to not even have an acknowledgement that he even read my message about opening up. Was I stupid for doing this? Like I get not doing that after a few dates, but we have known each other for ten years and I thought we were past all of these silly games.

[rosephase]

All of the ten years you have known each other has been silly games. You offered your true feelings and desires and he disappeared. Take it for what it is. Both of you have had thousands of chances to ask each other on a date. Small amounts of casual contact doesn't make a shared history. A nice time hanging out doesn't make it a date. If he ghosted then it's my bet that he is seeing someone else or didn't feel the connection you felt.

[vesper]

He is giving you the silent treatment and not responding because he slowly wants to fade away. If you have things that you want to say to him that are unsaid, go ahead (get everything off of your chest ONCE!), but then be ready to pack up and walk away with your shoulders high and standing tall.

 

x

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like he wanted to stay over and hook up but when that didn't happen or was difficult, he sort of faded out.

it was the same thing, being really talkative, flirty, touchy, a kiss at the end of the night again. He asked if I would be okay with him staying over. I said that I would be fine with it, but because I am staying with some friends for the time being that I would have to ask them about that (and that's another completely long and different story). Also said that they'd probably be fine with it, but it's the kind of thing where I should ask first. After that, we have barely communicated.

[nutbrownhare]

Another thing to remember is that with people who we see regularly and have some kind of interaction with, if we don't see them for a while it's almost as if the daily greetings which would have happened get banked. You've surely had the experience of not seeing a casual acquaintance for a bit, then when you first see them again you're much friendlier and chattier, the next time slightly less so, and then things go back to the casual "Hi!"

 

So when there had been no texts for a couple of years, when you DID meet, it was as if you were making up for all that lost time and it felt like a date... then it gradually petered out.

 

He doesn't want anything more from you. You were right to tell him your feelings, because to do otherwise would have meant you were eating your heart out for ever. His silence tells you everything you need to know.

 

Look at it another way: he's known you for ten years. If he'd wanted a relationship with you, he'd have asked you out years ago.

[marie0906]

Ugh...I feel like all us girls have once or twice been in this situation, so I understand completely. I know you mentioned you're staying with friends for the time being - is your life somewhat complicated right now? Maybe you two aren't in the same place and it might be pushing him away. Sometimes it seems romantic when two people who have always felt a connection seem to keep running into each other or finding a way to reconnect...but in all actuality, if it hasn't worked yet (in 10 years) it probably isn't meant to.

[Rose Marquise]

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like he wanted to stay over and hook up but when that didn't happen or was difficult, he sort of faded out.

 

I would have thought this if it weren't for the fact that he's stated in the past that he doesn't like hookups and has rejected them in the past.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think is was something about the circumstances of your living situation that made him fade out?

I would have thought this if it weren't for the fact that he's stated in the past that he doesn't like hookups and has rejected them in the past.

[Rose Marquise]

Ugh...I feel like all us girls have once or twice been in this situation, so I understand completely. I know you mentioned you're staying with friends for the time being - is your life somewhat complicated right now? Maybe you two aren't in the same place and it might be pushing him away. Sometimes it seems romantic when two people who have always felt a connection seem to keep running into each other or finding a way to reconnect...but in all actuality, if it hasn't worked yet (in 10 years) it probably isn't meant to.

 

To that, yes it is, incredibly so. To give a short summary, last year I had moved in with my boyfriend who lived in another state. When I was in the hospital two months ago, he broke up with me and wanted me to move out asap so I am back in my original state staying in an extra room at a friend's house.

 

Last year was very difficult financially and that's carried over into this year as well. Not having a ton of money is large in part why I haven't asked the guy out to go do stuff because I feel weird asking to do something if I don't have money for it. The three times we've hung out he's always insisted on paying, but despite that, I still feel weird about asking someone to go somewhere with me and then expecting them to cover.

[Rose Marquise]

Do you think is was something about the circumstances of your living situation that made him fade out?

 

I definitely think that's a possibility. It doesn't help that I have to go back to the other state on a somewhat regular basis to see a doctor, and usually when I go I stay with a friend for a few days. That probably looks suspicious on the surface considering it's my ex's area.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear all this happened. If he's a fair whether friend, you'll soon find out. Focus on your recovery from everything and putting the pieces back together.

[Rose Marquise]

Sorry to hear all this happened. If he's a fair whether friend, you'll soon find out. Focus on your recovery from everything and putting the pieces back together.

 

Thanks. I'm definitely trying to focus on that now, and well, it's going slowly.

 

It's kind of one of the reasons why I wasn't too upset about anything developing between me and him going too slow, it would be better once I am better you know? It would just be nice to have some semblance of regular contact though. I'd opened up to him about all the stuff that had happened, and he had actually listened pretty well and was supportive. Even thanked me for opening up like that, so yea, I really have no idea what's going on or what to think anymore.

[marie0906]

To that, yes it is, incredibly so. To give a short summary, last year I had moved in with my boyfriend who lived in another state. When I was in the hospital two months ago, he broke up with me and wanted me to move out asap so I am back in my original state staying in an extra room at a friend's house.

 

Last year was very difficult financially and that's carried over into this year as well. Not having a ton of money is large in part why I haven't asked the guy out to go do stuff because I feel weird asking to do something if I don't have money for it. The three times we've hung out he's always insisted on paying, but despite that, I still feel weird about asking someone to go somewhere with me and then expecting them to cover.

 

Sorry to hear all of that happened. If you have been completely upfront with him about your issues, he may feel like at this point in your life you're not ready for what he's looking for. But if you haven't been upfront and told him everything you went through, he may be under the impression you don't really want to see him or aren't interested. It also seems like the times you've reconnected with him, you've always found love somewhere else, so that could be in the back of his mind too. You've done all you can and have reached out to him, hopefully he gives you some sort of answer - you at least deserve that.

[abitbroken]

I think you are interested because you don't have other options at the moment, or so you perceive. if he really wanted to be with you, he would have taken the opportunity in one of those periods where you weren't seeing anyone - but he has not. Keep in mind - these last few times you met or started talking again - you were the initiator and he gave the lame "i only had an AOL id - so i looked but didn't find you". if you want to really find someone - you can. If he knew you in college, he might know where your hometown was and try and get in touch with a sister or drop a letter to you at your folk's house for them to forward. Linked in, etc, is a good way to find someone too. Even if its not up to date, you can figure the general trajectory someone might be in.

 

I would just let this die out and take time to heal from your prior situation. Get your living situation more solid and move forward with someone new, not backwards.

[Rose Marquise]

I think you are interested because you don't have other options at the moment, or so you perceive. if he really wanted to be with you, he would have taken the opportunity in one of those periods where you weren't seeing anyone - but he has not. Keep in mind - these last few times you met or started talking again - you were the initiator and he gave the lame "i only had an AOL id - so i looked but didn't find you". if you want to really find someone - you can. If he knew you in college, he might know where your hometown was and try and get in touch with a sister or drop a letter to you at your folk's house for them to forward. Linked in, etc, is a good way to find someone too. Even if its not up to date, you can figure the general trajectory someone might be in.

 

I would just let this die out and take time to heal from your prior situation. Get your living situation more solid and move forward with someone new, not backwards.

 

It's actually pretty damn near impossible to find me. Three years ago when I'd contacted him, I had had a new number for a while, not the one I had in college. There would have been no way for him to have my new number without me giving it to me obviously. I don't use my actual name on any social media due to a stalking incident with someone years ago, so if anyone tries to find me, well they're sol. I also don't have a LinkedIn specifically for that reason, I just don't feel comfortable with having my name out there, so him not being able to find me is actually something that isn't just some lame excuse.

 

He did remember my hometown, but as I'd mentioned in another post, I had moved away from there last year so again, if he was trying to find me that way, there wouldn't have been any chance of me being there by trying to look up an address.

 

As for not having other options, I've had three different people not including this guy tell me that they liked me, but I have declined all of them. It's hardly about not having other options and entirely because I genuinely like him.

[Rose Marquise]

Sorry to hear all of that happened. If you have been completely upfront with him about your issues, he may feel like at this point in your life you're not ready for what he's looking for. But if you haven't been upfront and told him everything you went through, he may be under the impression you don't really want to see him or aren't interested. It also seems like the times you've reconnected with him, you've always found love somewhere else, so that could be in the back of his mind too. You've done all you can and have reached out to him, hopefully he gives you some sort of answer - you at least deserve that.

 

Thank you, that's mainly what I am hoping for, just some kind of answer at this point, even if it's a rejection. That way I know for sure and I'd stop trying at this point.

 

And I didn't really think about that, that perhaps he thinks I might find someone else again. That would certainly be a degree of pressure. I certainly regret telling him that I like him now.

[marie0906]

Thank you, that's mainly what I am hoping for, just some kind of answer at this point, even if it's a rejection. That way I know for sure and I'd stop trying at this point.

 

And I didn't really think about that, that perhaps he thinks I might find someone else again. That would certainly be a degree of pressure. I certainly regret telling him that I like him now.

 

Don't regret it! If you didn't tell him, you'd always wonder what would have happened if you did. You put your feelings out there - the ball is in his court now. If he doesn't answer you, then he wasn't worth it to begin with.

[Mari]

Last Wednesday I texted hi and never heard back. After talking to a few friends, they encouraged me to tell him how I really feel since it seemed like (in their words) that he liked me but wasn't sure if I was actually interested. On Saturday, after still not hearing back, I send him a message about how I really liked seeing him recently, that though I am bad at showing it that I was actually interested and really liked him for a long time. I made sure the message was lighthearted without being too serious.

 

And still nothing, which is why I am on here now. I haven't heard from him at all. I tried messaging once last night (through social media this time) asking if he hasn't gotten my recent texts, but still absolute silence.

 

I recommend giving it time. If your letter was light hearted and didn't request any real action then I recommend not expecting a quick response. He now should know how you feel and if he's been busy and that's why he hasn't responded then maybe you'll hear from him when he becomes available. The social media thing I wouldn't count because you said he disappeared off of it before and you weren't communicating with him through it.

[Rose Marquise]

I recommend giving it time. If your letter was light hearted and didn't request any real action then I recommend not expecting a quick response. He now should know how you feel and if he's been busy and that's why he hasn't responded then maybe you'll hear from him when he becomes available. The social media thing I wouldn't count because you said he disappeared off of it before and you weren't communicating with him through it.

 

Thanks for the advice. And yea, he doesn't have fb messenger installed on his phone (you can tell who does or doesn't have it based on the blue and grey icons) so it could be forever until he sees that second message. Haven't send him any other messages and still haven't heard back though. I'm trying to focus my thoughts on moving on. Should he message me and we hang out again, I'll bring up that I really don't do well with lack of communication should this be something we wish to develop more.