Really need help, am I thinking straight??

[aroud]

Everything is too much right now. This is hell. I wake up to 15 minutes of confusion loneliness and desperation. Lots of words. You're right.

[Lester]

Without direction, don't think will get better anytime soon.

[Purusha]

Hey aroud,

 

It doesn't sound like your wife has been able to get past her defence mechanisms to be able to talk openly and honestly at all, apart from the other night when you both broke down - it sounds like the walls are back in place which isn't going to move either of you forward.

 

From your post you actually don't sound conflicted to me about what you feel you want, it sounds more like you haven't come to terms with how you feel and that can be hard for all of us when there are so many emotions involved.

 

A handy thing to do to clarify how you feel and what you think about these different scenarios would be to list:

 

- What would be so bad about moving out? What does that look like and how does it feel to me? What is the intention that I have behind the action?

- What would be so good about moving out? What does that look like and how does it feel to me? What is the intention that I have behind the action?

 

and conversely,

 

- What would be so bad about staying? What does that look like and how does it feel to me? What is the intention that I have behind the action?

- What would be so good about staying? What does that look like and how does it feel to me? What is the intention that I have behind the action?

 

This should help to clarify your feelings a little bit and see both sides of the coin, empower you in terms of how you do feel and help you to find your direction.

 

When you're feeling low try and find avenues that make you feel more empowered, more expressive and more accepting of yourself - this may very well run in contrast to how your wife behaves towards you, in which case I'd highlight the need for boundaries again and expressing yourself in this way. The important thing is to get a little closer to your centre so that you can feel ok about not feeling ok, and staying as true to yourself as possible throughout this.

[notmyprez]

Everything is too much right now. This is hell. I wake up to 15 minutes of confusion loneliness and desperation. Lots of words. You're right.

 

Aroud, I just want to hug you. It sounds like you are struggling so hard to keep this marriage going! And I, for my limited knowledge and opinion, suspect that part of you knows how much pain a failed marriage brings, and the other part of you knows how difficult this is. The balancing out of "which pain is worse?" is a very difficult situation to be in. Have you thought about professional counseling? I know the boards are incredibly helpful to you -- and a professional counselor might give you an even more balanced perspective. When I went to a marriage counselor, she asked me if we had ever been happy? When I said oh yes, she said, okay, we are going to get you back to that point. It was helpful. She helped me see a pattern of negative thinking that was habitual in the relationship. And I found tools to overcome those -- not by changing them so much, as by shoring up positive stuff to the point that it overwhelmed the negative pile of crap in the room. Pretty profound. Good luck Aroud.

[aroud]

Thank you for the kind words. The mornings are the worst part. At night my wife and I hardly touch. There's not been a kiss of any kind in over a week since the heart to heart we had, which we needed to have.

 

I am at the point where I'm almost ashamed of my inaction. Every time I post here I think people will just think I'm gutless to not take action. It down to me now. I need to be brave and do something. My wife is not going to do anything as she knows I'm the only one who can afford to live elsewhere. One the one hand I would love to but leaving my home and our pets would be incredibly heartbreaking.

 

It's down to me.

[Lester]

Gutless no. Bouncing off the walls, yes.

 

It's always been "down" to you.

If you do move on to the proverbial green pasture, I think you'll soon find yourself pushing the same old mower.

 

You're the head of your family.

Until you understand that simple fact, and educate yourself, you will never be a family man.

 

Sorry!

[aroud]

Gutless no. Bouncing off the walls, yes.

 

It's always been "down" to you.

If you do move on to the proverbial green pasture, I think you'll soon find yourself pushing the same old mower.

 

You're the head of your family.

Until you understand that simple fact, and educate yourself, you will never be a family man.

 

Sorry!

 

Lester, whilst I appreciate your attempts to help, I simply do not agree with you. Sorry.

 

I am not disqualified from the capability of heading a family by virtue of a failed relationship or marriage. That makes no sense at all, and I'm going to choose to give myself bit more credit than that. Scrub that, I'm going to give myself a lot more credit than that.

 

And for the record I have had no problem with being the head of my family for the past few years, but at the end of the day something has been learnt recently which cannot be ignored.

 

And if we are to talk of the same old mower, I am desperate to break out a new mower - not the old one. There is personal growth which is made impossible through destructive patterns that I have no interest in any more. I see it as slightly fatalistic to condemn myself to a repeating pattern for the rest of my life. It takes two to tango here, not one head of a family to fix all and make everything work for time immemorial.

[aroud]

Today I requested another heart to heart with my wife. We had a breakthrough in honesty and frankness about where we are right now.

 

We are to separate and seek marriage counselling, allowing us to exist without the toxic environment that we create without trying.

 

What pushed me to start this difficult conversation was a refusal to go round in circles anymore and take some kind of action that would wake us both up to realise we need to stop screwing up 'us'. We love each other, but both agree that despite this we both need some space to recalibrate and understand what we both want in life.

 

Whilst this is very sad, and I am exhausted from the emotion today, there is at least progress. My wife and I talked to each other so respectfully today, so honestly. There were no games, no defensiveness, we connected. We agreed that sometimes we have not even been friends to each other in recent months, and that if we do decide to stay together that we will only do so if we believe we can create something good together.

 

I have taken a risk today but it's the only thing that has felt 'right' in my head for weeks. Heartbreaking all the same. I move out tomorrow.

[Purusha]

Hi aroud,

 

Bless you, you have been through the mill - and listen, absolutely no shame or gutlessness involved - we've all been through break ups, divorce, separations, you name it - it's an emotional rollercoaster and you lose your bearings on what to do and the sense of who you are and what it all means makes everything confusing.

 

At the end of the day you still care for your partner, and you care for yourself, and sometimes getting equanimity in that and consideration to both feels absolutely impossible, it's a tough situation to be in.

 

I'm so glad for you that you guys managed to talk openly, honestly and respectfully and it sounds like a good idea to get the space that you both need - sometimes things need to be allowed to break down fully before they can either be built back up, or both of you can move on.

 

Whichever way it goes for you I do feel that your level of conversation with your partner has hit a new level and I hope that things turn out well for you however things turn out, always listen to and follow your heart.

 

Take good care and have compassion towards yourself in the coming days as it's bound to be tough for you, but just putting one foot in front of the other will get you there.

[lostandhurt]

This whole mess is just what you described. A circle but the problem is not ending right back where you started but slowly circling the drain.

 

Inaction on deciding to divorce is totally common and actually a good thing so you give plenty of thought and don't just give up from frustration but failing to see the core issues and continually taking most of the blame is of no use to you.

 

I know you know deep down that your wife is not your lifelong partner. It is obvious to me and most of us reading this but for you to actually pull the trigger and admit it and move towards a divorce is a big step in accepting this was probably all wrong from the start. Counseling in my opinion will not save your marriage BUT I believe strongly that it can make the dissolution of this marriage more healthy and easy for both of you. I have a feeling through counseling and even therapy after that you will learn to turn your perceived weaknesses into strengths. Your wife chips away at you causing you to doubt who you are but as your true strength emerges no one will ever be able to chip away at you for very long before you put a stop to it.

 

Ask yourself this: If I met my wife today knowing exactly how she is would I consider dating her?

 

I have been in your shoes trying to save something that was already gone. Knowing you tried everything does help the healing, just don't hold on so long that it destroys you...

 

Lost

[aroud]

This whole mess is just what you described. A circle but the problem is not ending right back where you started but slowly circling the drain.

 

Inaction on deciding to divorce is totally common and actually a good thing so you give plenty of thought and don't just give up from frustration but failing to see the core issues and continually taking most of the blame is of no use to you.

 

I know you know deep down that your wife is not your lifelong partner. It is obvious to me and most of us reading this but for you to actually pull the trigger and admit it and move towards a divorce is a big step in accepting this was probably all wrong from the start. Counseling in my opinion will not save your marriage BUT I believe strongly that it can make the dissolution of this marriage more healthy and easy for both of you. I have a feeling through counseling and even therapy after that you will learn to turn your perceived weaknesses into strengths. Your wife chips away at you causing you to doubt who you are but as your true strength emerges no one will ever be able to chip away at you for very long before you put a stop to it.

 

Ask yourself this: If I met my wife today knowing exactly how she is would I consider dating her?

 

I have been in your shoes trying to save something that was already gone. Knowing you tried everything does help the healing, just don't hold on so long that it destroys you...

 

Lost

 

Lost - thanks so much for this. I can tell you know how this all feels. It sucks, big time. And you are right - the inaction was me not wanting to get this wrong. I needed to be sure.

 

Acceptance is very difficult right now. I am determined not to fall into the trap of regret about the past, as mentally that's going to be terrible for me. The way I see it now, it's just come down to logic in the end. Not sentiment, or fear of being alone. Just logic. It all got circular, non-progressive, pointless. It had to stop.

 

You can't have a life partner tell you to your face they are abandoning you when they know full well you've got nobody else. I mean, you do have a choice no matter how bad you feel. It's just an insane thing to do to someone, and ultimately it's the thing I simply cannot forgive if I've got any self respect (I have). I don't think that's love. You need to have some standards in life. Standards in the things you're willing to say to other people - no matter how much duress you're under, and standards for how you're prepared to let others treat you - no matter how much you love them. And simply being incompatible with someone is not an excuse for abuse or transient cruelty.

 

I feel lucky to have found this out now, and not with children. This is a lucky escape in many ways. I get to switch back to being me - god that feels so good. I get to feel what that feels like again. There is a lot of rebuilding to be done in my life (which upsets me the most, lost years and all that), but there are things I will never do again, and I know what my red flags are. I know what I need from a life partner.

 

At least I know I gave this everything and can sleep well tonight. I gave too much of myself, if I'm honest. An insane type of love. Chest pains? That's too far. Better single than dead I figure.

 

You know, I don't actually see myself as a weak person - only with my wife. Isn't that messed up? That's seriously messed up, but true. I feel stronger and more capable without her influence in my life.

 

And of course, if I knew all this a long time ago - I'd not have gone through with it - but I did. It's been an exciting journey that I am lucky to have experienced. I want to remember the good times, not the last few months of crap. I know there are going to be times when I fall into regret and blackness when I think back (wasted years). I need to watch out for them. I'm 38 now, so provided I can keep my health I can still do some cool stuff, right?

 

Lost - you're right, I've been trying to save something that was already gone for a few months now. You can't perform miracles and inject the love and magic back in when it's been dead for months. I feel like the whistle blew months ago but I've just kept on playing on, until a few weeks ago that is when I realised I was playing by myself!

[aroud]

Hi aroud,

 

Bless you, you have been through the mill - and listen, absolutely no shame or gutlessness involved - we've all been through break ups, divorce, separations, you name it - it's an emotional rollercoaster and you lose your bearings on what to do and the sense of who you are and what it all means makes everything confusing.

 

At the end of the day you still care for your partner, and you care for yourself, and sometimes getting equanimity in that and consideration to both feels absolutely impossible, it's a tough situation to be in.

 

I'm so glad for you that you guys managed to talk openly, honestly and respectfully and it sounds like a good idea to get the space that you both need - sometimes things need to be allowed to break down fully before they can either be built back up, or both of you can move on.

 

Whichever way it goes for you I do feel that your level of conversation with your partner has hit a new level and I hope that things turn out well for you however things turn out, always listen to and follow your heart.

 

Take good care and have compassion towards yourself in the coming days as it's bound to be tough for you, but just putting one foot in front of the other will get you there.

 

Purusha - thanks again

 

I have never been through this before. I've never given that many years of all of me only to see it slip away. It's been difficult facing up to that.

 

My wife and I did agree that if it came to separation we would be civil and not get nasty. There's no need. We've agreed to counselling but I don't know if it's going to get us anywhere. Whilst I've felt relatively okay the past couple of days (been very busy) I'm going to get moments of pain hitting me in the stomach, and I don't know when they will sneak up on me.

 

You kept saying to me, listen to and follow your heart. That's one of the biggest lessons for me through all of this. I've had to leave my home and everything I helped build out here, and my pets. That's heartbreaking as I look at where I am right now, but in the end there was no other move to make. A single choice remained to prevent going round in circles, waking up every day to the same black feelings.

 

So lets see what unfolds in the days ahead.

[Purusha]

Hey aroud,

 

How are you doing? I hope moving out went as smoothly as it can and that you're doing ok and taking care of yourself with everything going on.

[aroud]

Hey aroud,

 

How are you doing? I hope moving out went as smoothly as it can and that you're doing ok and taking care of yourself with everything going on.

 

Purusha - thanks for asking. It's been a weird week. My leaving was quite a muted affair to be honest. I packed my things and we were both in our flat and she certainly didn't see it as this terrible event. She did say that I didn't have to move out - but it wasn't a statement that was followed with, well, anything. Maybe she just felt she was obliged to say it. When it came to saying goodbye, it was just a sullen hug that we gave each other. I didn't say goodbye to my pets. That would have been too much.

 

When the taxi dropped me off and I realised I had a huge suitcase and was actually a 15 minute walk away from the flat I felt pretty alone. I've not told any of my friends about this, so nobody here has been helping me at all. I've just coped by myself. That evening, my first by myself, I felt good inside. It didn't feel like the wrong thing to do, and I had no regret.

 

I got through the week at work, and Friday was a great day for me. The stability in my environment, or rather lack of toxicity, enables me to respond better when I'm at work because I don't have to switch mindset so drastically. Socialising with people at work is easier because there's no fear to be myself, so lingering guilt that maybe at the same time my wife is feeling neglected. I think you said it before, that the fact that I am separate from my wife means I have more space to feel like an actual person - I can find myself, and enjoy that.

 

I moved again this morning into a slightly better place, as it was so tiny the last place.

 

This week my wife and I have not really spoken. Just a few messages. She messaged me today saying that she thought I had already given up on the marriage, which I was confused about because she did that months ago. She says she worries about my emotional well being, which again is very confusing because it didn't seem to matter when she shouted you've ruined my life at me when I was going to interviews and trying to get a job at the same time. Which I did. So I think much of what she is saying is out of either obligation or guilt - but either way I'm not spending too much time wondering about that.

 

I feel mentally I've totally switched and moved on, and I am certain I don't want to go back. I couldn't go back. There was so much wrong with our relationship and I'm happy to be out of it. However we've not agreed it's over, my wife and I. But both of us, I'm sure, know it's over. Over means divorce, so the over conversation is going to be tricky. I'm sure she is going to want a swift divorce if possible so she can move on and find someone compatible to have children with. I want a swift divorce too, and have already been in touch with legal experts to find out how it works out here and what the process is.

 

I don't know if I should feel guilt about this, but this last week in many ways I've been really happy.

 

I'm trying to take care of myself, and spend time grounding myself - thinking about my mentality and staying in control. I'm only 2 weeks into my new job, and have just separated from my wife. These are difficult times, but I'm coping okay. It struck me today how horrible it's been for the last 5 months. A marriage with hardly any affection, and almost zero physical intimacy, living in an environment where you don't recognise the person your spouse thinks you are and are the only one trying not to pour petrol on a blazing inferno. I don't miss any of it. It was exhausting, draining, depressing. Actually I do miss our pets. I try not to think about it.

[aroud]

So tonight my wife and I were exchanging messages. We've exchanged very few messages these past few days, but I know she has wanted more communication this weekend. However I was busy moving and trying to find my way on my own, which is difficult in itself.

 

We agreed, initially, to meet and speak about what is going on and what to do, next Saturday. However a few hours letter I get a message that she has written a letter to me asking me if I want to read it. I don't know if I should feel guilty for this or not, but I asked her if we could just speak on Saturday face to face.

 

I felt that after last time when we spoke, that perhaps if there was something important to be said, we could do it face to face. But also I understand why writing is an easier way to communicate. However, this being week 3 in the new job, which I'm still getting to grips with (just being me, the strong me) should I feel guilty for saying no don't send it? It's Sunday evening, and if were to say yes send it, and read it, who knows what's in there and I'm going to be all over the place this week. I've just moved out of our home and have only been gone a week, trying to cope with this job. Can I be forgiven for wanting to defend my head a bit? Tonight I had a moment where I thought about the things I loved about us when we worked, our little jokes, and I just broke down and cried - but all that is gone, and I don't want to go back to the destructive relationship we had.

 

So that's what I said - that I will read it on Saturday before we meet, but until then I need a clear head. She was not happy with this and wanted me to read it sooner. I suspect she has had enough, and since we separated there has been no real communication between us. I thought it strange that after I moved out she was not bothered how I was moving all of my stuff (I really struggled), or even what my address was. In fact neither address did she ask me about, and I've moved twice now.

 

I think on Saturday we will officially separate and agree to divorce. I don't know what is in this letter but I suspect she is taking control and wants to say look it's done we need to divorce.

 

I've stepped up my efforts to see a lawyer this week so before I have that meeting with my wife I at least know what's fair in the event of divorce. Now to get through the week.

[Purusha]

Hi aroud,

 

Wow - to me it sounds like you're doing really well, and it's a big sign that this is the right thing for you to do as you're feeling so much better generally, despite the fact that there is still stuff going on between you that is distressing.

 

Breaking up/moving out is generally such a weird thing and really disorientating, but it sounds like you're settling into your own skin again which is likely just what the doctor ordered - we lose ourselves so much when everything goes pear shaped. I really do think that you got out at just the right time, for your health on all fronts, emotional, psychological and physical.

 

I really don't think that you have anything to feel guilty about - you weren't willing to live a farcical life, and that's to be commended - so many people plough on for years unhappily and bitterly when things stand very little chance of ever improving.

 

Personally I think you've taken the right step with your wife's letter - if that's how she wants to communicate with you it's understandable, but it doesn't mean you ignore what you need and want at the same time - I would've done the same thing. You've had a hell of a lot of change in the last few weeks and you're just starting to find yourself and your perspective again, absolutely I'd be cherishing that and every moment I felt that without having someone's letter to pour over and beat yourself around the head with!

 

Top job seeking legal advice on this too - anything you can do to empower yourself and make yourself feel freer and lighter is defnitely a good thing!

 

Good luck for Saturday and I hope this week continues to be good for you - it sounds like you're on a much happier road even though there may be a few bumps ahead, as long as you've got yourself, and your heart and mind in your own hands I have no doubt things will work out for the best for you.

[aroud]

Hi aroud,

 

Wow - to me it sounds like you're doing really well, and it's a big sign that this is the right thing for you to do as you're feeling so much better generally, despite the fact that there is still stuff going on between you that is distressing.

 

Breaking up/moving out is generally such a weird thing and really disorientating, but it sounds like you're settling into your own skin again which is likely just what the doctor ordered - we lose ourselves so much when everything goes pear shaped. I really do think that you got out at just the right time, for your health on all fronts, emotional, psychological and physical.

 

I really don't think that you have anything to feel guilty about - you weren't willing to live a farcical life, and that's to be commended - so many people plough on for years unhappily and bitterly when things stand very little chance of ever improving.

 

Personally I think you've taken the right step with your wife's letter - if that's how she wants to communicate with you it's understandable, but it doesn't mean you ignore what you need and want at the same time - I would've done the same thing. You've had a hell of a lot of change in the last few weeks and you're just starting to find yourself and your perspective again, absolutely I'd be cherishing that and every moment I felt that without having someone's letter to pour over and beat yourself around the head with!

 

Thank you - I needed to hear this. I wouldn't want anyone to think there is anything easy about any of this. I've left my home and everything I know at the same time as starting a job which I need to raise my game for, under a huge amount of pressure. But sadly being alone in this place is better for me than where I was.

 

Today at work I panicked in the morning a bit. I thought, I'm being the meek me, the one with a lack of confidence, the self loathing one - and this is not going to get me through this job. I Have to network when I'm in the office to get assignments (we have to interview with clients to get assignments), and despite a lack of confidence and feeling timid, I went over to one of my colleagues to find out what their role was and generally just get to know them. Turns out they were working on a small assignment for the CEO and appreciated me helping out - so we both worked on it. I'll be honest with you, I was feeling so meek and timid I almost didn't go over, but I hate being that person so much that I decided to try and smash through it.

 

It's not a lack of ability, or interpersonal skills - it's confidence. Just about everything in the last 6 months has eaten away at my self confidence. I was reminded of that today, but I had a small victory. Tomorrow morning I have another meeting about a new project, and again I need to be the assertive and confident me - which at the moment feels like an act most of the time. Inside I know things have fallen to pieces lately, and I can't even tell anyone at work. Last week during an evening social event I was asked where I lived, and I lied and told them my old address, not where I live now. I don't know right now whether to say I'm married or separated, or what. It feels ludicrous to lie, but I feel a sense of shame about what is actually going on, like people will think I'm someone who's not in control of his life - when my role at work is to be in control. I'm living a double life.

 

What's worse is I am vulnerable too. Despite being in a leadership role inside I'm soft, emotional, a feeling type of person. I feel ashamed to be attracted to one particular woman in my office, who I sit next to - it's very distracting. But I know that right now I'm hurting and naturally part of me is yearning, desperate, for some kind of genuine affection after all the months of emotional pain and turmoil. I want to just ride out the vulnerability and not give any indication of my attraction the other way. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but that's what I'm doing. I am worried I'm just imagining signs of attraction the other way too. I suspect this is a delusional state due to where I'm at emotionally. I don't want to feel vulnerable like this.

 

So I was planning to read the letter tonight, but after reading your post a few times I had to agree. If I read that letter, having already been warned about the content, my mind would travel back in time to the painful moments. Like doing a shot of spirits, I'd be drunk on the dark history for a while - and I just thought what on earth would I do that for at a time like this when I'm fighting a battle during the day anyway to keep my head straight and stay on point? So I got some take-out and watched TV with a glass of wine. To be fair my wife agreed in the end about the letter and messaged me last night saying maybe I should wait until the weekend to read it. That's very unlike her. Maybe it took moving out for her to take me seriously, I don't know. But I will read it when I'm ready, like you said. For 7 years I accepted her opening the pandoras box to any loaded topic she wished at any time she wished. Why should I feel bad about this. I need to stay on point, and my independence is at stake here.

 

It may sound like I'm coping but I wonder. Last night I had nightmare and woke up screaming loudly. I was paranoid that someone who lives in one of the other apartments would knock on my door, because I heard my scream and it sounded horrible. So loud. Something is not right in my head, I know it. Whenever my wife I used to have a nightmare one of our cats would come over to us to comfort us. Waking up screaming and alone was pretty sobering.

 

So I'm taking it a day at a time (this week has been wobbly so far), to get through the week and do the right things at work. It's been hard enough being a leader and senior member of staff living by myself. It would be several times harder living back in a toxic environment. I just can't understand why my wife always disregarded the effect of a harsher and much higher difficulty professional life - after we moved country. New culture, different industries, leaving everything you once knew. It was never an excuse that would wash with her. I will never understand why. It's irrelevant now anyway.

 

Thanks again Purusha for taking the time to check up on me and talk to me. It really is helping me a lot. I really appreciate it.

[Purusha]

Hi aroud,

 

It's tough, there's no denying it. If there's one thing I've learned during tough times is that accepting that how you feel is a result of the circumstances you've found yourself in, and nothing more than that, it eases the pressure. In effect there's nothing wrong with the way that you feel - you've been through some difficult and challenging times and you will understandably feel vulnerable - pretty much everyone would feel the same so try not to be hard on yourself or judge yourself for it. I've no doubt you've gone through tough times before and you've succeeded and come out the other side stronger - you will do again, when you're ready - like you said, one day at a time.

 

As soon as you go easy on you, it'll be easier with other people around you for sure.

 

A good thing to do is to also think about why how you're feeling is a good thing - find some approval for it - for example, feeling worn out and vulnerable means that you've put a lot of effort into something and someone you loved and cared about, that shows great heart - feeling the need for affection means that you know yourself that you need connection from other people because you recognise the need to share your soul, not feeling in control is a good thing as you've been learning to follow your heart and it's taking you in different directions, these are all good things and positive things that will lead you forward and ease the self loathing. Try to see the other side of the coin a bit, as much as you can right now anyway.

 

And those small victories count for a lot - definitely capitalise on those any time that you can!

 

I can totally understand how you've found some attraction with someone at work and why that's worrying - I would definitely advise not pursuing anything and finding other people to connect with - at least until things have settled and you have a better grounding and you're feeling better, then, who knows? Have you told your friends/family what's been going on yet? If they're good folk it'd be good to rally your support network and help with any feelings of isolation and lost-ness that you do have.

 

That's good that your wife agreed that it should wait until the weekend - that's one less battle for you to deal with. Any way you can, follow what your emotions tell you you're ready for as they really will be your best guide and your best friend. Also in respect to telling people at work you're separated/married, it might be worth sharing that, but just see how you feel about it and mention it when you're ready, there's no rush and people will understand if you didn't share this immediately.

 

It is odd that your wife didn't see those factors as reasons for any uncertainty in your lives, the only thing I could think is that she was trying to make things feel more secure by denying them, sometimes that works for some people and they can get irritated when another person keeps bringing them up - it doesn't serve the denial I guess!

 

I hope your week has gone ok so far - remember to be gentle with yourself and express yourself any way you can that makes you feel better, anything that gives you a sense of relief and ease and also empowerment, sport/working out is good for that for sure and of course writing is always great catharsis.

[aroud]

Just a quick post. It's really hard at the moment. Spent hours on a reply last night. Sent it, could not face immediate dialogue about it. Big week at work and barely coping with that. Wife trying to speak to me asking about my letter. Just said that things happened I couldn't forgive and can t be close to her or trust again. Tried to write from the heart. That's what came out. She says she is worried about me, worried about my mental health. I can't do this and work at the same time.

[lostandhurt]

Seriously?

 

What can't you do and work at the same time? Get you self respect back? Dignity? Your very life?

 

 

There are thousands of stories on this forum of people coming back from way worse than you and I and they are now happier and more centered in their lives than ever. If you are willing to work hard, learn and stop thinking in a defeatist attitude you will rise from this and become more than even you can imagine.

 

Communicating with your ex is not good for you so why continue? The longer you are away from her the more correct your choice seems to be right? Don't let her play mind games on you. Do you really think she is worried about you? Actions speak volumes but her words are hollow.

 

Your job can be your sanctuary if you view it as such. It has a begging a middle and an end each day. Then you start all over again and during those times at work your mind is occupied and not constantly spinning on and on about your marriage and life.

 

It is time to stop all communication with your soon to be ex. There is a question I used to ask myself when I was in the phase you are in now. When I found myself about to do something or if I was thinking about something I shouldn't I would ask myself "what good will come from it?" If the answer was nothing then I would stop right then and there and move in a different direction.

 

You have an opportunity here, don't waste anymore time on the past...

 

Lost

[aroud]

Seriously?

 

What can't you do and work at the same time? Get you self respect back? Dignity? Your very life?

 

 

There are thousands of stories on this forum of people coming back from way worse than you and I and they are now happier and more centered in their lives than ever. If you are willing to work hard, learn and stop thinking in a defeatist attitude you will rise from this and become more than even you can imagine.

 

Communicating with your ex is not good for you so why continue? The longer you are away from her the more correct your choice seems to be right? Don't let her play mind games on you. Do you really think she is worried about you? Actions speak volumes but her words are hollow.

 

Your job can be your sanctuary if you view it as such. It has a begging a middle and an end each day. Then you start all over again and during those times at work your mind is occupied and not constantly spinning on and on about your marriage and life.

 

It is time to stop all communication with your soon to be ex. There is a question I used to ask myself when I was in the phase you are in now. When I found myself about to do something or if I was thinking about something I shouldn't I would ask myself "what good will come from it?" If the answer was nothing then I would stop right then and there and move in a different direction.

 

You have an opportunity here, don't waste anymore time on the past...

 

Lost

 

Thank you for the inspirational words and I agree that my situation absolutely is not as bad, anywhere near as bad as others. I have been relearning how to feel gratitude for the wonderful things in my life, which is working well and dispelling the feelings of the past.

 

Cutting contact is not going to be totally possible because although I live somewhere else now my ex still lives in the flat we were renting together. I am helping her put financially for a deposit to move which I am happy to do because it will be better for her mentally.

 

We are intermittently sending messages every few days but only to sort out the logistics. Once the move is done we will need to discuss divorce.

 

Things have moved on a lot since my last post. I am making changes to myself for the better and absolutely no defeatist rubbish is permitted.

 

Of course there are times when the thoughts are darker and trip me up, but I'm getting better at intercepting those moments and getting my mind back on point. On point is the only state of mind I want to have.