Getting There

[WombatShadow]

Well.

 

If you recognize me from my other (incredibly long; sorry!) posts, you'll know that I've been kind of manic in my obsession to get back my man. You may also notice that I had a breakthrough last week in which I realized a medication had been having some severe effects that I and everyone else had blamed on other stressors. It's been five days since I stopped my medication (it's non-essential, so my doctor said I didn't need an appointment or her permission to stop), and things are looking so much more up.

 

More importantly, I'm feeling so much better about life after my breakup. I can't say "life after my ex", because I'm relatively confident that he will be a major character in my life for the foreseeable future. We've always been friends, and I can't imagine not being friends with him. I'm also beginning to realize that I'll be okay if he doesn't come back. It'll suck, but I will be alright.

 

I'll be seeing him in a week's time to celebrate his birthday. This will be the first time we've seen each other since he left me, and it'll only be the third time I've heard his voice since then. I suppose this will be a good test to discern if I'm actually getting over him, but I really do think so. Case in point: I asked him if he still wanted to go out with just me for some ice cream for his birthday, which we had discussed before. He said that he thinks we should see each other in a group setting before we start going out alone, and I completely understand. If I had still been in my depressed breakup mode (and/or my hormone-riddled mode), I would have curled up on my couch and wailed for hours on end after that.

 

...granted, I did curl up on my couch and wail for hours this weekend, but that's just because I'm watching 13 Reasons Why on Netflix and it's heartwrenching. I actually went straight to the gym after this gentle rejection (although is it still a rejection if he simply delayed it as opposed to denying it? Dangerous thoughts...).

 

Unless he specifically asks to see me alone, I'm not going to reach out again for a while. Once he's on summer break and my musical is over, I want to catch back up and have a proper conversation, see if there is any possibility. But I'm not banking on that possibility being there. Heck, in two months I might not even want to explore the possibility.

 

Knowing me, however, and knowing him, I probably will.

[getzrekt]

It sounds to me like you are caught in between hope and reality, or at least a possible reality. You feel like you are making some progress but I would be a little cautious as he is still in your life right now. The real test comes when and if he is no longer in your life in any capacity. That could happen at any time.

 

He seems willing to see you but he has mentioned restricting that to group meetings. It is not possible to tell whether he is being cautious or simply being polite. Some people will offer certain olive branches to appease their conscience, it is not nice having to break up with someone and most decent people will try to lessen the impact if they can. Of course, sometimes the kindest thing to do is to just stay away and give that person time to heal. It is not easy to grieve for someone who is still in your life, even if only in a limited capacity.

 

It does sound like you are remaining grounded and you are not letting hope become delusion. Carry on in the same way, with caution. Be prepared for the fact that this might be over. If it turns out that it isn't then consider that a surprise bonus.

[WombatShadow]

He wants to remain friends. We've been friends for so long (since age 12) that it's impossible for either of us to see life without the other in it. When I initially told him that I didn't want to be friends, he freaked out. Full on sobbing, harder than I was.

 

Frankly, our mutual friends, his siblings, and I believe him to be depressed, and that it's coloring his affection for me. He still cares quite deeply for me, that much is obvious from his post-breakup behavior. I do want to see how it goes after we've hung out with the group (the same group that's been friends since we were 12) and whether he wants to see me alone after that. Just the waiting game for a couple of months, I suppose.

[Whocares479]

He wants to remain friends. We've been friends for so long (since age 12) that it's impossible for either of us to see life without the other in it. When I initially told him that I didn't want to be friends, he freaked out. Full on sobbing, harder than I was.

 

Frankly, our mutual friends, his siblings, and I believe him to be depressed, and that it's coloring his affection for me. He still cares quite deeply for me, that much is obvious from his post-breakup behavior. I do want to see how it goes after we've hung out with the group (the same group that's been friends since we were 12) and whether he wants to see me alone after that. Just the waiting game for a couple of months, I suppose.

 

So what are you asking for here? Advice on how to get your ex back? I know you guys have been friends for forever but there is nothing holding you to him. You guys have no kids, or house together. I'm sorry but he does not want you back, and the sooner you realize it the better. He left you for a reason, so you secretly plotting for him to come back only delays your healing process. What if he gets a girlfirend? Would you be able to handle it? If your answer is no then I suggest taking a break from him to let your heart heal. You don't NEED any guy in life your life, just remember that. I hope all goes well.

[WombatShadow]

So what are you asking for here? Advice on how to get your ex back? I know you guys have been friends for forever but there is nothing holding you to him. You guys have no kids, or house together. I'm sorry but he does not want you back, and the sooner you realize it the better. He left you for a reason, so you secretly plotting for him to come back only delays your healing process. What if he gets a girlfirend? Would you be able to handle it? If your answer is no then I suggest taking a break from him to let your heart heal. You don't NEED any guy in life your life, just remember that. I hope all goes well.

 

This feels oddly antagonistic. I'm not really asking any questions, I'm just...talking to sort out my feelings, I suppose. No one here or anywhere else can give me advice or a magic bullet that will get my ex back, just as no one can tell me exactly how to make myself feel better. NC honestly didn't help my healing process; in fact, I think it hindered it. It's not the cure-all that this site likes to proclaim it as.

 

I know full well that I don't need a man in my life. It's been six or seven weeks since the breakup, and I'm relatively at peace with being single. That said, I miss him deeply, and not just as a boyfriend. We have always shared a connection that goes beyond our other friendships, a connection that has already lasted through other SOs and dates and whatnot, and both of us are missing it and each other. I don't know that he misses me in a romantic sense...but I also don't know that he doesn't.

 

There's not another woman, for sure. According to his sister (who contacted me, not the other way around) he's doing nothing but going to work and driving up to visit his mom every other weekend. Again, he's depressed, and it's coloring the way he looked at our romance (also, neither of us had been in a true relationship before, so I think there was an element of the honeymoon finally fading away which contributed to him thinking that his love was gone). I understand completely that he may not want me back, ever, and I have accepted that. I'm not secretly plotting to get him back, but I'm also not writing off a future with him. Once he's on break and I'm free of my current timesink, I hope to revisit things and see where both of us want to go from here. It could be that he will refuse to talk about it, it could be that I have gotten to the point where I don't want to talk about it, or we could have the conversation and have nothing change. I'm well aware of all of those scenarios and their likelihood, but I'm at a place where I can handle them.

[Whocares479]

This feels oddly antagonistic. I'm not really asking any questions, I'm just...talking to sort out my feelings, I suppose. No one here or anywhere else can give me advice or a magic bullet that will get my ex back, just as no one can tell me exactly how to make myself feel better. NC honestly didn't help my healing process; in fact, I think it hindered it. It's not the cure-all that this site likes to proclaim it as.

 

I know full well that I don't need a man in my life. It's been six or seven weeks since the breakup, and I'm relatively at peace with being single. That said, I miss him deeply, and not just as a boyfriend. We have always shared a connection that goes beyond our other friendships, a connection that has already lasted through other SOs and dates and whatnot, and both of us are missing it and each other. I don't know that he misses me in a romantic sense...but I also don't know that he doesn't.

 

There's not another woman, for sure. According to his sister (who contacted me, not the other way around) he's doing nothing but going to work and driving up to visit his mom every other weekend. Again, he's depressed, and it's coloring the way he looked at our romance (also, neither of us had been in a true relationship before, so I think there was an element of the honeymoon finally fading away which contributed to him thinking that his love was gone). I understand completely that he may not want me back, ever, and I have accepted that. I'm not secretly plotting to get him back, but I'm also not writing off a future with him. Once he's on break and I'm free of my current timesink, I hope to revisit things and see where both of us want to go from here. It could be that he will refuse to talk about it, it could be that I have gotten to the point where I don't want to talk about it, or we could have the conversation and have nothing change. I'm well aware of all of those scenarios and their likelihood, but I'm at a place where I can handle them.

 

My deepest apologies, I did mean to come off as rude. I just know your situation all too well, you actually are handling it better than I did when I was in your shoes. I truly wish you all the best of luck with your efforts.

[WombatShadow]

My deepest apologies, I did mean to come off as rude. I just know your situation all too well, you actually are handling it better than I did when I was in your shoes. I truly wish you all the best of luck with your efforts.

 

Honestly, I'm the one who should be apologizing. I took offense way too easily, perhaps because what some of what you said rang a little too true. I admit, I would be quite sad if he turned up this weekend with news of a new girlfriend; however, I think I'd hurt more if I didn't see him because of that (largely unfounded) fear.

[Whocares479]

Honestly, I'm the one who should be apologizing. I took offense way too easily, perhaps because what some of what you said rang a little too true. I admit, I would be quite sad if he turned up this weekend with news of a new girlfriend; however, I think I'd hurt more if I didn't see him because of that (largely unfounded) fear.

 

I'm sure everything will turn out okay, just remember one thing, and that is to never have expectations for an ex. It is because of our expectations that led us to our heart break in the first place. However, yours seem to atleast care about you which is rare with exes so consider yourself lucky! I hope everything goes well this weekend, and if not, you can always come here for support.

[WombatShadow]

I'm sure everything will turn out okay, just remember one thing, and that is to never have expectations for an ex. It is because of our expectations that led us to our heart break in the first place. However, yours seem to atleast care about you which is rare with exes so consider yourself lucky! I hope everything goes well this weekend, and if not, you can always come here for support.

 

Definitely will be back, even if just for updates.

 

My ex can definitely be a bit of an at times (in fact, we hated each other when we first met; I used to cart around a tote bag full of hard-back books just so I could whack him over the head in between classes!), but he only lets a very few people into his life. Once you're in that group, he's hard-pressed to let you out of it.