Please Please Read- Need Advice Did he ever love me?

[Heartbroken234]

Hi - Please I need some help. I met a man last year at our childrens school. Hes 40, I am 38.

Hes a single dad and our sons attended school together.

We started off having a friendship- small talk. A few months later, it grew to texts

and he stated he liked me. I wasnt sure, I was alone for 3 years after an intensely painful divorce from my HS sweetheart,

and honestly, I was scared. I never thought I could love again, but I felt something for his man. I gave it a shot.

Now, he has his kids a lot of the time, which I love about him. His ex-wife is very "hands-off" so he truly is the primary parent

Hes a wonderful dad. I love that about him. He works and has a pretty long commute- I understand the demands on his time

and am very respectful of that. I have 2 children as well. In the beginning, our relationship was text. Hes very busy and could never seem to find

the time for us to get together. One thing I did/do not like about him is he has a large group of "drinking & partying" friends.

This group consists of men and women ranging in ages from 30 into their 40s, who mostly are single/never been married, who consistently are out

partying nightly- and I do mean nightly. Its the type of partying 20 year olds do. He is obsessed with these ppl. We had a date one day

to do brunch- he stood me up because he was out on a drinking bus until 4am.

He is extremely sweet- I always forgave these things. Partly because I had such a great mental and emotional connection with him

He has had a lot of hurt in his life (as I have too) and he says it makes him cold. Stand-offish and he has walls up

So he stood me up I wanna say 2-3 times, but when we finally got together- Oh what a great time we had. Hes funny, intelligent,

sweet, handsome- Because I know he is guarded, when he would say things to me- It meant so much to me. I fell hard for him

Because I fell so hard, started doing "favors" for him- He had very high childcare costs, so I started to watch his kids every once in a while- Well,

that grew from "when he was in a jam" to every day. I saw his kids alone more than I saw him. I cooked for him, cleaned I did everything. Most weekends

he has his kids, which is great- and we would do activities with all the kids. But on the weekends he didnt have them, he rarely made plans with me unless I asked, and it kinda became like I was nagging and we would have a fight. I wanted him to want to see me. I just wanted his time. He wanted to be w the drinking crowd and he never would invite me. It hurt me a great deal.

I got sick over the summer and was in the hospital- He didnt know because that night he went out drinking and was MIA. He didnt come see me that weekend either to help me because he had a party and kids. He always had an excuse- but secretly it hurt me. His kids go away for a portion of the summer. While his kids were away, we spent pretty much every minute together. We (well at least for me) fell in love so deeply- I loved him so very very much. He called me his soulmate, said I broke his cold heart, made him feel things he never felt before- He knew what love was because of me. He wanted me to sell my house and move in w him. I love him so much. Those summer night together- It meant everything to me.

He was getting furniture and paint swatches for our house together. (Now he was having a lot of financial trouble- We discussed me selling my house and paying off his debt and my income and our joint finances) I didnt want to believe it was because of that he wanted me to move in- I wanted to believe it was because he loved me So, summer ends. His kids are home and hectic school life starts again. Now Im watching his kids at my home more than ever. I see his kids alone in a week more than I see him alone in 3 months. We never have alone dates- Its always kids. On his off weekends, he always seems to have plans w these "friends" Im never included.

I have to admit, my resentment and anger grew. We fought- He made dates w me, but it always was after I would say something. I felt our relationship slipping away. But when we ere together, It was wonderful I love him

I felt like his employee rather than his girlfriend. Now granted when we spoke- or were together, it was great. I love him so so much. Its why I did all i did

But he was so hot and cold. The fighting escalated- I hated it. I felt like I was begging him for some time and attention in his busy life- he made time for the friends and to drink but not me. I ended up breaking it off with him shortly after the holidays. I said to him- I feel like a burden on your time. Im not a priority to you and I need to be I need to feel important to you and not be in last place in your life. He said I wasnt- we both cried and cried. He has a lot going on w his finances and divorce that he has to settle, so he agreed- he said maybe he shouldnt be in a relationship right now- He wants to fix his life. I was upset and I broke it off- Maybe I shouldnt have Im so confused, but I did it.

Okay- so for a few weeks, we didnt text- Then we did. I saw him at a birthday party. I told him I had feelings for him- He got angry. We stopped texting

then we started again. A friend of mine made me go out on a date w another guy- I couldnt- All i kept thinking of was him.

However, I found out he kissed one of these "drinking friend" girls on my birthday- but it didnt work out. I know he likes her I see him posting on her FB page. How could he like her- He didnt want a "relationship" How

So now its been 3 months hes texting me n we talk as if we are together- Its killing me inside.

I have things at his house. Hes gonna be selling his house soon- We texted and made plans for me to come get this stuff. I get there and see him- We go out to dinner He pays, We go for coffee a drive in the car- We go back to his house and talk and talk. I felt like it was a date- Its constant mixed signals. I love this man We kiss. I was the aggressor- I admit it. He was there and I love him and I did it

We kissed and I said lets go upstairs- I said not to do anything except lay together and maybe kiss and hug. I miss laying with him. I miss him No sex. He flipped out- He didnt want to but did- It was weird- He starts saying I cant process this. You are gonna get all confused now. I am trying to fix my life I cant handle this. He got so weird and angry. He had tears in his eyes. He said he cant handle this- He didnt expect this and cant handle it????

I hug him, get up and leave- On good terms. He doesnt text me to make sure Im home ok.

The next day- Im a wreck. I am in love with him and Im dying inside. I call him- I just say- Listen, we text all the time- til 3am, I admit the kissing yesterday was my doing, but how do you feel about me. I have no expectation of a relationship. I know its not possible right now- Please I just wanna know your feelings. BC I still love you. He flips out. Angry, saying he does "love" me but hes not in love with anyone right now. He doesnt want a relationship

He hates these conversations This is my fault because of the kiss. Im pressuring him and putting his back against a wall

I say Im not- I just wanted to know how u felt bc the texting you keeps me in love with you. He wants me when hes bored or lonely or wants comfort and advice. But when hes bisy or has plans- Hes gone. I feel like hes keeping me in his back pocket- Hes trying to see what happens w this other girl, and if it doesnt work out, then he has me

I told him I wont text again. If he wants me to go away- I will go away and never bother him again. He said he didnt say that? I told him the texts keep me in love with him, and for me and my heart- if he doesnt love me, I cant.

I want to get back with him- Am i crazy? Im dying inside- Did he ever love me. Did I ruin my chances with the kiss and that kinda fight/conversation. I need help- I love this man. What do I do?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like a train wreck. You dodged a bullet. Did his wife divorce him because of the drinking. He loves drinking, not you.

 

Don't let desperation and loneliness make important choices like who your kids are around and who you give your heart to.

[Heartbroken234]

Thank you so much. Hes not a drunk - like an alcoholic. But he is obsessed with the partying. Its like hes 20 and never grew up. I dont understand how that and hanging with all those random ppl were more important than a woman who he said he loved and loved him unconditionally. He says its mindless fun, hes numb when hes out drinking and partying?

He has abandonment issues-he says everyone leaves him i told him i would never leave you- yet you keep pushing me away? his interest in this other girl has also killed me. if you dont want a relationship because you need to fix your life, then what are you doing?

 

from a man's perspective- just asking his feelings about me? is that wrong- is that pressuring? im not a nag- he made me one. its upsetting- tysm!!!

[Wiseman2]

His ex was smart to get rid of him. You would be smart to do the same.

But he is obsessed with the partying. Its like hes 20 and never grew up. I dont understand how that and hanging with all those random ppl were more important than a woman who he said he loved and loved him unconditionally

[Heartbroken234]

thank you. my head agrees my heart is the problem thank you

[Jibralta]

What do I do?

 

Run for the hills!!!

 

I know that you're in love, and that you're in pain, but this guy is BAD NEWS!!

 

He wants me when hes bored or lonely or wants comfort and advice. But when hes bisy or has plans- Hes gone. I feel like hes keeping me in his back pocket- Hes trying to see what happens w this other girl, and if it doesnt work out, then he has me

 

I think you are 100% right about this^. He keeps you holding on.

 

He had very high childcare costs, so I started to watch his kids every once in a while- Well,

that grew from "when he was in a jam" to every day. I saw his kids alone more than I saw him. I cooked for him, cleaned I did everything. Most weekends

he has his kids, which is great- and we would do activities with all the kids. But on the weekends he didnt have them, he rarely made plans with me unless I asked, and it kinda became like I was nagging and we would have a fight.

 

This is NOT a great dad. Pawning his kids off on you while he goes out partying is maybe a step up from a deadbeat.

 

And it's NOT a great relationship when you have to beg to be more than the nanny.

 

Come on, take a page from the Supremes:

 

[video=youtube;t3bjMtqpGBw] ]

[Heartbroken234]

Thank you so much Thank you. Im not thinking straight Im usually a smart girl. But hes killing me. Hes hot and cold- I tild him the texting has to stop and to leave me alone. Now I miss him so much more. I know Im devaluing myself- But because I love him so much, even the crumbs he was throwing at me I was willing to accept- Just to have a part of him. Im heartbroken. How can you love someone one day, and not the next?? Im not built that way. UGH thank you for the encouragement Thank you!!!

[Wiseman2]

You never processed this so this isn't about him, it's about your unresolved divorce pain and using him to get over that.

"I wasnt sure, I was alone for 3 years after an intensely painful divorce from my HS sweetheart, and honestly, I was scared."

[Heartbroken234]

No Im over the divorce I stayed alone for 3 years- no relationship, to ensure I was over any feelings I had from my divorce. It was hard but I did it. I wish my x well- I have no residual issues from that. I never expected to truly fall in love again. Not this deeply. He carries a lot of pain- I thought I could help heal him. He said he loved me like hes never loved before- We seriously discussed marriage and moving in. I cant wrap my head around having those feelings one minute, and then putting everything in his life before spending time with me the next. Especially drinking at bars, clubs, partying- and so on. When I broke up- I was so so hurt- I felt used and taken advantage of. But he has such a way of explaining things he makes me second guess everything He agrees he needs time to fix his life- so all the feelings he had for me go away???? how is that possible. i feel like he never really loved me at all im heartbroken for him.

[SherrySher]

Heartbroken, I am going to be completely honest with you. I have read many many problems on this site for a long time now and I have never had tears in my eyes over most problems I hear but yours..I couldn't help it.

 

This man has used you so terribly and he did use you as his maid and as his nanny and as his bank account and when you asked for him to love you and be good to you, he got angry and used you some more and tossed you aside like you were garbage.

 

I know you think you love him, I know you think you need him, but PLEASE stop this insanity. He is being very bad to you and has been very bad to you. He has used you and used you and used you and had no shame over doing so and made you practically beg for even a kiss and then yelled at you some more when you admitted still having feelings.

You have got to see how badly you're letting yourself be treated, you do not ever need to beg for someones love or beg for sometimes time or beg for someones kindness or feelings.

No one can stop this now except YOU...stand up for yourself, walk away, open your eyes again and see how you've allowed this man to take advantage and treat you so poorly.

 

You don't need him, even though you've convinced yourself you do...YOU DON'T.

You need to get back your self respect and self worth and get as far away from this man as humanly possible.

Get therapy, counselling, help from friends and family...whatever it takes, but please, stop allowing this man to belittle you so so much. You are worth more than that!!!

[chitown9]

When I broke up- I was so so hurt- I felt used and taken advantage of..

 

You felt this way because that is exactly what happened here. In your heart of hearts, you know this.

 

Also, he is an alcholic. Let me say it again. He is an alcoholic. You are just in denial about this very important matter. He puts alcohol over and above his chidren. That is how we know. He suckered you into being his free nanny. This is the cold, hard truth. chi

[seanryder]

Thank you so much. Hes not a drunk - like an alcoholic. But he is obsessed with the partying. Its like hes 20 and never grew up. I dont understand how that and hanging with all those random ppl were more important than a woman who he said he loved and loved him unconditionally.

 

Two things:

 

1. He is an alcoholic.

 

2. Try not to love "unconditionally" it may sound romantic, but in practice it means you are willing to be a doormat.

[Heartbroken234]

Sherry Thank you I am crying reading your response. Im so broken over this. He told me such personal things about himself and his past pain. He said I was the only person that touched and melted his cold heart- he wanted us to get married. I feel so stupid that I believed him. I dont understand how u have those feelings, and then just turn them off I felt we had a true connection, which is why his never making me a true priority hurt me so much. I am very easygoing- I dont ask for much, and I think he took advantage of that too. I know you are right You are right. He has such a way of explaining things that is so almost manipulative. I am very loving, emotional and affectionate- He would say- oh well we process things differently- we are different. I would tell him I try so hard to understand and accommodate your feelings and way of thinking, but i dont think u do the same for me. Our recent and last fight/discussion over this kiss- I said to him- I just need to know where I stand- Im a person too He said he didnt want this conversation I was pressuring him and putting his back against a wall. So Im trying to gather all my strength and not text or contact him anymore. My head knows you are right, I need my heart to understand this- I cant seem to let him go Thank you for your kind words of support Thank you

[Heartbroken234]

I know- I accepted everything You are right. I never wanted to turn my back on him bc i felt he needed love so much. But you are 100% right

[SherrySher]

Please value yourself more than to let him take advantage more of you. He is so cold to you and you never deserved it. You need to be your own best friend now and to not let him near you again. You need to heal as much as possible and one day, open the door again for another man who WILL love you the way you deserve to be loved, he is out there!! But you need to move away from the bad first.

No man who loves you, will ever shame or belittle you like this man has.

Actions speak louder than words...do not ever forget that. He can talk a good talk, but how he treats you proves everything. Sending you many hugs.

[Heartbroken234]

Thank you- You are right. You know he did belittle me. He said you wanted the kiss not me- It made me feel embarrassed and unattractive. It is belittling. I let him get away w so much bc how "cold" he says he is. But I am hurting myself in the process. I have to be strong- My desire to make him happy, to show him love and so knows what it feels like to have real love- my desire for him to want me like I want him- has killed me inside. Im lost. You have given me strength- Thank you. I am very soft-hearted. I forgive when I know I shouldnt- But I said I will not text or respond to him again if he has no feelings for me, and treats me like this- and I wont. Its hard for me- But I need to be strong

 

I so appreciate your and everyones responses. I am at a very weak place for him- You all have helped me- Thank you all Thank you

[shellyf62]

Dont you dare sell your house to pay off his money issues. They are his to fix, not your responsibility.

You and your children will be left with nothing after he bleeds you dry.

Block his number and concentrate on your own family.

[Matt3939]

He carries a lot of pain- I thought I could help heal him

 

You can't change people. You shouldn't have to be a fixer. Please keep certain things no matter what. Example your house or $$. Ask yourself if this person falls off the face of the earth would this be a good idea. It's fine to build something as long as it's mutual. Good luck

[Heartbroken234]

No- the house thing isnt happening. We are broken up and he is selling. Thats whyI went over the other day because I had stuff there- A lot of stuff. I still have more stuff and I dont want to contact him anymore to get it.

 

Im trying so hard- The man I saw when we were alone, the things he said- when he doesnt say those things to anyone, it touched my heart very deeply. Those things mean something to me. Im struggling how he can turn off feelings- and go to "buddy" mode. Was anything real or true? Im clinging to the good memories and forgetting the hurt- I know its not smart. I cant help it

 

Yesterday was day 1 no contact. Today is day 2 idky this is so hard for me- Please heart let this man go Thank you for your support.

[MissCanuck]

Sherry Thank you I am crying reading your response. Im so broken over this. He told me such personal things about himself and his past pain. He said I was the only person that touched and melted his cold heart- he wanted us to get married. I feel so stupid that I believed him. I dont understand how u have those feelings, and then just turn them off I felt we had a true connection, which is why his never making me a true priority hurt me so much. I am very easygoing- I dont ask for much, and I think he took advantage of that too. I know you are right You are right. He has such a way of explaining things that is so almost manipulative. I am very loving, emotional and affectionate- He would say- oh well we process things differently- we are different. I would tell him I try so hard to understand and accommodate your feelings and way of thinking, but i dont think u do the same for me. Our recent and last fight/discussion over this kiss- I said to him- I just need to know where I stand- Im a person too He said he didnt want this conversation I was pressuring him and putting his back against a wall. So Im trying to gather all my strength and not text or contact him anymore. My head knows you are right, I need my heart to understand this- I cant seem to let him go Thank you for your kind words of support Thank you

 

Think about this for a moment, and ponder the obvious problem with this statement: the connection you felt was a lot more one-sided than you realized, and he never prioritized you because he doesn't feel the connection the same way you did.

 

I'm sure he liked you, but love? No, I don't believe this was love. He didn't treat you with enough respect to consider it real love. In other words, you were more into him than he was into you. As the others here pointed out, he said a lot things you want to hear, but where was the action to back it up?

 

You should never go into a relationship thinking you can heal or fix someone. It's not your job and it sets up an unhealthy dynamic. Look how much bad behaviour you overlooked. This is often what happens when one person wants to "rescue" the other. They explain away disrespectful and neglectful treatment by believing the other person is just "in pain." You also cannot bustle around behaving like a good little wife taking care of his kids in the hopes that he'll come around. You sound a like a very kind woman, OP, but you are in dire need of some boundaries and assertiveness. He did take advantage of you, and thank heavens you did not sell your home to pull him out of debt. Whose idea was that, anyway? Please don't say it was yours.

 

Don't be embarrassed that this over-grown frat boy didn't want a real relationship. I mean, he's a 40-year-old trying desperately to recapture his glory days by partying on a "drinking bus" until 4 am. Ew. Is his name Steve Stifler? That is exactly who he sounds like. At his age, I would be completely turned off by his antics. He's too old for that and it's not conducive to the type of mature relationship you're looking for. He is not mature, so he sure can't offer you anything more than a frat boy-level relationship either.

 

Seriously. Don't let Steve Stifler be the measuring stick of your self-worth.

[SherrySher]

Oh my goodness, yes OP..Miss Canuck is so right, you need to aim higher than a man child who think's it's great to be boozing it up so many days of the week. That alone is enough reason to walk.

Please don't keep trying to justify his bad behaviour or convince yourself somehow that how he's been is okay because he has problems. WE ALL have problems and it really can be just trying to survive the day, but that is never a good reason to love those around us less or treat them like garbage or belittle them. I'm sure you hurt too OP and yet you've never treated him this way, so please, stop making excuses for him.

Stay strong.

[catfeeder]

Your focus on this guy rips off your kids. Protecting the time, attention, money and assets of their mother should be of higher value than catering to a party boy.

 

This is a grown man who has the same adult access to therapy and help as anyone else if he wants it. Inserting yourself into his mess of a life isn't 'helpful,' it's co-dependant, and it puts your focus in the wrong place.

 

If you want to rescue someone, block this guy and start at home.

[Heartbroken234]

MissCanuck- I cannot thank you enough. I feel blind- You have made me see things I never realized I was doing. I DID 10000% explain away all his bad behavior bc he said he was in such pain. He has such a way of explaining things- I always felt bad and forgave. He said how cold he is- So when he told me all those sweet things- that he loved me- and on and on- It touched me on such a deep deep level bc he said he never felt that way before. You are so right- I believed his words, but the actions were not there. I was useful to him. And he used me to the fullest He would cry how everyone in his life left him- I wanted to be the one to stay He is living as a 20 year old- Its bad. And this group he hangs out with- They are all the same. He has so many "woman" drinking friends- Like almost to the point of it being inappropriate. Hugs and kisses pics all over FB- He always said they are "friends" meaningless to him- Yet he kissed one of them. Hes very slick with his words- and I know I fall for it. He is Stifler- I never saw it. a 40yo Stifler- Thank you!!! I feel stronger today. I hope every day to feel better. I am not a person that dates- I was with my xhusband since I was 16- and only him. I stayed alone 3+ years after my divorce to heal- and then I met this guy. When I give my heart- I give it 10000%- I gave it to the wrong person My head knows this- My heart needs to catch up. Your words have given me strength. This board is helping me so much. I appreciate it more than words can say Thank you everyone

[Heartbroken234]

Thank you Sherry!!!!! Thank you! Its so hard to see things when its you- When its your heart involved. When others look at your situation with clear minds- The truth is so much more easy to see.

 

I agree with what everyone is saying. I almost feel embarrassed and silly I didnt realize all of the things everyone has pointed out. Its so hard for me because I let my heart lead my life, not my mind.

 

I am trying very hard to be strong. Your comments have given me so much strength and clarity. I am trying so hard- I pray every day gets easier. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my story and comment. Your help and kindness mean so much- Thank you!

[Heartbroken234]

The house thing was his idea- But he presented it in a way that he wanted us to live together as a family- Get married. Why should be both be paying 2 mortgages, 2 sets of bills- when we could sell mine, pay off everything and have a fresh start together as a family. He loves his kids very much- I truly believed he wanted to marry me and be a family. I dont know if thats even true anymore He is a loving dad- I loved that about him. I would never jeopardize my kids. I protect them above all else. Please dont ever worry for that. I never would take from them- I think one of the reasons he liked me was bc I am a good devoted mom, and his x is not. He wanted that for his kids.

 

Part of me thinks he wasnt ready for me in his life- Hes not done "partying" He met me too soon. And his desire to party was the most important thing. More important than me. I am very accepting and easygoing- So he put me on the back burner constantly thinking I would always be there. When i got upset- He was almost shocked. He sees his behavior as fine and normal. He has friends....and he goes out

 

I cant be the back burner girl- He wont even say if he wants a relationship at some point in the future or not......he has to "figure out his life. hes going thru a process- he doesnt know whats happening tomorrow let alone a few months from now" He loves me, but hes not in love w anyone right now- Hes in a process

 

I said to him- I cant continue to correspond w you anymore- Bc it keeps me in love w you. Please respect my feelings like I respect yours. He said he cant makes any plans- He cant process anything, hes overwhelmed. I said so u r willing to lose me- He said nothing- He doesnt want to "define" anything right now. That was it for me- I said I will no longer text

 

PS- the party bus is planned already again for a few weeks from now. so he does make plans for that

 

I am trying to be strong- I need my heart to be stong- Thank you everyone!! xoxo